nothingnew
Member
Ok, guys I'm not sure if my "OCD" or "HOCD" is mild or not but please here me out (highly appreciated)
Alright well a little background on me, I'm fifteen and I've began to notice some anxiety last year, due to having a huge public speaking problem!
It grew and I noticed to worry about a bunch of things and I usually can cope with the other things but a 'Childhood Experience; randomly came up in my head after my friend showed me this weird video (Wasnt gay porn or anything)
Back before I hit puberty around 10 or 11, I experimented with a friend and from what I remember it was consensual we didn't do it cause we had feelings for each other I'm not quite sure how it started but it from "you show me yours, Ill show you mines" to kissing and he went down on me a few times...(In a couple month span) and I only did it once or twice..Now I was never really sure what I was doing I didn't think I was doing something gay and I didn't have an attraction to him or anything we did it for pleasure and out of boredom..
One random day we just decided to never do it again, I think we told each other we didn't like it and it never happened again. We also never brought it up again. We continued to hang out until' around age 13. Then we parted ways, and I'm pretty sure hes straight and, Lost his virginity to a girl, I have as well when I was 14.
I'm attracted to girls, I know that I love women and, will continue to do so. For one I lost my virginity to a girl and have been in several relationships, and I don't fantasize about being with men. But every time I think about that phase my stomach turns, my heart pounds and I feel weird, and wish I could erase all of that. Basically I just feel really guilty! That's where the "HOCD" comes into play, Im afraid of becoming gay, or turning gay or something cause its just not me...I don;t want to struggle with the OCD stuff I just feel alone like I'm abnormal for going through those things..Does that stuff make me gay? Is it normal?
What should I do to improve? I hate feeling so guilty
Also I don't miss those times I had, or anything like that. I'd much rather be with a woman, and hope to have kids one day and all that good stuff. Can someone help?
Oh and I feel like I'm hiding this from my friends and family, and I dont know what they would do if they knew I went through this cause I'm pretty sure they havent done any of that.
Thanks for taking your time to hear me out
Alright well a little background on me, I'm fifteen and I've began to notice some anxiety last year, due to having a huge public speaking problem!
It grew and I noticed to worry about a bunch of things and I usually can cope with the other things but a 'Childhood Experience; randomly came up in my head after my friend showed me this weird video (Wasnt gay porn or anything)
Back before I hit puberty around 10 or 11, I experimented with a friend and from what I remember it was consensual we didn't do it cause we had feelings for each other I'm not quite sure how it started but it from "you show me yours, Ill show you mines" to kissing and he went down on me a few times...(In a couple month span) and I only did it once or twice..Now I was never really sure what I was doing I didn't think I was doing something gay and I didn't have an attraction to him or anything we did it for pleasure and out of boredom..
One random day we just decided to never do it again, I think we told each other we didn't like it and it never happened again. We also never brought it up again. We continued to hang out until' around age 13. Then we parted ways, and I'm pretty sure hes straight and, Lost his virginity to a girl, I have as well when I was 14.
I'm attracted to girls, I know that I love women and, will continue to do so. For one I lost my virginity to a girl and have been in several relationships, and I don't fantasize about being with men. But every time I think about that phase my stomach turns, my heart pounds and I feel weird, and wish I could erase all of that. Basically I just feel really guilty! That's where the "HOCD" comes into play, Im afraid of becoming gay, or turning gay or something cause its just not me...I don;t want to struggle with the OCD stuff I just feel alone like I'm abnormal for going through those things..Does that stuff make me gay? Is it normal?
What should I do to improve? I hate feeling so guilty
Also I don't miss those times I had, or anything like that. I'd much rather be with a woman, and hope to have kids one day and all that good stuff. Can someone help?
Oh and I feel like I'm hiding this from my friends and family, and I dont know what they would do if they knew I went through this cause I'm pretty sure they havent done any of that.
Thanks for taking your time to hear me out