problems with talking / dating

[Anonymous]

Hi I was wondering if this problem is holding anyone else back.When I see a girl I like,I just can't approach her.The thoughts that go through my mind are " i'm not good looking enough" "i'm not smart enough" "she has loads of friends,i only have a couple" "she is real popular,i spend most of my time alone" " i'm really boring,with nothing interesting to say" "what if she rejects me" "i'm no good at relationships,she would probably dump me anyway" "i'm not strong enough to stay in a relationship ".so i avoid approaching girls.In fact i only talk to girls i know are married or atttached.

 

[Guest]

Hi

I feel exactly the same as you do. I find it very difficult to speak to girls especially ones who I think are single. My problem is when i go to speak to them i think i will either say stupid, someway insult them or just freeze up. The only way i pick up the courage to speak to girl who i did not know would be to have a drink first which increases the chance of me doing something unhelpful. I would suppose most people on this site would struggle to speak to strangers especially ones of the opposite sex, so we all feel the same as you.

 

[aliasgirl]

..

 

[LA323]

i dont have problems talking 2 girls, i really like talking 2 them and having a good time, but its my SA that keeps me from having a serious relationship with one. The fact of me approaching them, or them talking 2 me, i awsome, I LOVE GIRLS, but i say to myself: ''Ahhh what the hell, why bother in having a relationship if, my SA is gonna get in the way of everything i want to do with her" so thats how i feel

 

[Anonymous]

Go to a place where you can meet girls and talk to them in a safe environment. Have intimate and personal conversations with them, where you describe your feelings to them (self-disclosure) and they have the sympathy to correct your thoughts and re-adjust your perceptions. Practice doing all of the things that you fear doing -- making boring conversation, etc. and see what the reaction is. Go to a place where you can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where you can just be yourself.

 

[Anonymous]

i dont have problems talking 2 girls, i really like talking 2 them and having a good time, but its my SA that keeps me from having a serious relationship with one. The fact of me approaching them, or them talking 2 me, i awsome, I LOVE GIRLS, but i say to myself: ''Ahhh what the hell, why bother in having a relationship if, my SA is gonna get in the way of everything i want to do with her" so thats how i feel

You might be not so deep into SA just as myself, I can totally relate to you. my relationships often end in a couple of weeks or less. last time i think i kind of fell in love thinkin she was the one who would share my way of thinking and enjoy life. but it seems she also got bored. ( i did too ) and we broke up. of course we didn't tell to each other this was the cause. So yep. ur not alone.

 

[Anonymous]

Yes, this sounds all too familiar. I haven't had a 'boyfriend' in over 6 years and even that wasn't a proper relationship and it didn't work out very well because I am so quiet. I think that I am destined to be alone or be lucky enough to find someone a bit more understanding who will maybe bring me out of my shell. I feel that is more likely to happen that me getting over SP.
Twice I have pushed someone away because of my SP but then he didn't turn out to be very nice anyway so I guess it was no great loss!
The idea of being alone with someone I don' know very well and have to maintain conversation for hours on end scares the hell out of me.
With the guy I pushed away I kept thinking, he is more social than me, he will be embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and family, he lives life better than I do, he is more interesting...etc etc etc.....So basically it is over before it began!!!!

Hi, I was the original poster.I can so relate to this "I kept thinking, he is more social than me, he will be embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and family, he lives life better than I do, he is more interesting...etc etc etc....." and "The idea of being alone with someone I don' know very well and have to maintain conversation for hours on end scares the hell out of me".

Maybe we should get together , then we could spend hours saying nothing,but we would feel so comfortable, as neither of us would expect lots of conversation , and we would understand each other perfectly (what about it) lol.I do think that we are often understood , people think we are snoby , boring , uninterested in the other person cause we don't talk to them.when all we want to do is talk , but it simply doesn't come to us.we just stay mute and then all the negative thoughts come flooding in , even the ones that arn't even related to the situation.

 

[Dill]

Its true, We all can relate to this.

But for me this next week is goona be hell. My friend organised me a blind date next week Saturday. I AM SCARED AS HELL.

I have never done something like that before. Wot if she thinks Im boring or wierd. I know its all just thoughts , but I just can't help it, they just pop up in my head. My hearts already starting to pulpitate while im righting this

NEway, do any of you guys have any tips . I would be greatful so please swing them my way.

 

[Anonymous]

Its true, We all can relate to this.

But for me this next week is goona be hell. My friend organised me a blind date next week Saturday. I AM SCARED AS HELL.

I have never done something like that before. Wot if she thinks Im boring or wierd. I know its all just thoughts , but I just can't help it, they just pop up in my head. My hearts already starting to pulpitate while im righting this

NEway, do any of you guys have any tips . I would be greatful so please swing them my way.

One way is to try to stop these negative thoughts before they get to you,as once you get into the cycle of negative thoughts they will run and run,and you will find yourself going over things that happened in the past and things that "may" go wrong on the date and even the negative things that "may" happen in the future if things go well.Try to catch yourself as many times as you can in the next week having these negative thoughts like "will I be boring" "will she like me" "will she notice my anxiety".as soon as you notice a negative thought,tell your mind to stop,then do something to distract these thoughts,like a hobby,read a book,listen to music,exercise,really whatever will take you mind off it.In this way the thoughts won't get out of hand.The more you practise this the more you will be able to stop the thoughts.On the date itself remember that she will be equally nervous meeting someone on a blind date.it's amazing the number of times we have these negative thoughts.I've just started using it 3 weeks ago.i still have the thoughts,but I can nearly always catch them before they get out of control.hope this helps

 

[Anonymous]

Go to a place where you can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where you can just be yourself.

1) Where can you meet girls and talk to them in a safe environment?
2) .... have sypathy to correct your thought and re-adjust your perceptions? Assuming I had the courage and oppurtunity to meet these girls... what kind of a girl would waste her time allowing me to describe my feelings.
3) ok, I'll give it a try, I will practice doing things I fear, small things at first.. like making boring convo.... not necessarily to attractive women though... that's a bit too much for right now.
4) ummm....where is this place that I can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where I can just be myself..... is this a place called Utopia? umm... cute, uninhibited and sweet girls? I don't believe such a girl actually exists? would be nice though.

 

[Anonymous]

ummm....where is this place that I can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where I can just be myself.....

Scunthorpe

 

[Anonymous]

fantasy island.... :lol:

da plane! da plane!! :lol:

 

[GettingThere]

For every shy guy in the world, there is a shy girl. Trick is getting the two together. I see no reason why the two can't meet through the medium of one of the many personal sites online. You just need to say that you are shy and even indicate that you are interested in meeting another shy type. This brings to mind the lyrics of a song sung by Bette Midler;

"The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

 

[Crimefish]

I have agoraphobia, so I never leave the house without my mother. Needless to say, I don't want to talk to a guy with my mother there, so I'm limited to doing it online. I have very few problems with online conversation.

 

[Anonymous]

Go to a place where you can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where you can just be yourself.

1) Where can you meet girls and talk to them in a safe environment?
2) .... have sypathy to correct your thought and re-adjust your perceptions? Assuming I had the courage and oppurtunity to meet these girls... what kind of a girl would waste her time allowing me to describe my feelings.
3) ok, I'll give it a try, I will practice doing things I fear, small things at first.. like making boring convo.... not necessarily to attractive women though... that's a bit too much for right now.
4) ummm....where is this place that I can socially experiment with really cute, really uninhibited, sweet girls in a low pressure environment where there is no social judgment, no rigid rules for conduct, where I can just be myself..... is this a place called Utopia? umm... cute, uninhibited and sweet girls? I don't believe such a girl actually exists? would be nice though.

I don't want to give away my secrets.

 

[Anonymous]

hi

http://groups.msn.com/Calmestplace2/general.msnw

 

[Anonymous]

I have agoraphobia, so I never leave the house without my mother. Needless to say, I don't want to talk to a guy with my mother there, so I'm limited to doing it online. I have very few problems with online conversation.

I really feel for you.I'm always complaining about my sa,but at least I can go to work and go out at night (although I don't always feel comfortable a lot of the time at parties).But it's hell meeting girls,as I don't have great conversation skills (quiet most of the time) and I have low self esteem.If I do meet one I feel it's doomed from the start,as I 'm always telling myself that I'm not good enough for her and she will get fed up with boring old me quickly.I hope one day I will find one that really understands me and will accept me as I am.But I guess I need to accept myself first.

You really should try to get some help with the agoraphobia.It's ok to go out with your mother,but think about all the things that your missing out on by limiting yourself like this.Seriously please do promise yourself that you will seek help for this,as you are missing out on so much,even if the world seems to be full of hateful people,there are still some real nice people in this world also.good luck

 

[Crimefish]

Seriously please do promise yourself that you will seek help for this,as you are missing out on so much,even if the world seems to be full of hateful people,there are still some real nice people in this world also.good luck

Thanks for the support. I start CBT next week. It might even work.

 

[Mathgan]

problems with talking/dating

I did all that. You all wanna know how I coped with it? I grew older. I always thought I was somehow cursed, or ugly, or something like that. All I wanted was sex with a woman - and I was like too ugly. Ughh!
I will talk anything at anytime with any one. Wanna talk?
Mathgan

 

[Anonymous]

RE: Social(dis)grace

I am so totally held back when it comes to dating because of my insane shyness. Its also hard for me, because I am a gay guy, so even if I am able to say to myself "eh, rejection won't matter that much, its not like I am losing anything", I face the fact that godforbid the guy is straight, it may result in a nice pummeling.
It totally stinks not being able to just go up to people and talk to them... it is so easy for some people.[/i]