spaceboy135
Well-known member
I remember as a middle schooler, I had a youth minister at church who I felt uneasy around. Why? Well, I saw how my twin brother and his friends always made him crack up laughing-- I didn't know how to do this and felt like I had to do the same as well. But I rarely succeeded. I resorted to just making a complete fool of myself in order to make people laugh... This actually drove the youth minister to DISlike me, not like me.
My mom once told me, "You know that they're not laughing with you, but that they're laughing AT you, right?" She was sweet and wanted to help me be cooler by only saying something funny when I really did have something funny to say, but being sensitive I took it offensively and shut her off.
But it's so true... and now I'm looking back to before those hectic, pressuring, stressful middle school days at the way I really was, which was 5th grade and under. I love that Michael. The creative and smart one who can solve any problem and have fun with ease. I just let other people change me too much. Little did I know that even if I wasn't as bubbly and likable as my twin brother, whom it was so easy to compare myself to with dismay, there really were awesome, amazing people out there who would love more than anything to be in the company of people like me. I just didn't know!
I kept this stupid humor up at friends' birthday parties, at school, always felt like I had to be crazy to be liked. Then I guess I saw it wasn't getting me any girls-- was awfully shy around beautiful girls and felt like a loser when I was in the company of not-so-pretty ones, because my twin would always ask me, "Why were you talking to HER??"
And since my older brother Wes seemed to like my twin so much more than me, it sorta got drilled into my mind that he was somehow better than I am. That humor is better than seriousness, even though I wasn't always serious. I can be funny too... and I made my twin laugh more than anybody else without even trying. But still, it seeped into my brain that there was something wrong with my sensitive, truth-and-beauty-loving, artistic, creative personality.
I agree that it's not good to always be serious. But when it comes to who I am... I just am what I am, and I can't change even a hair on my head.
Nowadays I've stopped making a fool of myself to amuse others. I assert my own personality more now; when I had a woman who LOVED every speck of who I truly was last year, my anxiety was completely gone and I knew who I was more than ever. But she was an engaged mother, so... I had to stop helping her cheat on her fiancee... I'm glad I didn't break that family apart because it would've torn my heart apart watching them pass the baby back and forth like some football. They are now happily married. But the point of that is that, yes, there are people out there, wonderful people, who would love me for who I am... I just have to remember that.
I have to learn that I'm awesome just as I am... and relearn the good qualities about myself again. Have to learn that I'm not inferior to anyone or any personality type. It'll take time. Affirmation is always good though.
My mom once told me, "You know that they're not laughing with you, but that they're laughing AT you, right?" She was sweet and wanted to help me be cooler by only saying something funny when I really did have something funny to say, but being sensitive I took it offensively and shut her off.
But it's so true... and now I'm looking back to before those hectic, pressuring, stressful middle school days at the way I really was, which was 5th grade and under. I love that Michael. The creative and smart one who can solve any problem and have fun with ease. I just let other people change me too much. Little did I know that even if I wasn't as bubbly and likable as my twin brother, whom it was so easy to compare myself to with dismay, there really were awesome, amazing people out there who would love more than anything to be in the company of people like me. I just didn't know!
I kept this stupid humor up at friends' birthday parties, at school, always felt like I had to be crazy to be liked. Then I guess I saw it wasn't getting me any girls-- was awfully shy around beautiful girls and felt like a loser when I was in the company of not-so-pretty ones, because my twin would always ask me, "Why were you talking to HER??"
And since my older brother Wes seemed to like my twin so much more than me, it sorta got drilled into my mind that he was somehow better than I am. That humor is better than seriousness, even though I wasn't always serious. I can be funny too... and I made my twin laugh more than anybody else without even trying. But still, it seeped into my brain that there was something wrong with my sensitive, truth-and-beauty-loving, artistic, creative personality.
I agree that it's not good to always be serious. But when it comes to who I am... I just am what I am, and I can't change even a hair on my head.
Nowadays I've stopped making a fool of myself to amuse others. I assert my own personality more now; when I had a woman who LOVED every speck of who I truly was last year, my anxiety was completely gone and I knew who I was more than ever. But she was an engaged mother, so... I had to stop helping her cheat on her fiancee... I'm glad I didn't break that family apart because it would've torn my heart apart watching them pass the baby back and forth like some football. They are now happily married. But the point of that is that, yes, there are people out there, wonderful people, who would love me for who I am... I just have to remember that.
I have to learn that I'm awesome just as I am... and relearn the good qualities about myself again. Have to learn that I'm not inferior to anyone or any personality type. It'll take time. Affirmation is always good though.
