SA compare to "other" people

[mariecherrie]

I really think a huge hinderance on getting better with our anxieties is the mentality that we think we are so different from other people- and that all others have it all together and all figured out. Not true. Everyone experiences nervousness in situations, many the same we do. But what I wanted to explain, is that MOST (maybe not all) but most of us are Pro-social people. What do i mean by that? We care about others, we want positive interactions to come from social situations, not negative. (The only negative comes from our own minds). I think we can all say we want to be popular (at least well-liked) pro social indiviuals. The definition of this is: Kind, considerate (most SAers are this by nature), usually combine academic and social competence, performing well in school and communicating with peers in sensitive, friendly, and cooperative ways. (I feel like being CONSIDERATE AND COOPERATIVE is what many people who arent pro social LACK).. But other popular children are admired for their socially adept yet billegerent behavior. This smaller subtype, "Popular Anti-social children" includes "tough boys" possibly athletically gifted but poor students who cause trouble and defy adult athourity, are relationally aggressive who enhance their own status by ignoring, excluding, and spreading rumors about other children.

Do you see the huge difference? I don't know about the rest of you, but i fall under Pro social, and actually WAS considered popular as a child. My best friend, though i loved her, could be considered the popular anti social because she didnt have consideration for others as much as i did. Not only did the popular people like me and were my friends, others in my class liked me because i actually was accepting, unlike other popular kids. I would say now, years later, I am not exactly a social butterfly. Even though i would still be considered pro-social. It kind of doesnt make sense.. that anti-social people are considered social butterflies. They def, might be able to "pull it off" b ut to me arent TRUE social butterflies.

Anyway, just thought showing those 2 types of social behavior was interesting. Post thoughts, would you ever be able to consider yourself pro social, or even a social butterfly?

 

[mariecherrie]

I would think by the time its gotten past 30 views A member would have responded by now. No questions or anything? Ok im apparently that good....
A comment would be nice/enhance the discussion....

 

[bleach]

Yes I am pro-social, but i am also introverted and find myself mentally exhausted after any prolonged socialization, even when i am not feeling anxiety. So it is a bit of a two-edged sword. I was never 'popular' per se except in small social circles.

I have to say i do not agree with this at all. just from browsing the forums... many SAers to me seem judgmental and hostile.. among other things (and i don't exclude myself)

I don't agree with it, either. But this is basic human psychology, when you get lots of negative feedback (real and imagined) from other people, it will make you bitter towards them. It is very easy to be optimistic when your experiences are better. Rich people get richer. Poor gets poorer.

 

[mariecherrie]

Yes I am pro-social, but i am also introverted and find myself mentally exhausted after any prolonged socialization, even when i am not feeling anxiety. So it is a bit of a two-edged sword. I was never 'popular' per se except in small social circles.



I don't agree with it, either. But this is basic human psychology, when you get lots of negative feedback (real and imagined) from other people, it will make you bitter towards them. It is very easy to be optimistic when your experiences are better. Rich people get richer. Poor gets poorer.

I don't see either of the points being related but I do think you make valid points, each of you.
Yes I have met some pretty hostile judgemental people thru this forum- who i choose not to interact with unless of course they go off ranting on one of my posts or some one else's. I don't interact with them by choice. To me, that is the worst of both worlds, they hate the world, and the world hates them right back.
Even though its possible to have SA with those kind of characteristics, theres also some extremely understanding people on here, mainly ones who have not taken the "victim mentality" and want to over come the hinderance SA has caused in their life.
You can find aggressive outgoing people and understanding, compassionate outgoing people as well. Just goes to show theres not a set "formula" for some one to be destined to have SA.

I think its normal for people to be exhausted after too much social interaction. I know some outoging people , my professor for instance, who have shared how tiring social situations can be. To me, this is normal and doesnt mean its part of the SA. What i think is weird is when people feed off social situations- like they need that in order to feel good about themselves. That can be unhealthy in just the same way.

You made such a good point about what kind of feed back you get in life determining your outlook. I am experiencing this and actually realizing that right now in my life.. I have had really traumatic things happen (i will spare the details). But I am also a fighter.. I am a HUGE believer in taking whatever life gives you and making it into something good and becoming a stronger person because of it.
Take abuse for example. Some people take that as an excuse to wrong others, because hey I was wronged and I just don't trust people, etc, etc. Some one else, ALSO having a history of abuse, gets out of that abusive realtionship and turns their life around, to be an inspiration to others, become a stronger person, and want to HELP people in that situation.

It really depends how you look at life. I KNOW- its not that easy. Trust me, i think that every day after what happened. It does take its toll. But healing is so important. Anytime I feel a toxic person trying to "poison" me.. I just remember, there was some one else before them, who poisoned them.. I am going to end this cycle.

It sucks at university level because everyone is on their own and could care less about the next guy.

 

[SammyT]

You are right of course - we are not a world away from anyone who doesn't suffer from "social anxiety" in fact, many people suffer social anxiety, but it doesn't lead to avoidance, so they are never really dubbed "social phobic". Of course it is a broad spectrum but believe it or not everyone has the thoughts we do some time or another, but with SA sufferer they are frequent and affecting.

You sound similar to me marie, I was never unpopular but it is my nature which tends to be caring and empathetic - whether this is down to upbringing or genetic and chemical or both I don't know, its likely different for each individual. This creates a susceptibility to anxieties and depressive thoughts when we or other people are harmed. Social anxiety is the end product of this. The truth is that everyone has a degree of social anxiety by the time they are an adult, and naturally so, but people who are more empathetic or sensetive will have it more, as I say, quite naturally.


Ps. The purple text is really difficult to read by the way!!

 

[Argamemnon]

we think we are so different from other people- and that all others have it all together and all figured out. Not true.

I respectfully disagree with with this. I know I'm different from most people. Most people don't experience debilitating anxiety around people like I do. Not to the extent that it destroys their lives and hopes. They don't become severely depressed and lonely. I'm depressed, suffer from insomnia and severe anxiety. I know for certain that this is not the case for most people. And I'm not social by any means. Even reading the word social triggered anxiety feelings in me.

 

[mariecherrie]

Sammy T, decided to try writing in blue instead, is that better?? I agree with ur post- very well said. I am realizing now, I think for me it is a combination of genetic and upbringing.. as is true for most. At first I thought it was all genetic but lately, after having to be around my parents more lately, I have become being more assertive for myself, and they dont like this. They see that i am changing (might i add its for the better, in a healthier way) and they don't like it. I am beginning to see a lot (more than i want to give credit to) is due to my upbringing. No, they never taught me bad principles, more the way they think and maladaptive thought patterns.
This does bring up an interesting point. In what ways do you think upbringing can lead to social anxiety? I know some people who are just shy by nature, but do not experience SA.. (in an extreme way of course, as i agree with you that theres a broad spectrum and people experience it, its only a matter of time and a matter of a given situation). Can you think of specific maladaptive, maybe not even intentional (subliminal) ideas we are taught growing up that could lead to developing SA?

I respectfully disagree with with this. I know I'm different from most people. Most people don't experience debilitating anxiety around people like I do. Not to the extent that it destroys their lives and hopes. They don't become severely depressed and lonely. I'm depressed, suffer from insomnia and severe anxiety. I know for certain that this is not the case for most people. And I'm not social by any means. Even reading the word social triggered anxiety feelings in me.

You are missing the whole idea behind what I wrote.. Perhaps (and this is what I was referring to) the reason WHY you feel that way is due to thinking that. I am not asking you to deny any symptoms of SA. In fact it would be good that you get to the point of accepting them, as limiting as they are, they CAN be worked through and changed. Yes, you do sound depressed. And its like a cycle, because since you have depression that negativity will in turn produce anxiety because of your outloook which depression gives. What I was saying in that other post is WHY don't those people become severely depressed and / or have anxiety as you are experiencing? Are they really that different than you? Surely not. You have to get that out of your head or else you will be stuck and thinking its unchangeable. Every person reacts to a given situation in a different way. Yes you are absolutely correct. We are different.. and different in that we will react to situations differently. Person A may have the same situation as Person B, but come out of it resiliently, as opposed to B who stays stagnant, ruminating over the negative of the circumstance. Experiencing anxiety and depression is a very very unneeded and painful way to be different than others. By different, I guess I should specify what I mean is people who do not struggle (or at least appear not to) are not "BETTER"-- this is not some kind of character flaw, but really is genetic based only because of our wiring and how we are PROGRAMMED TO THINK- it can be reversed and used to our advantage-- see Lucinda Basset's "From Panic to Power" It explains that people with anxiety usually have A LOT going for them- they just need to be taught skills to get their anxiety under control. It really opens ur eyes to possibilities that are there that maybe would not be noticed with anxiety and depression getting in the way

 

[dottie]

generally people use the term "antisocial" to describe social phobes like ourselves. although the textbook definition for "antisocial" is quite similar to what you described:

of or pertaining to a pattern of behavior in which social norms and the rights of others are persistently violated.

basically true antisocials have little empathy and regard for others' well being. quite the opposite of us! but i'm ok with people calling me antisocial just because i don't like to socialize.

 

[Psychedelicious]

Trout Slap

I don't know if I agree. I agree that other people have problems, not as bad, just as bad, or maybe even worse than us. That I cannot judge on. I however, am definitely not a "pro-social" person, as you say. I think some people with social phobia are, and well some just aren't. I'm just not like other people, and I don't know if I want to be. I'll actually go out of my way to do things noticeably different from everyone else. You know, some of us are just weirdos, and don't fit under any group. I just want to be happy I guess. And in your original post when you say anti-social, I think you mean more sociopathic rather than anti-social?

I was totally the one doing purple bold text first!!! I don't think you stole it though lol.

 

[TheLoneWolf]

the spectrum is very wide for what types of people there are with SA. Theres no real way to classify anyone

 

[Argamemnon]

You are missing the whole idea behind what I wrote.. Perhaps (and this is what I was referring to) the reason WHY you feel that way is due to thinking that. I am not asking you to deny any symptoms of SA. In fact it would be good that you get to the point of accepting them, as limiting as they are, they CAN be worked through and changed. Yes, you do sound depressed. And its like a cycle, because since you have depression that negativity will in turn produce anxiety because of your outloook which depression gives. What I was saying in that other post is WHY don't those people become severely depressed and / or have anxiety as you are experiencing? Are they really that different than you? Surely not. You have to get that out of your head or else you will be stuck and thinking its unchangeable. Every person reacts to a given situation in a different way. Yes you are absolutely correct. We are different.. and different in that we will react to situations differently. Person A may have the same situation as Person B, but come out of it resiliently, as opposed to B who stays stagnant, ruminating over the negative of the circumstance. Experiencing anxiety and depression is a very very unneeded and painful way to be different than others. By different, I guess I should specify what I mean is people who do not struggle (or at least appear not to) are not "BETTER"-- this is not some kind of character flaw, but really is genetic based only because of our wiring and how we are PROGRAMMED TO THINK- it can be reversed and used to our advantage-- see Lucinda Basset's "From Panic to Power" It explains that people with anxiety usually have A LOT going for them- they just need to be taught skills to get their anxiety under control. It really opens ur eyes to possibilities that are there that maybe would not be noticed with anxiety and depression getting in the way

You seem to believe that anxiety and depression are a result of our thinking patterns. I don't agree with this. I think that some people are more prone to depression and anxiety due to genetic or biological factors.

 

[mariecherrie]

You seem to believe that anxiety and depression are a result of our thinking patterns. I don't agree with this. I think that some people are more prone to depression and anxiety due to genetic or biological factors.

Thats a negative.​

 

[mariecherrie]

the spectrum is very wide for what types of people there are with SA. Theres no real way to classify anyone

Who are you talking to here?? This is a discussion.. made for the purpose of discussing. Here's a way to classify: people who have SA and people who don't. There's all sorts of ways and roles people take on in oursociety. Thats a way we classify people. Now does this become your sole identity? Surely not. There's more to a person as to whether they have SA or whether they don't-- didn't think I needed to say that..​

 

[alphaberto]

It's difficult to identify exactly what your point is here. Are you saying that it isn't fair that people who generally try to be agreeable aren't the stand out people in society?

 

[mariecherrie]

It's difficult to identify exactly what your point is here. Are you saying that it isn't fair that people who generally try to be agreeable aren't the stand out people in society?

As hard as it is to believe, my point is not that hard to understand- considering your the first person who can't see "exactly" waht it is.

Bottom line: Comparing Pro-social people to Anti-socials. And seeing where SA fits into that.

Now, go back with that in mind to the original post and maybe you will have a better understanding

 

[Argamemnon]

Thats a negative.​

Rather a reality.

 

[mariecherrie]

Rather a reality.

1) I meant "negative" is in, that's a no. 2) Perception is reality.