SA or AVPD

[thugaveli]

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety but im really begining to wonder if i have avoidant personality disorder

Im not so sure its recognised in the UK?

I asked my therapist if he thought i had avpd and he laughed and said youve been reading too much on the internet, i could have slapped him right at that moment

He wouldnt read any of my notes because i find it very hard talking about my problems so really he didnt get the full picture of my illness

Well heres a few factors

I hate my personality and hate everything about me, the way i behave, the things i do, the way i do things

I am ashamed of everything and anything personally to do with me, i even wrote in my notes that i could be playing football for england and id still be ashamed of myself

I hate people getting too close and personal, if people ask me what things i like doing i get all anxious and depressed because im ashamed of myself

I have very low self esteem around people and cant open up and talk about things in general like music, movies, chit chat because im ashamed and feel people may critisise my tastes or in their mind they may be thinking bad of me

I am very sensitive to critisism even though i know every one at some point will get critisised but i cannot accept it and i either have to put things right otherwise im not happy, it plays on my mind that somebody doesnt like me

There could be 99 people that love me and 1 person that doesnt and id take it to heart and that 1 person would upset me, thats how sensitive and deluded i am

I cant help it =(

 

[Starry]

I don't know if it's AvPD. But I totally understand and experience everything you've written down. Especially the disliking oneself and being ashamed/afraid/anxious to admit one's tastes in music/films etc for fear of being negatively judged. And the disliking of people getting too close. I so badly want to be close to someone, but it terrifies me at the same time. But everything there is true for me.

I can't help it either.

Sorry I can't be of more help. But at least you know you're not alone in your feelings.

*EDIT* After reading a lot about AvPD, I can definitely say that it sounds a lot like me. I agreed with everything that was said on the sites I've been on.

It's really awful that your therapist laughed at you. I tend to get the "You've been reading too much on the internet" thing if I have to go to the doctors. I am rather paranoid, so I look things up and become more paranoid. I'm so useful aren't I? :roll:

I really hope your therapist will listen to you properly and/or read your notes next time and that you can get whatever the problem is sorted.

 

[thugaveli]

Yea i find it hard to interact with people without thinking (omg they are going to ask me something personal and negativly judge whatever i say)

My perception has always been negative in my mind im studying body language and what people say and percieve it as negative and then stuff just replays in my mind
For example if someone smiles at me im thinking that they are not smiling because they are happy, i think they are thinking in their mind that im an idiot

It seems no matter what i do ill always be the same even if i had more hobbies and intrests i know im always going to be ashamed of them because its me and i dont know how to change the way i see myself

Yea you so badly want to be close to someone weathers its friends or a relationship but you feel you cant
The majority of the time i dont feel good enough i just feel so ashamed of myself or anything to do with me

I have thrown myself into situations and going into them somewhat confident and then when the conversation gets personal i shut up shop and im killed by silence, and then it just makes me worse i feel im in a no win situation

I mean i cant even talk to my mum when she asks about football even that makes me anxious and silent, and shes the closest person i have
Or if a friend asks me about a film or tv program i tend to keep conversation to a minimal

Ahh the therapist discharged me after 3 sessions he was trying to get me into work, it was ridiculous he wouldnt read my diaries (because i find it hard to talk about stuff like this so i typed all my feelings out) and yet hes tryin to throw me into work when im feeling depressed, paranoid and vulnerable, im glad i dont see him because hes an idiot

I know im the same i look things up on the internet and relate to it then im thinking i may have this illness and then i panic

Im only under the dr now but he wants me to go back to therapy / shrink whatever and i hate it but we'll see what happens

Its nice to know someone can relate to me

 

[Starry]

Finaly I can post again. (Stupid post limit. :roll: )

Yea i find it hard to interact with people without thinking (omg they are going to ask me something personal and negativly judge whatever i say)

My perception has always been negative in my mind im studying body language and what people say and percieve it as negative and then stuff just replays in my mind
For example if someone smiles at me im thinking that they are not smiling because they are happy, i think they are thinking in their mind that im an idiot

Yes, I understand that exactly. If people are nice to me I can't help but think they're being nice so that they can be mean a little later to hurt me even more. I'm always thinking people think I'm stupid and worthless. I find it uncomfortable and I get anxiety when people say they like me, or anything even though I like people being nice to me. It's really difficult.

It seems no matter what i do ill always be the same even if i had more hobbies and intrests i know im always going to be ashamed of them because its me and i dont know how to change the way i see myself

I know that feeling too. No matter what I like, I think people think it's stupid and I'm ashamed. I don't know how to change those feelings either. I try to tell myself that people aren't going to judge me that way, but still the voice in my head tells me that's all a lie and people do think less of me. :? It's horrible being so torn like that: Arguing with your own mind and basic feelings.

Yea you so badly want to be close to someone weathers its friends or a relationship but you feel you cant
The majority of the time i dont feel good enough i just feel so ashamed of myself or anything to do with me

I have thrown myself into situations and going into them somewhat confident and then when the conversation gets personal i shut up shop and im killed by silence, and then it just makes me worse i feel im in a no win situation

I mean i cant even talk to my mum when she asks about football even that makes me anxious and silent, and shes the closest person i have
Or if a friend asks me about a film or tv program i tend to keep conversation to a minimal

I can talk with my mum about things that don't require a proper opinion, but I have a difficult time talking about anything that does, especially things with personal opinions/feelings. I get anxious asking her to pick up CDs for me. (though I asked her today to pick up a couple of CDs I've wanted for months, but haven't had the courage to ask, so yay for that.) I can't ask her to get books at all. I think that she'll dislike my choice and dislike me because of it. :? I know it's illogical, she's my mum, but still... But it upsets her because she thinks she's been a bad parent and she hasn't. I hate upsetting her, but I just can't express my feelings. I'm better with one of my nieces, (she's 14) but I'm still a little closed around her. I'm only really free to be myself on the internet, but I still get anxious sometimes when expressing an opinion.

I'm afraid I'll aways be like this and never be able to be really close to anyone. Which is all I want, but also what I'm terrified of. Because being close to people means trusting that they will never hurt me and I have a very difficult time trusting people because of the negative feelings.

Ahh the therapist discharged me after 3 sessions he was trying to get me into work, it was ridiculous he wouldnt read my diaries (because i find it hard to talk about stuff like this so i typed all my feelings out) and yet hes tryin to throw me into work when im feeling depressed, paranoid and vulnerable, im glad i dont see him because hes an idiot

He does indeed sound like an idiot. :x

I know im the same i look things up on the internet and relate to it then im thinking i may have this illness and then i panic

So, so like me. I was convinced I had a brain tumor at one point And another time I thought I had throat cancer. (Which was only tonsilitis lol) I get so worked up about it. I burst out crying and panic. I really need to learn to control the crying, I do it waayy too often. :? I hate crying, especially if anyone (in real life, I'm fine admiting it online lol) knows about it. I hate people knowing I'm crying or have been crying. I think they'll think I'm weak and pathetic. Though I don't think anyone else is weak and pathetic for crying. Where do these thoughts come from? That's what I want to know.

Im only under the dr now but he wants me to go back to therapy / shrink whatever and i hate it but we'll see what happens

Its nice to know someone can relate to me

Well, I hope if you do see another therapist/shrink/whatever they are better than the last one and can really help you.

Just read this back to myself. I say "I think people will think" too much. That's the whole problem I think. I project my negative opinions of myself into the perceived minds of others.

 

[thugaveli]

Lol i didn't know there were a posting limit

Yea im always suspicious when people smile or comment me i take it very negativly i do NOT know why
Why cant i just see they are happy and surely thats a good thing....hmmm

Your mind will come up with 1 million answers for a reason to why someone has commented on your hair for example, i mean sometimes i'll think they trying to boost my self esteem and then i really do take it negativly, its hard to accept it in a positive way

Well done!
Yea it must be difficult for your mum it is for mine
I can open upto her ( very rarely ) on the phone but not in person
I always think shes looking for me to react and show emotion, and id rather die than let people see my emotions especially crying so i know where your coming from

I feel i can open up more on the internet, ye i still get anxious but not as bad as i would in reality, its kind of a barrier

I know what you mean we all need friends and family we can trust and be close too.
Were living a very isolated life with the way we are
Even my mum doesnt know who i am i dont think she ever will because of this problem with anxiety and shame

Im exactly the same, i can accept other people crying but if i cry i know it will be a tragedy, my mouth will start shakin and ill just totally humilliate myself
Its always good to have a good cry you shouldnt prevent yourself =)
Its really difficult being a guy and having all these emotions thrown at you, and being so sensitive i really wish i could be the real me like when im on my own but im a bit crazy lol

Just read this back to myself. I say "I think people will think" too much. That's the whole problem I think. I project my negative opinions of myself into the perceived minds of others.

I totally agree

 

[Starry]

Yes there's a posting limit: 7 posts in 24 hours...

I totally agree with and understand everything you've said. (Well, except for being a guy lol, it's kind of hard to understand that when you're a girl.... :lol: ) But it's hard being a girl with all these emotions thrown at you and being so sensitive too.

Crazy can be good BTW. My best friend (Online) is a bit crazy, she's great though. It makes her unique. I don't think I'm crazy, but I'm definitely weird lol.

The problem is how to change the negative opinions we have of ourselves? (Well, it seems to be a very big part of the problem, I doubt it's the whole problem)

 

[featherflight]

wow you all sound so much like me. I need a therapist ): last time (four/five years ago) i had one they didnt listen. and for the past 3/4 ive been trying to get rebooked but they never listen. or my gp says he'll refer me. I only ask my gp. I don't know where else to go and my mother thinks i can fix it by myself. If you lot find out if you have APD, Please let me know.

 

[pixiebabi]

tc you could look at this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AvPD

hope it helps

 

[ignisfatuus]

Generalized social anxiety disorder (versus sub-threshold i.e. you only have problems with one situation instead of everything) is considered by some to be the same construct as AvPD. Meh...I was going to link the article, but apparently it has been removed. I printed it out, but the mess on my desk is rather formidable, so I will have to leave off finding it to quote the relevant passage for now. It was an interesting read though.