SA, wasted potential, embarassment and crippling anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Did SA hold you back from what you wanted or should be doing in life? I was smart in high school, the top 25 in my graduating class. Got good grades.. But SA did its destruction, I dropped out of college with an A- average. I tried to go back a few years later, but I was scared when I got there to register. I just sat in the car and cried, then went home.

I have a 20 yr HS reunion in a year. No way in hell am I going. I have nothing happening in my life. A dead man has more going on. I'm way too embarrassed, have no accomplishments. Most classmates I've seen have great careers and family. I'm like a loser bum, with no skills. SA took 20 yrs from me. These reunions are just like pissing contests. You compare each others lives, and laugh at the failures.

And when an invitation is sent (for anything), its always for you and a "guest". Well, I never had a guest to bring. SA, no career, no self esteem. What do you expect..

I went to the beach last summer, was very depressing. Seeing couples on the beach holding hands, laying in the sand making out. The ocean was supposed to calm me down, got me mad.

Even if I finished college, I couldn't get passed in the interviews. I blown every one so far. Poor eye contact, shaking hands, sweating, stuttering.

In most social situatons, i would rather die than suffer thru the anxiety. I have to rehearse phone calls for god sakes. Have no friends. When asked how i'm doing, I lie. When my family is asked how I am, they lie.

How in the hell can one get thru live with SA? Being social is the key to life. You can't succeed and grow as a person without social interaction. Can't make money... Can't build a family. You are judged by your accomplishments, family, and your spot in the social pipeline. I've missed out on several past opportunites. Had a chance to get a few girlfriends (years ago), but I just ran away.

It just hurts so bad seeing other people I know do well, live and experience life. While I live in fear. I read something where most people are in prison due to mental illness because the asylums are full. Hope I don't end up there.

I go to the movies alone. My big night out to eat is the McDonalds drive thru. Can't eat alone in a restaurant, afraid of the waitress anyway.

You can't tell anyone about your SA, because mental illness is laughed at, your labelled, crazy, loony, weak, etc. There's a mentally ill neighbor here, and there's alot of gossip. Others laugh at him.

I don't know where to turn, It feels like I'm losing my grip on a rope, hanging off a cliff and about to let go. My life is such a tragedy.

 

[Ads7800]

I totally empathise with you. I myself am only 21 and have a lot of things yet to deal with. I just wonder, nowhere in your post do you mention any treatment, have you had any? If so what?
There are many great treatments and medications to trial.
All I can really say, as I haven't gotten over any of my anxiety yet, is to just keep trying to live the best you can. I know it hurts to be alone.
Chin up.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi,I know the stigma that is attached to illness of the mind. But when I discovered that I had SA,I decided I had 2 choices a) do nothing and end up getting worse and maybe end up really depressed or b) seek help.I decided that seeking help was a much better option.I think you should go and talk to your GP and explain that you think you have SA so as he/she will find the correct treatment,cause if you say your depressed they will only give you tabs.As for therapy,the therapy that works well for anxiety is CBT and this does not go over and over your past,but focusing on the present and your thoughts and behaviors and helps you think and act more rationally and stop all the negative thoughts.If you do decide to go for therapy,then you don't need to tell everyone,whats the point.No one needs to know,apart from you and your GP and maybe someone you are close to.I hope you decide to seek help,as nothing is as bad as the hell of SA.

 

[Anonymous]

I'm just like you.
In 7th grade I was a straight A student and did all my work and then in high school,10th grade, It happened. I got SA.

I couldn't talk, and lost ALL MY FRIENDS. On Oral Presentation days, I was absent from school or told the teacher I forgot to do it. At Lunch, I would sit by myself or go to the Libary to read a book.

Now In college, I'm having a difficulty. I think others are always watching me and I feel like that they think I'm retarded or something. It hurts so bad. And I never had a girlfrined either.

 

[Anonymous]

I can completely relate to what your saying. My life has followed a similar path. Did well at school, first signs of SA started to appear during college years but I just managed to graduate from college and get a job before SA completely took over. Haven't progressed at all in my job in 10 years. That's my life story. If my life was to flash before my eyes, it would stop at the age of 19. No other major life events have occurred. I may as well have been locked up in prison. In fact, at times I feel that my life is metaphorically a life-sentence in prison for a crime I didn't commit.

I used to worry about the possibility of high school reunions, seeing all the people I used to know getting on with their lives whilst mine stagnated in a pool of fear. Even the guys who just bummed around at school and dropped out with passing a single exam have made more of their lives. But then I made up my mind that I had no intention of attending any reunion, so that doesn't bother me now. There's no point in comparing your live with everyone elses. It's a destructive process.

It's easy to find yourself wallowing in a sea of despair, where life is nothing but blackness, hopelessness and misery and desparate disappointment, but I think you need to find things which give you glimmers of hope so that you can rise out of the mire.

I'm guessing you're now in your 30's, which isn't old. When you get to 50, you'll look back at your 30's as being young. So don't think it's too late to for good things to happen in your life. But you need to take action to make things change. You must find the motivation from somewhere. You don't want to reach the age of 70 and look back at your 30's and be saying to yourself, damn, I still had so much time on my hands then, but I didn't even try to help myself...I gave up too soon. If only I could be 35 again I would try so much harder to get a cure to that damned SA next time round. You know you don't want to be thinking that.

I'm just taking the first steps to try to rid myself of this crippling disorder. Most days are still as bad as they've always been when I leave the house and face the world. But I'm finding the time I spend alone in the evenings to be more hopeful. I don't come home after another shitty day in the office and feel like I wish I could die in my sleep tonight. I am trying to introduce positive things into my life, things which take my mind of worrying about tomorrow at work and how bad I know it's going to be. I look forward to evenings and weekends now, not just to get away from work, but to do spend my time doing things which make me a bit happier. I feel some weight lifting from my shoulders during these times, the darkness lessens.

You need to take action. You may be suffering from depression as well as SA. It may be best to go see a doctor or therapist first and see if you need medication to help lift any depression. Then you need to start helping yourself and doing it every day. Don't force yourself out to things which make you miserable, like the beach or movies or whatever where your'e only going to see couples doing the things you wish you coul dbe doing. Whilst you're in this state of mind, repeated exposure to things which heighten your feelinings of lonliness are not going to help.

Instead find things to do which make you happier. Perhaps if you like music, take up a musical instrument, take some lessons. As you improve, see if there are local group classes with people to play with. It's a good way of being with people without having to do much actual "socialising". You can communicate through the music. Perhaps photography, sport? Find things you like and do them. Try to keep active, mentally and physically. It will help lift you from your despair.

But at the same time, you will need to take action to beat the SA head on. Perhaps CBT or other therapies. Research the internet for stories of people who are overcoming SA and see what techniques they have adopted to attack the SA. Make this your motivation to live - to beat this damned disorder that is strangling your life. Each new day will be a another day where you hack away at the poisonous SA which is trying to kill you. Fight back and destroy it. Forget about what all the " normal" people are doing with their lives for now and focus your mind on things which make you happy and things you can do to kill the SA.

 

[Shadow]

I can't recommend more highly that you go see a GP and get put on medication. It would also be very helpful if you saw a counsellor.

I began my treatment less than three months ago (for SAD, GAD and depression) and I've improved enormously. I'm already doing things I though I could never do. Everyday used to be a constant struggle and everyday I wanted to die. But now I'm glad I'm alive and while I still have alot of work to do, I'm looking forward to what my future holds.

Things may seem hopeless now but with a little bit of help, you'll see how quickly things can change. I wish you the best.