Jack-B
Well-known member
All,
As i have read a few posts that relate to confidence and comparing ourself to others i have decided to write a seperate post which i hope you find useful.
Self-confidence is cultivated by examining beforehand what needs to be done, according to our capacity, and then completing whatever we have started. Our confidence in our ability will grow if we are realistic about what we can do. Note: Our self-confidence should not be dependent on how others act or how we perceive them, yet this is how we usually relate to them, this is unbalanced and mistaken.
Sometimes we are shy around people who we 'perceive' to be confident and outgoing. Or, we feel confident and chatty around people who we 'perceive' to be shyer than us. We behave in this unbalanced way because we compare ourselves to others. We then usually over-exaggerate what they/ourself are capable of and this leads to an unrealistic approach to relating to them.
When we perceive others as being more confident what we really do is 'imagine' that they have certain qualities and then imagine we lack these qualities. This leads to a lack of confidence in ourself.
The same is true for these so called shyer people in the same way that we imagine that we have certain qualities which they lack. It then feels like we are confident or have found confidence.
Both these ways of relating to others is unbalanced.
What i mean by 'imagined' qualities is that we can only know for ourself what is going on inside us. People may genuinely be confident or shyer than us but we should deal with what we know and not what we think we see in others. Our experience of confidence will then be genuine and stable and not dependent on anyone else.
I wouldn't be surprised that most of the really confident people we know gain confidence in this way, almost a false sense of confidence. They appear confident but are really masking/hiding their insecurities well.
So in the case of us here at this wonderful site, how can we genuinely improve our self-confidence so our feelings are not dependent on how others appear?
1. Understand the benefits of being self-confident.
2. Understand the faults of not being self-confident.
3. Understand what has to be done, according to our capacity and completing what we have started.
1. Understand the benefits of being self-confident.
Our experience of real mental freedom improves
Our experience of happiness improves.
We become balanced and peaceful
2. Understand the faults of not being self-confident
Over-exaggerated negative thoughts about self & others
Loss of control leading to unhappiness
Creation of negative mental habits & memories which get replayed/relived
3. Understand what has to be done, according to our capacity and completing what we have started.
What is the desired outcome? What effect do we want to create?
Lets say we want to be able to communicate effictively with others whilst enjoying ourself.
Usually we judge beforehand what needs to be done in a negative way so every social situation is already a struggle because we set unrealistic expectations of ourself based on what we think others will say/think. Consequently after every social situation we engage in negative anaylsis of our performance.
So we need to set ourself realistic goals of what we can do. If thats only saying a simple 'hello' to someone thats fine, there's then no need for further anaylsis of how we are doing. We meet our goal of what we want to do and be happy about it!
If we have a meeting at work or are meeting a stranger and we start getting nervous, we remember what we set ourself beforehand. We only need to do whatever it is we set out to do.
If we start ourself off slowly keeping things as simple as possible, we find an extraordinary amount of freedom where we dont then need to engage in any further negative anaylsis of ourself.
Say your goal is just to say hello to one person everyday, stick to it and be happy that you can do this. Over time according to your capacity you increase your level and have an 'inner wealth of strength' or personal experience that you 'can do it'. So you up your game. This is how to build a strong basis of true inner self confidence which cannot be shaken by anyone elses actions.
It takes time, familiarity, and yet it's so simple.
Examples/other ideas/goals:
speak to x strangers per day
say 'hello' to x persons per day
tell x stories per day
stop thinking about SA/SP for x hours per day
be in a place with lots of people x per day
talk to someone for 5 seconds without going 'blank'
stop thinking 'others are thinking about me' for x hours
start conversation with everyone you meet
reveal something no-one knows about you to x persons a day/week
do something that always freaks you out or 'shakey' for a few minutes
The most important thing to remember in my experience is to complete what you set out to do, be happy with it, regardless of what else happens. Wipe the slate clean of your past negative memories and experiences and start off slowly then build up to a good a mental workout.
Jack
As i have read a few posts that relate to confidence and comparing ourself to others i have decided to write a seperate post which i hope you find useful.
Self-confidence is cultivated by examining beforehand what needs to be done, according to our capacity, and then completing whatever we have started. Our confidence in our ability will grow if we are realistic about what we can do. Note: Our self-confidence should not be dependent on how others act or how we perceive them, yet this is how we usually relate to them, this is unbalanced and mistaken.
Sometimes we are shy around people who we 'perceive' to be confident and outgoing. Or, we feel confident and chatty around people who we 'perceive' to be shyer than us. We behave in this unbalanced way because we compare ourselves to others. We then usually over-exaggerate what they/ourself are capable of and this leads to an unrealistic approach to relating to them.
When we perceive others as being more confident what we really do is 'imagine' that they have certain qualities and then imagine we lack these qualities. This leads to a lack of confidence in ourself.
The same is true for these so called shyer people in the same way that we imagine that we have certain qualities which they lack. It then feels like we are confident or have found confidence.
Both these ways of relating to others is unbalanced.
What i mean by 'imagined' qualities is that we can only know for ourself what is going on inside us. People may genuinely be confident or shyer than us but we should deal with what we know and not what we think we see in others. Our experience of confidence will then be genuine and stable and not dependent on anyone else.
I wouldn't be surprised that most of the really confident people we know gain confidence in this way, almost a false sense of confidence. They appear confident but are really masking/hiding their insecurities well.
So in the case of us here at this wonderful site, how can we genuinely improve our self-confidence so our feelings are not dependent on how others appear?
1. Understand the benefits of being self-confident.
2. Understand the faults of not being self-confident.
3. Understand what has to be done, according to our capacity and completing what we have started.
1. Understand the benefits of being self-confident.
Our experience of real mental freedom improves
Our experience of happiness improves.
We become balanced and peaceful
2. Understand the faults of not being self-confident
Over-exaggerated negative thoughts about self & others
Loss of control leading to unhappiness
Creation of negative mental habits & memories which get replayed/relived
3. Understand what has to be done, according to our capacity and completing what we have started.
What is the desired outcome? What effect do we want to create?
Lets say we want to be able to communicate effictively with others whilst enjoying ourself.
Usually we judge beforehand what needs to be done in a negative way so every social situation is already a struggle because we set unrealistic expectations of ourself based on what we think others will say/think. Consequently after every social situation we engage in negative anaylsis of our performance.
So we need to set ourself realistic goals of what we can do. If thats only saying a simple 'hello' to someone thats fine, there's then no need for further anaylsis of how we are doing. We meet our goal of what we want to do and be happy about it!
If we have a meeting at work or are meeting a stranger and we start getting nervous, we remember what we set ourself beforehand. We only need to do whatever it is we set out to do.
If we start ourself off slowly keeping things as simple as possible, we find an extraordinary amount of freedom where we dont then need to engage in any further negative anaylsis of ourself.
Say your goal is just to say hello to one person everyday, stick to it and be happy that you can do this. Over time according to your capacity you increase your level and have an 'inner wealth of strength' or personal experience that you 'can do it'. So you up your game. This is how to build a strong basis of true inner self confidence which cannot be shaken by anyone elses actions.
It takes time, familiarity, and yet it's so simple.
Examples/other ideas/goals:
speak to x strangers per day
say 'hello' to x persons per day
tell x stories per day
stop thinking about SA/SP for x hours per day
be in a place with lots of people x per day
talk to someone for 5 seconds without going 'blank'
stop thinking 'others are thinking about me' for x hours
start conversation with everyone you meet
reveal something no-one knows about you to x persons a day/week
do something that always freaks you out or 'shakey' for a few minutes
The most important thing to remember in my experience is to complete what you set out to do, be happy with it, regardless of what else happens. Wipe the slate clean of your past negative memories and experiences and start off slowly then build up to a good a mental workout.
Jack
But how long could I maintain that? As soon as I got to where I was going(a lecture on something) and sat down, it fizzled out and my old more nervous and lesser confident ego bounced back.