spaceboy135
Well-known member
As I was driving around today turning in one job application and picking up another, I stopped by a hamburger place to go in and ask for one. On my way out, there was this strange, surreal feeling that struck me like lightning as I smiled and said "Excuse me" to a lady cleaning up the entry way window.
It seemed so easy at that moment to say that to her: 'Scuse me. (Smile.) I felt 5 years younger all of a sudden-- 5 years ago before I got social anxiety. The Michael who LOVES talking to strangers, loves talking to everybody. Like my brain showed me a photograph of my old people-loving confidence, and gave me a glimpse of how cool that used to feel.
So that just tells me that I'm still in there somewhere, and that this "new" personality-- the one that can't smile very much or make much eye contact or say a whole lot, the one that reads a ton and does a whole lot of solitary activities and spends a lot of time in my bedroom-- has done a pretty good job of even making mySELF forget who I am. But there's no need to fear, because I never left me. i'm still here. I'm just waiting till I overcome SA one way or another so I can come back out again and go Carpe Diem on the world to make up for the lost time.
I'm serious. I'd Carpe Diem life. I'd hop a train (before getting a job as a mechanical engineer, which I'm starting my final semester for tomorrow) and see where it takes me, and meet people and live with random strangers for indefinite periods of time, couch-surf-- I'd act in plays and build a party barn to play the fiddle in while family and friends dance, and write this play I've had growing in my mind for a few years now and have it premiere in there as well...
And... I'd write a book and dedicate it to you people, let you know that I know you through all the pain I experienced, and that I love you for your pain, because in that respect I know you very intimately, and that my heart reaches out for you. I'd do research on how the heck I overcame it (which I believe I will, even though I've experienced a setback lately that has practically dropped me back down to ground zero), and try to be a hero for you all. Because even if I failed in such a pursuit, a life attempted is a life not wasted.
It seemed so easy at that moment to say that to her: 'Scuse me. (Smile.) I felt 5 years younger all of a sudden-- 5 years ago before I got social anxiety. The Michael who LOVES talking to strangers, loves talking to everybody. Like my brain showed me a photograph of my old people-loving confidence, and gave me a glimpse of how cool that used to feel.
So that just tells me that I'm still in there somewhere, and that this "new" personality-- the one that can't smile very much or make much eye contact or say a whole lot, the one that reads a ton and does a whole lot of solitary activities and spends a lot of time in my bedroom-- has done a pretty good job of even making mySELF forget who I am. But there's no need to fear, because I never left me. i'm still here. I'm just waiting till I overcome SA one way or another so I can come back out again and go Carpe Diem on the world to make up for the lost time.
I'm serious. I'd Carpe Diem life. I'd hop a train (before getting a job as a mechanical engineer, which I'm starting my final semester for tomorrow) and see where it takes me, and meet people and live with random strangers for indefinite periods of time, couch-surf-- I'd act in plays and build a party barn to play the fiddle in while family and friends dance, and write this play I've had growing in my mind for a few years now and have it premiere in there as well...
And... I'd write a book and dedicate it to you people, let you know that I know you through all the pain I experienced, and that I love you for your pain, because in that respect I know you very intimately, and that my heart reaches out for you. I'd do research on how the heck I overcame it (which I believe I will, even though I've experienced a setback lately that has practically dropped me back down to ground zero), and try to be a hero for you all. Because even if I failed in such a pursuit, a life attempted is a life not wasted.
