Sixteen & Ruined.

[Sandywolf]

I've been a mess since 5th grade, I suppose. People always looked down on me, because I was different, because I was unique. I grew up in a different state than the one I am currently residing in, and when I moved here my life spiraled ever downward. That was six years ago, and I still feel like I'm forever being sucked into this gloom.
Some days I look into the mirror and flinch, because I'm just so... Revolting. I can't stand to look into my own eyes and claim them as my own. My mind has been tainted by the things people say, the way they look at me. Maybe it's all in my head, but I can't help but think that way. In 8th grade my 'depression' or whatever this is, reached it's crescendo. I wrote my will and made plans to end it all once and for all. I was tired of my father telling me I was worthless, tired of being shunned by the people I spent my days with, and tired of wallowing in self-pity. I used to stand by the road and watch the cars go by, wondering what it would feel like to throw myself in front of one. Once I stole a rope and stood in the rafters of a barn with it around my neck, imagining the reactions of the people I loved when they found out I'd gone through with my morbid fantasies.
But I was caught. A boy from school found my will and reported me. My parents were called to a meeting and everything changed from there. I thought I'd be okay, and for awhile I was. But then I found someone and was actually, truly, happy. But they weren't the best either... When I think back on it, I can't help but feel that I was a temporary medication for him. Something to numb the pains of life and the hurt he felt. And when he came upon a real medicine, a manufactured pill, I was cast aside and forgotten. Things went bleak again, and even though I've long since gotten over him, my life is still bleak. Some days, like today, I wish fervently for a real dad. Other days I wish for it all to end again.
On days like those, someone always sends me a sign. A simple, 'I love you' or a casual 'You're the greatest ever' lift me from the dread I feel. But I fear that one day it won't be enough, and I may do something drastic. I don't even feel safe in my own body anymore...

I just wanted to tell my story and get a bit off my chest. Please don't hate me >-<

 

[market.garden]

First of all no one here is going to hate you.

You say that some days you receive an "I love you", and that should count for something, and you should never forget those instances.

Things are hard right now for you but also take the time to remind yourself you are still so young. As bad as things feel right now, you still have a whole life ahead of you and whether you choose to try and shape it how you want or let things spiral downwards is up to you, but don't let it grind you down. 16 is an awkward time at best, and you never know what opportunities may come your way years from now, so if the present is difficult, focus on the future, and use that as a way of encouraging you to move forward.

 

[Exeunt]

You're not ruined, Sandy - just hurt and confused like the rest of us. I'd have to agree that "it's all in your head." Me, I think of the "it" as a malign force that must be fought. It's the source of all those negative thoughts, but it's not a part of you. Honestly, you're a great person... you just don't realize it. Yet.

 

[DarkSeeker]

Wow, that's really terrible. Terrible such a curious word.

Not to lash at you or anything, but I find it funny how you talk a lot about your father but don't say a word about your mother. Anyways, I'm a bloody mess too, and both my parents treated me like less than a dog my whole life. My mother and grand mother sexually abused me and my sociopathic father tried to turn me into a little perfectly obedient clone of himself, oh and also my mother brainwashed me into wanting to realize her own childhood dream because she's too much of a lazy coward to do it herself.

I wouldn't be too far from the truth if I said that I've never spoken to anyone in my life, which reminds me that first language is still a foreign language to me, and that despite having spent 19 years living fully immerse in it. I've spent my whole life living in fantasy land, sleeping life away locked up in a coffin at the bottom of some lake.

Oh, how many times I thought about ending it right there. Jumping off a building, or putting myself in front of car going at full speed, but you know what? I'm starting to think that there's no price for my dignity. I don't care if I have to end up in the street for it, but the greatest gift I'll ever give myself is to get rid of all these asholes who tried to and who are still trying to ruin my life, and literally walk over them. Just that gift is enough to make me happy, and that regardless of how low I sink. Don't let anybody walk over you like you were a doormat and get away with it, get smart, get strong and put them back in the trash can where they belong.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

No one hates you, believe me & you're not ruined at all. You're only 16, you have so much time to work on your life & make things better. I really believe family counseling would work for you because you obviously have some deep issues with your father & he needs to realize how much he's hurting you. I really hope you can find some help for yourself because now is the time to do it. It's better to work on yourself now, than to spend years getting worse & worse. I really hope things get better for you

 

[Sandywolf]

My moms been the only stable person in my life. Without her I'd have thrown myself away years ago.
Your story makes me sad :C I hope you get to show them what your made of some day.

 

[chained]

I've had fantasies to kill myself, I know how u feel..and I'm 17 now.. i think the worst part goes on around 16 - 17.. just hope its an adolescent thing.. are u seeing a therapist?
edit: my thing has be4en here since the 5th grade too.. so I dnt remember feeling normal, or happy, and rly doubt getting well..

 

[Dronee]

Hi Sandy, no one here will hate you. Hmm... you're going to have to eventually work out the deeper issues by yourself, but in the meantime, you might want to channel yourself into something positive. This is so that you can avoid the vicious cycle of thinking about your problems... These kind of thoughts have a life of their own and gets stronger the more you dwell on them.

I've had very dark moments myself and for myself at least, I found that one of the best things you can do is to have something to look forward to. Something positive, healthy, but above all, something that can give you that little bit to go on. I used to vent myself on sports, chess and later on maths and art and some other things as well. Reading, writing, watching a movie... I personally find learning something new like a new skill that excites me is the best.

You're sixteen with a whole life ahead of you. Wishing you all the best. Oh... and feel free to share if you want to. Like I said, no one here is going to hate you for being human.

 

[mrb]

no one hates anyone on this site lol iv read your story and my heart did go out to you .... a lot of good reponces here , your only young and all i can say is i hope your life gets better soon , your father saying your worthless pfft what kind of a father says that to his own daughter ... sounds like he has issues himself to deal with , so i wouldnt let him grind you down , take no notice of him , sorry i know hes your dad but it annoys me how people treat there kids sometimes , but your mother sounds nice , at least you have her eh welcome to the site lol , were all freinds on here ... wish i was your dad lol id take you out for a burger king double cheese burger large fries large coke :: you would have quite a belly ache after eating all that lot ....... ::