So Today In School I was Put into the Outgoing Group...

[Broken_Memory]

I have a LOT of mixed feelings about this. Here I shall tell you my story....

(some of you may recognize it from other social phobia sites, I just want to make sure I'm sharing my experience with as many SPs as possible!)

Last Friday we received our midterm marks for grade 12 English class. (I have put off taking English for 4 years- in fear of presentations and group work). Our teacher is absolutely amazing and seems to treat everyone equally. She doesn't call upon people when they don't want to participate. And she is REALLY funny. So far in class I've been working with a quiet group - we all sit at the back and keep our group assignments to minimal talking. I've mentioned to them that I have social phobia. One out of 4 responded, by saying he usually avoids talking to people.

Anyway, after receiving my midterm mark, I was very pleased and shocked - and the teacher told me I should sit in the front of the class and join one of the groups who sit at the front. (In this case, the more outgoing people). I have been observing them and they seem like people I'd never be friends with because I can't imagine myself relaxing around them. I've heard them talk about clubbing, and .. well, basically I feel like I live in a different world than they do. (Ah, being judgmental in my own way- to keep myself safe perhaps, if they dismiss me..?)


To my main point, today was my first day working with this new group. There are 2 boys, and 2 girls - one of which is a bit older than us because the high school I attend is for people 21 and older (or younger - like me- with exceptions). They started out so friendly and things were fine. But here's where I blow it. While doing our group work, we were answering comprehension questions for a Shakespeare play. I hadn't had a chance to really go through the reading (which I now really regret) thoroughly, and 3 people in the group had asked to have the questions ahead of the rest of the class. (They aren't over-achievers, I think they just want the teacher to think they're really studious. Its all an act and an overdone and infuriating one at that).

So, that leaves me with hardly anything to contribute, having not thoroughly gone through the reading, and not having pre-done the questions. One of the boys hadn't done the reading or the questions either, but he would talk about non-school things throughout, which I had no interest in. (Some things maybe, but I get very bitter about new people and ones I'm intimidated by). The other boy kept saying how quiet I was, and whenever I WOULD contribute, he'd interrupt me and say he couldn't hear me. I found the way he was talking to be patronizing and embarrassing. It wasn't the worst ever, but it certainly wasn't very pleasant.

I have come across many posts where people have mentioned that they hate it when others point out how quiet they are. Its awful! What do they think our response is going to be? How is it going to help? Thanks, put the spotlight on me, that'll make me speak.

Why, oh why, do people have to be so scary? *Hides in a cave*

This is why social phobia is so exhausting. My day went well, but I was rather upset and overwhelmed at working in a group of "intimidating" people. I left class, crying a bit for the next 20 minutes. I have to go back tomorrow, and I"m not really.... nervous, I guess I just wish I had more things to talk about. Or that people were more down to earth. It used to be easier to make friends when I found other people who were quiet too. Does anyone else ever find that there seems to be less and less quiet people to meet? I feel there are less and less humble/quiet people who I can relax around right away. I guess it makes the ones I DO meet who are, seem more special.

Anyone else have an experience, recent or not so recent about group work - school or workplace etc? And rants are more than welcome lol.

 

[Siren]

Oh yes, I feel your pain.

I've been told I need to talk more, I've been told (sarcastically) that I need to stop talking (they think they're so funny), I've been told I'm the quietest person someone's ever met, I've even been asked multiple times if I can talk at all.

And honestly, I'm the quietest person I know too. When I look around, it seems like everyone is always talking nonstop, where I am content to just sit back and observe; I go for hours and hours without saying a word. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a movie instead of actually being there.

But yes, I don't know why people think it's acceptable to point out people's "flaws" just because they are "different" in a way. It's so rude, and there is no good answer, I don't know what they want us to say. It does make one want to say, "Why do you talk so much?"

Silence seems to be so unacceptable in today's society, virtually everything is in favor of the most talkative, competative, and confident people, and we are either forgotten or relentlessly urged to join their outgoing lives. As if it were that easy.

I dislike working in groups also because I get my work done faster and better without others hovering around me, and planning my next social interaction taking up half my attention. I can so quickly dive back into my own head and forget the world, keeping part of my focus on a group is so distracting. Plus, unless they are friends, I always think they don't want me there because I'm no fun to talk to.

 

[Broken_Memory]

Oh yes, I feel your pain.

I've been told I need to talk more, I've been told (sarcastically) that I need to stop talking (they think they're so funny), I've been told I'm the quietest person someone's ever met, I've even been asked multiple times if I can talk at all.

And honestly, I'm the quietest person I know too. When I look around, it seems like everyone is always talking nonstop, where I am content to just sit back and observe; I go for hours and hours without saying a word. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a movie instead of actually being there.

But yes, I don't know why people think it's acceptable to point out people's "flaws" just because they are "different" in a way. It's so rude, and there is no good answer, I don't know what they want us to say. It does make one want to say, "Why do you talk so much?"

I was practically brought to tears when you said "...sit back and observe; I go for hours and hours without saying a word. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a movie instead of actually being there". That stands out to me because I always feel that way. Once I've left a social situation and I'm busy reflecting, I think "why do I feel so unreal? Am I even really here?" This is something that I've been noticing for over 2 years (I'm surprised I didn't notice it sooner, but I guess that was back when it was 'easy' to meet other shy people in school) and its extremely upsetting.

And indeed, when people say "Gosh, don't talk so much" and point out the lack of words a quiet one says, it DOES make one want to say "why do you talk so much?".

I've thought of this a lot, but one nice thing about my social phobia is its made me a more humble person and a VERY sensitive one. (sensitive proven with all the mention of tears here ha ha, ha). So when I was in the quiet group for the first half of the English course, I wouldn't say to the people who weren't saying much "Feel free to talk at any time" or "Why don't you talk?" because I KNOW what it feels like. Instead, over e-mail for an assignment I mentioned to the people in the quiet group that I have social phobia, and that if I ever appear quiet or anti-social that I'm not intending to be rude by doing so. By telling them this, I hoped to gain some understanding - I hoped that one of them would say that they are shy and have it too. Instead, they kept things short, and about the assignment only. The quiet group was... safe... but in terms of social exposure and overcoming social phobia, it was a laugh.

You know, I guess one of the worst things is that certain 'outgoing' people seem to have NO idea what its like to be shy. Like they've never met a shy person. They seem to treat it like its so... alien...

 

[Akira]

I absolutely dread these kinds of situations. I was sarcastically awarded "Most Talkative Boy" by my teachers on the last day of school, in front of all of my classmates, during both years of middle school (7th and 8th grade). I mean, I know they were trying to be funny, and maybe even trying to lighten me up, but if that's the case, it definitely backfired. Most of the kids didn't even get the joke, so I had to stand there feeling awkward, being stared at. Twice. And it really didn't help to hear some of the slower kids whisper, "What? Him? Why him?!"

And I hate it when people tell me they've never heard me talk before, especially when all of their friends are staring at me at the same time. And what frustrates me the most is how they don't even care about what I have to say in response, because if I say anything at all, they'll just interrupt me with an "OH MY GOD, HE TALKED!!" It used to happen all of the time, but I think I've become a bit more avoidant. There was one time when a girl told me she didn't think she had ever heard my voice before, and I said that I never really had anything to talk about. So later that semester, she told me the exact same thing. ...Thanks. Strangle you.. what? I think I'm done ranting now.

 

[Pyrophosphate]

For how common SA really is, I don't think there are enough people outside doctors and those who have it who even know what it is. If you tell someone you're depressed, they'll probably back off, but SA isn't so well known. If you tell someone you have it, they'll ask you to explain it, then they'll tell you to speak up halfway through. When you're done, they'll say they still don't get it, thus getting neither of you anywhere. At least that's how it goes for me... maybe you're different.

 

[Pyrophosphate]

For how common SA really is, I don't think there are enough people outside doctors and those who have it who even know what it is. If you tell someone you're depressed, they'll probably back off, but SA isn't so well known. If you tell someone you have it, they'll ask you to explain it, then they'll tell you to speak up halfway through. When you're done, they'll say they still don't get it, thus getting neither of you anywhere. At least that's how it goes for me... maybe you're different.

 

[Broken_Memory]

I absolutely dread these kinds of situations. I was sarcastically awarded "Most Talkative Boy" by my teachers on the last day of school, in front of all of my classmates, during both years of middle school (7th and 8th grade). I mean, I know they were trying to be funny, and maybe even trying to lighten me up, but if that's the case, it definitely backfired. Most of the kids didn't even get the joke, so I had to stand there feeling awkward, being stared at. Twice. And it really didn't help to hear some of the slower kids whisper, "What? Him? Why him?!"

And I hate it when people tell me they've never heard me talk before, especially when all of their friends are staring at me at the same time. And what frustrates me the most is how they don't even care about what I have to say in response, because if I say anything at all, they'll just interrupt me with an "OH MY GOD, HE TALKED!!" It used to happen all of the time, but I think I've become a bit more avoidant. There was one time when a girl told me she didn't think she had ever heard my voice before, and I said that I never really had anything to talk about. So later that semester, she told me the exact same thing. ...Thanks. Strangle you.. what? I think I'm done ranting now.

URRGH, I've definitely experienced most of that in the past. That grade 7/8 "most talkative boy" teacher thing sounds AWFUL. Its completely insensitive. When I read that people say things like "OH MY GOD, HE TALKED" I realized with a pang, that that boy in my group today (who kept asking me why I was so quiet, and asking me to repeat myself- GRR) said that as well, when I gave one of the girls in my group a page reference. Talking is... a big deal. People act like its so easy.

 

[Broken_Memory]

For how common SA really is, I don't think there are enough people outside doctors and those who have it who even know what it is. If you tell someone you're depressed, they'll probably back off, but SA isn't so well known. If you tell someone you have it, they'll ask you to explain it, then they'll tell you to speak up halfway through. When you're done, they'll say they still don't get it, thus getting neither of you anywhere. At least that's how it goes for me... maybe you're different.

Whenever I've told people I've gotten the following responses:



"I have a sister who is similar" and then they speak briefly of it but I end up doubting that its full social phobia.


or "you do? I'm quiet too. At school I don't speak to anyone in the halls" but then I watch and observe how they join in conversations once in a while during class and they don't seem all that quiet, just a little more reserved than others. I mean, in that they're not shouting and talking nonstop.


all of my friends (from a learning disabilities camp I used to attend with my sister) know about my social phobia and each of them have a certain social quality I can relate to. I've found such salvation in this group of friends.
Tomorrow I'm going to a support group after therapy. I'll... make a new post about that, I've been meaning to do so. (It would be my first official visit to the support group)

 

[wooaah]

oh man the people pointing out "why are you so quiet" thing. Thats just so true. And its even worse when they tell you to "say something, anything".

Its funny how its acceptable to tell people they're too quiet, but you can't just outright tell overly talkative people that they talk too much.

 

[Tab]

these people sound fucked

 

[Iseesky]

I've been told I need to talk more, I've been told (sarcastically) that I need to stop talking (they think they're so funny), I've been told I'm the quietest person someone's ever met, I've even been asked multiple times if I can talk at all.

I've gotten all four of those also. I hate the 'Geeze, you talk far too much! Ever think of shuttin up once in awhile?' one the most. I guess it's the same as having someone tell you you're quiet. Would you ever tell someone overweight that they're fat? No! Then why would you tell a quiet person they're quiet? Gah, I wish people would understand.

I do have experience of being in a group with louder people. It sucked. This was in Social studies and we were making a medieval town. We (or should I say they...) made up names for each other, and I got 'village mute.' Better than 'village idiot' I suppose, but not by much. This was in grade 8 also, so it kind of scarred me you could say

 

[Haven]

Its funny how its acceptable to tell people they're too quiet, but you can't just outright tell overly talkative people that they talk too much.

How infuriatingly true!

I was also voted "quietest in class" by the other kids at the end of grade five, and I remember the teacher's response was, "Oh, you should ask her if she's offended by that, first." Gee, a little late to worry about offending me at that point! But the thing that really got to me was, WHY is it considered potentially offensive to be quiet?

 

[toothpastekisses]

..................

 

[Ukazuto]

I absolutely dread these kinds of situations. I was sarcastically awarded "Most Talkative Boy" by my teachers on the last day of school, in front of all of my classmates, during both years of middle school (7th and 8th grade). I mean, I know they were trying to be funny, and maybe even trying to lighten me up, but if that's the case, it definitely backfired. Most of the kids didn't even get the joke, so I had to stand there feeling awkward, being stared at. Twice. And it really didn't help to hear some of the slower kids whisper, "What? Him? Why him?!"


You'r school has a most talkative award, geez that experience sounds terrifying. I'm really glad my school doesn't have it, I'm sure the same thing would happen to me...

 

[princess_haru]

Lol welcome to my world. The phrases I hate most are "it SPEAKS" and "always the quiet ones" (what does that even MEAN?). How degrading.

That second one infuriates me! Well, they both do, but especially that "it's always the quiet ones you've got to watch out for..." thing. It's like they're insinuating that just because we're quiet, we're somehow sinister and creepy! :evil:

There's a certain social stigma attached to being shy whereas loud idiots are just seen as "bubbly" and "fun".

Yep, it seems like shy people are generally seen as boring and uncool, whereas shouting, self-obsessed, attention-seeking types are admired... :?

 

[_Brittany_]

I feel you all!


I don't understand why people feel the need to ask those "quiet questions" (don't know what else to call it. lol) it's so pointless.

The phrases I hate most are "it SPEAKS" and "always the quiet ones" (what does that even MEAN?)

Yeah really, wtf does it mean anyways? I find it sooo degrading!!


:evil:

 

[yeksik]

thankfully i never got voted most talkative because every would of turned around and been like " who is that "