Gray
Member
Never know how to start off with these introduction posts, how to start and how to finish, specially when its your first post 
Anyway i will see if i can try and fit everything in that has been a cause for concern for me over my life and what not. I'll start with past few months, and then go back further to see if that works out how i want it too.
So, previously i used to work in a inbound Customer-Services centre, dealing with people over the phone. I worked there for 3 years before i finally had the guts to leave. Working there caused a lot of stress for me, before, during and after work. I left in November of 2007.
For 3 months after that [January-February 2008] i decided to stay off work because i wanted to get my bearings, and then once the time had expired, get a new job (Albeit, i didnt know where, what, when). Sadly it didnt turn out as i had planned, my mum was getting worried about me always staying in the house, plus the lack of income that i (wasnt) getting.
It was agreed to go to the doctors, and decide to put myself on the sick for "x" amount of months, because clearly something wasnt right. I wasnt confident, and i ended up shelling myself away from my family/mum. They recommended councilling, which i partook in 2 months ago.
I am still on the waiting list for Cognitive Therapy, i was expecting to be starting it now, but my doctor says it looks like the waiting list is quite extensive for that particular thing. Some things mentioned here, may or may not have been brought up with my previous councilling session, because of the time limit.
At the beginning of my life, i seemed to have a fairly normal childhood. I was by my parents that i was fairly confident, to which when i was at primary school, i took part in a book reading. My mum says after this reading (Which i did very well at) a lot of people where jealous, and bullying commenced shortly afterwards.
When i look through old photos, i noticed that i was slightly overweight (This was in the 80's-Early 90's) only ever so slightly though. However, this was enough to make me stand out among the other children at school, and so a lot of namecalling, and "violence" was brought onto me. Back then i wasnt really a fighter, i couldnt defend myself which made it somewhat worse.
Outside of school, i had friends, we would always play football or some other activity, so in fairness i would say i had a fairly average active lifestyle. Of course, the munches would always come in after this. Most of the time i never run into the bullies, only on a few occasions though. Sometimes i would actually play WITH them, but of course sometimes things could turn sour.
My brothers (Who are around 10 years older - I have 5 of them) would grow to resent me. Its not something that i KNEW, or would personally come out with now, or then, but thinking back i certainly feel a slight bit of jealousy may have crept in while i was growing up.
I say this because, when they was kids, they very rarely got what i got. Lots of toys, holidays (Around England/Scotland/Wales), more toys and gadgets. Toys was the big one, i always overheard comments on how i was spoilt rotten, but at that age -Who cares? But i certainly feel now that i have grown up, we have forgot about it, but sometimes the remarks may or may not be brought up.
As i was leaving primary school, in the last year everything was great. Sadly, i had somewhat of a lack of education, and my weight had got slightly worse. But i was at a school which i knew, and the kids there at that time did not bother me, so it was great.
Around this time (Maybe a few years prior) my dad was a very bad alcoholic, he would be in the pub all hours god sends with his brother and his nephew, who where also both bad alcoholics. His brother had no family living with him, whereas my dad and his Nephew both had families, and generally they was spent in the pub.
The nephews wife didnt seem to care (Or it was just a front) whereas my mum was angry. On some nights there would be insane shouting, dishes getting smashed and idle threats being thrown around. I somewhat grew upto it, and it was virtually all i knew, while at home.
My dad would stop drinking for some months, before resuming this at the request of brother and nephew. I at this time, and throughout the years started to gain more and more resentment for his brother and nephew. Of course, i had to put on a front as well to show i liked them (as to not upset my dad or cause any massive arguements of taking sides).
I stayed out with friends more and more, although, whereas nowadays you hear of people hanging around on street corners, or antagonising passers by, i was luckily in the generation that thought to respect the elders, and my time was playing outside, actively playing football. One night however, it was during the summer (So even in the evening it was sunny) i lost track of time.
I played with my friends, and it ended up being about 9:30 in the evening. I got home, and my dad went ballistic for me staying out so late. Never before have i seen him angry towards ME in that form, and to a point it did actually scare me into sense. However in this occuring, i ended up NOT going out in the evening at all to do the activities that i had previously done. I was certainly changed.
I left primary school and headed on into secondary school. The cruel circle of schooling started again, me being the young overweight boy. I was the only one from my primary school to actually go to this secondary school, so it was completely a new start for me. Bullying from the older and same-year boys continued, and i ended up staying in with the other guys down the pecking order.
I needlessly got into fights, defending myself against verbal taunts. Of course, i got beaten up quite bad because again, like primary school, i wasnt much of a fighter. My education was continually slipping. Last week i was cleaning out my room of junk, when i found a report card from when i was in secondary school.
The jist of it was that i was quiet, and did things on my own, however i would often "zone out" and day dream a lot. That sounded fairly accurate of me i thought. I was listening, but things weren't sticking. as the years progressed i ended up making friends with some of the old bullies. Again we would play football and things, however, the older bullies would continually take the ball (MY ball!) and launch it into the farm next to the school.
This happened several times (And i was stupid enough to continually shell out money to play, to be accepted). One day though, a bully liteally pushed me over the edge. I cracked. I went insane. He was one of the "lowly" bullies, who thought i was a target for him. Strangely enough, i wasnt. He seen me crack, and i seen the look of him when i seen me charging towards him. I chased him all around school while he was running like a girl. That showed him up, and bigged me up a bit.
I grew confident from that, and each time someone went to fight me - I fought back, i hit them harder. Eventually the bullies gave up, and didnt bother me anymore. From the age of 14-15, everything was great, albeit again, i was still overweight and lacking education.
At this point, around 1998, my parents decided to move away from where we was living. We was all still together, but we moved further away. I personally felt fine where we was, because i wasnt (obviously) being bothered anymore, i had a lot of memories, and friends from that house, but it was start to make a fresh start.
Sadly it didnt work out all that well, i wasnt completely settled into the house. I didnt let my parents know though. The arguments over alcohol continued to rage on, more plates/dishes being smashed. One night though, my dad finaly had enough, he grabbed my mum and "threw" her out of the house. That was the first time things ever started getting "physical".
I went with my mum, and we stayed at her sisters for the night. During the heated arguement my mum told my dad the dreaded "D" word. It was a word that struck fear into me. My parents would be getting a divorce. Thankfully the next day, things had calmed down. The divorce threat was recinded. My dad (Again) cut off the alcohol for sometime.
Unfortunately things dont last, and he started again with his brother and nephew. My hate towards them was growing phenominally. They where single handedly breaking my family apart, just to serve their lust for alcohol.
I finished school, my grades where not excellent, but i got a decent grade in IT, which was what i wanted. I wanted to be like one of my brothers, who worked on computers, building them etc. My intent was to go to college. To get an idea of college, i went during the summer to something classed as a "Summerschool".
I met a lot of new friends there, and i was more confident. There was a particular girl i liked, extremely good looking (WAY out of my league) yet we got on like a house on fire. I was never any good around girls, but i was definately confident with her. Shortly i will explain something i have missed out, but for now back to this. There was a group of about 6-7 of us, and we hung around all the time.
I even ventured into the pub on my own, although after doing through a life of what i felt was alcohol abuse, i did not drink any, merely coke, or whatever other beverages where there. We would just stay there for ages, playing pool and socialising.
During the period between Summerschool ending, and college starting, i had started to develope stronger feelings for a girl whom i knew previously, but did not talk to for near 2 years.
This girl lived around near where one of my other brothers used to live, across the road. At first i sort of didnt like her (Eww! Girls!) but there was one night which i remember particularly well. It was hallowe'en night, my brother had a house party to celebrate this and i stayed over. I evaded the actual party, and ended up talking to this girl outside her house.
We sat down by the curb, and spoke for a very very long time. My brother eventually called me in much to my dismay, so we never really got talking more in depth. Didnt really go down to my brothers much afterwards (Since he lived quite a distance, i would usually be dropped off).
When i went there the next time, i found out he had moved! I was gutted! I never thought i could stay and say goodbye to this girl, it happened so fast so i ended up losing out. Plus i didnt have the confidence to ask her out anyway, i was inexperienced. I left, gutted about potentially never seeing her again.
However after the summerschool, for some unknown reasons she popped into my mind, and i couldnt get her out again. Why? Why was this happening? What could i do? I was too shy to tell her outright how i felt about her. Then it clicked - Write her a letter. So i did! It was so much easier doing this, and everything was freeflowing (Much like it is doing this post). I left a contact number at the bottom, i posted it, and headed off.
Later that afternoon she phoned me. It worked! We met up, she brought her cousin though, that was fine though. We talked, walked around, then she introduced me to her boyfriend. My heart sunk. I stayed with them for a week or two (As in, casually meeting up) but it just wasnt what i wanted per-se. She was taken and i wasnt going to be jeopardising that (Pch, even if i could doubt it would have worked).
College started. And my luck was in! My brother (who i wanted to be like) was actually on the course too! While he had first hand experience, he didnt have the paperwork/qualifications. Things where looking great, however, about 3-4 weeks into the course, a big turn for the worst happened. It was a day like any other, i happened to bump into the girl who i kne from summerschool.
She said she had a bad night with someone last night, so we agreed w would meet up after college and talk about it. After college i headed down to the pub, however she wasnt there. Dont know why, but i decided to not stick around. I left and walked home.
As soon as i got in the phone rang. One of my brothers was involved in a road traffic accident. I wasnt worried, my brother who was involved in the accident was someone whom i always looked upto. He was built like a tank, and always did the right thing.
Moments later my dad arrived from work, i went out and told him (as he didnt know) the phone rang again. I answered and passed to my dad. A short conversation later, my dad hung up. Then the words which struck me hard "You know he was involved in an accident? (To which i nonchantly nodded). He then asked if i knew he had died. Shock instantly took over me, and i was frozen solid.
I ended up having nightmares for a few nights after "visiting" him in the hospital. My nightmares ended while i seen him at peace in the funeral home. I returned back to college and just got on with it.
Sadly i didnt learn much, there was too much theory and not enough practical so i left feeling disapointed. I even got refused at working at the lowend market of jobs, so i jacked in looking and got a place in a retail store. Around this time i started to get into PC games, the flavour of the month (Year) for me was Shootemups. Cuonterstrike, games like that.
I ended up partially addicted to them. No, i have no interest in killing people in real life, or guns, or anything! at this time i ended up finding an unlikely friend. Another girl, we became good friends, albeit, online friends. And friends was the limit.
I felt my confidence go up, and she was very supportive. It was thanks to her i decided to change my life around. I ended up going the gym, going for long walks. In a period of 6-7 months, i ended up losing around 7stone. And i felt great too.
Sadly, my friendship to her was cutshort because of an overzealous boyfriend who told her not to talk to me, i felt distraught over it and ended up hitting rock bottom. We made up eventually, but things werent the same, and we just ended up losing contact with each other completely. Things started on a decline from there.
My job, which was secure i was getting fed up of. They was starting to take me for a ride. I was a hard worker, i got on with my job, while others where abusing their power (ie, making me work, while they went off chatting). I ended up throwing a hissy fit in the middle of the shopfloor. They certainly paid attention to me then (although i think i might have scared them...)
Things calmed down from then, they got the message. However next we would be starting to get inundated with shoplifters. Even some i knew from school. I was sad to see they had become druggies and turned to a life of crime, but i wasnt going to have these guys stealing from MY shop.
I stood up to them. I was the only male working that day. I ended up getting surrounded by about 5-6 lifters, they was small though, so i could have easily (But wouldnt have) manhandled them for fear of all the weapon culture we have.
The Area manager did not care about this security issue though, they refused to add any measures to make the premises safer (Cameras, guards). Around this time, my dad suffered a mild heart attack. He was fine a few weeks later but it certainly put a stop to any and all alcohol he may have thought about consuming. He knew one more had the potential to finish him off.
One good thing did come from this though, the girl whom i liked back when i was young (Whom i wrote a letter too) happened to walk into my work shopping. I almost fell over. We talked, she said she had actually broke up with her boyfriend. She had a baby though. She gave me her address, and we just talked.
Me and her where (Still are) good friends, however shortly after us talking, i noticed an increased presence of her ex-boyfriend. I kind of stopped being the one doing the forward moving, i would rather her come to me if she needed something.
It took a while, but she did finally get into contact with me. To say she was pregnant again. They where back together, obviously, but we where still now good friends! But back to work..
I did end up taking advice from an old workmate who said ther was some customer service jobs on the phone going. I decided to take my chances and i did get a job there. The problem was, that a lot of my weaknesses where starting to be exposed.
I was strong on the system side of things, but my lack of social skills where having a damning impact on my worklife. I couldnt be sympathetic to the cause, and my maths wasnt strong. My basis was "To get the call ovr and done with, and hope to not get a complaint!" sadly a lot of the times complaints where hoarding through. I hated customers would not listen to me, even though my information was accurate on most occasions.
Just because it wasnt what they wanted to hear, they always wanted to get it from someone else. Many times i would end up having to stay after my shift, until late at night finishing the call, going back and too. In November of 2006 my dad was taken ill, it was unknown if he would be back fo Christmas.
Thankfully he was, and it was a Christmas i choose to remember. 2 weeks later my dad was taken ill at home. He couldnt breathe. He was a big man, and they couldnt get him in an Ambulance wheelchair/stretcher. I was in bed at the time, but i woke up due to the commotion.
I looked out the window and seen my dad walking to the ambulance. he was struggling walking. I felt sorry for him. 2 days later, i finished work, got home. Shortly after a phonecall come through to say to get to the hospital as soon as possible, as he has taken a "funny turn". We arrived at the hospital about 15min later, sadly however they said he passed away moments earlier.
I was slightly expecting it, but hearing it still stunned me. Grief did not hit me though. I took a few weeks off work, but it didnt really help much. Upon my return, i ended up staying for a further 2months. My manager wasnt happy with my performances, to which i just said "i give up!" and walked out. I sat in my car was 10minutes, before i ended up having a large panic attack.
I thought i was dying, alone in my car. Having a heartattack or something. I managed to phone my manager who came to help, by that time i had calmed down though. They gave me a few month off and signed me off to a councillor.
I specifically asked for a woman though, as i can talk and be open to them (as has been proven for me) and someone who lived local. Sadly, they didnt respect those wishes and i ended up getting a man who worked about 20mile away (ala, not local...)
I didnt enjoy it though. I talked, but i didnt feel open about it. I come back to work slightly refreshed, but again, the customers where pushing me and i was getting stressed again. One night, i decided to hell with it. I got a notepad and made a list of my "Likes and Dislikes" of working there.
The dislikes half completely trounced the likes half. The next day i handed in my notice, my mind was clear. I didnt want to "screw them over" so i worked my 4 weeks, however i only lasted 2, because the HR team where getting snotty.
I gave myself a few months off, but in that time i started to get worse. I wouldnt answer the housephone, i wouldnt go out. I wouldnt see family. My life, my day, my night was literally spent in my bedroom on the computer. Playing World of Warcraft (An online Multiplayer game) I have played this game for 3 years, the addiction to it has become massive.
I rarely have a relationship with my mum, i in the lateral sense dont talk to her. I usually give small replies. I will listen, but wont respond. I will talk to my brothers, but i wont visit them. I havent visited my brothers in near 2 years or so.
When i do go out (Shopping, or something) i feel slightly anxious, buying things, waiting in queues. Usully i will go out driving, but i wont generally walk around. I have generally become a recluse to my own life, only "socialising" via the computer or via text messages.
Talking on the phone feels so foreign to me, i never know what to say. I havent been out down the pub or what not for about 2 years. That was during a works Christmas nightout.
World of Warcraft, until recently i didnt feel it WAS a major problem. But now i am noticing that it is. I will wake up, go onto the computer, stay in my room for <12hours.
I would get another job, but sadly, i dont know what i want. My life has been so secluded that i dont think i know what i want. My computing course was 6-8 years ago. First it became a job interest, then an interest, before being a hobby. Now it isnt even that.
My doctor who was concerned, signed me upto a councillor. They DID listen to me, and set me up with a woman who was local. I WAS comfortable, and i was able to talk. It was decided to set me upto the Cognitive Therapy.
That was 2 months ago, apparently the waiting list is quite big. But i really dont know how it is expected to work for me personally. A lot of people have said it has helped them greatly. But with "me" being "me" i just have a hint of insecurity about it...
Been here about 3hours writing this out, but thats pretty much the life story. Or at least that much which i can think which i can fit in!
Not entirely sure as to the reasoning of doing this now, since i spent so long thinking about it. Oh, one final thing. I have never taken drugs. Even now i refused anything because theyre not really for me.
Thanks!
Anyway i will see if i can try and fit everything in that has been a cause for concern for me over my life and what not. I'll start with past few months, and then go back further to see if that works out how i want it too.
So, previously i used to work in a inbound Customer-Services centre, dealing with people over the phone. I worked there for 3 years before i finally had the guts to leave. Working there caused a lot of stress for me, before, during and after work. I left in November of 2007.
For 3 months after that [January-February 2008] i decided to stay off work because i wanted to get my bearings, and then once the time had expired, get a new job (Albeit, i didnt know where, what, when). Sadly it didnt turn out as i had planned, my mum was getting worried about me always staying in the house, plus the lack of income that i (wasnt) getting.
It was agreed to go to the doctors, and decide to put myself on the sick for "x" amount of months, because clearly something wasnt right. I wasnt confident, and i ended up shelling myself away from my family/mum. They recommended councilling, which i partook in 2 months ago.
I am still on the waiting list for Cognitive Therapy, i was expecting to be starting it now, but my doctor says it looks like the waiting list is quite extensive for that particular thing. Some things mentioned here, may or may not have been brought up with my previous councilling session, because of the time limit.
At the beginning of my life, i seemed to have a fairly normal childhood. I was by my parents that i was fairly confident, to which when i was at primary school, i took part in a book reading. My mum says after this reading (Which i did very well at) a lot of people where jealous, and bullying commenced shortly afterwards.
When i look through old photos, i noticed that i was slightly overweight (This was in the 80's-Early 90's) only ever so slightly though. However, this was enough to make me stand out among the other children at school, and so a lot of namecalling, and "violence" was brought onto me. Back then i wasnt really a fighter, i couldnt defend myself which made it somewhat worse.
Outside of school, i had friends, we would always play football or some other activity, so in fairness i would say i had a fairly average active lifestyle. Of course, the munches would always come in after this. Most of the time i never run into the bullies, only on a few occasions though. Sometimes i would actually play WITH them, but of course sometimes things could turn sour.
My brothers (Who are around 10 years older - I have 5 of them) would grow to resent me. Its not something that i KNEW, or would personally come out with now, or then, but thinking back i certainly feel a slight bit of jealousy may have crept in while i was growing up.
I say this because, when they was kids, they very rarely got what i got. Lots of toys, holidays (Around England/Scotland/Wales), more toys and gadgets. Toys was the big one, i always overheard comments on how i was spoilt rotten, but at that age -Who cares? But i certainly feel now that i have grown up, we have forgot about it, but sometimes the remarks may or may not be brought up.
As i was leaving primary school, in the last year everything was great. Sadly, i had somewhat of a lack of education, and my weight had got slightly worse. But i was at a school which i knew, and the kids there at that time did not bother me, so it was great.
Around this time (Maybe a few years prior) my dad was a very bad alcoholic, he would be in the pub all hours god sends with his brother and his nephew, who where also both bad alcoholics. His brother had no family living with him, whereas my dad and his Nephew both had families, and generally they was spent in the pub.
The nephews wife didnt seem to care (Or it was just a front) whereas my mum was angry. On some nights there would be insane shouting, dishes getting smashed and idle threats being thrown around. I somewhat grew upto it, and it was virtually all i knew, while at home.
My dad would stop drinking for some months, before resuming this at the request of brother and nephew. I at this time, and throughout the years started to gain more and more resentment for his brother and nephew. Of course, i had to put on a front as well to show i liked them (as to not upset my dad or cause any massive arguements of taking sides).
I stayed out with friends more and more, although, whereas nowadays you hear of people hanging around on street corners, or antagonising passers by, i was luckily in the generation that thought to respect the elders, and my time was playing outside, actively playing football. One night however, it was during the summer (So even in the evening it was sunny) i lost track of time.
I played with my friends, and it ended up being about 9:30 in the evening. I got home, and my dad went ballistic for me staying out so late. Never before have i seen him angry towards ME in that form, and to a point it did actually scare me into sense. However in this occuring, i ended up NOT going out in the evening at all to do the activities that i had previously done. I was certainly changed.
I left primary school and headed on into secondary school. The cruel circle of schooling started again, me being the young overweight boy. I was the only one from my primary school to actually go to this secondary school, so it was completely a new start for me. Bullying from the older and same-year boys continued, and i ended up staying in with the other guys down the pecking order.
I needlessly got into fights, defending myself against verbal taunts. Of course, i got beaten up quite bad because again, like primary school, i wasnt much of a fighter. My education was continually slipping. Last week i was cleaning out my room of junk, when i found a report card from when i was in secondary school.
The jist of it was that i was quiet, and did things on my own, however i would often "zone out" and day dream a lot. That sounded fairly accurate of me i thought. I was listening, but things weren't sticking. as the years progressed i ended up making friends with some of the old bullies. Again we would play football and things, however, the older bullies would continually take the ball (MY ball!) and launch it into the farm next to the school.
This happened several times (And i was stupid enough to continually shell out money to play, to be accepted). One day though, a bully liteally pushed me over the edge. I cracked. I went insane. He was one of the "lowly" bullies, who thought i was a target for him. Strangely enough, i wasnt. He seen me crack, and i seen the look of him when i seen me charging towards him. I chased him all around school while he was running like a girl. That showed him up, and bigged me up a bit.
I grew confident from that, and each time someone went to fight me - I fought back, i hit them harder. Eventually the bullies gave up, and didnt bother me anymore. From the age of 14-15, everything was great, albeit again, i was still overweight and lacking education.
At this point, around 1998, my parents decided to move away from where we was living. We was all still together, but we moved further away. I personally felt fine where we was, because i wasnt (obviously) being bothered anymore, i had a lot of memories, and friends from that house, but it was start to make a fresh start.
Sadly it didnt work out all that well, i wasnt completely settled into the house. I didnt let my parents know though. The arguments over alcohol continued to rage on, more plates/dishes being smashed. One night though, my dad finaly had enough, he grabbed my mum and "threw" her out of the house. That was the first time things ever started getting "physical".
I went with my mum, and we stayed at her sisters for the night. During the heated arguement my mum told my dad the dreaded "D" word. It was a word that struck fear into me. My parents would be getting a divorce. Thankfully the next day, things had calmed down. The divorce threat was recinded. My dad (Again) cut off the alcohol for sometime.
Unfortunately things dont last, and he started again with his brother and nephew. My hate towards them was growing phenominally. They where single handedly breaking my family apart, just to serve their lust for alcohol.
I finished school, my grades where not excellent, but i got a decent grade in IT, which was what i wanted. I wanted to be like one of my brothers, who worked on computers, building them etc. My intent was to go to college. To get an idea of college, i went during the summer to something classed as a "Summerschool".
I met a lot of new friends there, and i was more confident. There was a particular girl i liked, extremely good looking (WAY out of my league) yet we got on like a house on fire. I was never any good around girls, but i was definately confident with her. Shortly i will explain something i have missed out, but for now back to this. There was a group of about 6-7 of us, and we hung around all the time.
I even ventured into the pub on my own, although after doing through a life of what i felt was alcohol abuse, i did not drink any, merely coke, or whatever other beverages where there. We would just stay there for ages, playing pool and socialising.
During the period between Summerschool ending, and college starting, i had started to develope stronger feelings for a girl whom i knew previously, but did not talk to for near 2 years.
This girl lived around near where one of my other brothers used to live, across the road. At first i sort of didnt like her (Eww! Girls!) but there was one night which i remember particularly well. It was hallowe'en night, my brother had a house party to celebrate this and i stayed over. I evaded the actual party, and ended up talking to this girl outside her house.
We sat down by the curb, and spoke for a very very long time. My brother eventually called me in much to my dismay, so we never really got talking more in depth. Didnt really go down to my brothers much afterwards (Since he lived quite a distance, i would usually be dropped off).
When i went there the next time, i found out he had moved! I was gutted! I never thought i could stay and say goodbye to this girl, it happened so fast so i ended up losing out. Plus i didnt have the confidence to ask her out anyway, i was inexperienced. I left, gutted about potentially never seeing her again.
However after the summerschool, for some unknown reasons she popped into my mind, and i couldnt get her out again. Why? Why was this happening? What could i do? I was too shy to tell her outright how i felt about her. Then it clicked - Write her a letter. So i did! It was so much easier doing this, and everything was freeflowing (Much like it is doing this post). I left a contact number at the bottom, i posted it, and headed off.
Later that afternoon she phoned me. It worked! We met up, she brought her cousin though, that was fine though. We talked, walked around, then she introduced me to her boyfriend. My heart sunk. I stayed with them for a week or two (As in, casually meeting up) but it just wasnt what i wanted per-se. She was taken and i wasnt going to be jeopardising that (Pch, even if i could doubt it would have worked
).College started. And my luck was in! My brother (who i wanted to be like) was actually on the course too! While he had first hand experience, he didnt have the paperwork/qualifications. Things where looking great, however, about 3-4 weeks into the course, a big turn for the worst happened. It was a day like any other, i happened to bump into the girl who i kne from summerschool.
She said she had a bad night with someone last night, so we agreed w would meet up after college and talk about it. After college i headed down to the pub, however she wasnt there. Dont know why, but i decided to not stick around. I left and walked home.
As soon as i got in the phone rang. One of my brothers was involved in a road traffic accident. I wasnt worried, my brother who was involved in the accident was someone whom i always looked upto. He was built like a tank, and always did the right thing.
Moments later my dad arrived from work, i went out and told him (as he didnt know) the phone rang again. I answered and passed to my dad. A short conversation later, my dad hung up. Then the words which struck me hard "You know he was involved in an accident? (To which i nonchantly nodded). He then asked if i knew he had died. Shock instantly took over me, and i was frozen solid.
I ended up having nightmares for a few nights after "visiting" him in the hospital. My nightmares ended while i seen him at peace in the funeral home. I returned back to college and just got on with it.
Sadly i didnt learn much, there was too much theory and not enough practical so i left feeling disapointed. I even got refused at working at the lowend market of jobs, so i jacked in looking and got a place in a retail store. Around this time i started to get into PC games, the flavour of the month (Year) for me was Shootemups. Cuonterstrike, games like that.
I ended up partially addicted to them. No, i have no interest in killing people in real life, or guns, or anything! at this time i ended up finding an unlikely friend. Another girl, we became good friends, albeit, online friends. And friends was the limit.
I felt my confidence go up, and she was very supportive. It was thanks to her i decided to change my life around. I ended up going the gym, going for long walks. In a period of 6-7 months, i ended up losing around 7stone. And i felt great too.
Sadly, my friendship to her was cutshort because of an overzealous boyfriend who told her not to talk to me, i felt distraught over it and ended up hitting rock bottom. We made up eventually, but things werent the same, and we just ended up losing contact with each other completely. Things started on a decline from there.
My job, which was secure i was getting fed up of. They was starting to take me for a ride. I was a hard worker, i got on with my job, while others where abusing their power (ie, making me work, while they went off chatting). I ended up throwing a hissy fit in the middle of the shopfloor. They certainly paid attention to me then (although i think i might have scared them...)
Things calmed down from then, they got the message. However next we would be starting to get inundated with shoplifters. Even some i knew from school. I was sad to see they had become druggies and turned to a life of crime, but i wasnt going to have these guys stealing from MY shop.
I stood up to them. I was the only male working that day. I ended up getting surrounded by about 5-6 lifters, they was small though, so i could have easily (But wouldnt have) manhandled them for fear of all the weapon culture we have.
The Area manager did not care about this security issue though, they refused to add any measures to make the premises safer (Cameras, guards). Around this time, my dad suffered a mild heart attack. He was fine a few weeks later but it certainly put a stop to any and all alcohol he may have thought about consuming. He knew one more had the potential to finish him off.
One good thing did come from this though, the girl whom i liked back when i was young (Whom i wrote a letter too) happened to walk into my work shopping. I almost fell over. We talked, she said she had actually broke up with her boyfriend. She had a baby though. She gave me her address, and we just talked.
Me and her where (Still are) good friends, however shortly after us talking, i noticed an increased presence of her ex-boyfriend. I kind of stopped being the one doing the forward moving, i would rather her come to me if she needed something.
It took a while, but she did finally get into contact with me. To say she was pregnant again
. They where back together, obviously, but we where still now good friends! But back to work..I did end up taking advice from an old workmate who said ther was some customer service jobs on the phone going. I decided to take my chances and i did get a job there. The problem was, that a lot of my weaknesses where starting to be exposed.
I was strong on the system side of things, but my lack of social skills where having a damning impact on my worklife. I couldnt be sympathetic to the cause, and my maths wasnt strong. My basis was "To get the call ovr and done with, and hope to not get a complaint!" sadly a lot of the times complaints where hoarding through. I hated customers would not listen to me, even though my information was accurate on most occasions.
Just because it wasnt what they wanted to hear, they always wanted to get it from someone else. Many times i would end up having to stay after my shift, until late at night finishing the call, going back and too. In November of 2006 my dad was taken ill, it was unknown if he would be back fo Christmas.
Thankfully he was, and it was a Christmas i choose to remember. 2 weeks later my dad was taken ill at home. He couldnt breathe. He was a big man, and they couldnt get him in an Ambulance wheelchair/stretcher. I was in bed at the time, but i woke up due to the commotion.
I looked out the window and seen my dad walking to the ambulance. he was struggling walking. I felt sorry for him. 2 days later, i finished work, got home. Shortly after a phonecall come through to say to get to the hospital as soon as possible, as he has taken a "funny turn". We arrived at the hospital about 15min later, sadly however they said he passed away moments earlier.
I was slightly expecting it, but hearing it still stunned me. Grief did not hit me though. I took a few weeks off work, but it didnt really help much. Upon my return, i ended up staying for a further 2months. My manager wasnt happy with my performances, to which i just said "i give up!" and walked out. I sat in my car was 10minutes, before i ended up having a large panic attack.
I thought i was dying, alone in my car. Having a heartattack or something. I managed to phone my manager who came to help, by that time i had calmed down though. They gave me a few month off and signed me off to a councillor.
I specifically asked for a woman though, as i can talk and be open to them (as has been proven for me) and someone who lived local. Sadly, they didnt respect those wishes and i ended up getting a man who worked about 20mile away (ala, not local...)
I didnt enjoy it though. I talked, but i didnt feel open about it. I come back to work slightly refreshed, but again, the customers where pushing me and i was getting stressed again. One night, i decided to hell with it. I got a notepad and made a list of my "Likes and Dislikes" of working there.
The dislikes half completely trounced the likes half. The next day i handed in my notice, my mind was clear. I didnt want to "screw them over" so i worked my 4 weeks, however i only lasted 2, because the HR team where getting snotty.
I gave myself a few months off, but in that time i started to get worse. I wouldnt answer the housephone, i wouldnt go out. I wouldnt see family. My life, my day, my night was literally spent in my bedroom on the computer. Playing World of Warcraft (An online Multiplayer game) I have played this game for 3 years, the addiction to it has become massive.
I rarely have a relationship with my mum, i in the lateral sense dont talk to her. I usually give small replies. I will listen, but wont respond. I will talk to my brothers, but i wont visit them. I havent visited my brothers in near 2 years or so.
When i do go out (Shopping, or something) i feel slightly anxious, buying things, waiting in queues. Usully i will go out driving, but i wont generally walk around. I have generally become a recluse to my own life, only "socialising" via the computer or via text messages.
Talking on the phone feels so foreign to me, i never know what to say. I havent been out down the pub or what not for about 2 years. That was during a works Christmas nightout.
World of Warcraft, until recently i didnt feel it WAS a major problem. But now i am noticing that it is. I will wake up, go onto the computer, stay in my room for <12hours.
I would get another job, but sadly, i dont know what i want. My life has been so secluded that i dont think i know what i want. My computing course was 6-8 years ago. First it became a job interest, then an interest, before being a hobby. Now it isnt even that.
My doctor who was concerned, signed me upto a councillor. They DID listen to me, and set me up with a woman who was local. I WAS comfortable, and i was able to talk. It was decided to set me upto the Cognitive Therapy.
That was 2 months ago, apparently the waiting list is quite big. But i really dont know how it is expected to work for me personally. A lot of people have said it has helped them greatly. But with "me" being "me" i just have a hint of insecurity about it...
Been here about 3hours writing this out, but thats pretty much the life story. Or at least that much which i can think which i can fit in!
Not entirely sure as to the reasoning of doing this now, since i spent so long thinking about it. Oh, one final thing. I have never taken drugs. Even now i refused anything because theyre not really for me.
Thanks!
