Social Touching

[SomeGuy]

Social touching, like hugging, is hard for me. Not because I don't want it but because I want it so much. Some women hug hello and goodbye and its beautiful that they do. But when that is your only physical contact, it is hard to be casual about it. I'm scared of letting show that it is a big deal to me. In fact, I think I'd rather not do it. It is always depressing afterwards. I am always struck by
1. Guilt. It was just a social hug and I'm taking more from it than the woman intended to offer. I feel like I'm tricking her.
2. The sadness of knowing that the hug goodbye that I looked forward to all evening meant nothing at all to her. This chasm can even ruin the hug itself. I'm so aware of the physical closeness - this is the closest I will ever get to having a relationship and it means a lot to me. But I know even for that brief second that she has her arms around me that it means absolutely nothing at all to her. It is like sneaking into a department store at night and hugging the maniquins - it doesn't matter what emotions well up in you, it is all just pretend.

Some people, especially women, casually touch during a conversation. I want to do that so bad but I stay a million miles away from women instead because I'm scared that I'll touch them inappropriately (not inappropriate as in grab their private parts - inappropriate as in be too touch-feely).

 

[racheH]

Some people, especially women, casually touch during a conversation. I want to do that so bad but I stay a million miles away from women instead because I'm scared that I'll touch them inappropriately (not inappropriate as in grab their private parts - inappropriate as in be too touch-feely).

If affection is something you so badly want from a relationship, then some women thinking you're being too touchy-feely should just be a helpful sign that you aren't suited to them. Some women are paranoid about the intentions of demonstrative men, but these probably would be no great loss to you anyway. Personally I find sensitive males who freely express emotion very appealing and I doubt I’m the only one. Allowing fear to suppress any part of your personality makes all kinds of relationships feel false and empty eventually because you know however they feel isn’t really for you, it’s a feeling about the image you’re forced to portray. I’d rather someone hate me for who I am than accept me for something I’m not, which has happened many times. Heck, I feel so strongly about that that I even made my signature about it! :roll:
Good luck in finding someone who's right for you; there's no need to settle for anything less.

~racheh, sending cyber-hugs to anyone who wants them

 

[SomeGuy]

If affection is something you so badly want from a relationship, then some women thinking you're being too touchy-feely should just be a helpful sign that you aren't suited to them.

Racheh, your post is very kind but I didn't make myself clear. I'm not talking about hugging dates. Frankly, I don't go out on dates. I'm talking about something a little more pathetic. I'm talking about social touching in normal social situations. These aren't the hugs of women looking on me as a potential romantic partner - these are the hugs of women engaging in a polite farewell ritual.

Thanks though.

 

[MadCat]

I'm a bit more pathetic than that. I can't allowed myself to be touched at all from a female, even if it's being brushed by when they walk past. The emotions that pump out are so great that...well...arghhhhh

I could never bring myself to initiate a touching, let alone hugging.

 

[racheH]

I'm talking about social touching in normal social situations. These aren't the hugs of women looking on me as a potential romantic partner - these are the hugs of women engaging in a polite farewell ritual.

Oh I get it... I thought you meant all kind of touching but that it was the dating part that was bugging you. Same principle applies really: everyone is bound to be disapproved of for some reason by somebody at some point in their lives and some of us develop phobias about it, but it's less painful in the long-run if you can take the risk of interacting just as is natural to you, as we're also bound to find people who like us as we are.

Have you tried explaining these feelings to the women you know? Most women seem to experience some form of insecurity, and maybe you'd be surprised how understanding people can be. Or even - I don't know how realistic this is - if you've got anyone you feel pretty close to or comfortable with, whenever you're feeling in special need of physical contact you could ask for support and if they see you're upset most people will initiate some kind of physical reassurance; women might not even be aware of doing it. Perhaps that'd help get you used to it and view contact more casually. I'm another person who finds a hug or a squeeze on the arm very comforting and have often wanted more, but again only if I'm not scared of being judged for something silly, like standing oddly or people seeing I'm self-conscious. Luckily I'm close to my mum and not ashamed to admit that I still need a hug from her every now and then :lol:

Hope I'm helping... trying to see it from a man's point of view makes it harder :? I reckon you have a tougher deal when it comes to freely expressing emotion, especially through body language.

 

[SomeGuy]

Have you tried explaining these feelings to the women you know? Most women seem to experience some form of insecurity, and maybe you'd be surprised how understanding people can be.

I haven't tried that. If I do, then I'm scared they will be uncomfortable in hugging situations. Heck, if a woman said that to me, I'd be uncomfortable hugging her. I wouldn't blame them if they stopped being willing to hug me - which makes me look really weird if everyone else is getting hugged. I'm already only marginally socially acceptable - I think if I become a burden in some way I will be very quickly removed from the social picture. These woman aren't my friends, just social contacts.

I'm sorry to be so negative - I know that you are just trying to help me.

Or even - I don't know how realistic this is - if you've got anyone you feel pretty close to or comfortable with,

Sorry, there isn't anyone. I have two friends in the world, but they live hundreds of miles away and they are both male.

Luckily I'm close to my mum and not ashamed to admit that I still need a hug from her every now and then :lol:

I am glad for you. You shoulnd't be ashamed. However, I live on the other side of the world from my mum. It is a shame - unlike most people, I actually like my mum and dad (I mean that most people don't like their mum and dad, not that most people don't like mine!).

Hope I'm helping... trying to see it from a man's point of view makes it harder :? I reckon you have a tougher deal when it comes to freely expressing emotion, especially through body language.

Not having been a woman, I'm not sure. I do notice women doing all kinds of things that I would never do for fear of being invasive. I see woman do things like touch someone on the elbow when they are talking to them. I would never touch a woman on the elbow like that in a million years and I think it is liable to be taken badly if I did.

 

[JWH]

I find I have trouble comforting people, or showing sympathy. When people are in physical pain I sometimes laugh even! It's not that anything is actually amusing me, but it's a nervous reaction.

I'm getting better at the social hugging and cheek kissing thing, though I will never do it of my own initiative.

 

[Fredscars]

it depends who i am with (im a girl). If i am with people i have known through other occaisons and am friendly with then yeh ill touch them occasionally..but if i dont know the person well, or have never met them before then i would not hug them, wouldnt even DREAM of touvhing them. The idea is..repulsive..because i havent got a right to touch that person, and like you said ^^ at the start of the topic, what if it was interpreted wrong?
Physical touch need only be shared between those closerto each other.
these women hugging you should be seen as a compliment as if they didnt like you (im talking friend not dating material, although some might think that, i dont know :wink: ) they certainly wouldnt hug you.

 

[ConfidenceClub]

SomeGuy,

I recognise what you're describing from some of my hypnotherapy clients. Social anxiety can drive sufferers away from the very thing they need, and it creates a kind of feedback loop - 'normal' social / physical contact becomes a bigger deal for the socially anxious, which in turn stiffens up their social responses, which makes such contact even more of a big deal. And on it goes.

People of both sexes respond well to touching from a person of either sex, as long as it's done 'naturally'. I used to work with a guy who touched people's arms all day. He was the most popular person in the office! He also used a lot of verbal stroking - asking people how they were, expressing sympathy, paying compliments.

If I could be so bold as to offer advice, I'd suggest working on verbal stroking first, and progressing to physical touch when you're comfortable with the verbal stuff. You really can't be too positive. Tell people how good they look, how much you enjoyed their presentation, ask how their kids are, let yourself empathise as far as you feel able. Never stop asking people about themselves. You can touch a person in many different ways.

When you are totally comfortable with verbal stroking, that is the time to experiment with the physical stuff.

 

[SomeGuy]

And on it goes.

That sounds exactly right to me.

If I could be so bold as to offer advice, I'd suggest working on verbal stroking first, and progressing to physical touch when you're comfortable with the verbal stuff.

Actually, I verbally stroke people a lot. It has been commented on numerous times. I'm not sure what I'm doing it right though. People don't stroke me back much. Maybe I come accross as too pathetic or like I am sucking up.

Never stop asking people about themselves.

I always do that. I keep hoping they will ask back about me, but they don't. I wonder if I am invasive.

What I do works with kids, but kids are pretty grateful for any attention from an adult.

 

[LilMissTragic]

I really hate being touched by people. I love all contact with my fiance and am very loving and huggy towards my mum but I really can't tolerate being touched by anyone else. Last time an old friend of mine tried to hug me I automatically raised my fists in defence. Nothing has provoked that reaction, what i mean to say is I was brought up with a lot of love and hugs and stuff so have no idea why I hate it so much now.

 

[thatshydude]

For me, I'm adabtable.

If the other dude does a hi-5, I do a hi-5, if it's a handshake, I do a handshake, if it's handshake and hug, I do a handshake and a hug, if it's a pound, I do a pound.

If some chick looks like she wants to hug me, I'll hug her. By "looks like she wants to hug me", I mean she's motioning her arms in such a fashion. Sometimes, if she's from a certain place (for example Latin America), she'll turn her neck and put her cheek (not that cheek) towards me, and I'll kiss her.

The thing is, I never take the initiative in those situations. Usually, I just nod and say "Yo", so it comes off as a little standoffish.

 

[beautiful_soul]

I like hugs but I don't give hugs ...often ?





awwwww

 

[black_mamba]

For me, I'm adabtable.

If the other dude does a hi-5, I do a hi-5, if it's a handshake, I do a handshake, if it's handshake and hug, I do a handshake and a hug, if it's a pound, I do a pound.

If some chick looks like she wants to hug me, I'll hug her. By "looks like she wants to hug me", I mean she's motioning her arms in such a fashion. Sometimes, if she's from a certain place (for example Latin America), she'll turn her neck and put her cheek (not that cheek) towards me, and I'll kiss her.

Hehe I like this, I do it too. But I can't imagine not adapting. I mean, although my social phobia is sometimes misunderstood as rudenss, I would never be so rude as to not shake someone hand when they offered it. The kissy kissy thing I hate; never know if I'm supposed to actually kiss them or not. 8O

I see woman do things like touch someone on the elbow when they are talking to them. I would never touch a woman on the elbow like that in a million years and I think it is liable to be taken badly if I did.

I think there needs to be a good level of closeness for this to happen, and some women feel close to each other just because they happen to be women. I know this because I'm not one of these, and I don't get people casually touching me - I give off warning vibes I think. :twisted:

 

[SilverLiner]

I always used to worry about hugging people. It's the whole under arm or over arm thing that worried me, lol. Some people have a tendancy to hug under your arms, some people do it over arm and some do like a mix of both (usually a lads sort of hug). My anticipation of wondering what kind of hug it would be made it much more awkward and less natural. Sometimes I'd start thinking 'well she's taller than me so she'll hug over my arms' and then it just goes all wrong. And then sometimes I worry wether they're leaning in for a hug or a kiss. I can't tell you the amount of times I've guessed it wrong; they've gone in for a hug, I've gone in for a kiss. I usually end up getting a mouthfull of hair or it looks like I'm biting their neck, lol.

My personal fave fuck up was going to kiss someone on the cheek . I went for one cheek and she turned for the other and I ended up kissing her straight on the lips. With her boyfriend about a foot away it probably looked really dodgy, lol. But we both nervously laughed it off. I'm sure I'll get over it, she was absolutely stunning so it made me smile lol.

 

[mrkyle]

I always used to worry about hugging people. It's the whole under arm or over arm thing that worried me, lol. Some people have a tendancy to hug under your arms, some people do it over arm and some do like a mix of both (usually a lads sort of hug).

sorry silverliner, cant figure out how to quote you properly...
with this, its pretty simply. if a guy hugs a girl, he goes over, and she goes under. it works that way because on almost all occasions, the guys will be the taller of the two. guys hugging other guys is a mix because you should be around the same height, usually. i think universally (i havent thought about it up until now, but thinking about it i always do this) its right arm over, which works out if everyone does it.
dunno if this is any use at all.

 

[Fredscars]

i'm almost too touchy feely..i like to have contact with others, to show ..not exactly how im feeling..but to show im there and that i like them..
because i dont talk much, even with people i really like, i use hugs as a way to tell people if i am good mates with them or not.

ive never thought about the under arm over arm thing...one of my girl mates, i hug under, the other over..my bf my arms go around his neck or his stomach..with my friends bf, i put one arm over his shoulder, one under and around his waist....

 

[Scottish_Player]

i use hugs as a way to tell people if i am good mates with them or not.

*asks fredscarecrow for a hug* :wink:

 

[black_mamba]

My boyfriends little sis is staying with us for the weekend - she is SO affectionate and I like the way shes always hugging or holding hands with me, its cute, but she does it to everyone. What a little harlet.

 

[Scottish_Player]

Mmmm... iam not too keen on the touchy touchy stuff either,even at work when iam sitting down and someone comes up behind me and starts talking to me and they put there hands on my shoulders i hate it,i imediatley tense up. Last time i had a hug was about a year ago and that was the first in a veeeeery long time and the feeling of it still stays with me,its was like some kind of weird but good energy exchange even although it was only a thankyou hug :roll: