Socializing with Social Anxiety

[Primus]

Okay, so I decided that I'm gonna give it everything I have and try to get out and socialize as much as possible, but its alot harder then I expected.

This will be sort of a long post, if you don't want to read, just skip to the end and read the last 2 paragraphs and please comment on what you think I should do (basically the socializing goes good at beginning and goes to hell towards end).

I meet an old friend at a Coffee Shop and we sit and talk for alittle bit and I'm doing suprising okay, some awkward moments for me but for the most part it wasn't bad.

Then we decide to go for a run, and she follows me to my house, I get my running clothes and we take her car to her house. The ride there was okay, there was maybe one uncomfortable moment for me, but I feel like I am doing really good, and I don't feel awkward at all.

When we get there, I change my clothes real quick since I'm a guy it doesn't take much prepping to get ready for a run, but I guess it takes girls awhile.

Well the run goes smooth except we stop at her friends house to take a rest, no one is home so we just rest there for alittle bit and the whole time I had a blank fucking mind I couldn't think of anything to say and it was really awkward and intimate setting. From here it goes downhill.

We go back to her house and it takes forever for her to get ready again, and the whole time I'm waiting I feel uncomfortable in her house around her parents so I'm going in and out of the house walking around trying to look busy and trying to not go crazy.

We leave to go visit her friend at work, I know it's a bad idea and I should go home now and leave the experience with semi-good outlook on socializing, but I give into her and we go visit her friend. The whole time I am really fucking anxious and uncomfortable, my eyes glancing around, I'm sure they noticed it but I don't really give a fuck. I just can't accept myself and be myself, am I scared of being gay? and I scared that I act weird? what am I so scared that I will find if I be myself in front of people. What the fuck is holding me back.

Anyway she can tell I'm nervous so she asks if I want to go and I say yes. She drops me off at my house and I can barely make eye contact when we say bye and its so fucking uncomfortable for me, now I leave the experience with bad thoughts about socializing.

She wants to hang out tomorow, and I don't know if I should or not. Maybe I should just relax and clear my mind and try to go to bed with a good attitude and try again tomorow? Or maybe I should just go back to being isolated a couple days and then try again when my mind is ready.

Also, she asks if I want to go on a trip this weekend with her and 2 of her friends to stay at a one of her friends apartment. I don't know about doing this, 2 days with these people and if I have a social anxiety moment it will probably last awhile since I won't be able to be by myself to settle down from the moment. I just don't know if I should go or not.

I think I will stick with my plan to get over this mental process disorder (SA) and give it all I got, but damn it's gonna be hard. Please comment.

 

[Primus]

If anyone has anything to say about this then please comment I need someone's input, this is my first attempt to get over this and I just please need to know what everyone thinks, please.

 

[redlady]

Hi - i hesitate to comment because i have not done so well with meeting this illness head on so anything i say will largely be as an outsider. I am seeing a therapist i guess that counts. Okay first of all how do you propose to get over your problems? Are you in therapy on any medication?

 

[GhostBoy]

I think you should go, they are obviously trying to be your friend, it seems that no matter how awkward you act they still like you, which is good. And make an effort to make a conversation with the other person. I usually have this problem also, when I'm with a friend and meeting new friends, I have nothing to say. So what I do is think to myself as another person. I go outside of me and view myself from the outside and talk like another person would talk, trying to view myself from the person's eyes at the same time to make myself sound regular. This is what I do and it usually does help. You'll find once you get through one hurdle you'll feel a lot better and comfortable afterwards. See if that helps.

 

[paul]

I know how hard it is to do it - bad example, but telling somebody with SA to socialize is almost like telling somebody without SA to make a fool of themself in front of tons of people, like in Times Square or something.
Like redlady, I haven't really been successful, either. If I were you, I would definitely consider hanging out. If things go well then, (or if they didn't) that might give you a better idea if to go on the trip.
Maybe you should set them as goals - like hanging out is a smaller goal, and the trip is a bigger goal. But don't worry about failing them as there will be many more opportunities later on
Do you know your friend's friends whose apartment you would be staying at? Assuming you don't, you do have an advantage being her friend - it's not like you're coming from nowhere. Also, her friends (well, judging by what you have said about her) probably aren't complete assholes.
I wish you luck with whatever you end up doing!

 

[nickabcuk]

...

 

[redlady]

Okay i have had another think - Look the very act of putting your friends and this invited interaction off to get better first negates your new attitude - funnily enough - What i mean by that is - is that you want to beat this illness but you are choosing to do so by giving into it and letting it win. The sp is taking you away from your friends. ( man, writing this makes me feel like such a hypocrite ) Look at it this way what is it about you that these people see in you that allows them to want to be with you? There is something their - they don't want you around because they don't like you that's for sure. Just remember that.

 

[Primus]

SORRY THE REPLY IS SO LONG BUT IT CANT BE HELPED

Okay first of all thank you for replying, I feel alot better now you'r guys comments have calmed me and I am thinking more rationally and contemplating the stuff you are saying. Ever since I got home I have been going crazy thinking about shit, thinking that today was a complete disaster, but I realize that I'm doing good and this is just the first step. Now that I am calm I am going to concentrate on the good moments of today's socializing attempt and prepare for tomorrow. Thank everyone so much for the words they make me feel better that I have everyone's support and you are all helping alot.

Redlady: The disorder largely runs in my family and I have it pretty bad but I'm hoping that I'm not too far gone and I want to get over this by socializing as much as possible, so as I get used to being around people and eventually the SA will go away, and I'm contemplating getting a counselor.

Ghostboy: Yes ghostboy, you're method of viewing yourself from their eyes and what they are thinking of you seems to make great sense. If I had used that earlier I think I would have been able to calm down but the anxiety completely took me over and I couldnt say one word to her friends.

Paul: Now that I have calmed down and consider that today has been a good first attempt, I will try again tomorrow. The first leap is the hardest, and it was definitley hard to work up the courage to arrange to meet her at the coffee shop and then run with her, when at any moment I could have backed out and just given up. I am setting tomorrow as a definite goal. The trip would be a fucking huge goal considering we would be going to the beach and I would have to take off my shirt (chubby) and run around like a normal 18 year old should at the beach.

nickabcuk: You make complete sense and it is a rude awakening. To just throw myself in these situations and be completely anxious the whole time just cements the social anxiety disease more into my brain because all I am learning is pain from these encounters. When I go tomorrow I will defintley go with the right attitude and try to learn something, I tried today and I was doing good but when the SA took hold during our run I couldnt turn it around, I tried to fight it but then I just let it take complete hold and tried to not freak out like I have before.

I just try to reply somewhat to what you say so you know that I appreciate it, I am going to consider all the stuff you have said and then think about everything. I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS IS OKAY AND I NEED TO BE HAPPY WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT.

Okay I will definitley hang around with her tomorrow, I will set it as my second goal, and if I come out of it without freaking out and running out of her house like I have before, then I will consider the goal accomplished. THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN.

 

[beto]

Some people think that facing this fear wont help curing it.

 

[emc]

I think that perhaps you got yourself into a social situation with someone who knows NOTHING about YOU.
A good place to start is to try to hint at having SA.Anyone with compassion will not drag you around the Town on a Leash,they should,hopefully ask you what it is/or how do you feel?

What do you think?

 

[Dill]

Just go for it! I started exposing myself in social situations for about 6 months. I;ve started doing doing 1 thing a day that scares me. Fotr example, talking to someone in the street, at this moment Im at a internet cafe which a few months ago i would be able to do it.

It starts off like your in hell, and I've felt safer staying in my 'cage' and hiding from the world, but after a while you get all excited when you've achieved the smallest thing, like making small talk in a shop queue. After that I just want to do it more and more. It wasnt all easy, I had a lot of moments where I felt even worse then I did before but the depression seemed to pass everytime I tried again

Thats just my story, So man, Just GO FOR IT. WOOHOO!!!!!!

 

[Primus]

YAY I THINK IM FINALLY GONNA GET OVER THIS SHIT, I THINK IF I KEEP DOING WHAT IM DOING NOW IN ANOTHER 6 MONTHS TO A YEAR I WILL BE DOING GREAT!!!

THANKS nickabcuk FOR REMINDING ME TO BRING THE RIGHT ATTITUDE INTO WHAT I DO, THANKS EVERYONE FOR INPUT, THANKS FOR MAKING THIS WEBSITE EVERYONE, I JUST USED EVERYONES INPUT AND WHAT I READ ON THIS SITE DURING TODAYS SOCIALIZING WITH THE GIRL, AND I WAS ONLY ANXIOUS/UNCOMFORTABLE ONE TIME !!!! THE REST OF THE TIME WAS REALLY GOOD, NOT AS GOOD AS I HOPE IT TO BE BUT IT WAS BETTER THEN USUAL.

She came to my house and I showed her my room and we just sat around here for alittle bit, (This is the only time I felt uncomfortable, for a few moments when she was at my house), she is the only friend I have had in my room for about 3 years lol. Then we went running we ran 4 miles and the drive there was great and the run was great and the ride back was okay except I didnt feel good. The whole time I just told myself "She wants to be your friend, she wants you to be happy and be yourself, just let it go and open up alittle, she will accept it , its what she wants, just let go your not a bad person" just saying all this stuff and then i just let go and the anxiety went away pretty much.

i mean when i say I opened up, its not like my personality turned around and i started talking alot and everyhting was fine, because i am a sort of quiet person (even tho i wish i had different personality sometime), and i just said whatever came to mind and kept relaxed and god im just so glad it went so good because now I FEEL LIKE IM GGETTING SOMEWHERE< I JUST STARTED THIS NEW LIFE AND I AM GETTING OFF TO A GREAT START, THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SITE IT GAVE ME SOME USEFUL TIPS TO DEALING WITH IT AND BEING MYSELF.

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT DAY TOMOROW AND TONIGHT!!!!!!! HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT SLEEP AND WAKES UP IN A GOOD MOOD AND DOESNT LET ANYTHING GET THEM DOWN!!!!!

~Primus

 

[Kezada]

lets see....just use alcohol....works for me

nooooooo! use marijuana, alcohol takes bare time 2 make an effect

Kezada

 

[aoao]

nooooooo! use marijuana, alcohol takes bare time 2 make an effect

Kezada

marijuana makes you paranoid! weed is not the answer for socially anxious people!! gaaah

 

[Primus]

yea when i smoke pot it amplifies my social anxiety to the point where i will have to run out of someones house cuz it makes it so bad, but if i smoke pot alone i feel really good and it really helps me to appreciate music

 

[paul]

marijuana makes you paranoid! weed is not the answer for socially anxious people!! gaaah

I am young and dumb and don't really know the direct affects of marijuana, nor am I very moved by those "Anti drug ads." But I do agree - I think that smoking pot introduces a new problem on top of your anxiety, and although it may seem like it's temporarily curing it, in the long run it's just prolonging and worsening your anxiety.

 

[redlady]

Okay you sound great and your attitude is terrific - i'm very happy to hear it and that will help you, but i just want to say this - alright you mentioned that you might see a therapist - i think that is a good thought - look i don't want to be a drag and i don't want to make you feel hopeless -on the contrary, my words are motivated by concern and care. Despite your good feelings that deep rooted psychological belief system - i don't know the correct terminology - is still there lurking under the surface and it is one tenacious bastard of a thing - i think it would be helpful to you if you did see a therapist to resolve / deal / i don't know, overcome what it is that caused you to be this way in the first place - your positive attitude should make the therapy a little easier to deal with as well. As i said i don't want to bring you down - but i thought once that if i just got out there and exposed myself to life - that should 'cure' me - it didn't work - my underlying problems and issues were still there fighting against me everystep of the way and i lost - and i don't think i would have if i sought help at the same time. Just something to think about.

 

[allanboy]

Hey really happy for you. I smiled reading through your capital letter joy . Well, just get yourself relaxed. Wear clothing you like(or dont wear clothes, if you prefer that). Build some adrenaline on you, run around, jump over fences and tic tac on the walls. Drink a can of beer to light up, but dont get yourself addicted, please. I´m on that worry myself...

Well, good luck with your friend, and with yourself

 

[Primus]

Thanks for support guys, I think I know what I'm doing.

allanboy, yeah Beer and xanex really help is what I found out this weekend, I partied thursday, friday, saturday got drunk / xanied, talked to people, got about 10 hours sleep total this weekend. it was great fun but I seriously can't do it every weekend even tho I want to.

redlady, im gonna try my luck without a counselor right now, but ill probably get one within a few months.

EVERYONE, i have my own group of friends now, and its great, im meeting people and getting over my social anxiety very quickly. i got new clothes, been running / biking / swimming / working out , im getting a job. BUT IM WARY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW QUICKLY IT CAN GO AWAY. im seriously tired just wanted to come on here and see whats up.

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT SLEEP AND WAKES UP IN A GREAT MOOD FOR THE ENTIRE DAY!!! good luck everyone i hope u find a friend im so glad ive got one now.

 

[emc]

Iam so glad you are feeling better,try not to be so hard on yourself if things are not perfect as I find a lot of us with SA are slight perfectionists.

I wish you well

Regards