Some comfort...

[Jaded_Jester]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site. I think it's a good thing that I found it a month ago, because I'm at the bottom of the barrel right now. I know "things can only go up from here", but that tired cliche doesn't make me feel better. It does make me feel better knowing that other people understand. Really understand. Thank you to everyone who has shared a story, thought, experience..etc - it's good to have some positive support from somewhere and I appreciate it.
I'm 26 year old female, I have suffered with sa and depression since 13 and my sa has only gotten worse with age. The only time I leave my apartment is to go to work, or to get groceries (any banking/errands has to be done on a grocery day, god forbid I go out twice in one week). I have cut myself off completely from everyone, famliy and friends. I can no longer trust anybody, I haven't had my phone turned on in over 2 years. When I'm at work I seem so nice and happy and always smiling, but I really want to go home and be alone. It's getting harder and harder to pretend to be happy. I have gone to see a therapist, (2 different ones) but I find their advice to be expensive common sense. I think that there is some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain, but my doctor doesn't think that I'm serious (because I'm always so f**king nice and smiling).

I know it's better to be positive, I know that staying inside and hiding from the world is wrong, I know that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. So if I know all of this, why is it so hard to feel it too?
This rotten hopelessness follows me around like a cloud over my head, more and more I'm asking myself 'Why bother? I'll never be happy' and it makes me scared and sad.
Does this feeling ever go away?

Is there anyone out there who is incredibly stubborn, and was able to forgive? My heart is so angry and grief stricken because I don't think that I can ever forgive.

Thanks for listening, er reading.

 

[jackal]

Hi Jaded.

I'm new to this site too...well new to SA to be honest. I only recently started having bouts with it since December. It's not my first bout with anxiety though, several years ago I suffered for a long time with hypochondria. I spent every single day for years believing that I was dying of something...brain tumor, lung cancer...you name it I had it. What made things worse is that no one believed I had a problem, not even my doctor. Eventually I found out that my local university had a program where you could have sessions with their graduating med students (supervised of course) within a few months I was fine.
I plan on going back to back to talk to someone about what I'm going through now. Maybe your local university might have something similar.

But more to the point of your topic. I do get angry sometimes for having these issues but I think sites like this really help to know that we aren't alone and we do have someone we can relate to. You sound fed up and angry enough that you're going to do something about it. I think you should take all those feelings of hopelessness and get as pissed off as you need, to get the support you need. And when you do find that the clouds have cleared...lemme know cuz I'm going to need it as a pep talk myself.

 

[Layla]

Hi Jaded Jester, I understand how you feel. I dont know if these feelings ever go away, but we must always look for the silver lining in the clouds.
I too put on the facade of smiling and looking happy; no one can beleive that i'm actually shy (let alone terrified of socializing) cause it doesnt appear that way on the outside. People think im an extrovert.

Perhaps you should force yourself to face your fear of going out a little more, doing groceries no matter what day it is. That will you give you more confidence in yourself and you'll realize that you CAN do it!

Take care

 

[Jaded_Jester]

Hi,
Thanks you guys

Jackal- that's a really good idea, I'll call up the university and see if have any programs available. I hope you can get rid of the anxiety that's started bothering you soon, have you noticed any changes in when it bothers you the most?

Mriceguy- are there any kinds of activities at your school that you would be interested in? Sports/language clubs/art/etc? Highschool was rough for me too, I hated presentations so much that I would be "sick" that day. I would rather get in trouble from my parents than stand in front of my class shaking and speed reading through my report. But I really enjoyed playing baseball and I joined the school team, even though we lost every game because we sucked so bad, I never had any regrets.

Layla- do you ever get tired of the facade? Do loud noises make you jump too, because you are so tense when around others? I have to force myself to relax all the time, even right now! haha

Can I ask you guys for some advice? I recently worked a ton of overtime and I realize that I can take the dream trip to Greece that I have always wanted to take. But I'm only about 60% sure that I won't spend the whole time terrified in my hotel (and it's expensive :lol: )

You are right Layla, it's much more productive to be positive. Thank you for you encouragement.