nickii
Member
Hi everyone. I am reasonably new to this forum. I am a 23 year old girl from Australia. Although I have not been diagnosed with SP, I know in my own heart I have it. I hate conversations - they make me nervous. I dread upcoming events, such as parties, bbq's, having anyone come to my house etc. I don't have panic attacks but I get extremely anxious. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and he is a VERY SOCIAL person but I fear I am turning him into a hermit! I hate going out, although I do go out - for his sake. Like last Saturday night, we went to the "burn-outs" - it is like the fast and the furious with all the cars ripping up the rubber on their tyres. I was dreading going but it was actually okay. That is what always happens - I absolutely dread something but once I go it isn't so bad afterall. But if I had my way, I would never go out. I feel as though everyone stares at me, which they don't but that is just how I feel. I can't talk to people properly for fear that I am not talking properly. It is really weird. I wish I was normal. I haven't had a friend for well over 5 years. I don't share anything with anybody, not even my sisters. I have 2 sisters who I have completely cut off not to mention the rest of my family. My existence is so meagre. I love being on my own - is that so strange? Most people can't stand their own company but I could quite happily stay on my own. I see that some of you on here get terrified to answer the phone - make calls etc. I am not too bad although the majority of the time I will let the machine take the call. But I work as a Legal Secretary so I have to answer the phone all day not to mention take calls. But at home it is different. I just get so self-conscious of myself always. I think I have low self-esteem. You know its funny - I'm sitting here telling everyone all about myself and I feel like I am a whinger but this is my life. A life I wish I could change. I would love to be confident but how? I would love to look forward to going out with friends but how? I dread it instead. How do I change? I honestly think I am not compatible with life. My boyfriend doesn't believe I have it - he doesn't understand whatsoever. I think I come across as rude to others and as a snob but believe me I am far from it. If only they knew I am just scared. There is much more I could go on forever but at least I have got some of this off my chest, so to speak. Thanks for listening.