Talking to Strangers vs People You Know

[Shift]

I pretty much walk everywhere, so random people who also happen to be walking often start talking to me and I have pretty minimal anxiety. I can answer their questions and act pretty normal...

But then, when I'm around people I know and see all the time I get pretty anxious when they talk to me. I never speak to anyone in any of my classes. And there's this one guy... I like him a lot (not in a romantic way) and I really want to be friends with him but whenever I know I'm going to see him I get extremely nervous. My anxiety is probably worse with him than it is with anyone else right now. And there's this other guy whom I like (in a romantic way) that I'm less nervous with, but still have a really hard time speaking around him.

Anyone else have that problem?

 

[Kiwong]

yes, I have that trouble too, Shift, but probably for different reasons.

Usually with strangers I can get away with it before they notice my anxiety. And with strangers if they do notice then it doesn't matter because I'll probably never speak to them again.

The problem with my anxiety is with people I know who have responded to and noticed my anxiety, very often negatively. With those people it is too fearful to communicate with them at all.

 

[Nathan6672]

I second what Kiwong said, but I'd also like to add my own bit too. When you like someone your anxiety levels go up, because you're more concerned with impressing them so they'll want to continue coming around you; however, casual talk flows easier with strangers and anxiety levels are lower for a lot of people.
And yes, it happens to me as well. In my speech class last semester, I met a really cool guy and got nervous every time I talked to him, but I kept making small talk with him after class, and now we're gym partners and hang out quite frequently. And guess what else? It turns out that his anxiety level is just as bad as mine, so we'd encourage each other before we gave speeches in class. I guess I probably lucked up with meeting a decent person who can relate to me, but certainly I'm not the only one it can happen to. I'm sure you're a very interesting person and both of those guys would be lucky to have you talk to them. =]

 

[Phoenixx]

I definitely know what you mean, Shift. I never talk to most of the people I have classes with either, and then when they do talk to me I get extremely nervous. I am nervous with strangers, but like the others said, I can normally get away with casual talk before they notice the anxiety. When it comes to people I like, I think it just depends on the person. I know with some guys I used to like, I could talk to them with hardly any anxiety (But I think it's also because I knew them for a little bit more ). But then with other guys, I can't even manage to get a word out I get so anxious.

 

[Psychedelicious]

People are Strangers.

I Think I know what you mean. I actually prefer to talk or interact with strangers with the intention that I will never see them again. If it's someone I know, or even someone I know I will see in the future, I'm going to care much more about how I act or the impressions I have on them. There is some comfort in knowing that you're never going to see someone again. It gives me less of a reason to care so much about every little thing I'm doing.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Re: People are Strangers.

I Think I know what you mean. I actually prefer to talk or interact with strangers with the intention that I will never see them again. If it's someone I know, or even someone I know I will see in the future, I'm going to care much more about how I act or the impressions I have on them. There is some comfort in knowing that you're never going to see someone again. It gives me less of a reason to care so much about every little thing I'm doing.

Same over here.

I guess the advice would be: Treat the ones you know AS strangers when talking to them.
If you're like me, when you go from chatting/whatever with a stranger to talking to someone you regularly see, a strange 'tightness' happens inside and the concentration starts up, thoughts start to muddle and anxiety settles in as we mentally scramble for the 'right' things to say and the 'right' way to act around them.
I've noticed my conversation and body language loosens up tremendously if I somehow let it go and talk as I do with strangers.
As for mastering that technique, I guess it takes practice, and knowing how to start it going in the first place.

All the carefree people I've ever known that I've envied always talked the exact same way with people regardless of how they knew them.

 

[Shift]

@Nathan6672 That's probably it... And I think also that the guy I want to be friends with is really amazing and I feel like I'm... not worthy of hanging out with him? Not good enough? Inadequate? I don't know how to describe it. But that makes me really nervous too. Which is silly because he's been nothing but nice to me and hasn't said or done anything to make me feel that way. I mean, he told me that even though he's going to be super busy this quarter that I could stop by his place anytime for a quick match...

@Hastings & Main That sounds hard, but I'll work on practicing that. Although... Now I just feel like everyone expects me to be quiet so it'd be weird if I started talking to people more. People always point out when I talk more and then I stop again. Things like "We've had two semesters together but I think that was the first time I've heard you speak" or "It was weird hearing your voice today in class."

 

[Why]

oppsite for me

cant talk comfortably with ne1 that im not comfortable or somewhat close with.. if u know what i mean

 

[mint]

I must be really odd then. I'm the opposite way.
I get completely paralyzed with fear when strangers try to make casual conversation with me. I can't make eye contact and have trouble keeping conversation going, usually I end up causing an awkward silence and they walk away.
I'm much more comfortable around people I've become familiar with. Actually if I have a friend with me I can usually even talk to unfamiliar people much more easily. It's just the talking alone with a stranger that I have trouble with.

 

[Shift]

Well, I'm okay with talking to people I'm already close with... It's just people that I see on a regular basis, but don't know all that well that give me the most trouble.

 

[Hamelech]

I pretty much walk everywhere, so random people who also happen to be walking often start talking to me and I have pretty minimal anxiety. I can answer their questions and act pretty normal...

That's basically because you don't give a fuck about them, so their opinions don't affect you so much as the opinions from people you know and care. Easy.

 

[Shift]

That's basically because you don't give a fuck about them, so their opinions don't affect you so much as the opinions from people you know and care. Easy.

Well, I think it's mostly that. And because I don't have time to worry before hand because it's an unexpected encounter. Usually my own thoughts build up my anxiety when I know I'm going to be seeing someone... >_>

 

[Hastings & Main]

Now I just feel like everyone expects me to be quiet so it'd be weird if I started talking to people more. People always point out when I talk more and then I stop again. Things like "We've had two semesters together but I think that was the first time I've heard you speak" or "It was weird hearing your voice today in class."

Yeah, that will always happen if you stay silent for a while. You'll get those few comments and then they stop when you pipe up more often, but just smile with them, they mean no harm (and sc**w them if a few do ).

And keep it up, it gets easier - thinking that it never will is part of the challenge.