Tuco
Well-known member
Hi everyone, I am a 28 year old male, and I've had social phobia since I was 13. Right now I am feeling really depressed, so I decided to post on this forum, because maybe writing about my situation could make me feel a little better, even though it feels weird as I have never talked about this with anyone. Like some of the people here, I don't have any friends, and I've never had a girlfriend, I haven't even been close. I never talk to anyone outside of work except my mother, who I live with.
Here is where my story gets a little different than that of the rest, because my job could be described as a nightmare for anyone who suffers from social phobia; I am a teacher at a local university, I teach several entry level courses related to science. I have been doing this for almost two years, and I don't enjoy it at all, I do it because of lack of options; you'd think that after all this time doing it that I would be used to it by now, but the truth is sometimes I have to take sleeping pills because of the anxiety the job provokes me, and I still shudder before going into the classrooms, and during the lectures sometimes I think to myself: “What am I doing in front of all these people? They're all looking at me!”, but somehow I always manage to pull myself together and finish the two hour lectures. Of course it was a lot harder in the beginning.
The situation has been very difficult for the past few months, because I think I fell in love with a student, I can't get her out of my mind; the last time this happened to me was when I was a teenager, and that was a long time ago. She is not my student anymore because the semester ended a few weeks ago, but I could never approach her on a personal level because of my insecurities, I don't consider myself to be attractive at all and last but not least, she is ten years younger than me. I see her in the hallways once or twice a week on the way to my lectures, and I would like to walk up to her and just say hi and ask her how she is doing, not to ask her out or anything because I know I have absolutely no chance with her, just to act friendly, because I am pretty sure that right now she thinks that I am an arrogant bastard, on account of how the other day I was going to talk to her in the hallway, and even managed to make eye contact with her, but I panicked and immediately looked away, and started walking really fast pretending to check my cell phone. I am sure she saw that as a very rude gesture, being that I used to be her teacher; I should've at least said hi. The next time I saw her in the hallway, there was eye contact again, but this time she was the one who immediately looked away, I guess returning the favor. I've been wanting to talk to her since, just to show her that I can be friendly, but after that she's always been talking to other people, so I haven't had the chance, but even if I see her alone I don't know if I would have the guts to approach her.
Well, that's all I wanted to say, sorry for the long post.
Here is where my story gets a little different than that of the rest, because my job could be described as a nightmare for anyone who suffers from social phobia; I am a teacher at a local university, I teach several entry level courses related to science. I have been doing this for almost two years, and I don't enjoy it at all, I do it because of lack of options; you'd think that after all this time doing it that I would be used to it by now, but the truth is sometimes I have to take sleeping pills because of the anxiety the job provokes me, and I still shudder before going into the classrooms, and during the lectures sometimes I think to myself: “What am I doing in front of all these people? They're all looking at me!”, but somehow I always manage to pull myself together and finish the two hour lectures. Of course it was a lot harder in the beginning.
The situation has been very difficult for the past few months, because I think I fell in love with a student, I can't get her out of my mind; the last time this happened to me was when I was a teenager, and that was a long time ago. She is not my student anymore because the semester ended a few weeks ago, but I could never approach her on a personal level because of my insecurities, I don't consider myself to be attractive at all and last but not least, she is ten years younger than me. I see her in the hallways once or twice a week on the way to my lectures, and I would like to walk up to her and just say hi and ask her how she is doing, not to ask her out or anything because I know I have absolutely no chance with her, just to act friendly, because I am pretty sure that right now she thinks that I am an arrogant bastard, on account of how the other day I was going to talk to her in the hallway, and even managed to make eye contact with her, but I panicked and immediately looked away, and started walking really fast pretending to check my cell phone. I am sure she saw that as a very rude gesture, being that I used to be her teacher; I should've at least said hi. The next time I saw her in the hallway, there was eye contact again, but this time she was the one who immediately looked away, I guess returning the favor. I've been wanting to talk to her since, just to show her that I can be friendly, but after that she's always been talking to other people, so I haven't had the chance, but even if I see her alone I don't know if I would have the guts to approach her.
Well, that's all I wanted to say, sorry for the long post.