Team effort! Talking to people! Communication! Interaction!

[Shutinshell]

These words fill me with rage. I. Just. Cant. I dont know how else to say it. Some people can. Some people at first think they cant but can. I really cant do it. People ask me why and try to come up with reasons. They think I can do it. I'm sick of it all. It's not fair that I cant live the type of life I desire. Because society values these things. I am capable if I was allowed to do it my way alone and by myself.

I wish I could find a man willing to take care of and control me. I want to be controlled, ordered, and demanded. I want to hide from the outside world. I want to be owned. I dont want to have to deal with people unless its professionally. But people cant seem to let me.

Group projects. Forced group projects where you have to join a group on your own and its not assigned. I just cant do that. I cant be the leader. I cant take initiative. I cant make the first move. I cant be the one to open my mouth. The fear is too great. The fear of rejection, humiliation, and of crying in front of people because yes I am a crybaby.

Just when I think things get better they get worse and knock me down again. What makes it worse is when everyone around you brushes it off and just doesnt understand or believe the fear I have. I feel like I freeze, like I'm frozen, like sound stops, and the room is spinning. My face feels hot, I think I can hear my heart beat. My eyes water but I cant cry. I can barely speak. I cant look people in the eye. I want to just disappear.

 

[Diend]

I like that you sound angry and not depressed over this. Being angry and pissed off about this will have positive results. After two years of feeling depressed because of my social ineptitude, I grew tireless and angry. I thought ,"This isn't fair! I'm not gonna feel inferior because I am socially awkward while everyone else can smile!" The main thing that made me feel depressed at first was because I didn't want people to know I had SA and wanted to fit in. Now, I allow myself to make social mistakes. Allow yourself to make social mistakes and you will learn from them. It worked for me. What I felt afterwards was slight social isolation, but the freedom that making social mistakes brings is priceless! Well worth the isolation from people who think "weirdo". Those words don't matter. They'll never get you.

And yes, the "making your own groups" thing in high school was a nightmare for me, too.

 

[OvidiuDanut]

These words fill me with rage. I. Just. Cant. I dont know how else to say it. Some people can. Some people at first think they cant but can. I really cant do it. People ask me why and try to come up with reasons. They think I can do it. I'm sick of it all. It's not fair that I cant live the type of life I desire. Because society values these things. I am capable if I was allowed to do it my way alone and by myself.

I wish I could find a man willing to take care of and control me. I want to be controlled, ordered, and demanded. I want to hide from the outside world. I want to be owned. I dont want to have to deal with people unless its professionally. But people cant seem to let me.

Group projects. Forced group projects where you have to join a group on your own and its not assigned. I just cant do that. I cant be the leader. I cant take initiative. I cant make the first move. I cant be the one to open my mouth. The fear is too great. The fear of rejection, humiliation, and of crying in front of people because yes I am a crybaby.

Just when I think things get better they get worse and knock me down again. What makes it worse is when everyone around you brushes it off and just doesnt understand or believe the fear I have. I feel like I freeze, like I'm frozen, like sound stops, and the room is spinning. My face feels hot, I think I can hear my heart beat. My eyes water but I cant cry. I can barely speak. I cant look people in the eye. I want to just disappear.

You poor thing... I think the SA condition at its core is powered by a degree of broken self esteem. The higher the degree the worse the condition. What you really have to understand is what i understood sometime ago. Escaping SA is definetly not an overnight job. It takes time and perseverance. Yes it has ups and downs but what really matters is that you focus on the ups and try to ignore the downs. I know its dreadfully difficult but focus on the small steps you make forward and in time you actually will see that you made some progress. I can definetly see myself way ahead of the social wreck i was 6-7 years ago. What you wish for will not make you happy even if you find that man, but more likely will make the SA even worse. We are social beings by nature; my belief is that God made us so. This cursed SA is a huge obstacle between us and the society. And like any obstacle it can be surmounted. DONT GIVE UP!