Riley89
New member
I remember when my OCD started. It was right after my family and I moved. I think that may have caused it because it was a very difficult time for me. I moved away from my family and friends and now I was almost 2 hours away and I have always been a shy kid so meeting new people has always been hard. I definitely have OCD I think about horrible accidents happening to my family or strangers like I'll be driving in the car and I'll think of what would happen if one of the tires were to blow out. If someone else is driving, I have to count the patches of grass between sidewalks, driveways, and roads and they have to equal up to be a multiple of 4, which is my "Safe" number, but it cant be 6 or a multiple of 6 unless it's a multiple of 4, ( i know sounds crazy). I have weird thoughts about people getting hurt or killed and inappropriate thoughts that I would never act on. My OCD used to be a lot worse when I was around 10 years old (when it started). I used to walk to the bus stop by myself and if a step felt "wrong" I would have to walk back to that spot and walk over it again in the exact same way to make 3 more times to make a set of 4 but if one of those steps felt different from the initial step, I would then have to finish doing the original set then do a new set to match the different step (i know its confusing lol). I was often running down my street because my bus was almost to my stop and if a step felt wrong I had no choice but to get to the bus and once I was on it I felt relieved that I didnt have to finish out my ritual but I felt a lot of anxiety from it. I always worried about looking weird around people so I tried to hide my rituals like flipping the light switch on and off until it felt right also doing the sets of 4. I remember asking my mom if there was something wrong with me that she didnt tell me about like I had a secret disease that she hasnt told me about. I used to get a soapy washcloth and wash my walls, doors, door knobs, dresser, etc until i felt it was clean. One day I turned on a small fan and it felt wrong so I had to turn it off, wait for the fan blades to stop spinning, then redo it and I remember sitting there for 15 minutes redoing it until it felt right but having to do the sets of 4. I broke down and cried a lot in my room privately. Then finally I was putting clothes away in my dresser and I did it wrong so I started my ritual and I started crying because I felt crazy. Why am I doing this? then I realized something: What would really happen if I didnt do it? Whats the big deal? So I decided to stop. I picked up the rest of the clothes and threw them in the drawer and felt a little relieved but very anxious because each of those clothes needed to be redone and ritualized. After that if I switched on the light wrong, I left it alone, I stopped going back to a certain step, I stopped ritualizing. I felt a lot of anxiety but the feeling of not having to do the rituals overpowered it. Im 19 years old now and my OCD isnt nearly as bad as it was. I still count the patches of grass and Ill catch myself doing it and Ill stop it, Ill think about horrible accidents and images of people and my family getting hurt and I stop it, I havent done a little ritual like the sets of four since that day and I dont feel anxiety from not doing it. I do however obsess about locking the doors and pulling on them to make sure theyre locked, and the windows are locked as well. If it starts getting out of control, I just say out loud "ITS LOCKED! LEAVE IT ALONE!" I feel so much better like I have my life back. I can live with those little things I still experience. So if you're going through OCD and you have similar symptoms then just think "What's really going to happen if I dont?" Nothings going to happen! If you dont make 4 perfect sets of steps you family wont get hurt or die. You may feel really anxious but it does go away. I think facing my OCD head on really helped. Try talking to your doctor about it and see if its a good thing for you to try.