the only reason im not dead yet

[honeydippedxo]

Is because I know if I tried to kill myself I would fail! I tried it once with some pills. but before i could take them all some guy from a party the weekend before randomly showed up at my house and did not leave for two days! i dont even know how he found out where i live. i didnt even talk to him. my dumb mom hung out with him the whole weekend even let him sleepover. idk why my parents liked him. i was so mad he was all up in my buisness tryna read my poems on my lab top. that was five years ago. He saved my life and i hate him for it. now ill never try pills again that takes too fcking long to kick in. if i could find a quick and sure fire way to end it all man i would! the last thing i want is to end up in the loony bin though. thats even worse than living the way i am. why cant i just die urgggg.

 

[EscapeArtist]

It sounds like you are in a heavy position right now of some sort. And I really really feel for you... Try to remember that It gets better, but you have to want it to get better. Everything works in that sort of cycle, you have to want to want it, before you can want it. And to want it, you must act as if you do when you do not..But life DOES get better, if you take care of the vessel that is your body, I assure you, you can find content. Nothing and everything are in themselves the same, and right now you sound like you are verging on content with nothing. It may sound crazy but that is very close to being content with everything, if you shift your perspective a bit.

I think it's important to realize that everything that we are, is so because we want to be so. If you are alive, you must somewhere deep down want to be alive. Primal instinct, even, maybe. The only advice I can offer is to focus on little things, your senses, your environment RIGHT NOW, and all the possibilities. Detach yourself from the mental world and just feel your pores open in the wind or something, indulge yourself in the present tense. It can help in times of desperation.

Sorry this post probably wasn't very helpful =/ Unfortunately, It sounds like you would more benefit from what society calls "Professional" help. Are you seeing a therapist? They aren't all robots, and I know care is scary when you find it..

 

[honeydippedxo]

People who claim to wanna help crazies like me cant because they're too mean! and judgmental. I could see it in their eyes and feel their energy. i know when im gonna die i just have to figure out how. i been thinking about my death since i was 7. life hasnt changed positivly for me since then so i think i waited long enough. a piece of me does want to live you're right about that. i grab on to a little bit of hope every now and then. but in the end i suck at life. im not strong enough to take any more. and im sick of others trying to help this lost cause. in reality i know this is all my fault, i dont blame anyone for how i feel no matter what they did or said. i was born broken. I cant handel it. im a selfish person. waa for me. crying again like the lameass i am.

 

[Confuseddd]

People who claim to wanna help crazies like me cant because they're too mean! and judgmental. I could see it in their eyes and feel their energy. i know when im gonna die i just have to figure out how. i been thinking about my death since i was 7. life hasnt changed positivly for me since then so i think i waited long enough. a piece of me does want to live you're right about that. i grab on to a little bit of hope every now and then. but in the end i suck at life. im not strong enough to take any more. and im sick of others trying to help this lost cause. in reality i know this is all my fault, i dont blame anyone for how i feel no matter what they did or said. i was born broken. I cant handel it. im a selfish person. waa for me. crying again like the lameass i am.

I am one of those people who claim to wanna help people like you

And i am the last person who would judge or belittle you or anyone else in any way. I myself have seen the bottom of the barrel, and i came back up a better person for it. ( im only half way up )
But I believe in you, and i know theres a great person buried beneath the crippling emotions.

 

[Feathers]

honey!! You had a terrible past, it would break anyone's spirit!!

I'm so sorry to hear you felt you had to resort to pills - and that is actually very funny, you could put it in a film or TV series!! (about that guy) Often people do hate others who stop them from comitting suicide..

Did you have a quarrel with your bf or his mom? Did something bad happen? You were feeling quite okay-ish the other day - at least it seemed that way? (It's difficult to tell via online though..)

Do you think I'm mean and judgemental too? Well, maybe I am sometimes.. It's normal to be selfish sometimes, it's self-preservation, and you had to learn it the hard way!!

It's normal to be a little messed up too.. A very known psychologist in our country said there are maybe 2 sane or 'normal' people IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!! (Okay we're a tiny small country, but still!!)

Do you think politicians or businessmen doing stupid things are sane? Puh-lease! (And sometimes they get huge paychecks to do it!)

Sorry to hear you had bad experience with people who were supposed to help you.. I've heard it from several others too.. Sometimes it takes a while before you find someone really helpful, some people changed 3 or more therapists to find someone who could help.. Escape Artist is quite happy with her therapist... (I never actually dared to go see one yet, just found lots of knowledge in good books, and some films etc..)

Did you look at any websites or call any numbers I posted? Did someone suggest to hospitalize you? Some people said staying in a hospital was helpful for them in the past, some say it wasn't really helpful, so it probably depends.. It would be better to try other options first, maybe just talking to someone or a group.. Or do you have bad experience with that too? Sorry if anything I said yesterday upset you.. It's sometimes not easy to find the right words.. If you would prefer to read a good book, I can post a few that helped me..

You know I wanted to end my life at 16 or so too.. I thought I was miserable anyway, no friends, no boyfriend, no one who'd ever really love me.. And luckily I didn't do it, in three years I had good friends and a boyfriend!! It wasn't all hunky dory but it was totally different than I ever expected.. If I did it back then I'd miss sooo many wonderful moments!!

I know you can feel very bad and life can sometimes feel terrible.. Often things change in a few days or a few weeks - or even the next day!! And we'd miss you here!! And other people would probably miss you too.. (Even if you're angry at them right now or you had a quarrel...)

Can you write down what upset you so much? Maybe then we can say more, or have other ideas..

 

[honeydippedxo]

No i dont think any of you are mean or judgemental. i was talking about people in real life, those so called professionals. i didnt get in a fight with anyone or anything like that. i just dont feel i deserve to live. im just weak. and this stupid movie of my life wont stop playing over and over in my head. i cannot escape! now im starting to have dreams about it too. im afraid to sleep now because of the dreams. i wake up screaming and my body actually hurts! dreaming of my step dad beating on me. but forget about dreams and movies. im a life ruiner and a loser so i just dont want to live.

 

[honeydippedxo]

Ooh and i was gonna call the people you sent me and also other groups i found but i chickend out and hung up on them. Im too scared to get help and i dont know how to fix myself so thats basically why i wanna become worm food. well actually my death wishes are to not have a funeral and be cremated and thrown to sea. so i guess fish food.

 

[Feathers]

Okay, ((hun))!! ((hugs)) again..

Nightmares suck.. I had them too occasionally.. Not so many though.. And yours sound particularly terrible!! Having no sleep can make you go woozy too!! No wonder you feel bad...

What you need is to research how to stop the nightmares.. Maybe do a search if anyone has written about this here, or google it?

Could you sort of imagine what you could do now, that you are grown and taller - have you learnt any kungfu tricks or such? Or at least the knee kick to you-know-where (never fails and can get a man uhm, rather powerless... even if you do it by accident) Could you imagine becoming Jackie Chan (or someone really strong) and sort of kicking your step-dad's butt in imagination??

Can you maybe get some martial arts training to make you feel stronger?

If you could get rid of the films in your head and the nightmares, would life still be so terrible, or would it be okay to live? I think it would be much better.. and a start..

Have you tried EFT or TAT yet?
EFT: emofree.com TAT: tatlife.com - free pdf manuals online
I found them helpful to deal with some old things, actually printed them out and did them for a while.. Maybe they could be helpful to you too?

I'd really recommend this book too: Louise Hay: You can Heal your Life - see if your library has it? It's maybe a bit corny but was really helpful to me in the past..

You're real lucky to have your bf and mom who are sympathetic to you!! So I'm thinking you must really be a very nice girl.. just went through a lot!!

How old are you 16-18? How do you know you're anything?? You're soo young!! You haven't even begun to live!!
Do you know how many people only got real successful when they were older?!!

There's a great singer who got famous when she was 80!! 80!!
Was she a 'loser' and 'ruin' before, all those 80 years? No.. but it took so long to get recognized in the world..

Of course I hope you'll get recognition and success sooner than that!!

What made you think you're a life ruiner and 'loser'? Whose life did you ruin? Your own or anyone else's?

Bad treatment from significant people in our lives can cause people to think this way.. it's just brainwashing.. they repeated it so much you started to believe it.. it doesn't make it true.. Do you think I or other people on this board are 'life ruiners' or 'losers' too... hmm..? Would you say that to a good friend though?

By some standards, maybe some of us are.. Some stay inside and don't go outside at all, maybe don't have any friends or bf/gf or close people right now.. They may take steps to get better though, and eventually get better and turn their life around.. get jobs/careers and meet new people.. So would they still be 'losers'? - Would that be 'before' or 'after'? What's a 'loser' anyway? Some are happy to be 'losers' (of kilograms, if they were overweight, or of no-good people in their life or such..) Lose something, win something better...?

What would it take for your life to be 'successful' and 'a good life'? And feel that way too?
Maybe things to think about... ((hugs))

No i dont think any of you are mean or judgemental. i was talking about people in real life, those so called professionals. i didnt get in a fight with anyone or anything like that. i just dont feel i deserve to live. im just weak. and this stupid movie of my life wont stop playing over and over in my head. i cannot escape! now im starting to have dreams about it too. im afraid to sleep now because of the dreams. i wake up screaming and my body actually hurts! dreaming of my step dad beating on me. but forget about dreams and movies. im a life ruiner and a loser so i just dont want to live.

 

[Feathers]

Oh honey!! ((hugs))

Just being a chicken is no reason for you to become worm food or fish food right now!!
Besides, being cremated isn't eco-friendly either!!

(I used to hope for a similar non-funeral but then found out it wasn't eco so now I hope they'll develop more eco-friendly procedures here by the time I'm dead!!)

It took me more than a month to call some people and I only did it with encouragement and cause it was sorta a deadline.. So I'm a chicken too..
Do you mean I need to become fish food right away too??

Please check the links I sent you above and try to get the book.. (Are you a member of the local library yet? Often it can be for free if you are a student or broke, check the options.. You can check their website first..)

It's normal to be scared to call strangers.. A lot of people are.. My sister too.. And many other people on this board..

There are ways to get better even without help of others, it may just mean more work on your own.. And I didn't know if you like reading or not?

In time you may get brave enough to meet up the people or call too.. Meanwhile, you can google the groups, see if you can google up the people who lead the workshops too? (It helps me if I see a picture of someone, to see if they look nice and friendly or not..)

Or maybe see if you can just write e-mails to them too? Or check any online support forums for those specific things we talked about.. Fife_girl said there are organisations where you can get support of volunteers by e-mail too, maybe check it out if you can find something like that?

Take time for this.. It took a while for all this to accumulate.. you don't need to get rid of it all and get better in one day.. Expect it may take a while.. And then you may be pleasantly surprised, if it's quicker than expected.. I just thought it would be easier to have RL people by your side too.. no need to rush, you're AWESOME for even researching this and willing to make it happen.. it may take time, hang in there anyway!!

We're here to be by your side too!!

Ooh and i was gonna call the people you sent me and also other groups i found but i chickend out and hung up on them. Im too scared to get help and i dont know how to fix myself so thats basically why i wanna become worm food. well actually my death wishes are to not have a funeral and be cremated and thrown to sea. so i guess fish food.

 

[honeydippedxo]

I try to think of kickin his butt but i end up feeling guilty about it lol. i do have a library card and i just have to pay a fine and ill try looking for the book. or other ones if they dont have it. i love to read =). in order for me to feel like im not a loser i guess would be to get rid of this emptyness inside. idk how to do that. i know im lucky to have my bf and his mama but its their lives i feel i am ruining. she could be thrown out if anyone finds out i live with her (she lives in public housing and is on disability and very poor already) and he goes through so many jobs a year because hes always late or running home early cuz of me and gets the boot! my fault my fault my fault! i will eventually make them homeless if i cant change. i love them too much im sick of being their burden, Dragging them down. i want to make their lives happy! but i dont know how. i guess i dont really wanna die i just wanna change but i dont know how. i dont know what i want or who i am.