...What I'm saying is that people with SA are faced with an enormous wall in front of them. It's not as easy as hiding by yourself for the rest of your life, and it's also not as easy as "just being with people."
This is more of a complaint, now, then anything. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of outgoing people trying to give out simple solutions to anxiety and depression that work for them. They aren't us. They need to stop acting like they know what it's like to be us. They don't know, and never will.
The problem is not people, being around people, or not being around people. The problem is anxiety. That's the one problem.
I like your style, James. For some reason it makes me feel good to hear someone else putting these frustrations into words. You do it well.
"Just be with people" definitely does not work in our case. We have to be selective... incredibly selective. So selective that years may go by without meeting anyone that we could imagine "just being" with. It's almost like we need people who are custom-made for us, and that's asking a lot.
As for hiding away and making the most of a solitary existence, well... in my case I've found it to be an easier option than being around random people. But it's still hard. It requires a tough, philosophical outlook on life and the ability to shift one's perceptions.
Solitude also works for people who are a bit obsessive, who devote all their mental energy to one thing that interests them more than anything else. People like that seem to manage quite well on their own. Personally... I have some things that I enjoy doing, but I'm not obsessed with any of them. However, I'm keeping this in mind as one possible option for me. I think if I found a place where I could be around horses on a regular basis, I could conceivably forget about people altogether. Because I'd be in my element.
The only other solution (for me), as far as I can tell, would be to meet someone extremely compatible with me. The compatibility would have to be pretty damn spectacular though, because I simply don't have what it takes to adapt to others. Being forced to adapt is a major anxiety trigger for me. It makes me press the 'Eject' button as fast as I can.
So... yeah. Finding someone that I could be exactly myself with, without compromise, would be amazing. But as I said... most people would say I'm expecting too much. Adapting to others is considered to be a good thing. I don't know why I find it so hard, but I do. I can only keep it up for a brief moment or two. Then my mind starts rebelling against it, and that part is involuntary. It just happens.
I'll never stop looking for compatible people, it's just that I get less hopeful as time goes by. I don't really know where to look any more.
