damndamnboi
New member
I have been diagnoised Ocd 2 years ago for recurrent washing of hands and taking showers. The compulsions dropped to acceptable level after some time. But after that i stopped my medication(prozac), and at the start of this year, i start to have obsessions instead of compulsions. So i went to see the psychiatrist and resumed my medication. I was diagnoised to have pure-O and depression. It was march then. My obsessions never disappear after like one month, instead, it seems to be keep evolving. Later on, my obsessions start to affect my relationship with my girlfriend. I find that i cant talk to her because obsessions are going up in my mind. I was put in a psychiatric ward for 3 weeks but after that my obsessions still carry on. I missed school for three weeks. During the three weeks, i tried to talk to people, my girlfriend came to visit me at the ward. I really appreciate their support, but my obsessions seem to be just creating a wall between me and anyone else, specially my girlfriend. Later on, when i went back to school, i find that staying in the ward actually did not help, but increased my obsessions. I just cant stand my every hour after that. I cant concentrate on school work, i cant hear what the teacher was talking about in lectures, i cant read my notes, i cant read words on the board, on the computer and i cant talk to my teachers and friends. So one days i decieded to inflict pain to myself to stop those obsessions. I cut my wrist and was sent to the hospital. In retrospect, it seems like the obsessions were at its minimum at the moment i hold the pen knife strike it accross my wrist. i felt a moment of relief at that instance, but once i wake up in the hospital and see the doctor, psychiatrist, parents, sister and friends. My obsessions come again, even more this time. I was terrified and depressed. When the psychiatrist asked me what was bothering me, i was only able to say obsessions. I refrained myself from looking into the psychiatrists's eye when he talk to me. In fact i cant look at anyone while talking to them. While i was answering wad the psychiatrist asked me, the obsessions continue in my mind as if i was talking separately to myself in my mind. Of course i never hear any physical voices when i am alone, so the psychiatrist eliminated the possibility that i was having schizophrenia or psychosis.
Following that, i continue my appointments with psychiatrists in another hospital and things just never turn well, i still cant concentrate on anything when i want to concentrate on them. I cant even concentrate on talking to people when people are talking to me(either directly, through the phone, sms and even msn. They are all because of my obsessions, and i cant stop them. Sometimes i even find great difficulty communicating my problems to the psychiatrists. I find that i am always missing out important things that i should have talked about with the psychiatrist after each appointment. I just feel more and more depressed and the obessions are getting more and more severe. I paused for minutes while talking to my girlfriend on the phone becoz i am obsessed with my obsessions. I try to tell my girlfriend what are my worries, but it just didn't allow me to communciate with her without the obsessions. So everytime i called her, she talks to me and i reply nothing. Absolutely nothing. So eventually she broke up with me and i feel even more depressed. I cant to school, i cant attend examinations and now i cant even wake up in the morning. Typing this post was actually such a tedious task that i actually took the entire morning to write it. I was relieved at this moment that i was able to type out the above, but now i am worried i cant continue typing this post. I just feel like dying everyday with those obsessions and depressed feelings. i can talk to no one except for myself.
My psychiatrist told me in my last appointment not to care about whats going up in my mind, but it just does not seem to work, i cant concentrate, i cant talk to people without thinking about those obsessions and i am depressed every morning afternoon and night. So i really wish if anyone can tell me whether they have the same obsessions as me and whether anyone can give me some help.
The obsessions that i am having basically are as follow: i always want to find out and organize my thoughts. I always try to think how thoughts come about in my head and i am always worried that they wouldn’t come since the psychiatrist told me that it was an "automatic reflex process" While performing tasks such as school work, i will think about what i am thinking everysecond. I am distressed with my previous thoughts, on going thoughts and worry whether they are going to continue to the future. i tried to identify those thoughts but in the end it seems like those thoughts are the thoughts of identfiying the preceived irriatating thoughts. INspite of this, i still cant stop obessions. I am unhappy with my on going thought every second, becoz they are basically nothing or sometimes i tell my psychiatrist, a blank screen is in my head. The existence of this blank screen means alot to me, it means more useful thoughts are barked from entering my mind becoz the blank screen occpies part of my congative ability. Every second that pass, i am obsessed with the "nothing" and my worries of the potential thoughts i have missed increases expotentially. Subsequently, i feel more and more depressed to the point i will simply want to fall asleep. But when i go to bed and take a rest, i find that i cant even sleep! My anxiety level increase expotentially in the process. The only moment that i find myself relieved of all this is when i am really asleep, but this can only be experienced in my memories since if you are really asleep, you wont be able to yourself you are not having those thoughts at that moment becoz if you are able to tell yourself that, you are not asleep, and you are infact obsessing. In fact i always tell myself while i am obsessing, if you are really not obsessing you wont know it becoz if you know it, you are conscious of what are the thoughts in your mind, and again the obsessions come back again. In my own opinion, i think my obsessions are basically meta thoughts going on in my mind; eg. thinking about what i have thought, what i should think, what i cant stop thinking, what i am going to think in the future and what i am thinking at the moment. Infact i will never be able to attain my precieved goal of having non-obsessing periods in which i am conscious that they exist. Because if i am conscious that they exist, i am again thinking what i am thinking, and i am in actual fact obsessing again. The circle goes round and round, life seems hopeless...
Following that, i continue my appointments with psychiatrists in another hospital and things just never turn well, i still cant concentrate on anything when i want to concentrate on them. I cant even concentrate on talking to people when people are talking to me(either directly, through the phone, sms and even msn. They are all because of my obsessions, and i cant stop them. Sometimes i even find great difficulty communicating my problems to the psychiatrists. I find that i am always missing out important things that i should have talked about with the psychiatrist after each appointment. I just feel more and more depressed and the obessions are getting more and more severe. I paused for minutes while talking to my girlfriend on the phone becoz i am obsessed with my obsessions. I try to tell my girlfriend what are my worries, but it just didn't allow me to communciate with her without the obsessions. So everytime i called her, she talks to me and i reply nothing. Absolutely nothing. So eventually she broke up with me and i feel even more depressed. I cant to school, i cant attend examinations and now i cant even wake up in the morning. Typing this post was actually such a tedious task that i actually took the entire morning to write it. I was relieved at this moment that i was able to type out the above, but now i am worried i cant continue typing this post. I just feel like dying everyday with those obsessions and depressed feelings. i can talk to no one except for myself.
My psychiatrist told me in my last appointment not to care about whats going up in my mind, but it just does not seem to work, i cant concentrate, i cant talk to people without thinking about those obsessions and i am depressed every morning afternoon and night. So i really wish if anyone can tell me whether they have the same obsessions as me and whether anyone can give me some help.
The obsessions that i am having basically are as follow: i always want to find out and organize my thoughts. I always try to think how thoughts come about in my head and i am always worried that they wouldn’t come since the psychiatrist told me that it was an "automatic reflex process" While performing tasks such as school work, i will think about what i am thinking everysecond. I am distressed with my previous thoughts, on going thoughts and worry whether they are going to continue to the future. i tried to identify those thoughts but in the end it seems like those thoughts are the thoughts of identfiying the preceived irriatating thoughts. INspite of this, i still cant stop obessions. I am unhappy with my on going thought every second, becoz they are basically nothing or sometimes i tell my psychiatrist, a blank screen is in my head. The existence of this blank screen means alot to me, it means more useful thoughts are barked from entering my mind becoz the blank screen occpies part of my congative ability. Every second that pass, i am obsessed with the "nothing" and my worries of the potential thoughts i have missed increases expotentially. Subsequently, i feel more and more depressed to the point i will simply want to fall asleep. But when i go to bed and take a rest, i find that i cant even sleep! My anxiety level increase expotentially in the process. The only moment that i find myself relieved of all this is when i am really asleep, but this can only be experienced in my memories since if you are really asleep, you wont be able to yourself you are not having those thoughts at that moment becoz if you are able to tell yourself that, you are not asleep, and you are infact obsessing. In fact i always tell myself while i am obsessing, if you are really not obsessing you wont know it becoz if you know it, you are conscious of what are the thoughts in your mind, and again the obsessions come back again. In my own opinion, i think my obsessions are basically meta thoughts going on in my mind; eg. thinking about what i have thought, what i should think, what i cant stop thinking, what i am going to think in the future and what i am thinking at the moment. Infact i will never be able to attain my precieved goal of having non-obsessing periods in which i am conscious that they exist. Because if i am conscious that they exist, i am again thinking what i am thinking, and i am in actual fact obsessing again. The circle goes round and round, life seems hopeless...
