This is where i am at. Where are you?

[yohannes]

I had SA for almost ten years. Since, I was fourteen now I am twenty-four. At the worst times my SA was so bad that I didn’t leave my house for straight month. I usually go online or play games until I go to sleep. I was afraid of leaving my house. I was afraid that everyone was watching me & judging me. If I had to go outside I usually never made eye contact with anyone & kept my head down, so no one can look at me. I felt inferior unworthy person. I disliked myself I thought I was ugly and no one wanted to be with me. I even try to kiII myself like four times and never succeeded.

I guess people say you have to hit rock bottom before you change. I made one very important decision “I will not leave with SA anymore and I will do anything to solve it”. My first move was to go back to college that gave me some where to be. I will not tell you isn’t easy, but I know I had to go to college to have a better future. Remember your in college for one reason for education. Then I started to read as much as I can about SA. That really helps since I realized that I am not the only one. That their are million like me and that give me the strength to tell my doctor that I had a problem. My doctor was very supportive she was my doc since childhood she was very understanding and recommended me to GCBT program. She told me that there was going to be like six months of waiting list. Then I knew until then I had to help myself.


One very important think that I started to realize about me was that I always try to act in ways that I believe people perceive me. If they were happy I was happy & if they were sad I was sad. I was out to please everyone and I forgot the most important person me. At that time my self-esteem was low. I think we all suffer from these. My main problem was that I believe that I need to be accepted or validated by other to feel good about myself. In reality self-esteem isn’t build by other it is build by me. Self-esteem isn’t the consequence or reflection of other think or feels about me. I knew I had to change the way I think about myself. I realized that I had many good qualities. I was nice & caring person. I started to feel better. Just knowing that I had control over my self-esteem did wonders. I had self respect for me and me new I have the right to act in any way I want & can express myself. . I am not saying that my SA is gone but now I can talk to teachers & even my school mate with much anxiety. Now I walk with confident never looking down & go outside with zero anxiety.

I have to give a credit for exercise for my physical symptom. Running and doing weight has help. I more relax and feel good about my body.

I will be finishing school like in a year. I also had just had my first GCBT session. Things are moving in right direction hopefully I will bit my SA in year or two god willingly. We all have the right to be happy fight for it.

 

[Stoochy]

good for you man and im happy for you.

but how did it change,you just applied for college on one day and went to school. how do you concentrate in class. and how do you managa to go to college everyday.
you left a huge gap in your story..and i think its a very important pasrt of the story.

 

[yohannes]

Well, I had a hard time in high school. I dropped out from high school four times. School had always been tough time the bullying was so tough I had a mental break down. I was so afraid to go back to school. My family didn't like that they told me that I had two choices I could go to school or get a full time job. I had a job, but the job was as worst as the school. I made my mind I will go back to school. At that time I was 19 so I went to an adult school. That wasn't easy I was still very extremely shy & timid. Even like the teacher made fun of me. Like one time I told my teacher "I was late because I had work" and he said come on Yohannes we know you don't have a job. I mean most of the teacher thought I was a freaking joke they didn't look at my work they just ignored me. I had to leave school again it was too much. I didn't want to tell my family, so I went out like I am going to school. I spend my time in library for 8 hour on some cases more. It was so boring there weren't any guys at my age most of them were homeless people trying to get some sleep. If sometime I didn't want to leave our house which is often. I usually went to our storage room & locked myself in slept their. My family finally figured it out and told me that it I had to work.

Work was one of the worst experiences I ever had. The manager totally hated me, because I usually was anxious and made a lot of mistake. At that time I was working at a supermarket. This was the easiest job. the people that work there didn't even go to a freaking high school. Like school most of them didn't like me they thought I was lazy & unfriendly. Sometime I hated to go to work I called in sick like 5-6 times straight. The people were abusive. I could hear ppl talking behind my back calling me crazy. The boss was so abusive he didn't want me to talk to my co-worker at all. I didn't know how to defend myself I felt weak and insignificant. The more I took the abuse the more I started to believe it. You kind of start to believe what ppl say about you after a while.
It was a hard work getting the diploma. It should have been the greatest moment of my life. Then it suddenly hit me this means I had to go to college & spend four more years of hell. I honestly didn’t want to go back, but I also knew had too. The first year was the toughest one I didn’t know a single person. Everyone was making friend easily and I was stuck all alone. I couldn’t concentrated in class at all, instead I was observing myself if I look calm or trying to act calm. I never understood a single word the professor said in class. When the class usually ended I was the first one to leave class. I spend most of my time in library hiding or eating my lunch. At that time I really wanted to leave, but in a way I knew I couldn’t this was my last chance. I manage to finish first year with a low mark.

On summer I was working in a factory. The place was hot and the work tough as nail. Most of the guys who were working there were new arrivals. Here I was a Canadian citizen with perfect English and I was working in a factory making $9.00 hr. The work was so bad you had to lift these 50lbs bags on skid for a freaking eight hours. At the end of the day my cloth was drenching with sweat. I couldn’t take it anymore at that time I knew I had to find the solution to the problem. I force myself to accept the problem. I started to go to the gym every day do weights. I knew I had to be big no one will mess with a big dude. Then worked on my maladaptive thoughts changed my pattern of thinking. Instead of thinking myself as weak I started to see a person who went through hell and came out. I also told myself that I won’t let anyone disrespect me or put me down, and I shall stand up for myself.

it isn't sometime to concentrate usually your mind wonders. One thing that help me is to accept that no everyone will like me and some will hate me. Worrying who will like me or not is useless. To be honest i don't feel anxious anymore when i am class. I don't care anymore I just do my thing & leave.

 

[Colin]

Hi yohannes, I think your story is interesting. Though it sounds that you had a harder time, I think there are some similarities to my story.

Before college I worked at a supermarket and preferred working in the cold backrooms, hard enough so that the boss never had to talk to me. I too dropped out of school, after first year of college in Toronto because of the anxiety and I played a lot of online games, staring at walls and stayed inside a lot. Did some CBT too. My dad told me to do something or he'd kick me out so I went to live at my mom's. I averaged usually 2-3 days inside for every time I would go outside but then I began running 10 mins at night and it boosted my self-confidence a lot. I was very bitter at the world around me for boxing me in with "anxiety walls". I decided that in order to overcome the "anxiety walls" I had to prepare myself to break out into the big world and maybe overseas in hopes of finding a niche without the "anxiety walls". I returned to school after doing some night security and I'm probably one year away from completing (I'll be turning 24 in a couple months, also am a lot older than most on campus).

I find myself going to the gym almost religiously (unlike never in 1st year) and less anxious in general. I'm still anxious to socialize and nervous about women. I hope not to lead a "normal" life after college even though I'd be in an easier position, since I feel we SAs aren't meant for a lifestyle in which we're still uneasy after working as hard as the other guy.

I feel our situation is the canary that something is not right with the way the developed world is. It's not the normal guy to blame, it's the way members of our societies are groomed to interact with each other that fails on our level and that can't be changed by any organization. We need to take our problem to the world spotlight, we won't bring change through pleading but through showing the world how key we can be.

 

[yohannes]

Yeah, I feel the same way too most of the kids in school are alot younger.

I agree with you in the developed world if you aren't like everyone else you are seen as an outcast. Being different is almost seen as a sin. I have tried to be just like every body else, but that never work. You can only be yourself. The main thing that I have learn from my previous experience is that I shouldn't care what other will think of me. At the end of the day I can decide what I feel. Now I don't really care if I have a question i will ask the teacher. People stare at me in class it doesn't bother me. The past experience has really give me a very important lesson that i will carry for a long time.

I also go to the Gym in regular bases and do long distance running. It has really help me a lot.

My experience has really destroyed my trust in human nature that is something i also need to work on.

 

[Stoochy]

yeah yohannes i can relate to certain parts of your story.
i really wish i could go to the gym too or stuff like that,i tried it though. but it was so stressing,because i was paying so much attention to other people. its like i cant control my eye sight. i just cant seem to focus at one point or thing.

 

[Persos]

That's a really inspiring story. I am currently at that state, where I can't go out of home. I'm livind an isolated life now. I wish I had the balls to start doing something. Thought about running in the morning for a long time, but just can't force myself - what if someone sees me. I always think on how people see me. I think they all think I'm crazy, that I'm a loser. I know working out really helps you with self-esteem, but I'm too lazy.
Getting back to university is something I should do aswell. But I'm 25 now. Everybody will think of me as a complete loser because I couldn't finnish it when I was younger. I'm so afraid of people now.

 

[yohannes]

hey buddy 25 is not old your still pretty young. Think about it this is your future. Would you sacrifice your future for something other might think about yu

 

[misterF]

Well I think you did really great. A bit like you I've been through a phase where I dropped out of college and didn't go out of my apartment for as long as possible and just played online games or stayed on the internet all day.
Now I'm better and I'm seeing a therapist twice a week doing CBT which has really helped in recent weeks. I'm now going to a small language class which is part of a plan to boost my confidence along with exercising, and the goal is to go back to university in January. I was already getting better but your story will inspire me to do even better, thanks for sharing.