those agonizing minutes before a party

[missluiza]

hi to all,
I think this forum is a fantastic way of being proactive about sp.
I would like to ask about things people can do to lessen those feelings of nervousness and anxiety that I, for example, feel before a party or social gathering with a person or people I don't know very well.
I'm 25 and have suffered from sp for about 10 years. Sometimes the problem has been relatively small, and sometimes, it has been debilitating, but there has been one constant;
before a party, or social occasion, I feel nauseous and dizzy, can't think straight, I can't breathe, sweat, blood rushes to my head and I go bright red, I tremble and want to get away, know the event will be hell rather than pleasurable and I feel as though I have no control over my body or what I'm going to say.
I have to spend a day or more psychologically preparing myself for the event and think that this time it will be ok etc. However, about 20 minutes before I have to leave or before the people arrive, all these symptoms come out in an uncontrollable way. Whatever I say to myself to calm myself down, it doesn't work and I have to resort to superficial things to be able to face the people; cigarettes, whiskey, standing outside in the cold to cool my face down etc. These things work for about five minutes, but as soon as I see the people, those horrible feelings of nausea come back with a vengence and I'm left spending another painful evening.
I have a feeling that there is nothing anyone with sa can do to superficially make themselves able to face an evening out with new people feel fine and fun and that the only solution is to deal with and solve the problem long term.
Having said this, does anyone disagree and have any techniques to calm those agonizing last minutes before a party etc? Any advice would be appreciated.
miss L.

ps. I'd love to meet or chat to people with similar issues, so feel free to leave email addresses!

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[Anonymous]

short term solutions don't work

hi missluiza,
I totally relate to what you're saying and go through the same thing when i go out. Like you I try to do things to calm myself down, but dont think they really work. The only thing I can do is permanetly try to make progress so that I can feel good about myself and be more focussed on my happiness during parties than on the opinions of those around me.
hope this helps, Mike

 

[Scottish_Player]

Party? whats a party? ive never been to one of those :lol:

 

[JWH]

Well, I haven't really had many parties to go to, but I'm sure many of us have experienced these symptoms in other situations.

Someone suggested to me once to try keeping a paper bag with you and breathe into it when you're feeling like this. Lately the SA has been getting better, so I haven't had a use for it just yet. Basically what has helped me is simply putting myself in control of situations and exposure.

 

[Yossarian]

Hey don't you be knocking cigarrettes and whiskey now!!

Well if it was me I just wouldn't go. However it's not so if I'm gonna pretend to know what I'm talking about, here is probably what I would say:

First, focus on all the negative thoughts and challenge them. I don't know what these are so onto the more positive thoughts (I think I can remember what these are :lol:....).

It's a party. Everyone just wants to have a good time and be happy. No ones gonna care much about what you do, unless you burn the house down maybe.

Imagine all the good things that could happen. Like having a good time, meeting new cool people.

Treat yourself to something nice like a new pair of shoes or something for the party.

What's the worst that's gonna happen? Someone gets bored of talking to you? Fuck them there not your kind of person. They can always talk to someone else.

Think about yourself, stop worrying about other people. There will be lots of people so you can always be as anonymous as you want. Plus if you don't hit it off with one person try another. You won't of lost anything.

The more parties you attend the easier it should get. So think of it as practice.

Don't set yourself any goals or have any preconceived ideas of what should happen or what you should be like. Just go there and see what happens.

Remember you can leave at anytime you want to, so if it's not working at least you've tried.

Do it for the sake of it. Stop being controlled by fear and start living life. Get back control, be empowered (not Npowered that's something else entirely :lol

Ahh what the hell do I know. These are just some thoughts. Hope you have fun if you go. Best of luck.

 

[Horatio]

I dont exactly get invited out to parties or social situations but I understand the feelings your getting

I too have trouble breathing, sweat like a pig and feel sick even just when Im around others, on a bus for instance.

Only thing I can reccomend is a drug, Lorazepam. It helps to relax me in those kind of situations but its a tranquliser so often makes me drousy and I find it very hard to think or talk once Ive taken one. The effect kicks in very fast and lasts an hour or so.

For me its a choice, either take the drug and turn up somewhere feeling like a drugged up sleep zombie or not go at all.,

 

[felix]

Hey, I know exactly how you feel. I resort to the same things as you really :?
The only thing you can really do is try to take your mind off it before you go (and I know even thats not much help because as soon as you have to leave it will all come back anyway). But try maybe some relaxation techniques like mediatation or something in the build up, try and get into a TV programme or listen to some happy music.
Sorry if I haven;t been much help....

 

[Anonymous]

i found that the bes way to stop worrying about parties is to not go.

seriously, is going to a party really the be-all-and-end-all?

there are an infinite number of other ways to spend your time. we're brought up in a culture where parties are seen as the ultimate social occassion and not going to parties makes you a loser. i have no time for this cultural stereotype.

before i had sp, i used to go parties, but i never actually enjoyed them - they were boring. now they make me anxious, but i'm not going to try to ovrecome this anxiety just to attend an event which i find boring anyway.

don't get me wrong, i really like some social gatherings (eg. concerts, music events, sporting events), but parties which consist of wandering aimlessly around a room full of people who i don't particularly know or like, and watch as they become increasingly drunk and obnoxious before vomiting across your back, where the only entertainment is some dreadful dance music, which is basically just a drum-machine left in an endless loop....no thank you

 

[Parttimer]

missluiza, no sorry i can't disagree :?

My doctors advice on this was to:

go 'floppy' ie let loose the tension in each muscle, particularly in ur shoulders and face and do some deep breathing (with your abdomen not your chest). You can do this while at parties aswell and don't be worried that what ur doing is obvious to pple around, try doing it in front of the mirror you'll see its not noticeable. Its worked for me quite a few times.

Best of luck

 

[Sempfy]

I know exactly how you feel, I've jes been told a couple of hours ago that we are having a housewarming party for our new flatmate this Saturday. Now I can't get it out of my head, thinking of endless excuses to try and get out of it. Yeah, it's so damn hard, I try listening to my favourite music, or jes trying to do ANYTHING to get my mind of it, but it never works, coz as soon as I walk out of my room it all jes hits me like a tonne of bricks.

Oh, btw, my psych told me to do the same breathing techniques that parttimer has mentioned there. I must admit, sometimes it does help, but at other times the anxiety jes takes over. I guess you jes gotta practice and practice.

 

[missluiza]

thanks for the advice

hi to all,
thank you so much for the advice, I'm going to try a couple of the techniques suggested, though I think resorting to medication may be the solution
Though, I said the word party, I actually meant any type of social occasion, sniff. I guess long term problem solving may be the only way to permanently ease those awful feelings. Though it's hard!
Thanks for all the advice. It would be so great to be carefree in this type of situation, the way other people appear to be, but at least knowing that some people have improved their social problems is motivation to keep at it.
xxxmissluiza

 

[Anonymous]

don't get me wrong, i really like some social gatherings (eg. concerts, music events, sporting events), but parties which consist of wandering aimlessly around a room full of people who i don't particularly know or like, and watch as they become increasingly drunk and obnoxious before vomiting across your back, where the only entertainment is some dreadful dance music, which is basically just a drum-machine left in an endless loop....no thank you

Totally agree with you :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

thought pushing

I've recently developed a technique that has helped me in that sort of situation. I am exactly the same as you and go through all sorts of hell when i have to face people. I realized that when I came face to face with someone, my mind went blank and the thoughts that came to me came literally to the back part of my brain, ie i could feel their energy at the back if that makes sense. A coupleof weeks ao i TRIED pushing thses thoughts forward to the front part of my brain and actually talking to myself about what was going on around me rather than what was happening in my own brain. I have found that this has made life easier in he last couple of weeks and will try and stick at it. I find that 'living
in the front part of my brain rather than the back part forces me to live in the outside world and not just exist in this hidden part of my brain which doesn't know how to interact with people.
Hope this is comprehensible,
ashton

 

[Breakaway]

Hi missluiza

Yes the dreaded minutes/hours/days/weeks before a party or social event. For me I got really bad and was at a stage where a simple family dinner would have me thinking for an excuse to skip it.

My biggest problem (in my mind - no pun intended) is that I can handle all the nervousness until a chink appears in my armour and I start sweating. Can't hide a physical sign like that and so began the domino effect. To get around this I'll mostly only buy shirts that will conceal sweat. Gives me a little more confidence at least.

Back to the subject....I used to try thinking through the lyrics of my fav songs for a little distraction. Worked Ok for me but I'm sure people thought I was a bit rude when I was concentrating hard :roll: .

Oh well......the task continues

Might be difficult to sing a song in your head at a party though

 

[Hamble]

Re: thought pushing

I've recently developed a technique that has helped me in that sort of situation. I am exactly the same as you and go through all sorts of hell when i have to face people. I realized that when I came face to face with someone, my mind went blank and the thoughts that came to me came literally to the back part of my brain, ie i could feel their energy at the back if that makes sense. A coupleof weeks ao i TRIED pushing thses thoughts forward to the front part of my brain and actually talking to myself about what was going on around me rather than what was happening in my own brain. I have found that this has made life easier in he last couple of weeks and will try and stick at it. I find that 'living
in the front part of my brain rather than the back part forces me to live in the outside world and not just exist in this hidden part of my brain which doesn't know how to interact with people.
Hope this is comprehensible,
ashton

*Sticks electric probes to front of head*...?... *whacks front of head with hammer*... nope ..

How do you do that exactly?

 

[Anonymous]

I think he means that he refuses to let all those negative and worrying thoughts that lie deep in his mind come to the fore. So rather than wandering around at the party with nothing but his negative thoughts swarming his conscious thoughts, he makes the mental effort to push them out of his mind and repalces them by simply becoming more aware of what is actually happening in the room around him.

It sounds a bit like mindfulness, where you distract your mind from dwelling on your worrying thoughts by concentrating on the physical sensations you are experiencing.

OK, you have to snap out of the mindfulness when someone starts talking to you but at least when no-one is talking to you, you stop your mind switching back to negative worries which can soon get out of cotnrol and you can find yourself spiralling down into a state of real anxiety, desparate to flee the scene.

I've actually been doing the same thing the past couple of weeks, but at things like meetings at work. I hate formal meetings where we all sit around a table facing each other. I get very nervous and fidgety and feel everyone is noticing at my nervous behaviour, which makes me more anxious, which eventually makes everyone notice my nervousuness, which makes me more nervous.....you see the spiral forming?

So now, when I fel the negative thoughts start to fill my mind, I force them out and try hard to focus on what is happening at the meeting. I still feel anxious at the meetings, but so far, I have been able to stop myself spiralling into my usual state of near panic.

The negative thoughts come in to my mind, I force them back down by trying to focus on the meeting.

After that big story, I've probably totally misunderstood what Ashton meant :lol: .