Total apathy towards my friend's new baby

[nightcrawler]

Does that make me selfish? I guess so. My mate hadn't even been in touch for about 4 months - that in itself pissed me off - then the other night he sends me a text (at nearly midnight - I was up for work at 5am!) to say he was on the way to the hospital. Then I get another text at 4.30am which had pictures attached, but my phone won't display them - I have to go online to see them. Anyway, I didn't bother cos I know what they're gonna be of, but I did send him a short text saying "congrats on baby". Then he tried calling me the next day but I didn't pick up cos he's just gonna be going on about the baby. And even if I have things to talk about, they're just gonna seem insignificant now compared to his news :: I've had my phone turned off most of the weekend. Yes I know this all makes me sound like a jerk and that I should be happy for him, but I just don't feel anything. It doesn't help that I've been very stressed out in my job for about a month - that's not an excuse, just that I find it very hard to be/act happy for other people right now.

 

[kilojoule]

Your feelings are valid

however your timing is bad.

This is nothing by comparison but Say were friends & you like fishing & I hate it. If Im your friend I wont cut you off when you ring me to tell me you caught the biggest fish of your life.


Having a baby is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) moment in a persons life. Hes your friend, be a friend. Ring him back. Be happy for him.

 

[Solitudes_Grace]

Don't worry about it. You're not a jerk. I never understood why people with babies deserve to have other people be happy for them. It's good for the people who have the babies to be happy, but it doesn't make any sense for their friends to be happy for them.

 

[Silatuyok]

I had a best friend for many years. Then she had a baby and we stopped hanging out as much. Now she has two and I barely consider her a friend anymore. Our lives are so separate that I don't know what to say even on the rare occasion when I do see her. I totally get where you're coming from on this.

 

[da_illest101]

I'm with you on this one. If he was always talking to you than I would disagree, but no talk for four months, screw him

 

[Hellhound]

Your feelings are valid

however your timing is bad.

This is nothing by comparison but Say were friends & you like fishing & I hate it. If Im your friend I wont cut you off when you ring me to tell me you caught the biggest fish of your life.


Having a baby is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) moment in a persons life. Hes your friend, be a friend. Ring him back. Be happy for him.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Hellhound]

Er... guys. The person has a kid now. I don't think they would have much time to do other things if they have to take care of a child. I am no parent, but I am sure a child takes a lot of work and time. It's a huge responsibility.

Sure, I'd be sad too if my friend had a kid and they didn't have much time for me, but I'd try to understand it, I'd try to accept it. They'd have a family to take care of, maybe a job and other things too, it's not that easy.

 

[LOOK]

Does that make me selfish? I guess so. My mate hadn't even been in touch for about 4 months - that in itself pissed me off - then the other night he sends me a text (at nearly midnight - I was up for work at 5am!) to say he was on the way to the hospital. Then I get another text at 4.30am which had pictures attached, but my phone won't display them - I have to go online to see them.

Well to begin with I think you have every right to be more than apathetic towards him - I think you can be p**ed that he was inconsiderate enough to wake you at 12am and 4.30am just to tell you all about HIS news, as if HIS news overrides your right to a night's sleep! Man, I'd be saying, "Hey, I know you were excited and all, but do me a favour. Next time you have a baby, I'll be glad to hear about it when I'm actually awake!"

Anyway, I didn't bother cos I know what they're gonna be of, but I did send him a short text saying "congrats on baby". Then he tried calling me the next day but I didn't pick up cos he's just gonna be going on about the baby.

That's what I would have done, too. For a start, I'd be worried that I might blurt out something like, "Yeah, very nice but did you have to wake me up at bloody 4.30 to tell me?" You would be perfectly right to say it, but probably better to not give yourself the opportunity. When people are as self-absorbed as new parents always are, they just never get things like that.

It doesn't help that I've been very stressed out in my job for about a month - that's not an excuse, just that I find it very hard to be/act happy for other people right now.

And this worries you because....? ::

Forget it. Nothing to worry about there.

 

[awkwardamanda]

I don't blame you for being annoyed. I dread the day this sort of thing happens to me. I don't like kids and don't get excited about babies at all. It's hard to pretend to be happy for them if someone I know has a baby. I'm indifferent. I don't think it's cute. I simply don't care. One of my cousins is pregnant right now so I'm sure there's going to be a baby shower in a few months. Ugh, not looking forward to that.

 

[nightcrawler]

Thanks for all of your comments guys. It's good to know that some of you see things from my point of view.

 

[twiggle]

A difficult one, but overall, I agree with this:

Your feelings are valid

however your timing is bad.

This is nothing by comparison but Say were friends & you like fishing & I hate it. If Im your friend I wont cut you off when you ring me to tell me you caught the biggest fish of your life.


Having a baby is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) moment in a persons life. Hes your friend, be a friend. Ring him back. Be happy for him.

You mention that your friend hasn't been in touch for 4 months, but have you tried contacting him? If you have - then yes, he should've put more effort in with you but if you haven't, then there should be no grudges.

Consider as well that he's probably had an exceptionally large number of things to think about over the past 4 months what with the arrival of the new one, and as result he's had less time for others. Its annoying but the number of hours of the day don't increase just because we have more to do.

Not saying any of this to have a go, just that it might help to understand his behaviour if you look at events from his perspective. His life has changed dramatically but he still wanted you to be one of the first that he shared his good news with. You should be happy about that.

With regards to your feeling about how your news probably won't compare to his etc, I understand that. You shouldn't feel that your life is rendered behind that of another just because you don't have a child yet and they do. Let your friend have his moment for now, and hopefully when the excitement settles down he can start being a good friend to you again, and give you advice through your difficult time at work.

 

[cosmosis]

Wow. Perhaps its the movies to blame. But having a baby is nothing like driving home a brand new car like its portrayed. Having a baby is the most PAIN you will ever feel mixed with the most joy you will ever feel. The closest analogy I can think of is someone being released from being held captive. Without going through it, you can not imagine the pain and anxiety you feel that your child may be sick, deformed, retarded or be a stillbirth. Wondering if you will be a good parent and be able to support them all those years. I would say it can be even more painful than someone who is held as a captive, because having to devote your entire life to raising a sick child can be harder than dying. That moment when you see your baby is unbelievable relief as well as joy. Would you get mad at your friend for texting you that he/she was finally released from some concentration camp? Would you say, how dare you for waking me up? Would you say that you don't care about their new found joy of being free again. I highly doubt it. I don't blame anyone though, I thought that way before I experienced it myself.

Having said all that, it is a little self-absorbed to text people in the middle of the night. You should know that most people just don't care these days. But it is also self-absorded if you can't share the joy with a friend because of your own pain.

 

[nightcrawler]

A difficult one, but overall, I agree with this:



You mention that your friend hasn't been in touch for 4 months, but have you tried contacting him? If you have - then yes, he should've put more effort in with you but if you haven't, then there should be no grudges.

Consider as well that he's probably had an exceptionally large number of things to think about over the past 4 months what with the arrival of the new one, and as result he's had less time for others. Its annoying but the number of hours of the day don't increase just because we have more to do.

Not saying any of this to have a go, just that it might help to understand his behaviour if you look at events from his perspective. His life has changed dramatically but he still wanted you to be one of the first that he shared his good news with. You should be happy about that.

With regards to your feeling about how your news probably won't compare to his etc, I understand that. You shouldn't feel that your life is rendered behind that of another just because you don't have a child yet and they do. Let your friend have his moment for now, and hopefully when the excitement settles down he can start being a good friend to you again, and give you advice through your difficult time at work.

Thanks for your reply - you make some good points. As far as me making an effort goes in contacting him; over the last year or so (since he moved in with his girlfriend) it always seemed to be me that made contact with him, rather than vice versa, though he would reply. Yes I know I should be happy for him, but as I said in my original post because of recent stress in my job my mind isn't really in a place to "be happy" for him, or anyone. If anything I'm doing him a favour by not putting a downer on his happy time!

 

[angelcat]

I felt the same apathy about my sisters babies and have always felt guilty about it. I just think all new born babies are gross and ugly, but I like them when they get a little older, when they start developing personalities.

 

[SmileMore]

Eurgh... I know exactly where you're coming from. One of my so called friends had a baby last year. We don't talk anymore. Mainly because i couldn't deal with having to listen to her talk about nappies (diapers) and her kid's toilet habits.

 

[twiggle]

Thanks for your reply - you make some good points. As far as me making an effort goes in contacting him; over the last year or so (since he moved in with his girlfriend) it always seemed to be me that made contact with him, rather than vice versa, though he would reply. Yes I know I should be happy for him, but as I said in my original post because of recent stress in my job my mind isn't really in a place to "be happy" for him, or anyone. If anything I'm doing him a favour by not putting a downer on his happy time!

I see, it's not fair that you've always been the one to make contact with him and so I can understand why you're feeling a little aggrieved. Going back to what Jewel said, I think it's for the best if you shelve your disappointment temporarily though - say congratulations, call him, send a card - maybe even a small gift, and then get back to your own life. The hype and excitement of this special moment of his won't last forever, but later on he may always wonder and possibly even begrudge you if he thinks that you weren't happy for him at such a special time.

If you were to call him/send a present or something else to show you care I think you'll also feel a lot less annoyed about the situation. It'll remind you who all of this is really about - the newborn child. Might make you feel less irritated about it all, and would also be a way to show you care.

I really hope that your job becomes a lot less stressful soon. It's very easy for our jobs to consume us and when they're going through a stressful phase it can totally ruin our everyday lives.

I completely understand the way you feel and would probably feel the same way myself, but sometimes we just need to ignore our own feelings and problems, be a good friend to those who need it, else end up regretting the way we handled things later on.

 

[angelcat]

I agree with the comment above. Showing kindness and thinking of the other person is a good idea even if you are apathetic. Sometimes you just need to act the part, even if you don't feel like it. It might make you feel better in the long run.

 

[OceanMist]

As far as me making an effort goes in contacting him; over the last year or so (since he moved in with his girlfriend) it always seemed to be me that made contact with him, rather than vice versa, though he would reply.

First, let me say that this is a tough situation. I'm not surprised at the mix of responses that you've been given.

My view on your situation changed when I read what you posted in the above quote.

Let's focus on this.....this guy didn't initiate contact with you for four months. I'm going to go as far as say that your friend is selfish for all the sudden wanting to talk up a storm with you because something signficant has happened in his life.

Many of you are saying right now, Wait a minute, Ocean, this friend had a baby!

Oh, I know he had a baby. I also know that the guy with the baby was being an unfair friend for four months, and now is looking for support and praise when he didn't dial up his buddy for four months. Hell, from what I've heard, the guy didn't initiate a single text. Four months is a long time people.

Whatever he was doing during that four months could have been important, but nobody, and I repeat.....nobody.....is so busy that they don't have time for a friend or intimate other.

This goes back to the dating threads. Same concept. In every relationship or friendship, there are two duties that must be fulfilled. Both sides must have a fair amount of call or text initiations. If one side is doing all the work, and yes, initiating those texts or calls is work, then one side is doing all the heavy lifting while the other side is reaping all the benefits while not putting themselves out there.

This is about fairness, which is something that I am big on. In a way, the baby haver is actually using his friend.

I know this because I've experienced the exact same thing that the OP is experiencing. A friend or g/f that doesn't care enough to initiate contact with me and then wants all this attention months later when something happens to them.

I'm glad you ignored him. Don't let him use you. I'd even question whether you want him as a friend.

The last girl who tried to use me in the way I've just been talking about, I gave her the boot. Maybe this friend deserves the boot.

I don't regret what I did. They only show up when they want attention....f em. Selfish people.

Friendships/relationships need to have care from both sides.

 

[nightcrawler]

Thanks for your reply, Oceanmist. Even though what I originally said was true (it was usually me that initiated contact) I should point out that when my mate did contact me (for the first time in 4 months) with his baby news, he did say in his text "sorry I haven't been in touch for a while" - I don't want to make him out as the bad guy in this! To be honest, I think the baby will be a pretty big wedge in our friendship. I've only seen him a couple of times this year and that was well before the baby, I'd imagine it'll be even less now.

 

[OceanMist]

I gotta tell ya nightcrawler, this whole thing that your friend is doing....it really irritates me.

You're probably right, he's not a terrible guy. It just seems to me that he doesn't care enough about you. That may sound sappy, but this reminds me of my own experiences.

Friends never calling. In my experience, friends would never call at all usually. One time I had a friend call me just because he was bored because he had to take a leak for a minute. I'm not kidding. That guy hadn't called me in years.

I just don't like the using another person for something to brag about thing or something to do. Especially from an outgoing friend. They of all people should know better.