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[Odo]

^That's a shocker!

But maybe I am just being sexist. Guys can feel like virgins too... and it is actually exciting. I wasn't trying to suggest that it isn't manly to be a virgin, I think I was just trying to be funny. Because I think being a virgin is mostly awkward! Anyways, it still sounds weird to me, especially when sung by someone who sounds really old and tired.

And I think the guy who wrote it is gay.

 

[Odo]

So yeah, they were talking about climate change on the news the other day and I got back into full-blown anxiety panic mode.

The last time the carbon content of the atmosphere was this high was over 800,000 years ago. And when it was that high, it didn't get that way over a few hundred years-- it took 20,000 years to get to that point, which meant that all living things could adapt.

The reason we are in the middle of an extinction event is because it is happening too quickly for most living things to adapt. And when species start rapidly dropping out of the ecosystems, the species that depend on those species start dropping out of the ecosystem.

They are actually trying to genetically engineer plants and animals so that they can survive this crisis. By 2060, things are going to be very very bad. States will have collapsed in the third world-- guaranteed. There won't be enough food, enough water, enough inhabitable space for everyone.

I am currently writing a story about the point where they start genetically engineering humans to be resistant to climate change... I really don't think it's that far off. It seems the cheapest, most efficient solution-- it doesn't require a lot of materials, or a lot of space. You could do it in a single lab-- breed an entire race of humans capable of surviving the climate, make up for the 20,000 years of evolution and adaptation that we won't have time to go through.

When you think about the Ice Age-- people were so much smaller, consumed so much less. There is no way that our large bodies will not be cumbersome in a climate where food sources are depleted and bodies of water are still contaminated by the mining activities of the previous generations.

There is just so much in my head now... I mean, it's one thing if the source of it was a conspiracy theorist but this is a global scientific consensus. Apparently Canadian students are suffering a similar form of anxiety... and I don't blame them. They're doomed.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I just watched this first episode for free of their new 9 part series on Showtime, directed by James Cameron on the subject of climate change. I like the way Harrison Ford is wanting to kick some butt over in Indonesia with what they are doing to deforest and kill elephants in the national parks and no one cares! Have you seen any of these yet? They really present some not talked about issues that need to be in the forefront of the debate.

Years of Living Dangerously Premiere Full Episode - YouTube

 

[Odo]

Oh wow Molly... I can't help but see parallels between the Syrian rebels and the southern US.

Scary.

 

[Odo]

So last night I watched a documentary on peak water.

Peak Water in the American West – Significant Figures by Peter Gleick

It has already happened in the western US... and it's of course spreading across the world.

Yet another reason why I can't stand the mining in Northern Ontario.... there is so much water up there-- pristine lakes that are going to be full of chromite from the mines.

Chromium is what poisoned the water in Erin Brokovich.

 

[Odo]

The Antarctic Ice Sheet is going to collapse into the ocean, and coastal cities are going to be flooded.

Huge Antarctic ice sheet collapsing - Technology & Science - CBC News

This means a 3 foot sea rise by the end of the century, and it cannot be stopped. I suppose cities might have time to prepare, but then... you never know. I personally would be getting out of coastal cities ASAP... land value is going to drop. But actually, it probably won't happen until disaster strikes... that's just how people are. And preparing would require people admitting this is real, which would hurt the oil industry. People are okay with hearing this as long as it's something far off that doesn't matter... seeing preparation might shock them into demanding better energy or not buying as much oil.

And if they did try to prepare, the people would complain about taxes being wasted or government conspiracies, or they would want to give tax breaks to corporations because that's what 'freedom' is and it's 'good for the economy', even though it's actually shit for the economy and only lines the pockets of the CEOs who axe as many jobs as they can in the name of profit. Some people simply worship the rich... it's a leftover from the 80s when people thought conservatism and neo-liberalism actually did good things for people... and all it has done is accelerate the runaway train.

It's not even anxiety anymore... it's turning to a sort of easy resignation, or a willingness to let it happen.

***

I may have addressed this before, but the way all of this doom and gloom climate change obsession connects back to me is this:

If everything seems hopeless and destined to collapse, that means I don't have to try to belong. At the very least I can content myself with the fact that I refuse to participate in something I believe to be destructive.

This raises the questions:

1) Am I simply telling myself it is hopeless because I am desperate to excuse myself from it?

2) Am I desperate to excuse myself from it because I truly believe it is hopeless?

3) Is it some combination of the two?

4) Does it matter why I am doing the right thing (out of fear vs out of strength), if I believe that the right thing is to not participate in it?

5) Is non-participation even the right thing to do?

6) Would the right thing appear as modern values suggest-- ie: dignified, righteous, conscience-friendly, difficult, requiring skills talents intelligence fortitude work ethic, etc.?

It's a sort of paralysis, not unlike the paralysis that results when one is faced with a multitude of possibilities and cannot identify the 'right' one. I go through these options on an endless loop in my brain, unable to hold onto any one with any degree of certainty. I can't bring myself to actually believe in anything... except perhaps that I love my girlfriend, she loves me, and that is all that really matters. I wonder if its selfish of me to want to escape to a bubble with her and block out anything else... not concern myself with the moral or ethical implications of how we earn our living or whether or not we're in an 'unhealthy' state by not connecting with the reality outside of our being together.

I realize that for the failure (the life-failure), it is easier to do nothing than to pick one's self up and get going and take some sort of action. But at the same time, the concept of failure is created by a society that demands consumption, demands conquest and competition and progress and destruction. So if someone fails at being a product of that society, is that a bad thing?

It is easier to resign one's self to a lack of opportunities than to endure the ordeals of getting what one wants. But is the right thing always difficult? And really, what if I don't want anything? Or if the issue isn't that I'm afraid of getting what I want, but that I will have to fight to get what I DON'T want, in order to survive, be independent, prosper, etc.

It's like fighting the dragon in order to save a princess that is going to chop your head off. If you just focus on killing the dragon, you know it's going to feel so good when you beat him... but you're only going to be rewarded with something worse than the dragon.

Really, there is no happily ever after-- it's just dragon after dragon after dragon until finally you're too tired to fight anymore, and then you're discarded and someone else takes your place. That is the modern hero myth... battle after battle in an endless war that wears you down and kills you... and all you have to content yourself is the fleeting glory of having stood and faced your enemy.

 

[jc972]

I hope you're not considering building your SA community on the coast.

 

[Odo]

I hope you're not considering building your SA community on the coast.

Haha!
No.

I'm going to build it in the desert! What could possibly go wrong?

 

[jc972]

Haha!
No.

I'm going to build it in the desert! What could possibly go wrong?

May i suggest the northwest? Seems to me like fewer natural problems and its pretty scenery.

 

[Psychedelicious]

Reasde

I've been dreaming of a desert community for awhile now! I think this is my favorite journal thread to read too, I really like the way you write your posts , especially all the off the grid type of stuff. I love the desert too, I almost feel like I belong there. I am sooo entranced by the idea of one these communities, and the desert part makes it sound even more enticing.

 

[Odo]

Re: Reasde

I've been dreaming of a desert community for awhile now! I think this is my favorite journal thread to read too, I really like the way you write your posts , especially all the off the grid type of stuff. I love the desert too, I almost feel like I belong there. I am sooo entranced by the idea of one these communities, and the desert part makes it sound even more enticing.

Oh wow you're serious!

Haha well I guess I was kind of joking because of climate change probably making water harder to come by... but I don't know, I guess people can make it work for them in the desert!

Hmmmm... I just looked it up and apparently people do this. I guess in some ways it makes sense. It would be a good place to get solar power and you could have a greenhouse. If people are going to live on Mars, it should definitely be possible in the desert... you can collect water when it rains.

***

In other news, Grey's Anatomy is on and today's 80's piano cover is a soft, tender cover of 'Take Me On' by A-ha. It sounds like the Coldplay guy... not that every ****ing guy who sings songs like that doesn't sound like the Coldplay guy.

And now someone is telling someone else how they feel about them... it must be the most formulaic show ever created. These people are ****ing geniuses at figuring each other out... and with all of the surgery and medical shit on top of that!!!

I get that everything needs to follow a certain structure to be engaging, but yeah-- writing for that show must suck an awful lot. It's not even funny anymore, just boring.

***

In other news, one thing I like about almost being 36 and pretty much isolated is that I am able to love things like Elton John without anything thinking I'm not cool. Haha maybe Elton John is cool.

But yes, over the past two or three years I have been drawn to lame things, and now consider the 70s to early 80s to be one of the overall best times for music. But then, I don't listen to whole albums from that time for the most part, just the big hits... which probably makes a difference.

***

Oh wow haha:

'Grey's Anatomy': All '80s Covers for Remainder of Season 10 - Hollywood Reporter

It was apparently planned... it's still a bad idea.

Now playing: 99 Luftballoons by the shittiest, saddest, most annoying person ever to sit in front of a piano.

And in the article, apparently someone is actually being paid to find this shit and put it on the show.... grrrrr....

 

[Psychedelicious]

edsxz

Haha yup, I see that you were joking about that now, oops. I have just seen and read a lot about of earthships and other similar type dwellings located in a desert setting and I thought they were beautiful, so that's where I drew my inspiration from. I think every different environment has its own benefits and drawbacks for this type of thing, but overall you can make it work in a wide variety of places. I still love the idea of this community though, no matter the location.

 

[Odo]

Re: edsxz

Haha yup, I see that you were joking about that now, oops. I have just seen and read a lot about of earthships and other similar type dwellings located in a desert setting and I thought they were beautiful, so that's where I drew my inspiration from. I think every different environment has its own benefits and drawbacks for this type of thing, but overall you can make it work in a wide variety of places. I still love the idea of this community though, no matter the location.

Yes me too... but nobody has any money.

 

[Odo]

Tonight I watched the news and there was a story about a horse on its way to becoming a triple crown winner... and it made me realize that the majority of humans would probably. never achieve similar things, yet if faced with the choice between killing that horse and killing a random person, they would probably kill the horse.

And then you think about what ants do, and compare that to what humans do, and tell me which one works harder and smarter and better. No one would accuse an ant of destroying the planet.

Not sure if I have a point other than people suck.

 

[Odo]

I wonder if people in the city would even notice the collapse gradually happening.

I mean, cities are designed to remove people from the natural world in every possible way. If you're too hot, it doesn't matter... just go to a place with air conditioning.

I found this article interesting:

How the city hurts your brain - The Boston Globe

After spending a few minutes on a crowded city street, the brain is less able to hold things in memory, and suffers from reduced self-control. While it's long been recognized that city life is exhausting -- that's why Picasso left Paris -- this new research suggests that cities actually dull our thinking, sometimes dramatically so.

People are also moving out of the countryside more and more to live in the cities... so it would follow that people are getting fuzzier, less focused, more impulsive. The Internet probably isn't helping... in fact, I think it's getting worse.

I would imagine part of the function of personal entertainment devices is to block out a lot of what's going on all around you... I used to listen to my walkman a lot more in the city, because instead of it being like this stream of random faces and all of this insane amounts of new information, I could focus on a list of songs that I already knew and could feel familiar with. I would imagine people sort of need that familiarity with them when they're in the city... some don't, of course.

It reminds me again of John Calhoun's Universe-25 studies with the rat utopia... the impulsiveness and the sort of short-circuiting of society.

But the density of city life doesn't just make it harder to focus: It also interferes with our self-control. In that stroll down Newbury, the brain is also assaulted with temptations -- caramel lattes, iPods, discounted cashmere sweaters, and high-heeled shoes. Resisting these temptations requires us to flex the prefrontal cortex, a nub of brain just behind the eyes. Unfortunately, this is the same brain area that's responsible for directed attention, which means that it's already been depleted from walking around the city. As a result, it's less able to exert self-control, which means we're more likely to splurge on the latte and those shoes we don't really need. While the human brain possesses incredible computational powers, it's surprisingly easy to short-circuit: all it takes is a hectic city street.

This can probably explain why consumption continues to increase... your brain is being exhausted with an endless string of temptations, and it grows more and more difficult to say no... and all you need to do is say yes once.

And I'm reminded of the study done on homeless people in cities, showing that they are already experiencing the health effects of climate change... while other people simply participate in the activities that make it easier to ignore, isolating themselves in private spaces or public ones that provide protection from the elements.

In the rural areas, the farmlands... that's where people notice the elements more. They're more at one with the weather, the climate, the seasons, the changes. They're more likely to notice how these things affect the way things look, the way things grow... how many bugs there are in a year, or how many frogs, or birds or bats. They'll be more likely to notice the stars, the moon, the sky in general.

I'm pretty sure that cities are death traps... if there is a collapse, it's going to begin there, it's going to be the worst in the cities.

 

[Odo]

There is nothing quite like hearing your mother tell you that yes, you were abused.

I mean-- growing up, you sort of just assume that your family is like everyone else's family... and even when you say something that to other people might sound a little off, you kind of just assume they're being melodramatic or maybe that it's just that their parents were more lenient or whatever. Or you just assume that even though it happened, it wasn't really that bad.

And even when you sort of know that some shit happened that wasn't exactly 'normal', as long as the rest of your family never actually talks about it, you can still sort of use that as a cue for how to feel about all of it. I suppose in some ways, I always assumed that if it was as bad as I thought it might have been, then obviously my mother would have been more upset... and wouldn't have come in and asked if I knew what I did to deserve it.

But yeah-- as soon as your mom says it, and admits that she knew all along, then it's something of a shock. Sort of like-- wow, I've never really looked at it that way before.

At the moment I think I'm mostly wondering what kind of person I could have been. I wonder if I would have done better things, or if I would have been more successful, or happier. I wonder what kind of effect it had on my intelligence, on my sexuality, on my creativity, on my nervous system.

I can't even say I really know... because I can't go back and prevent it from happening. I really don't want to see it as a reason to pity myself, but maybe now I can actually see it as a reason to talk to someone or to get help.

It's funny how just hearing those words come from my mother's mouth is inspiring me to maybe stop being afraid of talking about it and stop playing it down so much and maybe try to get over it with someone else's help.

Right now, I keep flashing back to that sort of dull, empty feeling that followed... sitting on the schoolbus and kind of not hearing or feeling or seeing anything, not even thinking really. It was actually like a moment of true peace. I think it probably relates to the fact that the threat of violence is always worse than when it's actually happening... and afterwards you just stop feeling that fear, or that pain.

It got to the point that when some bully decided to punch me as hard as he could, I could just look at him like nothing happened and ask if that was seriously as hard as he could hit... and watch his face drop when he realized he wasn't strong enough to hurt me. I mean, I've had worse. I didn't hit back, I didn't flinch... nothing.

I guess in some ways going through that can make you stronger and weaker at the same time... because eventually the numbness wears off-- or you end up being spoiled out of guilt so not only does it go away, but you start to feel elated... and you forgive and break down and then you just sit and wait for the next round.

Obviously nobody wants an ongoing stream of misery, but the ups and downs are also bad... because you never fully adjust to either. You get hard from the beating and then you're softened up so the next beating still hurts.

All meaningful discussion gets lost, no points are made, there is no communication, you don't know or care what you've done wrong... and then you look to your mom and she tells you everything's fine, just don't do it again... and meanwhile I can't even remember what I did, and I feel like I've lost a really large piece of my potential as a human being.

But yeah, it's kind of a good thing to hear because maybe now I can actually stop blaming myself for these things and try to get over them.

 

[Odo]

I know there's a difference between social phobia and cowardice, but sometimes I really have to wonder if one serves as an excuse for the other, or if they cause each other.

I guess it's not exactly cowardice if I feel nervous buying groceries. I mean, it's not like I'm afraid of the groceries, or thinking that I will actually care about what the cashier thinks of me in a few hours. So why do I feel such a sense of dread? Am I brave for doing it despite my anxieties, or a coward for letting the anxieties creep in in the first place?

The other day I blew up at my dad after he basically called me a loser who has wasted the last 14 years of my life. I mean, I really laid into him... I guess he deserved it, but am I a coward for letting my emotions explode or am I not a coward because I confronted him? I would say that it felt better to force him to realize how alone he is and his effect on people, but to be honest, he's so ****ing stupid and so into his routines that I don't think he would even realize.

I suppose avoidants are pretty much compulsive cowards in some way. Not doing something out of fear is pretty much the definition of cowardice. But I suppose panic isn't exactly the same thing as fear. I suppose it's easy not to be a coward if you feel just a normal amount of fear-- but do you feel normal amounts of fear because you're controlling it, or because you're just wired that way?

I don't think it's particularly brave to act in accordance to a more socially acceptable nature. If your childhood was good, your adolescence was good and everything unfolded just as it should... do you think that person is brave for getting everything they want in life? I don't. I think they're lucky. I guess there are people who go to great lengths to overcome their obstacles... but do they do it on their own? I don't think so.

My parents like to watch the show 'The Little People' about dwarves/midgets who are both successful despite their physical disadvantages. And yes, it is good for them... but they were also born to well off parents who didn't beat them. And physical handicaps mean you get cut a degree of slack as well. Are they truly inspirations? Haha sometimes I think my parents watch them raising their children and realize that they made a lot of mistakes with my sister and I. But then, I don't think that too many parents would resort to violence or abuse when their children are very young... they would have to be pretty monstrous to do that. The hard part is when your kids aren't cute anymore and no longer depend on you and look to you constantly for praise and encouragement, and when they start eating more food and needing more independence, and start testing your rules. So yes, perspective is important.

I lived abroad for a decade-- but was it because I was afraid of living here or because I wanted to challenge myself? I would say it was probably definitely a fear of simply remaining and existing and not really ever doing anything much more than that. So am I a coward for not taking charge of my situation back home?

I look at how I lived my life abroad and I'm not so sure. There was a lot of time spent at home, isolated, not going out, not seeing things... but I guess there was also quite a bit of seeing things as well. It sort of defeats the purpose of going abroad if you spend most of your time at home, hidden away, not integrating.

And then beyond just the initial experience... I can't say I took pains to integrate, so maybe that should be a regret, but it's not because I don't know exactly what I was missing. And a lot of the things I learned, I didn't retain.

I also think back to high school, and every time I didn't stand up for myself, or fight because someone was messing with me... there were quite a few. And even when I was very very young, when I tried to stand up to the neighborhood bully and was knocked down into the stones. I thought I would win because I was good and he was bad-- but it didn't happen. That was quite a shock, I must say.

Overall, I think cowardice as a concept is probably obsolete... it applies mostly to war situations as a social shaming tactic. If you don't want to fight in this war, if you don't submit to our commands, if you run away from the fight we need to win-- you will face endless shame and the disgust of your comrades... and not only your comrades, but the enemy as well.

It's not something people... well, men... should be thinking about anymore.
But of course, they can't help it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I just finished some work related stuff and was happy to see a new post on your thread and read it right away because I enjoy reading your thoughts.

One word. Wow!

Incredibly thought-provoking and articulate as always! Not one bit of what you wrote didn't make me think, Odo.

Being that I still cannot figure out how to do the multi quote thing I will say this-the last bit you wrote about the impact of a single violent act on a child possibly effecting them their entire lives is really profound.

Also the bit about cowardice and such...it's all so incredibly loaded! Damn you for making me think!!

You need to be script writing some very intense characters btw that's an order.

Oh they watch that show about the little people? That is very popular-do you think it's because of the German term "schadenfreude"? Oh but you say they are successful on the show....I am sure the root of it is possibly schadenfreude, for most people to enjoy it anyways.

 

[Odo]

I think I am done with my father.

Maybe this is selfish, but I can't think of too many reasons to have him in my life anymore. I have already bought a plane ticket and am leaving this house in a few weeks. I have promised myself that I will never return. I need to keep this promise.

Living here has become oppressive. I'm too old, and my parents are too controlling. I think more than ever before, living here for this year has clued me in to all of the little ways both of them erode my self esteem. All the little manipulative tactics they have of making me feel incompetent or incapable.

The worst is always my dad.

When I was growing up, he was one of those 'always right' types... which wouldn't have been so objectionable if he wasn't so stupid, or so violent, or so utterly out of touch with the rest of the world. Like me, he loved being the life of the party and was a completely different person around his friends... it was always important to present that image to the world. But at the same time, he was so clueless about things... we would go to the city and end up in sketchy parts of town, eating in disgusting restaurants because he didn't realize that there weren't any other families there-- things like that. We would be so out of place most of the time. He would give ridiculous advice about things he didn't understand, and no one would call him out on it when he was wrong.

Even when he was punching me when I was 8 and had my hands up over my face or was curled up in a ball on the carpet, he never had to apologize, was always right. He was supported by my mother in this sort of strange way... she never really wanted to tell me he was wrong, but I sort of knew she wasn't too happy about it. After the beatings (and they were beatings), I was sent to my room to think about what I had done. And the thing is, it never worked-- I wasn't deterred, I just got even more pissed off and my behavior got increasingly worse. And the response was of course, more beatings... and they got more and more violent.

Later on in life I developed a lot of violent feelings towards him that have never really gone away, and often creep up on me in the middle of the night. I picture beating him senseless, or even to death. No one would ever consider me to be a violent person but I get into these moods where I need to punch things... my bed, my pillow, etc. Sometimes I feel the need to break things... I actually smashed a perfectly good pair of headphones on my bathroom floor a few months ago-- it wasn't exactly enough, but I didn't feel at all bad about it. I can't explain where the rage comes from... there's no real pattern. Sometimes it's just little frustrations about things not going the way they should, and it then ties back to my dad in my head somehow. I won't ever hurt anyone I love, but sometimes I am afraid of that.

***

My mother took me to therapy not long after the beatings started-- possibly when they were at their worst, or maybe before. Maybe they were happening while I was in therapy? I can't really remember.

Anyways, I'm not sure exactly what else she thought the problem might have been. It seems pretty ****ing obvious to me now that if you beat a kid with your fists and do other ****ed up things that I don't want to talk about right now... the kid will end up with behavioral problems. But I guess at the time (late 80s, early 90s), this wasn't common knowledge. But I think it was for most people, just not backwards retards like my dad. To be honest, it's actually pretty funny-- how could anyone actually be so clueless as to think taking me to therapy wasn't going to point to my dad as the reason for all of my behavioral issues?

I was pretty pissed off that I had to go and was pretty much shut down for the whole thing... and one day I remember my mom saying to me that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. At the time I thought it might have been because she didn't think it was working or because I obviously wasn't comfortable there... I said okay, because it really wasn't fun and it was a long way to go.

But now I'm thinking it might have been because the therapist asked her questions that she didn't like, and she realized that my dad could have gotten into some serious trouble for all of the shit he did to me, and she didn't want that to happen. I remember the therapist once told me to draw a picture and I drew a picture of a superhero with huge muscles... and he asked me if it was because I wanted to be like that guy. I guess I said no or I didn't know, but I'm pretty sure eventually he tied it to the fact that I wished I could fight back when my dad was hitting me all the time. There was a group session not long after that, but I was even more shut down in that one. Maybe he was catching on? He did deal with a lot of abused kids... they were worse than I was though. I mean, they had a lot of serious, serious issues and couldn't even live at home. I reallly didn't want to be like them... ad just being there pissed me off. One of the boys tried to talk to me and I was rude, because I was afraid that I was like him. But he was actually a really nice kid.

Anyways, after the therapy time ended, my dad didn't beat me anymore. He was still an ******* for the most part, but he didn't physically beat me. And I think I got better. My self-esteem was much lower, I didn't want to do public speaking anymore, I was too afraid to do drama, and my grades were middling in most subjects (whereas before I had been getting straight A's)... but I didn't act up and I was merely depressed instead of being violently desperately sad and 'disturbed'. I can't remember if I took pills or not... maybe I did.

I think that was a sort of turning point, to be honest. Even though some damage was done, it could have been a lot worse. I sort of settled into a 'keep your head down' groove and basically disappeared into the exact middle. I went out of my way to fit in, disappear or not stand out like I used to. For better or worse, that is who I am today.

So yes, I think it was a perfect storm of events in those crucial years in the early stages of ****rty that made me the way I am now... a mix of domestic violence, nastiness at school, a sort of nerdy, feminine, unlikable personality... and horrible teachers.

I sometimes wonder if kids are really that fragile that say 30 seconds of cowering in fear on the carpet as your dad punches you all over can become like a defining moment of your life to the point where you never want to take yourself out of that ball, or put your hands down, or actually look around you and feel or sense what's going on... you just nervously, desperately try to block everything out and get through the rest of your life.

To be honest, I don't think I understand my father very much even to this day... he started keeping his distance from me and I did the same with him, and I think I'm better for it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

My Dad abused me a few times growing up. Really shook me to the core. My mom never thought anything of it, or questioned it. That was a Dad's duty. He was cold, distant most of the time but very intelligent. He and I were very alike in that I was introverted too, and I loved to talk to him about stuff for hours. But the violence is ultimately what made me move out at 19 and never want to go back. Him having passed away in 2009, I have no bad feelings at all about him now really,.... But me living there was toxic by the time I turned 16. He was violent to my brothers too though so I wasn't singled out at all.
I remember our final confrontation when I really experienced "Zen" for lack of a better word. He was yelling at me in the yard till he was red in the face. I had my bags, literally bags, packed and was getting ready to leave in a hurry his violence had been escalating and I was moving across the country. I had some power in me from somewhere and I didn't let him and his raging scare me or effect me and I didn't stoop to his level of violence. I was so proud of myself at that moment. I felt I had conquered yrs of him scaring me into submission at that moment. It's like the opposite can happen too...Something horrible can make you cower and kill your self esteem and something so powerful from deep inside you can erase it all in the same brief moment of time. Ugh will does it all have to be so damn painful?!!

So excited for you and your new adventures =) I will be wanting updates!