Urgent help needed!

[BelovedAunt]

I'm in need of a bit of advice from my new friends here on this forum.

This afternoon my sister brought her daughter over to my house so that she could go out and do a little Christmas shopping alone. I always look forward to my niece's visits as she is often the only person I feel comfortable interacting with. They have become especially special to me in the months following my divorce, which is probably partly down to my sister's reluctance to let me see my niece.

Anyway, as I had posted elsewhere here today, I was feeling pretty, pretty, pretty good about this afternoon. I was feeling positive and really quite confident, to the extent where I was planning on taking my niece to the park for the very first time.

Things were going well; we had lunch (I make the best cheese and ham toastie, according to my niece's culinary expertise lol) and watched some DVD's and drew some pictures together. It was nice and we were preparing to go to the park when the telephone started ringing. I really don't like talking on the phone - I'm very aware of the sound of my own voice and become quite agitated when the phone goes. I could feel my palms become hot and sweaty and my facial twitch began to play up.

Of course my niece, as observational as any other four year-old, noticed this and asked me why I wasn't answering the telephone. I told her that sometimes it is best not to answer a call you are not expecting (especially if it turns out to be one of those foreign types), because you never know what kind of person can be on the other end of the phone. The incident spoiled the good feeling and we decided not to go to the park.

Anyway, when my sister returned from her shopping trip to pick up my niece, she asked how the day had went. Quite innocently, my niece told her why we didn't go to the park and my sister - who has never understood or accepted my condition - tore into me, accusing me of being "consumed by hysterical paranoia" and telling me to "go and see a f**king doctor". She said that she wouldn't be allowing me to fill my niece's head with my "unsociable bulls**t" and so wont be letting her visit me again.

I don't know what to do. This is exactly the type of thing that used to happen before mother's death.

Someone please help tell me how I should deal with my sister. I really don't think that I could handle not seeing my niece again.

 

[Helyna]

Sounds like your sister has more problems than you do, though people can be really, really protective of their kids. :? I think you could have given your niece a better answer, like "I don't want to take any time away from my time with you!" But that's done, and you can't take it back. I would apologize to your sister as sweetly as you can - yes, give her what she wants. I'm probably judging her too quickly, but I'm not sure she'll be reasonable otherwise. :roll: You really need to have time with your niece. It's not fair to take her away from you.

 

[Snagglepaps]

Just wait 'til she needs a babysitter next time, then tell her you can't do it 'cos 'the Tivo guy is here'.

 

[kayelle]

That's awful. I hope your sister can learn to understand your condition.
What I would suggest is that you do go to a doctor, as in go to a therapist, and ask your sister to come along to one of your appointments. She obviously has no understanding of your problem, which is fair enough as it's fairly irrational for people ho haven't experienced it. I think maybe if she went to a therapist with you she could understand and have it explained to her somewhat.
I hope she will come, for your relationship with her and your little niece.
Good luck!

 

[BelovedAunt]

Gosh, I'm overwhelmed with the depth of response you guys have given me. You are all so sweet

I had a little more time to think about my family issues than I expected today after being sent home from work. I only work a couple of hours a day in a charity shop (in the stockroom as I'm not quite ready for the shop floor yet!!) but I turned up this morning in quite an emotional state. I don't know how many times I tried to fix my mascara, but eventually my boss took pity on me and gave me the rest of the day off.

This happens every time my sister and I fall out. I always seem to be the one who bears the emotional burden of the relationship. Ever since mother died she seems to have resented me, almost as though she blames me for what happened.

So I spent the afternoon at home thinking about how I can appease my sister. If not for herself or me then at least for my niece, who I cannot bear to be without over the miserable festive season.

I've decided that I am going to write my sister a letter explaining why I do not trust people over the telephone, people in the street, people at social functions or people whose full name I do not know. I'm going to explain to her why it is not paranoia but rather simple common sense and safety to avoid interaction with strangers. I will also attach an apologetic paragraph somewhere in the letter.

I'm going to take some time to ponder the letter, but I would greatly appreciate the thoughts of my friends here on the forum. If I post the letter here when I am done, will anyone be willing to read it and comment?

Thanks a bunch you guys
x

 

[Helyna]

If I post the letter here when I am done, will anyone be willing to read it and comment?

Please do! I'm big on editing/critiquing written stuff. Though I might seem a little harsh, it's because I really do think about the impact something will have.

 

[kayelle]

Ya do post the letter here! I i sent emails to two of my friends to tell them about it recently so I can tell you anything else I included.
I'm glad you're addressing the problem and taking the first step. Go you! I hope your sister will be as understanding and willing to change as you are

 

[Hoth]

I told her that sometimes it is best not to answer a call you are not expecting (especially if it turns out to be one of those foreign types), because you never know what kind of person can be on the other end of the phone.

It's perfectly okay to say that you don't like talking on the phone, and to say that the phone doesn't need to be answered (it's crazy how people enslave themselves to phones). It's not okay to teach kids to be afraid of "foreign types", whatever that's supposed to mean... sounds very xenophobic/racist.

Be honest. These excuses you're making up sound a whole, whole lot worse than the simple harmless reality of being afraid of the phone. Nobody has ever taken offense to my saying I don't like phones... most don't really understand why but they don't need to, they accept it. Same way as there are lots of phobias we don't understand, but we accept when someone says they have one. Don't pretend it's rational, that looks much worse.

 

[Satine]

I told her that sometimes it is best not to answer a call you are not expecting (especially if it turns out to be one of those foreign types), because you never know what kind of person can be on the other end of the phone.

It's perfectly okay to say that you don't like talking on the phone, and to say that the phone doesn't need to be answered (it's crazy how people enslave themselves to phones). It's not okay to teach kids to be afraid of "foreign types", whatever that's supposed to mean... sounds very xenophobic/racist.

I would agree with this. What harm can you actually come to over the phone, regardless of the caller's geographical background? I appreciate that answering the 'phone is difficult for you, but whether that is the case or not, seeing you fearful of the 'phone is going to make your neice think twice whenever she has a call to make in future.

Social anxiety doesn't really go away - I don't think - but it's worth beating it back to a stage where you're used to doing certain things (such as answering the 'phone) and are fearful instead of things more in line with most other people (talking to a group, perhaps).

Other than that, you could get a cordless phone and take it into the next room to talk on it? There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Try making a distinction between whether what you're afraid of can be genuinely harmful and what is your social anxiety playing up again. Looking at it rationally and weighing up in these terms might prove helpful.

 

[RanjinSingh]

BelovedAunt: the solution is simple. Pay a hitman to murder your sister, and her partner if she has one. As you won't have commited the hit yourself, you'll be in the clear. After that, you can apply for easy custody of your niece, hence being able to see the little treasure every day.

Problem solved. And before you say "But I can't have my sister killed!", get a backbone over it. She was the one who told you to see a fucking doctor. Does she deserve to live? No, not really. Sounds like your niece would be better off with you anyway. She'll thank you for it when she's 18, assuming you tell her about the killing then.

I don't blame you for not answering your phone. I don't answer mine, either. I'm always worried it's going to be one of those Scotch who talk fast and make me all antsy.

 

[Jeb]

BelovedAunt: the solution is simple. Pay a hitman to murder your sister, and her partner if she has one. As you won't have commited the hit yourself, you'll be in the clear. After that, you can apply for easy custody of your niece, hence being able to see the little treasure every day.

Problem solved. And before you say "But I can't have my sister killed!", get a backbone over it. She was the one who told you to see a fucking doctor. Does she deserve to live? No, not really. Sounds like your niece would be better off with you anyway. She'll thank you for it when she's 18, assuming you tell her about the killing then.

I don't blame you for not answering your phone. I don't answer mine, either. I'm always worried it's going to be one of those Scotch who talk fast and make me all antsy.

God damn it, I've had just about enough of you. You are one messed up freak you know that?

If I didn't have a thing about leaving my house, I would put you out of your misery right now

 

[kayelle]

If I didn't have a thing about leaving my house, I would put you out of your misery right now

:lol:

 

[BelovedAunt]

I told her that sometimes it is best not to answer a call you are not expecting (especially if it turns out to be one of those foreign types), because you never know what kind of person can be on the other end of the phone.

It's perfectly okay to say that you don't like talking on the phone, and to say that the phone doesn't need to be answered (it's crazy how people enslave themselves to phones). It's not okay to teach kids to be afraid of "foreign types", whatever that's supposed to mean... sounds very xenophobic/racist.

Be honest. These excuses you're making up sound a whole, whole lot worse than the simple harmless reality of being afraid of the phone. Nobody has ever taken offense to my saying I don't like phones... most don't really understand why but they don't need to, they accept it. Same way as there are lots of phobias we don't understand, but we accept when someone says they have one. Don't pretend it's rational, that looks much worse.

While I appreciate that you took the time to reply to my problem Hoth, I don't very much appreciate your insinuation that I might be racist. In fact, I find that remark to be absolutely offensive and, to be honest, my feelings have been quite hurt that you should post such a thing.

Is it my fault that I sometimes brave my anxiety of unexpected telephone calls only to find myself trying to talk to a man who doesn't have a very good grasp of my local tongue? I find it rather intimidating. Who knows what he might be saying to me? Or asking of me? Or telling me to do?

If you knew me, Hoth, and understood my background and the events which have haunted my life over these last few years then you wouldn't dismiss my fears as being "excuses". Once again you have offended me. There is nothing "harmless" or "rational" about the unpredictability of a stranger. There is nothing "harmless" or "rational" about people, even if they are communicating over a telephone. People have many ways of hurting you.

RanjinSingh: Your suggestion is also appreciated. But while my sister might sometimes frustrate me and irritate me with her refusal to acknowledge my problems, I do not want to kill her. I love her. Besides, our family has suffered enough tragedy in the last year without me adding to it again. But thank you Ranjin for your concern.

I'm working on the letter, guys. Your support means a lot to me

 

[David_Attenborough]

I totally agree with you on the phone thing, Beloved. I never ever answer the phone, unless someone tells me beforehand they will call at a certain time, but that never happens anyway. I don't care who's on the other end though, but I just know if it's unexpected then it's bad news. If it's someone who knows me well enough they can call my personal mobile. I don't even know why I have a landline. And I hate talking in general, along with the sound of my voice.

Good luck with the letter thing.

 

[Satine]

I told her that sometimes it is best not to answer a call you are not expecting (especially if it turns out to be one of those foreign types), because you never know what kind of person can be on the other end of the phone.

It's perfectly okay to say that you don't like talking on the phone, and to say that the phone doesn't need to be answered (it's crazy how people enslave themselves to phones). It's not okay to teach kids to be afraid of "foreign types", whatever that's supposed to mean... sounds very xenophobic/racist.

Be honest. These excuses you're making up sound a whole, whole lot worse than the simple harmless reality of being afraid of the phone. Nobody has ever taken offense to my saying I don't like phones... most don't really understand why but they don't need to, they accept it. Same way as there are lots of phobias we don't understand, but we accept when someone says they have one. Don't pretend it's rational, that looks much worse.

While I appreciate that you took the time to reply to my problem Hoth, I don't very much appreciate your insinuation that I might be racist. In fact, I find that remark to be absolutely offensive and, to be honest, my feelings have been quite hurt that you should post such a thing.

Is it my fault that I sometimes brave my anxiety of unexpected telephone calls only to find myself trying to talk to a man who doesn't have a very good grasp of my local tongue? I find it rather intimidating. Who knows what he might be saying to me? Or asking of me? Or telling me to do?

If you knew me, Hoth, and understood my background and the events which have haunted my life over these last few years then you wouldn't dismiss my fears as being "excuses". Once again you have offended me. There is nothing "harmless" or "rational" about the unpredictability of a stranger. There is nothing "harmless" or "rational" about people, even if they are communicating over a telephone. People have many ways of hurting you.

BelovedAunt, Hoth was not calling you racist. He/she was pointing out that saying that you won't answer the phone in case of 'foreign types' sounds racist. And I'll agree, that is the way it comes across to me. If you are not racist then it might be worth noting that this is how your way of putting this potential problem appears. It wouldn't be fair to make your neice afraid of foreigners, when all you are afraid of is phone calls.

As for strangers being harmless and rational, I would suggest that, despite any bad experiences you have had, most people have far more important things to do than hurt another stranger (ie., you). And even if they do intend to, they have no power to do so over the phone. How can a person on the telephone 'tell' you to do anything? All they can do is suggest, it, to which the answer is no if you don't want to.

I take all phone calls for a small business and I often get phone calls, sometimes from people who's accent I have difficulty understanding. You get used to such accents and eventually learn to 'tune into them', which makes them easier to understand. I don't look forward to calls where I can't understand the other person, but calls need to be taken, and I find incomprehensible calls relatively rare.

So hurt feelings aside, if I were you I'd have another think about the effect your comments about foreigners might have on the next generation.

 

[RanjinSingh]

Jeb, don't fuck with me. I might have not left my house since 1984, but I will take you down. Down town to China Town, brother.

BelovedAunt, my advice is top-notch. If your sister keeps being horrible to you, she needs to die. That's how I dealt with all my enemies, pre-`84.

 

[Nick_Cotton]

RanjinSingh makes quite alot of valid points in his reply, my great aunt carly did something quite similar back in the 1940's or so the folklore in my family says

 

[miss_amy]

I think your letter is a good idea..even if she still doesnt understand after it, I find my family still dont, but at least you have tried.

I'm sure your sis will come round about you having your neice. Being a mum myself, believe me, those child free shopping trips will be too much temptation for her not to ask again. Im sure it was just an outburst of temper at that moment. The things you did with your neice are lovely, the time together. Having a trip outside is not a necesity at all to make you a good companion for her.

I also understand about the phone. I have real bad phone anxiety.. Until recently I hadnt made a phone call or answered for about 12 years. Ive made small steps to change that in the last few months but I still have a problem. I dont have an active phone in my house any more because last time it rang I ripped it out the wall! and never fixed it.

I wonder if you could turn the ringer off when you have your neice around maybe. You wont hear it but can pick up and deal with any mesages later. I know a ringing phone would upset my mood whether I was going out or not.
People wont understand....yes what can anyone do to us over the phone?? logically nothing but in my world it puts a huge anxiety knot in me that lasts for a very long time.

 

[RanjinSingh]

RanjinSingh makes quite alot of valid points in his reply, my great aunt carly did something quite similar back in the 1940's or so the folklore in my family says

Your Great Aunt Carly was once in Playboy.

 

[BelovedAunt]

I must confess that I've been kind of avoiding this message board over the weekend. I mean, when I found this place it seemed like a God-send. To find that so many other people shared the crippling social problems that I often encounter was almost heart-warming, in a way. Knowing that I'm not alone despite actually being very alone.

Despite not knowing anyone here I feel comfortable in sharing some very troubling aspects of my life. I've never been able to discuss my agoraphobia or general social anxiety with anyone, nor have I had anyone to talk to about my family problems since my husband left (except for the police, briefly..!) Hence why I started this thread...because I felt confident that my friends here would help me and comfort me. And some of you have.

But gosh, I feel distraught at some of the posts calling me a racist. I logged in here on Friday and felt physically sick when I read Satine condoning Hoth's accusation that I am a racist because I don't feel comfortable talking on the phone to a man who speaks in broken English. I couldn't face the internet for the rest of the weekend and basically locked myself away in my bedroom closet.

I thought this website was for helping people....not for mocking and making hurtful and unfounded accusations. You people have no idea how much this has scarred me.

I was finally able to coax myself out of the closet this morning and I have logged on this evening in the hope that I can make a fresh start. If anybody feels like apologising for their inconsiderate remarks then I will be here. It's not like I'll be going anywhere (lol!)