PathWatcher
Member
One day in High school is worth a year of Adult Hood. How I wish I had truly understood that back then. I would live every single day of my life over again if I knew and belived that sentence like I know it now. How Much I screwed up my life, how much pain I could have avoided. How much praise I could have gotten. Now at 19 I understand how valuable those four years were. And I'd give anything to have taken them seriously.
To think of the days I sat in the back of class, drawing pictures rather then listening to what was being taught. Thinking of Video games instead of Homework. How I curse my own name for my foolishness. I could have done great things for I am not stupid, I learn quick enough when I put my mind to it. But to think of the days I wasted, watching as the clock ticked ever on. It almost brings a tear to my hardened heart.
Yet no mater what my regrets, I can blame no one other then myself. My parents gave me the freedom I demanded and I rebelled even against that freedom. Perhaps I not only ruined my own life, but the my parents as well. Perhaps my father wouldn't drink as much if he had a son to be proud of. Rather then the freak who gives him nothing but embarrassment. And I wish that I could look you in the eyes and say I was not an embarrassment to him, but that would be a lie.
My grades were not what a normal person would call horrible, they simply didn't exist. I can't recall ever turning in a piece of homework. Even If my parents forced me to do it, I simply wouldn't turn it in. Why? Looking back I can't understand my way of thinking. Perhaps I didn't fully understand that some day. That entire world would vanish. Since it was all I had ever known, maybe I failed to look understand the next step that my life was going to take.
I seem to be filled with nothing but regrets about my past. A child without a friend, who played by himself as the world moved around him. Its true I had my short comings, and a great wall stood before me that other children didn't have. Yet I can not blame my wall anymore, It was my crutch in adulthood to why I haven't amounted to anything. But one other child from my past had that same wall, and where I had help, he stood alone. He climbed his wall long after I had given up. His life is bright now, where mine seems to be falling into eternal darkness.
In my day to day life, I no longer get out of bed. Its Tuesday, but I only know that because I checked my computer screen. It seems that yesterday was Friday. And I can't remember Monday or Sunday at all. Did I even wake up those two days? I wonder. It wouldn't be the first time I slept that long. Even today I lay naked in bed, not seeing a reason to dress or get up. Soon hunger will force me to move, but I might go to sleep instead. I like sleep, I hate eating, Do I even have any food left? I know I was running out, but how long ago was it that I noticed that. This morning, or was it last week. It all seems to blur together, the only thing that seems real are my memories of school, and maybe even those are just dreams.
To think of the days I sat in the back of class, drawing pictures rather then listening to what was being taught. Thinking of Video games instead of Homework. How I curse my own name for my foolishness. I could have done great things for I am not stupid, I learn quick enough when I put my mind to it. But to think of the days I wasted, watching as the clock ticked ever on. It almost brings a tear to my hardened heart.
Yet no mater what my regrets, I can blame no one other then myself. My parents gave me the freedom I demanded and I rebelled even against that freedom. Perhaps I not only ruined my own life, but the my parents as well. Perhaps my father wouldn't drink as much if he had a son to be proud of. Rather then the freak who gives him nothing but embarrassment. And I wish that I could look you in the eyes and say I was not an embarrassment to him, but that would be a lie.
My grades were not what a normal person would call horrible, they simply didn't exist. I can't recall ever turning in a piece of homework. Even If my parents forced me to do it, I simply wouldn't turn it in. Why? Looking back I can't understand my way of thinking. Perhaps I didn't fully understand that some day. That entire world would vanish. Since it was all I had ever known, maybe I failed to look understand the next step that my life was going to take.
I seem to be filled with nothing but regrets about my past. A child without a friend, who played by himself as the world moved around him. Its true I had my short comings, and a great wall stood before me that other children didn't have. Yet I can not blame my wall anymore, It was my crutch in adulthood to why I haven't amounted to anything. But one other child from my past had that same wall, and where I had help, he stood alone. He climbed his wall long after I had given up. His life is bright now, where mine seems to be falling into eternal darkness.
In my day to day life, I no longer get out of bed. Its Tuesday, but I only know that because I checked my computer screen. It seems that yesterday was Friday. And I can't remember Monday or Sunday at all. Did I even wake up those two days? I wonder. It wouldn't be the first time I slept that long. Even today I lay naked in bed, not seeing a reason to dress or get up. Soon hunger will force me to move, but I might go to sleep instead. I like sleep, I hate eating, Do I even have any food left? I know I was running out, but how long ago was it that I noticed that. This morning, or was it last week. It all seems to blur together, the only thing that seems real are my memories of school, and maybe even those are just dreams.
