I wrote the following really quickly so it might seem rushed.
Well for me... my SA may have been caused by a number of things.
I will begin to list some of the things that may have caused it:
My childhood. I grew up with a very strict mother who wouldn't show much love. My parents divorced. I saw lots of crazy fights between my dad and his girlfriends. One of the sons used to abuse me mentally, and physically as well as sexually. I was young also so I didn't know what was going on until I realized it and started to avoid the situations more than I did before I realized it...
I grew up with the mindset of all the hurtful things that person told me, and made me feel like. Going to school, this mindset carried on with me and people picked up on it, so they thought I was the same way. Dumb, idiotic, stupid, ugly, etc.etc. I became fat and had to get glasses.
People pikced on me, and I was always the odd one out. I didn't like the way most boys were, who always liked to be deviant and talk smack about me, pick on me, bully me. I was considered a target most of my young life. In fact I still think I am many times as I'm still dealing with the history of always being "the target."
Elementary school sucked for me. Guys and girls were making out, fondling each other in bathrooms, or going to parties. I was never included. I was made fun of. I liked a girl, and once there was a misunderstanding, I called her a lesbian (actually I didn't know what it meant) because someone told me to. I gave her a box of chocolates for valentines day and she stomped on them remorselessly. I was more ignorant than anyone at that age too.. naive, or like , it took me time to grow up... and realize things. People having sexual encounters, going to parties, etc. like teenagers. I was still a little boy ignorant of the world and society.
I became... a crazy boy. I would throw tantrums in elementary school, walk around looking mad, and like a weirdo. Girls never liked me.
In middle school I was the target of a group of juvenile delinquents who would hit on the good girls and have them agree to sexual things without actually agreeing fully (but eh they were experimenting right?). Again... people doing things in bathrooms, fights around me, etc. I was still lost in my own world. i was a fat boy, poeple picked on me.
I fought one person of the group, and was crying the whole time.. even though I beat him up. I got into a couple other more fights.. one of them I got beat up.
Middle school sucked for me. I liked this one girl who was pretty much one the most popular whores of the school for the juvenile delinquent "gangsters" or hip hopers. She played with my mind.
So yeah.. I went to a dance once in middle school. I did nothing but walk around the entire school dance. I left. Empty handed. People would pick on me because my life sucked.
Girls... well I was non existent to them. Once you go through this stage of life to find out how girls really were when they were young and naive (and that a LOT of them don't even grow up) you start to think of woman as complete strangers to you.
So in high school.. I went to a school that was dominated with gangsters. Was kinda scary... I got into one fight in 9th grade and if I hadn't talked to the police afterwards and the school authorities in revenge i would have been beaten to a pulp by a gang of his friends with chains and brass knuckles and all that ****.
Girls never liked me. I didn't know how to talk to girls. I saw men being deviant and girls liking it.. so I felt pretty bad when I started being good to a girl and I was basically non-existent to her. still a pretty big target in these days. I never had a girlfriend up to this point. (stil have not and I'm 23 yrs old).
So.. i was still fat by 9th grade. I actually had a group of friends in 9th grade. I was still pretty much the odd one out, and I never got invited to any parties, or hang outs. It wasn't even on my mind for some reason but when I heard of a hangout I felt bad that I wasn't invited or something but this didn't coem from my group either since most of them were outcasts like me. 10th grade I went to another school.. I found a group of potheads who would like to exclude me from all the parties and hang outs.
So I just became a pothead. I would smoke weed with them every week or so. I found out my dad was also a pothead so if I didn't have anything to smoke, or do I would ask him for weed and isolate myself on the computer and play games.
SO yea.. all throughout high school just a complete mess. I was still fat by the end of 11th grade I decided to over the summer lose about 50 pounds with exercise and a diet. I still didn't get girls because I wasn't a freakin douchebag with all the chicks, or party animal, or some gangster or I wasn't "bad boy" enough. I was.. the pretty ****ing weird guy who always looked pissed, and in fact I was convinced I was crazy because my mom took me to a psychologist and he told her I had symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder or depression, etc. And social anxiety.
IN my 12th grade year.. I went to another school, after moving, and also getting into a hassle with one of the 'friends' of my group of potheads who would like being a dick to me and calling me names, and basically talking **** but his excuse was "I'm just playin". Yea.. after about a year or so of that, talking **** about me in front of women and stuff, I had enough and one day I slapped him (I didn't even want to punch him, probably didn't have the guts cuz he was still some what a friend). So whatever.. afterwards we stayed bitter. I seperated from the whole group,and left to another school in my senior year.
I was isolated. I would just smoke pot here and there and be on the computer in my free time. I also did martial arts (was in martial arts for about 10 yrs on and off).
*sigh*.
One thing after another it seems, all stemming back from one incident and just built up from there.
Then I looked up one day on the computer.. (around 11th grade) how to seduce chicks. Found out that girls like *******s, and want you to be a badboy deviant mother****er who's up to no good, cuz it's "fun" and it takes a whole lot of supposed "effort" to settle down with ONE guy so there's no settling down with the good guy till you're 60 yrs old or so. As long as you make it fun or something, or you make them feel good about it. Good guys get screwed over, it's the bad boys who get all the chicks.
In my senior year I kinda tested the "arrogant cocky/funny" technique on women. They liked much of it. But I didn't have any friends or anything so that soon died off. I had NO CREDIBILITY, no social status. Though some girls were attracted, I was alone, and that changed their minds.
One thing I never got down out of the whole seduction thing was how to talk to a woman because you are sexually interested in them without having known them at all in the past or talked to them before.
I had no experience in parties either or social events where people talk to each other for no reason or 'deviant' reasons either. SO I didn't really know how to do that outside social events like at school, or w/e. I never really did much by myself either socially. I was too ugly, and scared. And I had no experience.
I ended up going off the deep end at the end of my school year.... I had got into self improvement which started off in 11th grade actually around the time of my "PUA" era).
So during my 11th and 12 yr things changed. I got into self improvement, search the internet for material. Then stumbled across "spirituality". I became interested in occultish things, and conspiracy theories, and a whole host of disinformation and innacurate ****. I joined an online organization that believed the world was going to end by 2004, and that they had something to do with it, as they were "god's chosen" and of the most powerful magickians and sorcerers, so they were supposedly, esoterically going to cause the beginning of a new era and take over the corrupt elites of the world, and fight the evil powers that be, the illuminati, and aliens. We were supposedly being helped by another group of aliens and dieties from other cultures, and legendary figures. All backed up by "electional astrology" that would supposedly foretell this... ie, founding the organization/order on a certain day and time that would make it "successful", etc.
This ****ed me up. For the next 2-3 yrs after I hardly got a job, or made any moves to integrate myself with this society, and get into college. I stayed home just smoking weed, and becoming a mess cuz hey, the world was ending in 2004. I went off the deep end delving into conspiracies, trying to make myself 'esoterically powerful' for what was to come. After 2004 passed by (that was supposed to be the year I graduated from high school too, after I dropped out in the middle of the 12th grade) The leader o fht egroup said "if it's not 2004, it's 2005, if not 2005, it's 2006, etc". Finally gave up around the end of 2006.
By then ... I had lost much of the most crucial years of my life. I was 21 yrs old, and i had only gotten my drivers license then , and started making moves for a college. I had gotten a BS high school make up diploma around 19 yrs old already.
So I entered college. A complete loner. I was afraid to go out in my city by that time. Even for a walk. I would think, that poeple who knew me in high school would see me and wonder wtf is up with me, and why am I so alone. And think I was a loser , and make fun of me. That, and other gangsters or delinquents around. Even non delinquents, just people who liketo make others lives a living hell. Especially the rejection of the women who might see me alone, and wonder "what's up with this feminized loser?"
SO yea...about 2 and a half yrs of college, and still no girlfriend. That's where I'm at right now. No meaningful relationships, no friends, no nothing.
And I'm still a crazy dude into all sorts of weird things like conspiracies and spiritual things... but I also recognize that there's so much BS out there that I'm a skeptic of everything,and can never stay in one group of beliefs or traditions so, again the odd one out.
I'm trying to make a living but it seems hopeless.
By now people expect me to have had much experience on my belt. To be sexually mature. And mature in myself in many aspects of my life. I'm 23 and there are things i still don't know how to do. I fear that a shrink wouldn't give me good advice either or really understand my situation.
Since I'm into crazy **** either I can't find my own place, my own niche, or people etc.
So I cant just "GO OUT THERE AND ****ING DO IT!".
BLAH
I have a job now. It's my 3rd real job of my life. And I work in my dad's job. I wouldn't really know how to get any other job either. I feel most of the times it's about connections, especially if you want a good one that isn't obvious from the start. The ones that only "cool poeple" get. Still going to college for biotechnology and other biological things. or whatever.
I'm still a loner
. I start school next week and I don't know how i"m going to do!. I've been fighting marijuana addiction too. Or well. actually getting beat up by it. same with my father.
