Hi, richkid!
I understand your frustration. It is like running a race. Now, to run a marathon, there is a certain amount of pain that you must endure to get better (i.e., have a better time, longer milage, or better rank). Runners have to sweat and pant to get through the next mile (and the next mile after that). All runners have to go through the same pain. The difference with SP people is that we fear the sweating and the panting (i.e., we think that they are signs of a heart attack). It is certain difficult to improve performance when you are frightened of performing. However, I understand that frustration of 'trying to get better.' I understand it each night I stay home alone watching TV, reading a book or playing guitar. I understand it when I go to parties with friends and remain silent (I don't enjoy it). I hate that my silence and depression pervades all my relationships especially with my family.
Even with this SP, I going to run this race. My pace may be slow and I may move awkwardly but I'm going to finish it. I might have athlete's foot, two broken legs, a fractured nose, a torn ligament, a broken clavicle, a ruptured spleen, and a very bad bad case of halitosis....however, i'll finish. I may be mental and physical wreck so much so that people will not be able to recognize me from a pound of putrid molding flesh....however, I'll finish.................
I don't have anything else other than hope. (Hey, I can't depend on my looks. I have a fractured nose!)
P.S.
What does "Bollocks" mean. I really like how that word sounds. I think I'll use it myself!?! I just got to know what it means.