When you think someone is embarrassed...

[racheH]

'Embarrass', according to dictionary.com:

Synonyms: embarrass, abash, chagrin, discomfit, disconcert, faze, rattle

1 These verbs mean to cause someone to feel self-conscious and uneasy: were embarrassed by their child's tantrum; felt abashed at the extravagant praise; will be chagrined if my confident prediction fails; was discomfited by the sudden personal question; is disconcerted by sarcastic remarks; refuses to be fazed by your objections; isn't easily rattled before an audience.

When someone used to say to me that they 'felt embarrassed' I thought they meant what I used to feel when judged negatively. But now I think this feeling some of us get is always irrational, and so exclusive to social phobes.

'Embarrassment' is being aware that you are being looked down on in some way, and feeling uneasy about it for whatever reason. Usually there is a rational reason, because when people look down on you there are possible short-term and long-term consequences. E.g, a government may be described as 'embarrassed' by particular scandals, but they don't mean in the emotional way that social phobes get it. It just means that they recognise and regret the favour they have lost with the public. The regret is rational.

A high-schooler being publicly humiliated may hate and regret it for rational and irrational reasons. The most common reason would be the threat that humiliation is to social perks like good company, support, protection, just having a wide range of friends to choose from (popularity). This is another example of a rational fear of embarrassment that could be misinterpreted by anyone with an irraional fear of the same thing.

Basically, when we see someone go through social situations that they dislike, I think we more often than not misread the signals as signs that they feel exactly as we would, only less severely. This may reinforce the notion that our fear of disapproval is actually rational. If you really think about it, you can usually find the real reason for someone's distress. It's difficult because when we 'feel' what we think it must be like, it's hard to get past that. In the same way as if you fear spiders, it's very difficult to imagine how someone who doesn't have that phobia must feel when they're holding one.

Any thoughts?

 

[young]

Basically, when we see someone go through social situations that they dislike, I think we more often than not misread the signals as signs that they feel exactly as we would, only less severely. This may reinforce the notion that our fear of disapproval is actually rational. If you really think about it, you can usually find the real reason for someone's distress. It's difficult because when we 'feel' what we think it must be like, it's hard to get past that. In the same way as if you fear spiders, it's very difficult to imagine how someone who doesn't have that phobia must feel when they're holding one.

When someone is embarrased that doesn't have anxiety. Their feelings are no different than someone who does have sa or anxiety or depression. The only difference is that they are able to turn off or even cope with them at a different level. For them their embarrased and do something silly, they go oops. And that's that. For someone who is anxious those thoughts stay with them. And the what if's appear. What if I do it again. What if i embarass myself and make an ass again. The biggest thought that has helped me deal with sa is the so what. It's not an easy thought to master. But it has helped me so drastically. If i make an ass or embarass myself. So what i'll live. And tomorrow i'll probably do something dumber. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. If things in life were completely easy. Would you appreciate them?

 

[racheH]

The biggest thought that has helped me deal with sa is the so what.

Exactly. The same way as people with no arachnophobia say 'so what' to a spider. They ask: 'so where's the danger?' If you don't have social phobia, you also ask 'where's the danger?' But if you have a phobia, all you can think about is how it makes you feel. And that feeling is the phobia. If you don't have the phobia, you don't get the feeling.

I believe this because I've experienced it. I had a phobia of disapproval, and now most aspects of it have gone, I don't get a bad feeling whenever I'm disapproved of. Only when there's a rational reason to, like I'm going to lose a good friend, or in the rare situations that I'm still slightly phobic of.

 

[young]

Actually I have arahnaphobia, and I also had Agoraphobia with SA. I would avoid lots of situations where there were people that I didn't know. I was always afraid that I would make an ass or myself, someone would look down on me. Or that I would get sick.

Then I started to think, that so if i do. So what. If they don't like that i would make an ass of myself, or that they might look at me differently. Then they are not truly my friends. Friends are your friend no matter what.

I've also read countless articles and books on axiety. One of the first thing they talk about is your what if mentality. And how to change it so you can live better with you live. I'm not saying i'm an expert. But when I joined this site. I did it not only to learn a thing or two, but to help someone with their sa since i've been thru it too, and still so. Since I know what it's like to talk to someone who tells you that it's all in your head. It's difficult getting help from someone who doesn't know what it's like to go thru it. So you can't tell someone it's all in their head if you've never experienced an axiety or panic attack.

 

[racheH]

It's difficult getting help from someone who doesn't know what it's like to go thru it. So you can't tell someone it's all in their head if you've never experienced an axiety or panic attack.

I agree, but I'm not quite sure of your point. Do you think I am saying it's all in people's heads? That's not what I'm saying. Not in the flippant way suggested by the phrase. Only in the technical sense that fear memories are housed subconsciously in the amygdala of the brain, which is in your head. That actually is an argument for taking phobias more seriously, as a person with phobic connections in their brain can do know more to stop them being there than a person with no legs can make himself have them. They physically exist, and never go away. What you can do is form new connections in the brain in regard to the feared situation. They can become strong enough to be used instead of the old connections in the amygdala. In the same way as a person can get new legs that work instead of the old useless ones. It is a physical change, as real as any disability. I take it very seriously, or I wouldn't be here about it.

Your story is very similar to mine, by the way. Only I never read the books. I just got information about phobias from the Internet and drew my own conclusions about my particular problem. I knew I'd drawn the right ones when they started to help cure it. I think that understanding that other people's anxiety was not the same as mine was a milestone in all of it because it a) helped me understand how my phobia had developed over the years and b) showed me to not let other people's apparent reactions to things reinforce the subconscious belief that disapproval is dangerous.

 

[young]

I agree, but I'm not quite sure of your point. Do you think I am saying it's all in people's heads?

I'm not trying to imply that in the least bit. If that's the way it came across, I appologize. I was referring to when people make that suggestion or comment to someone that has sa, that it's all in their head. That they shouldn't be making a comment like that to someone, if they've never experienced the sensations that come with a sa.

 

[racheH]

Oh, OK Sorry about that. Like I said, I still get paranoid that people aren't telling me what they really think, even though the fear is gone...

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?