I can't believe that there are so many people who seem to have similar attachment issues. Similarly, I'm chatty and bubbly, almost hyper when i first meet people, but later I just can't ever think of anything to say, so I end up pushing them away for fear that they will discover that I'm actually boring. I never say I Love You to anyone, not even my parents, and it's a painful silence that I always feel guilty about at the end of every conversation. I just live with so much regret, I can never let go of anything that happened in the past. Whenever I have a chance at a friendship or relationship I panic, how would I still be able to hide such a great part of myself from them? For I am sure that if they knew everything about me they wouldn't be so eager, I can see it in people's eyes whenever I open up ever so slightly. Whenever I open up I immediately feel vulnerable and I cut off those people the most. It's almost as if I enjoy being miserable and alone, wallowing in self pity, and I hate myself for how pathetic that is. I never keep in touch with any friends whenever I move, I feel as if suddenly they'll realise that I'm not worth knowing. I get really protective of my friends, the few that I have, but I always feel that our friendship is uneven. I fell like I can never give back their friendship in the same way. I always feel like I'm a charity case. All of my friends ended up at med school or oxbridge or harvard and I'm stuck at an unknown uni. I'm intelligent enough, I just never do any work. I'm just not motivated or ambitious. I love music and I'll end up spending hours listening, it's the only time that I really feel connected. After a conversation in a group I'll think that was a great convo, then realise that I didn't say anything, I just stood there listening, how strange that must have looked. I spend my time daydreaming, not in real life. I've slowly withdrawn into my room. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy parties but I feel uncomfortable at the keggers here because I don't know anyone and they're all so relaxed. I've finally lost what few friends I had. I used to sail and hike and stuff but I never get out anymore.