Worried that I'm sadistic

[yesman]

In real life, I can be the nicest guy ever. I like giving others compliments, I like having fun with other people, and I dislike seeing violence in real life.

But in my head, I'm a completely different person. I regularly have sadistic sexual thoughts...I'm not gonna lie, I have thoughts about scantily clad women being humiliated. And the scary thing is that I kind of enjoy those thoughts, and masturbate to them. Sometimes, however, I hate those thoughts, and wish they were replaced by NORMAL sexual thoughts.

Am I a monster?

 

[Odo]

Every time I read your posts I feel so so sad.

You have OCD, man.... that's all. I wish I could help you but you'll just end up going back to the same thoughts over and over, convincing yourself that you're something you're not.

I don't know how to help you but I do wish you all the best in getting help for this.

 

[Flanscho]

I have to admit, and please don't be offended by that, but I had to chuckle when I read your post. Why? Heck, half of my female friends have masochistic tendencies. A bunch of my female friends complain openly about their partner not being willing to give them a good spanking or something similar. One of my closer friends is about to quit her relationship for that reason alone: that she can't gain any sexual satisfaction with her partner who refuses to be anything but nice to her. She is so frustrated and sad about this. And no, they're not freaks or anything. They're wonderful caring intelligent and beautiful people. My current partner has masochistic tendencies as well. I'm not sadistic myself, but I think it's nice to know that a spanking is one of those many things that please her, and why shouldn't I give her that every now and then if she enjoys it?

A monster? Hah. What does that have to do with being a monster? Sexual preferences are like preferences for certain food. Am I a monster that I like raspberries more than strawberries? You'd be a monster if you'd inflict pain on women who wouldn't want it. But to a partner who wants it, there ain't the slightest problem with it. Two consenting people can do about anything to each other. Who cares? As long as they're happy.

Of course all this depends on your age and on the society and the social class you live in and grew up in. I grew up in a very open minded home, and I live now in one of the most open minded society in Germany. And as open as I in such matters are also my friends. If I'd tell any of them that I'd have sadistic tendencies, which I don't, they'd cheer at me for that.

Seriously: as long as you don't do anything to someone they don't want, the only problem with such preferences are the ones in your head, originating in your upbringing and experiences.

I think it's also important to make sure that we talk about sadism in matters of sexuality. Not sadism in form of someone enjoying a small child tripping or whatever.

 

[yesman]

I know I have OCD. But the thing is, these aren't intrusive thoughts. For some reason, in general, I enjoy these thoughts, but I know I shouldn't.

When I was posting this thread, I was thinking: maybe I should post this in the OCD forum, because it might be that. But now, I'm certain it CAN'T be just OCD. Like, if I enjoy these thoughts, it's not really OCD, right?

And Flanscho, I'm not offended at all. In fact, I'm kind of encouraged by your post. I agree, we should talk about THAT kind of sadism, not sadism as in seeing little kids ruining their day. And I guess "monster" is a bit overdramatic, LOL.

Let me give you a bit of background: When I was young, I was such a cry-baby, but I couldn't manage it, I couldn't help it. In grade 7, I got my first sadistic thoughts, and I thought "What if there was someone else instead of me who cried?" And I began enjoying those thoughts, because it made me feel more powerful, and less like a cry-baby. Nowadays, I still think like that, although I am no longer a cry-baby.

 

[Odo]

I know I have OCD. But the thing is, these aren't intrusive thoughts. For some reason, in general, I enjoy these thoughts, but I know I shouldn't.

Part of your problem is that you're still a kid and you're still going through a lot of psychological changes. When I was your age I had all kinds of messed up things going on in my head and when I first started thinking about them I thought that they made me a monster too... but eventually I realized that these things are normal and they're just thoughts. As soon as you stop being afraid of them and make peace with them, you'll be able to control them better... the only reason they're exciting/terrifying to you now is because they're still new and because you're making them such a big deal by feeding them all of your energy.

I am seriously sitting here in agony because I know you're confused and you seem really scared and I'm sure it's really hard for you, but I can tell you're earnest and you seem to care so much about being a good person that I honestly cannot imagine you being in any way sadistic or even hurting anyone in real life.

Please get help for this... I hate to see you losing your youth to these kinds of things, even though I know that being your age is always going to be full of all kinds of messed up stuff like this.

 

[Bustn Justin]

I myself an easy going person and have those thoughts about sex myself. It took me a long time to understand that there is nothing wrong with me.

 

[myheartisastone]

In real life, I can be the nicest guy ever. I like giving others compliments, I like having fun with other people, and I dislike seeing violence in real life.

But in my head, I'm a completely different person. I regularly have sadistic sexual thoughts...I'm not gonna lie, I have thoughts about scantily clad women being humiliated. And the scary thing is that I kind of enjoy those thoughts, and masturbate to them. Sometimes, however, I hate those thoughts, and wish they were replaced by NORMAL sexual thoughts.

Am I a monster?

As long as you're not some sort of psychopath who acts on hurting women, I don't see anything wrong with it. These are just thoughts, yes? you're not actually keeping women in your basement, yes?

 

[Lea]

I have to admit, and please don't be offended by that, but I had to chuckle when I read your post. Why? Heck, half of my female friends have masochistic tendencies. A bunch of my female friends complain openly about their partner not being willing to give them a good spanking or something similar. One of my closer friends is about to quit her relationship for that reason alone: that she can't gain any sexual satisfaction with her partner who refuses to be anything but nice to her. She is so frustrated and sad about this. And no, they're not freaks or anything. They're wonderful caring intelligent and beautiful people. My current partner has masochistic tendencies as well. I'm not sadistic myself, but I think it's nice to know that a spanking is one of those many things that please her, and why shouldn't I give her that every now and then if she enjoys it?

A monster? Hah. What does that have to do with being a monster? Sexual preferences are like preferences for certain food. Am I a monster that I like raspberries more than strawberries? You'd be a monster if you'd inflict pain on women who wouldn't want it. But to a partner who wants it, there ain't the slightest problem with it. Two consenting people can do about anything to each other. Who cares? As long as they're happy.

Of course all this depends on your age and on the society and the social class you live in and grew up in. I grew up in a very open minded home, and I live now in one of the most open minded society in Germany. And as open as I in such matters are also my friends. If I'd tell any of them that I'd have sadistic tendencies, which I don't, they'd cheer at me for that.

Seriously: as long as you don't do anything to someone they don't want, the only problem with such preferences are the ones in your head, originating in your upbringing and experiences.

I think it's also important to make sure that we talk about sadism in matters of sexuality. Not sadism in form of someone enjoying a small child tripping or whatever.

It´s weird. I never ever had fantasies like this.

 

[Flanscho]

It´s weird. I never ever had fantasies like this.

Which is fine too. Some people are just not into it. I think though that the majority of the population is, or would be, if they'd be more adventurous or open to their partner regarding their desires. I don't want to know how many people are out there, who have certain fantasies but never tell their partner about it.

Well, I guess the only important thing is that people are happy. Regardless whether they have no sex at all, or always in the missionary position, or whether they have any kinky preferences. In the end, none of that is wrong, as long as all participating people are consenting adults.

 

[jaim38]

I'm female and I sometimes have sadistic sexual fantasies in which I daydream about a woman going through sexual and emotional abuse. I have to admit, these fantasies do give me some pleasure, but after I'm done with the daydreaming, I always feel ashamed and disappointed in myself for thinking such thoughts.

Some women are into sexual bondage, aka dominatrixes. They play with props such as handcuffs and whips. But sexual bondage is certainly not for everyone, such as me. I am pursuing spirituality at this time. My conscience tells me that sadism is unhealthy. I have no intentions of ever trying it out in the future. It's all a matter of personal preference.

Just know that your thoughts aren't you; just because you think it doesn't mean you are it. The first step is to acknowledge your thoughts and observe them. There's a difference between thinking thoughts and acting on them. Meditation could help you.

PS: Taylor's song “Trouble” comes to mind while I was writing this post.

 

[Flanscho]

I have to admit, these fantasies do give me some pleasure, but after I'm done with the daydreaming, I always feel ashamed and disappointed in myself for thinking such thoughts.

When I was a teenager, I had that about certain fantasies. But as I grew up, I noticed that most people have some sort of kinky fantasies, and that there is nothing wrong with them. And as I gained such insights, any sort of negative emotions regarding kinky preferences vanished.

But I'm also an Atheist, so there is zero conflict with any sort of religion whatsoever.

 

[SotiCoto]

... Meh.
Disappoint that this is just sexual fetish stuff.

I derive completely non-sexual satisfaction... somewhere between humour and catharsis.... from observing suffering. Schadenfreude dialled up to 11, probably...
The idea of sexualising it disgusts me though.

 

[Flanscho]

... Meh.
Disappoint that this is just sexual fetish stuff.

I derive completely non-sexual satisfaction... somewhere between humour and catharsis.... from observing suffering. Schadenfreude dialled up to 11, probably...
The idea of sexualising it disgusts me though.

Interesting. The concept of enjoying to see random people suffer is very alien to me. After all, one of the most powerful abilities we have is empathy, which means that our brain makes us suffer what suffering we see, which is the reason why horror movies are so polarizing. I'd be really worried if I'd enjoy something like that.

The kinky version however I consider to be normal. After all, the human sex drive is the strongest drive we have, so it's normal that people have all kinds of preferences.

 

[SotiCoto]

Interesting. The concept of enjoying to see random people suffer is very alien to me. After all, one of the most powerful abilities we have is empathy, which means that our brain makes us suffer what suffering we see, which is the reason why horror movies are so polarizing. I'd be really worried if I'd enjoy something like that.

The kinky version however I consider to be normal. After all, the human sex drive is the strongest drive we have, so it's normal that people have all kinds of preferences.

Ah yes. Empathy. That disability.

I'd say I'm glad I don't have it, but I'm not sure that is an entirely accurate statement. It is more like I have reverse empathy. I derive joy from the suffering of others, but contrariwise I get angry, miserable or straight-up nauseous when people are happy around me. I can't discern any direct reason behind it... That is just the feedback I get. Heck, when I was younger I used to attend the funerals of random strangers just to feel better (without having to actively cause harm to others).

It is one of the main reasons I come to sites like this. I need to surround myself with miserable people or I'm just going to get worse myself.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

It is one of the main reasons I come to sites like this. I need to surround myself with miserable people or I'm just going to get worse myself.

Have you been banned from a lot of places?

 

[SotiCoto]

Have you been banned from a lot of places?

Yes.

I used to think it a bit ridiculous on account of my not actually trying to cause trouble anywhere... but I might as well be an alien trying to join someone's tea-party for all the good it does.
As long as I'm actually saying things, sooner or later everyone is going to get p!ssed off at me for really stupid reasons (usually relating to hurt feelings), and I eventually end up banned. And if I wanted to just stay quiet, I wouldn't have bothered registering in the first place.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Yes.

I used to think it a bit ridiculous on account of my not actually trying to cause trouble anywhere... but I might as well be an alien trying to join someone's tea-party for all the good it does.

Well, surely you must realize that sites like this aren't here so that a sadist can observe the suffering of others. Kind of goes against the whole spirit of it being a support site, don't you think?

That whole bit about how to commit suicide was against the rules, too--webmaster rules, in fact. I reported that post, and I'm likely not the only one.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/site-rules-26660/

You've made it clear that you don't feel like you have a problem, so there's no point in telling you I hope you find a solution.

I don't think you'll be finding much here, though.

 

[SotiCoto]

Well, surely you must realize that sites like this aren't here so that a sadist can observe the suffering of others. Kind of goes against the whole spirit of it being a support site, don't you think?

Well, they don't want their suffering, do they?
Might as well get some benefit from it while it is around.

That whole bit about how to commit suicide is was against the rules, too--webmaster rules, in fact. I reported that post, and I'm likely not the only one.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/site-rules-26660/

Figured someone might... but the guy wanted advice and I gave him what he asked for. If the rules are against that, then they shouldn't be... and that is all I have to say on that matter.

You've made it clear that you don't feel like you have a problem, so there's no point in telling you I hope you find a solution.

I don't think you'll be finding much here, though.

You can draw your own conclusions.
I have problems, but I'm not expecting to find solutions... as people and I tend to have rather different ideas of what constitutes a problem.

Heck, I found my way here because I was doing a google-search to try and find somewhere in the world with a low humidity-to-rainfall ratio... and by a quirk of fate it led to a thread here. Seemed... relevant to my interests.

 

[yesman]

Well, I just want to say that I'm glad that others have experienced what I'm experiencing. But, how do we know that these thoughts are acceptable? Is it because they're thoughts and not actions?

Does anyone remember the Russel Williams case? About that women who said that she didn't want to die? Although I feel a slight groinal response to that, my thoughts about that case are those of anger and depression, not arousal or excitement or whatever...Real life things like that case are nightmares.

Maybe my feelings towards real life sexual abuse and evil mean that I'm not as messed up as I think I am.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

You can draw your own conclusions.
I have problems, but I'm not expecting to find solutions... as people and I tend to have rather different ideas of what constitutes a problem.

I was not clear--my mistake. I apologize. I was referring to your views on happiness and suffering and the general view that seems to be summed up in your sig. I disagree entirely with these views, and it is my opinion that you are quite lost and confused. These are the problems that I do not think you see as problems.

Disagreement on views is all rather beside the point though.

I'd simply rather not have someone as part of the community who feels better when others feel bad, because bad things are likely to result from that.

I do appreciate your honesty about it.