What if you fall in love?

So you have social phobia and you are incapable of talking with other people. But then you see a beautiful girl/guy and you fall in love with her/him. Obviously you would love to get in contact with the person but you are incapable of doing so. How would you handle this situation? How would you deal with the emotions?

Regards,

Maarten

you lost it already..

The fact that you fell in love with some attractive woman before ever approaching her means you lost the battle from the start.

Hey if a girl is hot and you are attracted to her, that is great.. But don't make her out to be some kind of goddess, don't make her out to be this perfect being, don't make her superior than you, and surely don't say you are in love... .....

Yeah you can joke around and all, but never ever convince yourself that you are in love with somebody you have never even spoken to. Because while it's not always easy approaching strangers who are attractive, especially if you have SA, it only intensifies the situation about 1000 times if they are already seeing white picket fences and kids before ever talking to the girl.

Forget about love and lust.... She's attractive, great. End it there. She isn't any better than you or anybody else... Because at the end of the day, if she doesn't like you or not, you move on to the next attractive woman.

Pjam76 You're on the money.Great answer !

pjam76 has the most logical answer. To truly love someone, you need to know her, and she needs to know you. And for that to happen, you need to initiate the conversation.

Like they say, don't judge a book by it's cover.

This has got to be one of the toughest issues for SA people, especially guys. You can't really expect to have success with any woman who isn't also socially limited by SA. That may be the answer for some people - seek out like-minded partners.

Otherwise, you have to get your issues under control first. There are plenty of exceptions to this. I've managed to pull off a few attempts of my own, but the key is I never really had a lot of control over the process. Once in a while an opportunity would come along, but I couldn't really make my own.

You have to get to the point where you can develop confidence through dating - maybe not your ideal partners, but you need to get to the point where one woman isn't going to make a big difference to you. Only then will you have the confidence you'll need to really be able to choose for yourself. Otherwise, women are too intuitive - your level of needyness will show through and you'll immediately become less attractive to them.

Personally, I plan to handle my SA through dating. I don't think I'm motivated enough any other way. If I'm going to start smalltalk with someone, there's got to be some kind of reward in it.

This is an interesting post, im actually in love with someone who i've known since i was like 5 but im stuggling so much in our relationship. her famly live in spain and she wants us to move over their for a year as she doesnt get to see her family much. As stupid as it sounds ive thought about ending it as i cant bear to go over there and have to be with her family all the time and the only really job i can get is bar work which is hard as social anxiety tends to make u avoid that type of the job.

Life sucks

or what if you're like me, you had a relationship with someone, who was everything you could ever want, but your social problems ruined it, and no matter how hard you try you just can't stop thinking about him and wondering what could have been, what if you loved someone so much you would do anything for them, and knowing that you would probably never see them again tore you up inside, would you do the almost impossible and try to overcome your worst fears just so you could try and get a second chance with them, before they met someone else. would you take that chance even though they would most likely reject you.
Would you overcome everything that hurts you so much for the person you love more than anything? Would it be worth it?

narcissism rocks :wink:

Maarten its already been said but ive found that best "fALL in LOVE" relationships are with people who your friends with first.....so your obviously attracted to this girl based on looks ......i dont think that people can genuinely fall in love with someone they've never conversed with or had some form of friendship with.....you need to stop and think about just developing friendships based on honesty..meaning you being yourself, showing interest in this person....and the maybe down the track if you feel the same way....ask her out for dinner or a film

look at it from a new perspective....try and change your nervous love into curiosity and just being interested to make a new friend out of her...try and share a laugh...dont try too hard, just be you...she may or may not be your type, but its possible that you could at least develop a friendship, and dont place her above you, err thats not an innuendo.....ok, what im saying is that ive found that girls that i become friends sometimes admit to me that im not their type, of course i walk away feeling like wet sponge but im glad they are honest with me about it.....so you really need to know the person before you can make any judgement of love or even hate for that matter.... :lol:

p.s that probably made no sense at all

scyth said:

This is an interesting post, im actually in love with someone who i've known since i was like 5 but im stuggling so much in our relationship. her famly live in spain and she wants us to move over their for a year as she doesnt get to see her family much. As stupid as it sounds ive thought about ending it as i cant bear to go over there and have to be with her family all the time and the only really job i can get is bar work which is hard as social anxiety tends to make u avoid that type of the job.

Life sucks

Click to expand...

im sorry about that scyth.....well either way if you ended up travelling with her im sure she would appreciate the company even if you dont feel like youve impressed the family.....who knows, maybe they are extremely welcoming and would welcome you just for showing interest...alas if you decided to stay then im sure you'd end up seeing her again down the track, you work behind a bar?.....hey its the highest form of customer service....youve probably learned alot from the experiance that you could take into any new career...other options apart from bar work is food preperation, so your in a kitchen slicing and dicing instead of being bombarded with roudy drunken customers....who knows maybe you;d even enjoy that..if not you can always pull out too...

Emma said:

or what if you're like me, you had a relationship with someone, who was everything you could ever want, but your social problems ruined it, and no matter how hard you try you just can't stop thinking about him and wondering what could have been, what if you loved someone so much you would do anything for them, and knowing that you would probably never see them again tore you up inside, would you do the almost impossible and try to overcome your worst fears just so you could try and get a second chance with them, before they met someone else. would you take that chance even though they would most likely reject you.
Would you overcome everything that hurts you so much for the person you love more than anything? Would it be worth it?

Click to expand...

Two birds with one stone, my friend. If you knew deep inside he/she was "the one", would it not be worth it? Not only would you be facing your biggest fears, but you'd be also proving to the one you love that it's just how far you're able to go for him/her.

Thx for the replies friends, there is some very helpfull information here that I'll have to think about.

regards,

Maarten

Emma said:

or what if you're like me, you had a relationship with someone, who was everything you could ever want, but your social problems ruined it, and no matter how hard you try you just can't stop thinking about him and wondering what could have been, what if you loved someone so much you would do anything for them, and knowing that you would probably never see them again tore you up inside, would you do the almost impossible and try to overcome your worst fears just so you could try and get a second chance with them, before they met someone else. would you take that chance even though they would most likely reject you.
Would you overcome everything that hurts you so much for the person you love more than anything? Would it be worth it?

Click to expand...

If you think that person has lost their attraction to you, then you have to consider human nature first. The greater a challenge something is, the more we want it. If you go to them begging, it's only going to make things worse.

About the only thing you can do is to come to them as a friend and somehow make it known that you're seeing other people (I know this is easier said than done, but you need to actually do this. With nothing going for you, they have all the power and you have none. No power = no attraction factor.) Play it casual. Don't get into your feelings for them. Try to get them to initiate something. Meanwhile, go on with your life and if it never happens, it'll be a lot easier to handle. But the direct "common sense" approach will rarely work in these situations.

For women, it's a little easier. Men will respond to looks more. If you can look great yet look like you're not trying, this might help them "forget" about the other stuff enough that you'll get a second chance.

If attraction is not the issue, it's a no brainer. Just get your thoughts together and do it.

Great advice from all!

He he, oh i feel like such a kid again.

There's this girl at work and she is to die for/hot!

Every time i've been to talk to her i have been extremely anxious. Like major anxiety where it has affected me for the entire day. Anway, it's awesome because i get more chances to overcome the mind of anxiety. I am usually very confident in my ability to overcome anxiety but she is my kryptonite, making me doubt my self, how fortunate, what an opportunity!

I figured i was trying too hard to appear a certain way 'in the mind of someone else', instead of really wanting her to be happy and being my self.

Ironically, she is said to be extremelly shy, yet she mirrors in me incredible weakness, my own insecurity, beutiful.

So, what do i do?

There's 3 times in which anxiety appears to our minds in the case of situations:

Before
During
After

How do i disable this crippling mind of anxiety and gain confidence in speaking to anyone, especially the hotty?

Small goals

The antidote to a negative mind is a postive mind so with a happy warm loving heart recognising the other person suffers from anxiety also we say, "Hi, how are you?" - this is the ultimate confidence builder. Great foundation. I have been using this to build my confidence. If you set your self the challenge to say this to everyone you meet you can then be confident that you can speak to anyone, even the hotty! Everyone deals with anxiety daily. They deserve our love.

The trick is to not judge your self on anything else. Just the 'Hi how are you?'
Even if you get stuck for words or stutter, it doesnt matter, you meet the goal and you become happy about it nothing more needs to be done on your part, however the conversation goes. So simple, really, really powerful.

The benefits of using small goals like this is that we cease to judge our performance, we let go of expectations, we let go of anxiety, we stop thinking and enjoy the conversation. We can start every conversation already winning in our mind, confident. We let go of everything else, this is a realistic way of building supreme confidence, compassion and increasing our ability to connect with others. Anxiety is weakened in the start, during the conversation and at the end, we simply ignore any other faults.

I only used to talk to a couple of people now i speak to 40+ people a day.

I figured, learning to care for somone is paramount initially rather than thinking with my dick, there needs to be a mutual warm connection. Then from this real stable friendships will evolve naturally.

Jack