What makes someone popular, online?

Let's talk about this just in reference to forums. In my case it has always been extremely rare to be gone from a forum for a while (even if I post very often there) and have anyone send a message or otherwise convey the notion that I was missed. It bothers me, to be honest... even more so when I can tell that my ideas were heard and agreed with. If I'm gone for a few months.. and not a single person wonders where I went off to.. it's a bit like a slap in the face. I won't say that I've never gotten a "where you been?" message... but the idea of popularity and integration within a group, eludes me completely.

That said, my social IQ is very low. I've never socialized well in any kind of group.. never really had any kind of group.. I hate, absolutely loathe any kind of "group dynamics" and especially the concept of a pecking order. It could be the poor social IQ along with prior poor outcomes with group settings has left me utterly clueless as to how "being liked or appreciated" happens, both online and offline. But I would think.. given the high % of introverts on the internet.. I should be entitled to some of this online. Right? Well, not really.

But since I'm talking about "online popularity," I'll look at it through that lens. The best I can do is just mention some things I've seen other popular folks do in forums, which I haven't. Here are some observations:

1) Popular forum-users usually post very frequently, and can be found in almost every sub-forum, and often write long posts. Or, if not that, they usually post frequently but write very short and witty posts, which (to me) is often pointless banter.. but for whatever reason, it is well-responded to and does confer popularity, over time. May I now specify--this is not about this forum--this is about every forum that ever existed, because these patterns have been observed by me in *all of them* !

2) Popular forum users will usually have colorful profile pages.. many of them will have a picture of themselves there, if not 10-20 available in an album!

3) Similar to point #1, popular forum-users very often will play the forum games religiously

4) Popular forum users will often be found in the "official forum chat" if there is one, or within the Skype group (if there is one).

5) Popular forum users will often band together within a clique, and will tend to condescend to, or simply ignore, anyone that just *one* member of that clique doesn't like.

Now... let me get this out of the way: None of this would bother me if it wasn't happening in the same forums that folks with social difficulties use! And also, in defense of *this* specific forum: I have seen less of this behavior in this place, than I have in most other forums.

But, that is beside the point. The point is to help me--and anyone else who has this problem of "always being the third wheel"--figure out what we are doing wrong, so we start doing something right!

We can start with the 5 points I listed above, and try to understand *what it is exactly* about such things, that somehow magically confers enhanced status within the group.

Personally: I have no interest in any "group dynamics" BS, don't want to put an actual picture of myself in my profile (anonymity anyone?), have zero interest in playing forum games (don't have the need or interest, nothing against those who do!), and most of all I never want to set foot in a chatroom or Skype group (I have been in chatrooms before and if you want to learn about nasty group behavior, go ahead and enter at your own risk!)

I'm, therefore, a bit more aloof and not interested in politics.. but it's an introvert's world online.. so why would my guarded personality seem to downgrade likability, every time?

The same things that make people popular offline, but with the option to lie about the way you look.

Initially I think some on here thought I was a young female poster. Then it was discovered I was in fact a middle-aged man. The interest\popularity dropped off rapidly. I guess there is that type of popularity for the wrong reasons.

There is also popularity for posters who are genuine and open and friendly, and show an interest in other posters who venture into sites like this and make them feel welcomed. Posters like Coyote and MikeyC, spring to mind who are no longer with us.

Sometimes if you say something kind about someone it has a kind of power about it. You can also make a connection by having views and interests in common.

Or you might have a story to tell about your battles that other posters can relate to.

I can see with the new thanks system that some of the more thoughtful, positive, constructive posters get high numbers of thanks. Their posts are popular.

I should have a plaque made to hang on my wall that reads "Been Killing Threads Since 1997". haha

Some of you's guys were just in diapers when I was just becoming an online warrior over my humble 14.4k modem! hehe

Back then forum people would take 1000 words to explain all the different ways they thought you were an a-hole. Now days they will just say "You're and a-hole". But they will probably spell "You're" wrong and it will be more like "your an a-hole". ...Or most likely they will just ignore you altogether...lol

But seriously,

Just like in real life people like people who make them feel good. The popular people on forums socialize like politicians. They keep things light, usually put a positive spin on everything, know how to stroke an ego, many times have more style than substance, and they post a lot.

Not really a bad thing but not my style.

I don't really strive to be popular on message boards, I just do whatever I want and if they like me, then they do. I'll never meet those people anyway. I do frequent a chat room where people notice if I'm gone, because I'm supposedly one of the most 'interesting/funny' people on there because of my deadpan humor and whatnot. I guess it's kinda positive for the ego, as it provides some validation.

It depends on the message boards you go to, I guess. If it's a message board with tons of people and a constant barrage of new threads and posts, it'll be harder to stand out. You'd have to be very active, always have relevant/interesting things to say in the most popular discussions, and make a mark in one way or another. Most large message boards, only admins and moderators get the most recognition, and then maybe a few very active old school members. I participate in a relatively active message board in which I know most people wouldn't remember me if I stopped posting, but that's because I don't make an effort to be 'popular', I just comment on whatever I want to comment, don't get involved in any dramas, and I prefer it that way.

S_Spartan said:

many times have more style than substance

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I know you said "many times" (as opposed to always) but I honestly don't think this is true for this forum. Maybe for other forums it is (I only use a couple others beside this one and not as frequently), but here I've noticed that "popular" users are often very thoughtful and interesting.

I think what turns people OFF is excessive negativity and/or being serious all the time (being humorous makes you more approachable and interesting - obviously not required but just saying, it attracts people).

And yes posting regularly helps as well as taking an interest in others.

Opaline said:

I know you said "many times" (as opposed to always) but I honestly don't think this is true for this forum. Maybe for other forums it is (I only use a couple others beside this one and not as frequently), but here I've noticed that "popular" users are often very thoughtful and interesting.

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Oh ya, I should have qualified that. This forum is actually the only forum that I frequent anymore because the dynamic here is way different.

What is nice here is that there aren't cliques, at least not that I have noticed, and everyone seems to be individuals and mostly very nice.

There have been other places I've been through the years that were just plain toxic with the cliques, the popular kids, and the ganging up on poor users who had a dissenting opinion.

I think we've all felt it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJRqIJxz6bw

<EDIT>Huh. I just noticed the top bar no longer shows up. The one that shows the header for the post. Odd, since while posting you can type in it.

Anyhow, what I typed into the header was something like "I think we've all felt it".

I don't try to be popular, I don't even consider whether I am or not. I may or may not be yet I really don't care. Whether I'm popular or not doesn't even enter my thoughts.

I believe if you are concerned about being popular and try to be, you aren't being true to yourself.

Then you commit the biggest betrayal, lying to yourself about who you really are.

I guess some people just have those personalities. They'd probably be popular in the real world too if not for anxiety. I wouldnt let the fact that no one is checking up on you get to you though. Ive rarely met people that show that much personal interest in me personally that I wasnt related to by blood.

At a work workshop, which are a nightmare for me, we played a group game, which terrify me. Everyone stood at one end of the hall, and the organiser asked questions.

A question was "Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a popular idiot?" You had to cross to a side of the hall in answer to the question. I went to the side of the hall for lonely genius, I didn't have much company. But I guess what I would really like to be a solitary human being, to find peace in my own company, not a genius or idiot.

Kiwong said:

At a work workshop, which are a nightmare for me, we played a group game, which terrify me. Everyone stood at one end of the hall, and the organiser asked questions.

A question was "Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a popular idiot?" You had to cross to a side of the hall in answer to the question. I went to the side of the hall for lonely genius, I didn't have much company. But I guess what I would really like to be a solitary human being, to find peace in my own company, not a genius or idiot.

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These types of group activities rarely go well, for this one most people would gravitate to where the crowd goes regardless of their belief, so good on you (I would have joined you there)

Kiwong said:

At a work workshop, which are a nightmare for me, we played a group game, which terrify me. Everyone stood at one end of the hall, and the organiser asked questions.

A question was "Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a popular idiot?" You had to cross to a side of the hall in answer to the question. I went to the side of the hall for lonely genius, I didn't have much company. But I guess what I would really like to be a solitary human being, to find peace in my own company, not a genius or idiot.

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Those workshops you have to do sound like they are made to mess with your brain. Prob some ex nazi scientists put those type of things together years ago to keep people properly conforming to society.

this thread made me think of this song-it is good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNc45FTenhg

S_Spartan said:

But seriously,

Just like in real life people like people who make them feel good. The popular people on forums socialize like politicians. They keep things light, usually put a positive spin on everything, know how to stroke an ego, many times have more style than substance, and they post a lot.

Not really a bad thing but not my style.

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That's just it... it's not my way. I like to keep out of the way and only write something when I have something to say, or if I'm interested in something. In other words there is a "lacking" motivation for me to write a lot of posts, make small talk randomly with many posters, "get deeply involved" or whatever. This is either an "introverted" style or an "aloof" style, possibly both.

Now, no one ever said it would be fair. But it does seem a bit unfair at this point. This has just been going on for too long. It makes me think if I can't even be appreciated online.. an introvert's world.. then there must be something fundamentally wrong with the way I interact.

PugofCrydee said:

I don't try to be popular, I don't even consider whether I am or not. I may or may not be yet I really don't care. Whether I'm popular or not doesn't even enter my thoughts.

I believe if you are concerned about being popular and try to be, you aren't being true to yourself.

Then you commit the biggest betrayal, lying to yourself about who you really are.

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I've never cared and never tried to be popular, almost always have been true to myself. But my "natural" way is not garnering positive attention, it's not inspiring anyone to send an unsolicited message (I was talking to one guy in another forum who said he always has "a million PMs to reply to"), it's not inspiring a single person to ask where I was for 6 months, or anything.

Obviously if this is not working online.. it's not going to work offline. So you tell me what to do...

Megaten said:

I guess some people just have those personalities. They'd probably be popular in the real world too if not for anxiety. I wouldnt let the fact that no one is checking up on you get to you though. Ive rarely met people that show that much personal interest in me personally that I wasnt related to by blood.

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The "give up" mentality is not something I have time for, any longer.

Long story short is I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm not asking to figure out how to dominate a group online or offline.. I'd never want to be the center of attention. I'm asking how to inspire maybe a *slight bit* more positive attention, at least online.

I will say if "being witty and clever" is the only way to do that, then that's not for me. I just don't spend my time thinking of quick clever responses to things, esp. when there is no practical value or point. Why would I? I'm not wired that way, and have no interest in it. I'm aware that communication within online dating sites, however, is about 90% of this "pointless, clever banter" s**t, which to me is very depressing.

It almost seems as if 99% of all people know how to play this "quick, witty game" and by no choice of my own, I'm within that 1% that doesn't have a clue.

Why on earth does is it considered "off-putting" to lack a quick, clever conversational style? That makes absolutely no sense to me, at all.

kihira said:

These types of group activities rarely go well, for this one most people would gravitate to where the crowd goes regardless of their belief, so good on you (I would have joined you there)

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Yes, I would have joined you out in the bush looking for wildflowers or native birds.

And I noticed that several people were too scared to go to the side of the hall where the least people were. I prefer to be wherever there are less people or no people at all.

MollyBeGood said:

Those workshops you have to do sound like they are made to mess with your brain. Prob some ex nazi scientists put those type of things together years ago to keep people properly conforming to society.

this thread made me think of this song-it is good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNc45FTenhg

Click to expand...

What scares me is that the boss will assess my choice, as not being a team player, not wanting to socially engage. To be a lemming and go along with the crowd is seen as OK, to be independent is seen as being dangerous and subversive.

What makes someone popular online? Being female. Especially in forums. A chick can say the most retarded bullshit and you can guarantee someone will praise her for it.

Go to any forum and make 2 accounts, one male and one female. Post around the same amount with both accounts and post roughly the same shit. The male one will be largely ignored and the female one will have lots of people blowing sunshine up your ***.

So you have 3 options. Pretend to be or become female, spend a lot of time and effort each day on an internet forum, or stop caring

That's because a lot of message board users are socially inept guys who start drooling at the first sign of the possibility of getting a girl's attention (as in, they have the chance to be confident in ways they can't be in the real world). Everyone starts shoving everyone else away just to be able to get her to talk to them, smile at them, or feel any kind of connection toward them.