I need help creating something "more" with this person..

Well not really convince her, per say,but going off of my last topic (if you will take a quick gander please- http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/i-need-advice-about-working-things-out-with-this-person-58511/ ). I got to see her today for the first time,and we had a great time at the mall,unfortunately we had a large group of people of friends around us so it was kinda awkward,but nevertheless I had a great time.
If you read my last topic,you'll see that I was told it would be best to be friends instead,but I wasn't given a concrete reason. I understand as a BELIEF we couldn't work out as a couple.. but I don't know it sounds fishy.. Anyways.
I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more,I don't WANT to rush things at all,I want to take things slowly ,but its very hard considering how deeply I've fallen for her. And what makes me fall deeper for her is that we actually compliment each other and flirt back and forth and such,so you'd think with seeing how we talk to each other there should be no barrier right? Well not in this case.. I don't want to back out of this because she really is something else to me,I haven't met anyone around here with so much in common with me,and trust me,down south its VERY hard finding a female in-depth gamer,adventure seeker and intelligent being. I was kind of thinking about writing a note to her and giving it to her down the line.. just saying that I really think we would work out as a couple and that I'm not going to leave her even if she says no to me again,nothing forceful or pressuring,I just want to have something to look forward to "securely" if you catch my drift. See I have SOMETHING to look forward to trying to get into a relationship with her and spending time with her,but the thing is I DON'T KNOW if it'll happen,so if I were to get with her I won't have to worry about that anymore. That's what I mean with securely.
What should I do? I want to wait a while THEN move in and try my luck with a note or something else that isn't anything pressurizing. But I also DON'T want to wait because it's killing me as I genuinely like this person dearly.. and it was truly unexpected as of said from my last post that she would just tell me that she thinks we wouldn't work out as a couple even after all that we shared back and forth with communication.

If she told you no, she probably means no.

The LAST thing you should do is keep bringing this up, because she's just going to end up feeling pressured and you'll ruin the 'friendship'.

You can either suffer in silence or stop being friends... I would lean more towards the latter, because these things almost always cause problems, especially when you have your heart set on 'making' her like you.

My advice would be to just relax and try to be cool... but really, I would try to put a relationship out of your mind. She's not going to even like you if you refuse to respect the boundaries she has set out/you don't listen to what she's telling you.

No means no.

Leave it alone, man.

The reason she didn't give you a "concrete reason" is because she suspects you can't handle the answer. That's how a lot of girls do these things because they don't want to hurt you or create a bad situation. If you force communications after that notice, then you'll be courting emotional disaster. She may even say something hurtful in her frustration that she doesn't actually mean.

I'd also give her a lot of space if you can't keep your feelings under wraps. If you can't play COD without making with the googly eyes or obsessing over every little thing she says or does, then it's best to steer clear until you can do so. It would be best for both of you, and since you already struggle with SA, it's just another problem you don't need.

I've been there. It sucks bad. But one day you'll actually be grateful for these kinds of experiences.

FountainandFairfax said:

The reason she didn't give you a "concrete reason" is because she suspects you can't handle the answer.

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...Is there such thing as a "concrete reason" to not be interested in dating someone? If the interest isn't there, it just isn't there.

Pacific_Loner said:

...Is there such thing as a "concrete reason" to not be interested in dating someone? If the interest isn't there, it just isn't there.

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Well, there's a reason he doesn't get this girl's ball rolling, but that reason could be a good one, for him. She may like the kind of person that he's not willing to be.

you got friend-zoned. she invited you (or encouraged you to attend) that big social event with other people because she wants you to see her hanging out with and having fun (and possibly accepting advances from) other men. the hang-out with other ppl at the mall was her using them as a buffer to drive the point home with you.

start courting different girls, take your mind off her.

R3K said:

she invited you (or encouraged you to attend) that big social event with other people because she wants you to see her hanging out with and having fun (and possibly accepting advances from) other men.

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...Or maybe she simply invited him out of friendliness...?

Why the hell should there be some twisted, malicious reason behind a girl's "friend zoning"? Just accept a god damn NO and move on. No girl is forced to date you, people :|

Hellhound said:

...Or maybe she simply invited him out of friendliness...?

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it's all about how you interpret things... if he wants to run with that narrative^ then that's fine too. I used to live with my sister and her bf.. her and her girlfriends would come over and drink wine and i'd hear them from my room telling how they treat men exactly like I outlined in my previous post. i'm just saying it happens. but either way I think the OP needs to just get this girl out of his head before he gets too obsessed and misses out on other opportunities.

R3K said:

I used to live with my sister and her bf.. her and her girlfriends would come over and drink wine and i'd hear them from my room telling how they treat men exactly like I outlined in my previous post.

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That obviously means all girls are the same. Typical of this forum...

I would ask that people read the last topic and/or read the whole of this one once more so that you know I DON'T want to pressurize her into a relationship,I want to come in a eased approach if our friendship really really deepens, its not that I don't accept a no,thats not exactly how it even went down whenever I was told that we should be friends instead. It climbed and escalated like any other normal teenage relationship starting out,compliments back and forth and sharing the same feelings as each other talking ,going great,even going as far as talking about kissing,then as of said out of the blue ,the friendship thing came up. I kinda expected us to build up towards a relationship before the friend thing came up when going to the mall,after though I didn't know what to expect up there,but I was hoping something would happen regardless,and it didn't so hey I'm not complaining. Free to follow whatever she wants and even so its not the last chance EVER. And also stuff like that takes time to think. I'm sorry if this confuses you all,believe me its been hard for me to process all of this,and it's been even harder trying to write all this down. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense. Honestly I was thinking about just deleting this whole thread and what I am typing now to everyone here but I don't want to waste away an hours worth of typing.. Also if my responses still confuse you please read the other replies I gave to the other people here.

Odo said:

If she told you no, she probably means no.

The LAST thing you should do is keep bringing this up, because she's just going to end up feeling pressured and you'll ruin the 'friendship'.

You can either suffer in silence or stop being friends... I would lean more towards the latter, because these things almost always cause problems, especially when you have your heart set on 'making' her like you.

My advice would be to just relax and try to be cool... but really, I would try to put a relationship out of your mind. She's not going to even like you if you refuse to respect the boundaries she has set out/you don't listen to what she's telling you.

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I don't want to MAKE her like me as of said with not wanting to pressurize her,but yes you have a great point. Its not that I don't accept these boundaries either,infact socially between us there's not much of boundaries with the compliments we share. So thats why I see boundaries in terms of friendship-relationship between us,but not so much socializing with the way we talk as if nothing was talked over you know? I obviously do take into account what we talked over with being friends instead,I'm not ignoring that at all because I respect what she wants,but I'm highly confused with the fact we are still going back and forth with the compliments. It could be out of fear I'm not sure..

FountainandFairfax said:

Leave it alone, man.

The reason she didn't give you a "concrete reason" is because she suspects you can't handle the answer. That's how a lot of girls do these things because they don't want to hurt you or create a bad situation. If you force communications after that notice, then you'll be courting emotional disaster. She may even say something hurtful in her frustration that she doesn't actually mean.

I'd also give her a lot of space if you can't keep your feelings under wraps. If you can't play COD without making with the googly eyes or obsessing over every little thing she says or does, then it's best to steer clear until you can do so. It would be best for both of you, and since you already struggle with SA, it's just another problem you don't need.

I've been there. It sucks bad. But one day you'll actually be grateful for these kinds of experiences.

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I know this,don't get me wrong, I understand with something like this they need space , and I'm not that "annoying" type to go pester somebody with messages days on end. Hell honestly,(as an example) if someone didn't message me back for a day or two I might send a good morning just in case but thats it. I realize usually they just can't reply because of technical reasons because that is the case most of time. But that could be true,I kinda thought that in the back of my head that she would have an answer that would probably hurt and doesn't want to say. Thank you for your answer though.

Pacific_Loner said:

...Is there such thing as a "concrete reason" to not be interested in dating someone? If the interest isn't there, it just isn't there.

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The reason why I say concrete reason is because like I was saying,everything was really REALLY building up to something more, then this just happened out of nowhere. Its sorta like building up to the wedding for someone being engaged then all of the sudden the person just says "I'd rather be friends." Though DEFINITELY not as sincere ,in this case we were just starting out so I don't take that as a good example. If it WASN'T really building up towards something,like say maybe the first couple of days I would try complimenting and those compliments weren't really accepted,yeah I'd see that she is not interested and I would perfectly understand if I was told that we should be friends instead,hell I wouldn't even NEED to be told,I would know right then and there that shes probably not interested. If she wasn't interested then she wouldn't have shared so much with me in terms of compliments and such,or it could just be out of fear like I mentioned above in another reply.

R3K said:

you got friend-zoned. she invited you (or encouraged you to attend) that big social event with other people because she wants you to see her hanging out with and having fun (and possibly accepting advances from) other men. the hang-out with other ppl at the mall was her using them as a buffer to drive the point home with you.

start courting different girls, take your mind off her.

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I honestly don't think she wasn't doing that just to put me in that situation.. she didn't even know there was going to be so many people they just showed up somewhat unexpected and it happened over time being there,it was originally planned to be with just me ,her ,her friend. But the thing is I want this to be different this time (yes admittingly I was very hung over some girls in the past because I thought about them too much,and thats not what I want to happen this time) I want to remain strong even if she says no again if I tried in a way later time with a non-pressurizing approach. I was actually surprisingly not as down as I thought I was going to be when she gave me the "rather be friends" feedback,I accepted it, I'm not going to immediately give her "why you should date me" list (metaphor lol I wouldn't go that far) right after all this, but more of a softer approach later down the line as of said.

Hellhound said:

...Or maybe she simply invited him out of friendliness...?

Why the hell should there be some twisted, malicious reason behind a girl's "friend zoning"? Just accept a god damn NO and move on. No girl is forced to date you, people :|

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No nobody ever should be forced or pressurized into dating someone,and thats not what I want..I accept the answer she gives me ,and I'll accept it a second time and KEEP it that way as friends if she gives me the same feedback. I just want to wait a while longer and let this build up again and see if it will change anything. If not thats fine by me,I'll move on or try my best at least. I don't believe she is actually placing me in a "friend zone" since she knows I like her and she has the same feelings for me apparently. Overall,I want to try my luck once more,but in a later date,in a deeper setting with her (if it happens),and in a soft approach. I'm sorry if my first post confused you in that manner, I do accept the answer that she has given me like I said,but I don't want to give up. I want things to go slow for now then see what happens.

Time to cut your losses and move on dude. For real. She either genuinely wants to just be friends or she's just a tease. I'm leaning more towards tease because she flirts with you. Can't do nothing with a tease but get shed of them. She probably likes you boys all being flirty with her and innocently competing over her. Yeah i bet she really eats that up too. I say forget her, toss her phone number like a live grenade and go seek out a girl that likes YOU for YOU, not likes-you-cause-you-boost-her-ego. Use the flirting experience from this one on the next one. Good luck.

Hellhound said:

That obviously means all girls are the same. Typical of this forum...

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I didn't mean to stereotype all women... reading my post again it kinda comes across that way I guess. I've just been friend-zoned too many times in my life and have uncomfortably sat through these chicks emo-sponge'ing me with their trials and tribulations with their relationships and courtings with other men. painfully I humor them and listen and nod along as they tell how they trap, funnel and lead guys on with these cruel tricks and manipulations. that's just my bad luck and personal experiences though I guess. I never meet nice girls that don't want to use me as their emotional dumpster. and I don't want to see the OP fall into the same position I've been in. many, many times.

SamTheSammich said:

I honestly don't think she wasn't doing that just to put me in that situation.. she didn't even know there was going to be so many people they just showed up somewhat unexpected and it happened over time being there,it was originally planned to be with just me ,her ,her friend. But the thing is I want this to be different this time (yes admittingly I was very hung over some girls in the past because I thought about them too much,and thats not what I want to happen this time) I want to remain strong even if she says no again if I tried in a way later time with a non-pressurizing approach. I was actually surprisingly not as down as I thought I was going to be when she gave me the "rather be friends" feedback,I accepted it, I'm not going to immediately give her "why you should date me" list (metaphor lol I wouldn't go that far) right after all this, but more of a softer approach later down the line as of said.

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I don't know man, I guess you're really set on this "soft, non-pressuring approach" tactic. go for it then, but don't forget to live your life in the process... maybe you're missing some better opportunities while waiting for this girl to come around:idontknow:.

R3K said:

I think the OP needs to just get this girl out of his head before he gets too obsessed and misses out on other opportunities.

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Good advice here

Why can't you just accept that she doesn't want a relationship?