An observation from an outsider

[Angie_05]

In reply to Biff's original post, not all of us are dealing with this like your brother is. Although what he's doing isn't necessarily wrong. He may have a very severe form of SA and needs more guidance to recover than I do.

I have SA and I am not sitting around wasting my life away. I know exactly what I want out of life and will not stop until I get there. Like you, Biff, I have career goals...big ones. I am still in school and plan on going far, no matter how socially painful it is. For me it is harder to face the social and competitive situations, but I still do it. There are a lot of us on this board who do try.

I agree that some SA's wallow in self-pity and never try to overcome their problem. There have been posts in which I asked for suggestions but only got responses such as "i feel the same way" and I felt discouraged.

I agree that we need to actively fight our SA, because that is our responsibility.

You must care about your brother enough to come to this site and find out first hand what is going on. Congrats.

 

[maggie]

Biff...seriously, we deal with many people on a daily basis who have no knowledge or understanding of social phobia, and judgemental, close-minded people are just the norm for me....if i wanted "constructive criticism" or a "reality check" all i have to do is look to the people around me who have no clue what it feels like to have anxiety like i do....we really don't need it on our site....thanks anyway :?

 

[Tim001]

Biff, I’m not sure you really understand what social phobia is all about. I’ll try to get the message across by using an example. I should probably add that I don’t normally make my feelings known to outsiders for the very reason that your message coveys. To outsiders, this sort of behaviour might be a sign of weakness. We might be considered dorks, nerds, that kind of thing. Let me ask you a question: were you a school bully? You fit the profile to a “T”.

I have two distinct personalities. That is not to say I have a split personality, but I act completely different, depending on where I am. I am much different in social situations than when I am at home in my own environment surrounded by familiar people (my family).

At home I feel quite normal. I mean normal as in there is no hint of SA. I talk freely with other family members, express opinions and feel good about myself. I consider myself good-looking, or at least average looking. I can think clearly, be witty and have a great sense of humour. I am not considered quiet and if my family members were told about my condition, they would be very surprised and try to convince me that I was exaggerating things and that I seem quite normal to them.

Now I will use a real example of how SA can take over a person. I have been invited to my best friends 40th birthday party. I can’t say no even though it scares the hell out of me. I start obsessing about it weeks in advance. The worrying controls my thoughts. I know his friends, and many people I have not met, will be there.

I arrive early so I won’t have to walk into a crowd of people. This way they arrive slowly and it’s easier for me. During the party I am introduced to many people and I can’t remember their names two minutes later because I am so obsessed with how I appear. My brain desperately searches for things to say in conversations. Once I do say something, I analyze it to death and eventually I say nothing. Erring on the side of caution, I decide my comments might make me look foolish or weird. I know I am too quiet and it is probably very noticeable to others. I feel as though all eyes are upon me, judging, critical, laughing. Do they think I am dumb because I’ve said nothing all night? I feel less attractive, less intelligent and totally inept. I feel terribly alone and I am sure that everyone would either like me to leave (since I obviously don’t belong) or simply don’t care. Either way, I am sure they resent the fact that I am here “And why is he so nervous? What’s with that?” Simple motor functions, like walking across a room or lifting a glass to my mouth, now seem very mechanical and forced. Everyone’s stare is burning into my brain. Everyone else seems so relaxed and natural and I wonder right there and then if I am the only one in the world who feels like this. I wonder if anyone could ever understand. I feel like I am losing my mind. The entire experience is humiliating and exhausting.

Later that day I return home to my family where everything is familiar. Everyone is pleasant and no one thinks I am quiet, strange or different. Now I feel truly relaxed. I have a great meal, lively conversation and I am loved (and maybe even admired) just for being me.

Biff; try living with that for a while.

 

[beautiful_soul]

Biff is just an arrogant guy that doesn't have a clue

8) clueless

 

[Eli]

biff-

if you looked a little deeper you might realize there's a real person inside your brother - i know family stuff can be a real pain in the ass and it is easy to get pissed at people for their behavior and hold resentments but in the end if all you embrace is the resentment and refusal to try to understand someone you just end up with a spiteful and bitter world to live in.

give your brother a chance - it is not easy being in his shoes - a little love goes a long way...

my best to you,
elizabeth

 

[beautiful_soul]

I think biff is an insult

Don't be a biff!

 

[Biff]

Hi guys! Thanks for the replies. Believe it or not, I did get something of value from each one. For one thing, I won’t mention what I do for a living again-it seems to really irritate people. For another, I didn’t realize how sarcastic I sound. Point well taken.

For those of you who think I’m the world’s greatest a-hole when it comes to my brother, I should give you a little more info. I love my brother and would do anything for him. Along with suffering from this condition, he also suffers from mild schizophrenia. He is medicated 24 hours a day. Social anxiety I can understand, but schizophrenia I can’t. It’s not from lack of trying. It defies all logic-and yes I know he can’t help it. I don’t expect him to leave home and get a job etc… I’m more understanding than that. I might have gotten a little carried away in my first post. He needs support and he gets it from the whole family, including me.

I’ve been educating myself about your condition so that at least if I come off as a loudmouth, I’ll come off as a well-informed loudmouth. One thing I have noticed on this site. People don’t seem to hang around long. Why is that? You have over 2000 members and I would say less than 100 active posters. Oh yeah, plus several hundred lurkers-but that’s ok. My guess is that people can only take so much niceness, sympathy and phases like” I know exactly how you feel”. After that’s all over, there is nothing to stay for except more of the same. My guess is that these people went out in search of a life. Damn, there goes my newly found image. You must admit though, I’m getting better.

Ok, so let’s call a truce and if I post anything else on your site, it will be something of value and maybe something you can use. It won’t be on this thread though. It’s too long as it is.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

For those of you who think I’m the world’s greatest a-hole when it comes to my brother,

i think it has the least to do with what you think about your brother

I’ve been educating myself about your condition so that at least if I come off as a loudmouth, I’ll come off as a well-informed loudmouth.

obviously you've learned nothing going off of :

My guess is that these people went out in search of a life.

it's just hilarious to me that you think our quality of life is so low and yet you're openly critical of things you really don't have room to talk about. why do you even care what we do on this board other than to come on here with a powertrip? it's called EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. you might think we're *niceing* ourselves to death but i'd like to see what you do when something's debilitating in your life may it be death, illness, debt, whatever. if you don't like the board then leave

 

[Fighter86]

Biff, I’m not sure you really understand what social phobia is all about. I’ll try to get the message across by using an example. I should probably add that I don’t normally make my feelings known to outsiders for the very reason that your message coveys. To outsiders, this sort of behaviour might be a sign of weakness. We might be considered dorks, nerds, that kind of thing. Let me ask you a question: were you a school bully? You fit the profile to a “T”.

I will use a real example of how SA can take over a person. I have been invited to my best friends 40th birthday party. I can’t say no even though it scares the hell out of me. I start obsessing about it weeks in advance. The worrying controls my thoughts. I know his friends, and many people I have not met, will be there.

I arrive early so I won’t have to walk into a crowd of people. This way they arrive slowly and it’s easier for me. During the party I am introduced to many people and I can’t remember their names two minutes later because I am so obsessed with how I appear. My brain desperately searches for things to say in conversations. Once I do say something, I analyze it to death and eventually I say nothing. Erring on the side of caution, I decide my comments might make me look foolish or weird. I know I am too quiet and it is probably very noticeable to others. I feel as though all eyes are upon me, judging, critical, laughing. Do they think I am dumb because I’ve said nothing all night? I feel less attractive, less intelligent and totally inept. I feel terribly alone and I am sure that everyone would either like me to leave (since I obviously don’t belong) or simply don’t care. Either way, I am sure they resent the fact that I am here “And why is he so nervous? What’s with that?” Simple motor functions, like walking across a room or lifting a glass to my mouth, now seem very mechanical and forced. Everyone’s stare is burning into my brain. Everyone else seems so relaxed and natural and I wonder right there and then if I am the only one in the world who feels like this. I wonder if anyone could ever understand. I feel like I am losing my mind. The entire experience is humiliating and exhausting.

Biff; try living with that for a while.

I totally agree with Tim001. This is exactly the kind of hell I go through in school. Can a normal person like Biff understand? No, I don't think so. Cause if they did, I needn't hide my condition from people & pretend that everything's fine & dandy, be all smiley & holding conversations amongest all the anxiety , pressures & fear that I feel inside. :? & no, I am not sitting around doing nothing about it- I am trying to overcome it, ok? :roll:

 

[Tim001]

That last message almost sounded normal(until the end anyway). Sorry to hear about your brother. I'd be very interested to see what you could post that would be of any value to us. Sarcasm won't cure SA you know. :roll: