Daily Adventures with Weirdy
- Thread starter WeirdyMcGee
- Start date
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
Ah, thankyou.
I've been coming online periodically... unable to find anything to say.
No new developments, really.
I hope everyone else is doing okay, though-- and by everyone else, I mean whoever is reading this; and whoever isn't.
haha
truffleshuffle
Well-known member
Wow sounds like you have gone through some rough times resently. I know exsactly how you feel about having strange people in your house. My brother did the same thing and I would get panic attacks and keep my self in my room also. I also know what its like to struggle with a family member paying bills like my father who on more than one occasion would get the electric turned off during the summer when I stayed with him. Good luck weirdy I hope it gets better.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Good to know you're still around, Weirdy.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
I can't sleep lately.
The terrible feelings tend to creep up on me-- I just feel bad about everything and again; I'm too scared to leave my room.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go visit my dad for a week.
A part of me hates the thought of being there... in the house that my grandparents lived in-- because they're both gone. I always feel upset, there.
I remember alot of bad times. Times I try not to think about because they tarnish the good ones that I have to remember them by.
I also feel like they're upset by the person I've become.
Grandpa always wanted me to be social, like him. To get along with everyone.
I get along with everyone but I'm terrified of them whether they realize it or not. I'm constantly preparing for someone to pull out a knife and stab me in the chest.
Hopefully, when someone finally does pull out that knife; they finish me off. I don't want to keep living like this...
I just want to be gone.
Worrying about every other human being on the planet hating me or plotting to kill me is just ridiculous and tiring and I ****ing hate that I can't seem to stop it.
I can't reason with myself or 'ignore' them or-- I *see* every person. I notice everything and everyone and every look they give me, even for a millisecond.
That car stopped at the lights that's slightly over the line-- with the guy bobbing his head to the radio; the people across the street, arguing with eachother as they walk; the cashier at the store behind he, peeking out the window casually while they wait for another customer to approach them...
I wish I could be unobservant and just be in my own world but that's not how I am.
... anyways; I'm going to be there in 12 hours.
In that house where people I loved died.
Trapped out in the middle of nowhere, where I used to play for hours with my only friend-- the same friend who triggered all of this anxiety by smashing in my face and making me terrified to go to school...
Just trapped in my body. Trapped being me.
... ugh.
The terrible feelings tend to creep up on me-- I just feel bad about everything and again; I'm too scared to leave my room.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go visit my dad for a week.
A part of me hates the thought of being there... in the house that my grandparents lived in-- because they're both gone. I always feel upset, there.
I remember alot of bad times. Times I try not to think about because they tarnish the good ones that I have to remember them by.
I also feel like they're upset by the person I've become.
Grandpa always wanted me to be social, like him. To get along with everyone.
I get along with everyone but I'm terrified of them whether they realize it or not. I'm constantly preparing for someone to pull out a knife and stab me in the chest.
Hopefully, when someone finally does pull out that knife; they finish me off. I don't want to keep living like this...
I just want to be gone.
Worrying about every other human being on the planet hating me or plotting to kill me is just ridiculous and tiring and I ****ing hate that I can't seem to stop it.
I can't reason with myself or 'ignore' them or-- I *see* every person. I notice everything and everyone and every look they give me, even for a millisecond.
That car stopped at the lights that's slightly over the line-- with the guy bobbing his head to the radio; the people across the street, arguing with eachother as they walk; the cashier at the store behind he, peeking out the window casually while they wait for another customer to approach them...
I wish I could be unobservant and just be in my own world but that's not how I am.
... anyways; I'm going to be there in 12 hours.
In that house where people I loved died.
Trapped out in the middle of nowhere, where I used to play for hours with my only friend-- the same friend who triggered all of this anxiety by smashing in my face and making me terrified to go to school...
Just trapped in my body. Trapped being me.
... ugh.
hidwell
Well-known member
I can't sleep lately.
The terrible feelings tend to creep up on me-- I just feel bad about everything and again; I'm too scared to leave my room.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go visit my dad for a week.
A part of me hates the thought of being there... in the house that my grandparents lived in-- because they're both gone. I always feel upset, there.
I remember alot of bad times. Times I try not to think about because they tarnish the good ones that I have to remember them by.
I also feel like they're upset by the person I've become.
Grandpa always wanted me to be social, like him. To get along with everyone.
I get along with everyone but I'm terrified of them whether they realize it or not. I'm constantly preparing for someone to pull out a knife and stab me in the chest.
Hopefully, when someone finally does pull out that knife; they finish me off. I don't want to keep living like this...
I just want to be gone.
Worrying about every other human being on the planet hating me or plotting to kill me is just ridiculous and tiring and I ****ing hate that I can't seem to stop it.
I can't reason with myself or 'ignore' them or-- I *see* every person. I notice everything and everyone and every look they give me, even for a millisecond.
That car stopped at the lights that's slightly over the line-- with the guy bobbing his head to the radio; the people across the street, arguing with eachother as they walk; the cashier at the store behind he, peeking out the window casually while they wait for another customer to approach them...
I wish I could be unobservant and just be in my own world but that's not how I am.
... anyways; I'm going to be there in 12 hours.
In that house where people I loved died.
Trapped out in the middle of nowhere, where I used to play for hours with my only friend-- the same friend who triggered all of this anxiety by smashing in my face and making me terrified to go to school...
Just trapped in my body. Trapped being me.
... ugh.
Hopefully your week with your Dad will be more pleasant than you anticipate, I'm hoping it will be anyway.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
So-- the first couple of days away went alright.
My uncle, though... is definitely an alcoholic-- and if you bring up anything that has to do with politics or money; he can go on an angry rant for hours.
He started drinking right in the morning. No coffee-- just trash beer.
eep.
Dad and I took apart the 22 year old big screen tv since it isn't working anymore.
It was my idea to rip it open and tear the guts out so that it's light enough to carry down the 32 steps to the driveway, since the house is on a hill.
There's lots of cool stuff in there! I'd never seen what's in a BIG tube tv, before.
In commtech class, we saw what was inside of computers and cameras and smaller TV's but nothing like this one!
I did some weeding in the garden and aired out/beat the carpets so that they're all ready for dad to put them down in the fall. For now they're rolled up behind the couch in the sitting room.
Also opened up one of the sheds in the back yard that's been collapsing over the years and started to sort trash and good stuff.
There were 4 brand new camping coolers stuffed back there-- a brand new, never opened 10 foot by 8 foot dome tent and camping bed... and my favourite; one of these which I plan on refinishing nicely.
So, things are going okay so far although I've been too anxious to sleep.
Got 4 hours last night and now I'm visiting my friend (yes. my ONLY friend) for the day since she lives in the nearest town and has sunday off.
My uncle, though... is definitely an alcoholic-- and if you bring up anything that has to do with politics or money; he can go on an angry rant for hours.
He started drinking right in the morning. No coffee-- just trash beer.
eep.
Dad and I took apart the 22 year old big screen tv since it isn't working anymore.
It was my idea to rip it open and tear the guts out so that it's light enough to carry down the 32 steps to the driveway, since the house is on a hill.
There's lots of cool stuff in there! I'd never seen what's in a BIG tube tv, before.
In commtech class, we saw what was inside of computers and cameras and smaller TV's but nothing like this one!
I did some weeding in the garden and aired out/beat the carpets so that they're all ready for dad to put them down in the fall. For now they're rolled up behind the couch in the sitting room.
Also opened up one of the sheds in the back yard that's been collapsing over the years and started to sort trash and good stuff.
There were 4 brand new camping coolers stuffed back there-- a brand new, never opened 10 foot by 8 foot dome tent and camping bed... and my favourite; one of these which I plan on refinishing nicely.
So, things are going okay so far although I've been too anxious to sleep.
Got 4 hours last night and now I'm visiting my friend (yes. my ONLY friend) for the day since she lives in the nearest town and has sunday off.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
No unicorns or rainbows today... life makes me kind of sad.
I heard mom talking on the phone earlier today.
Just telling someone about her experience with spe******t doctors when I was assaulted and had my face broken.
I remember that she was worried I would need facial reconstruction. That's how bad I looked after I was stitched up.
Now, my nose is asymmetrical and bends to one side of my face and I can't breathe through it, so I have to be a mouth breather which annoys some people and makes me selfconscious-- but not as selfconscious as I feel when I look into the mirror and see my stupid face.
I want to accept it and be fine with how I look but looking at my face and my scars reminds me of the very second that I heard bones breaking and felt that hot, coppery stuff roll down my face.
I remember everything vividly. I still have nightmares.
I want to forget.
I've thought of going for an assessment meeting with a cosmetic surgeon to see how much it would cost to change my nose but I would never be able to afford it... and adding more scars to my already hideous face surely won't help how I feel inside.
I'll always feel ugly as long as I have to recall that moment when I lost faith in humanity.
When I lost my first and only friend.
When I split up my extended family and was taunted by everyone at school.
When I died inside.
I heard mom talking on the phone earlier today.
Just telling someone about her experience with spe******t doctors when I was assaulted and had my face broken.
I remember that she was worried I would need facial reconstruction. That's how bad I looked after I was stitched up.
Now, my nose is asymmetrical and bends to one side of my face and I can't breathe through it, so I have to be a mouth breather which annoys some people and makes me selfconscious-- but not as selfconscious as I feel when I look into the mirror and see my stupid face.
I want to accept it and be fine with how I look but looking at my face and my scars reminds me of the very second that I heard bones breaking and felt that hot, coppery stuff roll down my face.
I remember everything vividly. I still have nightmares.
I want to forget.
I've thought of going for an assessment meeting with a cosmetic surgeon to see how much it would cost to change my nose but I would never be able to afford it... and adding more scars to my already hideous face surely won't help how I feel inside.
I'll always feel ugly as long as I have to recall that moment when I lost faith in humanity.
When I lost my first and only friend.
When I split up my extended family and was taunted by everyone at school.
When I died inside.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
Hello again!
So-- yesterday, mom took me for a drive to a place called 'Devil's Glen' which sounds ominous but totally isn't. It's just a ridge between two escarpments that is filled with trees.
It'll be nice to take pictures in the fall with all the leaves changing colours but right now it's just green mountains.
I could hear water running-- pretty sure there is a river that runs between them but mom was in her sandals and didn't want to hike down; so we stayed up on the observation deck for a bit.
I took some pictures, felt fat, deleted any pictures with myself in them-- haha, then we went home.
Today, I managed to finally get a bit of sleep but I'm not sure if my sleeping problem is because I'm too terrified to fall asleep while everyone else is sleeping and there are no gate-keepers awake to rescue me... or if my bed is just uncomfortable. XD
Probably both.
Probably the first one more than the second but the second is definitely a factor as well.
Mom had to drop someone off at the hospital to get his jaw checked out, so she woke me up and dragged me along.
I bought some cat litter for the kitties and also, some cosmetics that were on clearance.
A sky blue nail colour and a coral one -- and a thick felt tip eyeliner pen, although I forgot to check that it's water proof... and if it isn't, I can't wear it.
h:Oh, well.
Try to have a better day, everyone. A good day!
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
Okay...
I haven't been able to sleep because I keep having vivid thoughts about slitting my wrists.
There.
I said it.
I can't do it but the thought is there... and in alot more detail than I should be able to think up seeing as I've never done it before-- but there it is; flashing before my eyes.
I can't eat or sleep and I don't want to shower because then I'd be tempted to shave my legs-- and shaving, I'd have to use a razor... then I'd just be imagining the blood running down the drain...
I don't feel good.
Just let me die.
I haven't been able to sleep because I keep having vivid thoughts about slitting my wrists.
There.
I said it.
I can't do it but the thought is there... and in alot more detail than I should be able to think up seeing as I've never done it before-- but there it is; flashing before my eyes.
I can't eat or sleep and I don't want to shower because then I'd be tempted to shave my legs-- and shaving, I'd have to use a razor... then I'd just be imagining the blood running down the drain...
I don't feel good.
Just let me die.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
I asked my sister to skype call with me last night so that I could see the baby.
It was good. My niece will be 2 at the beginning of september and she looks like she has ALL her teeth!
She has this great big smile-- just the cutest thing.
She doesn't look much like my sister apart from that smile but she does have the same temperament and a similar personality; then again, that probably comes from her mommy being the only parent that she sees.
So, my sister got another raise at work and transferred to another department.
She is officially in the top 10% of the corporate world, now-- AND a woman of 31 years who is a single mother with a 2 year old.
... wow!
I'm finding it impossible not to compare myself to her...
I don't have a job, don't have a boyfriend or any children or a home or any social aptitude... and she has all of this and more.
A boyfriend, friends, a daughter who adores her and a savings account!
Damn.
I'm happy for her, of course.
I am really happy that she isn't having trouble providing for her family and giving her daughter the best nurturing. She is a super mom!
But I am ashamed that I've always been the **** up.
It was good. My niece will be 2 at the beginning of september and she looks like she has ALL her teeth!
She has this great big smile-- just the cutest thing.
She doesn't look much like my sister apart from that smile but she does have the same temperament and a similar personality; then again, that probably comes from her mommy being the only parent that she sees.
So, my sister got another raise at work and transferred to another department.
She is officially in the top 10% of the corporate world, now-- AND a woman of 31 years who is a single mother with a 2 year old.
... wow!
I'm finding it impossible not to compare myself to her...
I don't have a job, don't have a boyfriend or any children or a home or any social aptitude... and she has all of this and more.
A boyfriend, friends, a daughter who adores her and a savings account!
Damn.
I'm happy for her, of course.
I am really happy that she isn't having trouble providing for her family and giving her daughter the best nurturing. She is a super mom!
But I am ashamed that I've always been the **** up.
