Feeling Unwelcome

[Skog]

Do you find that other people make you feel unwelcome? I'm assuming
this is a common AvPD experience.

If so, is it just us, or is it something other people subliminally do
because they don't really want to be around someone who has AvPD? It
seems to me that sometimes people choose their words so they make me
feel unwelcome. They don't say "Have some birthday cake with us";
they say "There's birthday cake at my desk." The first statement is a
direct invitation; the second is a declaratory sentence which may
imply an invitation or may just imply a feeling of social obligation
to tell me about the event. If I don't show up for cake based on the
second sentence, I'm sure the speaker would still feel polite and
would take credit for having invited me, but perhaps without thinking
about it the statement was made the second way because the speaker
didn't really care if I joined in the event.

I realize this is the monitoring of others characteristic of AvPD.
That doesn't disprove the premise, though. Maybe we are correctly
perceiving the insincerity of others.

 

[cLavain]

Well, people sometimes feel uncomfortable when someone else rejects their offer so they might word an invitation in such a way that it doesn't sound like a direct invitation. It's more like a standing invitiation to come if and when you feel like it. That way, there's less of a chance that they have to deal with a direct "No, I don't want to eat your bloody cake!". This is especially true if they don't know you well, and aren't sure how you'll react.

Hmm, I found that a bit hard to describe in English, but hopefully you get my point!

 

[Skog]

Well, people sometimes feel uncomfortable . . .

Thanks, but maybe my example is bad. Do not focus on the "cake" example, but instead are you able to reply to my opening question. Do people make you feel unwelcome? If so, maybe you have some other example that fits. If not, well good for you, and I may need to rethink my hypothesis. I see this as a shared problem. An avoidant is monitoring for implied rejection and I think some people take advantage of that by making it easier for the avoidant to avoid participating, instead of using words that would be more inclusive or inviting. To perpetuate my bad "cake" example, it's more like someone said "You don't want any cake, do you?" instead of "Would you like some cake?" Either way offers you the opportunity to affirmatively request cake, but the first question clearly discourages a request for cake, while the second way leaves you free to say "yes" or "no" without implying that the speaker wants a particular answer.

 

[LibertadIlusoria]

People always make me feel unwelcome, but that's because I'm an unlikable, boring person.

 

[cLavain]

Do people make you feel unwelcome?

Sometimes, but not that often. TBH, it's more likely that I will never hear anything about the infamous cake at all... :lol:

 

[Skog]

Do you find that other people make you feel unwelcome?

LibertadIlusoria - don't be so quick to blame yourself. While I agree we all need to look at our own behavior and try to someone that other people will be interested in, my hypothesis includes the premise that other people are often rude and insensitive and instead of reaching out to help a fellow human being, take advantage of their weaknesses to ignore or exclude them. Maybe you aren't so unlikable and boring - people just haven't given you a fair chance to show them your interesting side.

cLavain - my reply is similar to above. Even if the assumption of someone else is that you are not going to participate (that is, decline the cake), it is rude not to invite you to participate. I have also not heard about the cake when it was in existence, but then learned about it later. That hurts. Again, my suggestion is that people may say they didn't offer it to you because they assumed you weren't interested, but I think that is rude, and it hinders your ability to ever say "yes" and be included. Maybe they don't think about it directly, but I believe subconsciously people elect not to make that invitation because they don't want the avoidant to say "yes." That's why it's a shared problem It's not enough for a person to try to change their own way of thinking, they have the additional burden of trying to change the way the people around them think, too.

 

[cLavain]

I can see your point, but the question is: How can you know the motivations of the other person? Your interpretation can certainly explain their actions, but it's not the only possible interpretation, something I hinted at in my first reply. I know from my own experience that I tend to instinctively jump to the conclusion that is most negative for me even though other more positive explanations are just as likely. That's not to say what you described never happens, I'm sure it does, but to what extent can we make this a general "truth"? Anyway, I would rather have no invitation than a forced/polite one.

 

[Skog]

I would rather have no invitation than a forced/polite one.

I agree with your last comment and I'm not seeking an obligatory invitation. I'm just suggesting that the avoidance or withdrawal I sometimes engage in isn't properly attributable to just me and the way I am. I'm suggesting that other people induce that avoidance by using words that allow them to feel that they did make the polite invitation when they did so without sincerity, in a way that minimized the likelihood that I would accept. I realize that a lot of people wouldn't notice the difference and would accept the obligatory invitation as quickly as the sincere one. I don't think my hypersensitivity to the phrasing is a complete answer; I think other people are insensitive. It's the combination that makes me want to disappear.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I always feel unwelcome and like people don't like me...even if people seem nice to me I always think they're just faking it and that they're really thinking "I hate her!"...actually I know for a fact that alot of people don't like me.

 

[decadeOfSA]

I always feel unwelcome and like people don't like me...even if people seem nice to me I always think they're just faking it and that they're really thinking "I hate her!"...actually I know for a fact that alot of people don't like me.

I have those feelings too, but I think that conquering this affliction requires positive thinking. I know it's hard, but try to think positive. I would probably be really depressed because of my SA if I wasn't an optimistic. Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones.

 

[Skog]

I know for a fact that alot of people don't like me.

I don't feel that people dislike me. I think, if asked, most people would say they like me and might even describe themselves as my friend.

I think the reality, though, is that I am really not important to them and they would say they like me, but are really closer to being ambivalent about me. People are not sensitive to my feelings. As mentioned by me earlier post, they choose words that are not intended to make me feel included or welcome. They don't inquire why I frequently don't participate because they don't really want my participation. By not inquiring, they always give themselves an excuse to exclude me because they can say they assumed I wasn't interested.

 

[Anonymous]

Maybe these people think you were rude to avoid contact with them, and participation in previous social events, and are behaving towards you the same way they felt you have treated them.

Also they probably don't even know how much it would mean to you to be heartedly invited.


Yes, I feel unwelcome sometimes too. I usualy try and remember if I have behaved anyway in the past thay might have made them feel unwelcome and most often discovered that I did.

I learned this because I used to have another AvPD working at my office. As sensitive and aware of the condition as I am, he often made me feel soooo unwanted that I hated him real bad and would definitely not invite him anywhere I didn't have too. I knew that deep inside he didn't mean it and was having a real hard time himself, but still, the negative thoughts and bad feeling I got from being around him...I took this as a good mirror to my own behavior and what I did that could make people feel unwanted.

It's hard to smile at someone and make him feel realy welcome when your gut is screeming "Flee" or: "This is a serious mission and I must perform". So when I feel this way I keep a consice and bussiness-like manner. But when I am truely happy to see someone I try and let them feel it too. This is probably the surest way of gaining back a feeling from them.

In any case - I am truely happy to read your posts and most welcome your next ones

 

[Anonymous]

You guys seem to be using this place to continue your problems. Don't you see that your problem is excatly that you spend way too much time analyzing what other people think about you?

WHO CARES WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WELCOME?!

WHO CARES WHO LIKES YOU OR DOESN'T LIKE YOU

repeat after me

"it doesn't matter if strangers or people i don't know like me or not."

trying hard to be welcomed and liked isn't going to solve your problem you're just reinforcing your problem.

What you need to do is realize that you need to just be you regardless of what people think and eventually you'll find someone who does like you!

 

[Skog]

You guys seem to be using this place to continue your problems. . . .What you need to do is realize that you need to just be you regardless of what people think and eventually you'll find someone who does like you!

I assume you mean well, and there is some truth in your comment, but it isn't helpful to think the problem is so easily solved.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Avoidant/message/41026

 

[Anonymous]

You guys seem to be using this place to continue your problems. . . .What you need to do is realize that you need to just be you regardless of what people think and eventually you'll find someone who does like you!

I assume you mean well, and there is some truth in your comment, but it isn't helpful to think the problem is so easily solved.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Avoidant/message/41026

But just what is that supposed to mean? My comment was saying you need to realize this and all your problems will go away... it was to encourage you to move towards recovery not to perpetuate your sickness. If you find yourself worrying about feeling welcome you need to catch yourself instead of sinking into your sickness. Change your thoughts from "omg what was he implying by how he said that?!" to "I'm going to accept the invitation and have fun!"

It's not up to others to make you well. Infact they CAN'T... so don't even put pressure on them even in your mind to do so ESPECIALLY if you're not paying them 80-250 bucks an hour like your shrink gets. It's up to you to change. It's up to you to recognize your self destructive thoughts and force good ones to appear in their place. It's up to you to turn on your lights and let them shine through... and if you don't make any effort to do that... and infact waste your efforts on thought games that pepetuate your sickness than you deserve to suffer. Are you people here to improve? Or are you here for a group hug circlejerk where your sickness is understood and validated? Why WHY would you want to validate something that causes you to suffer. REJECT IT! that's the only logical step you can make!

 

[Skog]

My comment was saying you need to realize this and all your problems will go away.

Neither true, nor helpful -- so any value to the rest of your message is lost.

 

[Anonymous]

My comment was saying you need to realize this and all your problems will go away.

Neither true, nor helpful -- so any value to the rest of your message is lost.

oh heh whoops that was supposed to be a "wasn't"

 

[Anonymous]

I don't seem to be welcome anywhere, people look at me like I'm a leper, and like they feel sorry for me because I'm so ugly....that hurts
And by the way, to the person who said "you guys seem to be using this place to continue your problems" what exactly are you doing here then?

 

[Water]

I don't seem to be welcome anywhere, people look at me like I'm a leper, and like they feel sorry for me because I'm so ugly....that hurts
And by the way, to the person who said "you guys seem to be using this place to continue your problems" what exactly are you doing here then?

OK I finally made an account. That was me who said that. What I was hoping to do here was find people with similar problems whom are trying to get better. People I can brainstorm ways to improve with. Not people to validate my sickness. This is something to beat not dwell in.

Now for example you claim to be so ugly that people look at you like you're a leper. Come on - that's your sickness again. So maybe you are really ugly - but there are plenty of ugly people that have normal lives. Or maybe you're only ugly because you're not well groomed and don't take care of yourself - something you can fix. Or maybe you're not even ugly and just tell yourself that because it projects blame onto something other than your self destructive thoughts. Tell you what. Post a picture of yourself and I'll give you an honest take on your ugliness. That's a good way to confront your problem.

 

[blubs]

I always feel unwelcome and like people don't like me...even if people seem nice to me I always think they're just faking it and that they're really thinking "I hate her!"...actually I know for a fact that alot of people don't like me.

I used to think along the lines that SA was a problem mostly in my own mind..that I was reading negative things into other peoples words & actions..& I had to work on ignoring these negative thoughts & realise it was all in my head.
I used to read comments like the above by lil'miss & think it was just SA talking.
But recently I had an experience where I had to deal with a group of new people...& I could hear them talking about me all the time...& whereas I thought people might not think anything about me either way because I don't interact much........I was soooooooooooo wrong & I found out people actually HATED me...said as much & called me an ugly evil bitch....among Lots of other things.

So now I think its not all in my own mind...I'm not misreading other people...people are quite often nasty & do pick on the weak.
Its knocked my confidence even further down...but I'm trying to get over it by thinking... I don't have to change my mindset.....I just have to toughen up.