Gateway To Rawz's Mind

[Rawz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mt7eR5zdIU

MORE MORE MORE MORE! GIMME MORE!

No? Fine, I'll create more myself, for myself, and maybe others. I should probably include others.

So I haven't followed my schedule at all. I guess I am very weak willed...

But I noticed a problem. It's not just that I have small bad habits, like drinking soda. Like wanting junk food if I'm depressed, to help me feel better. Or wanting junk food when I'm really happy to enhance my "high". I notice that, I'm on auto pilot almost all the time. My bad habit isn't succumbing to these small things, it's that I'm allowing my unconscious to run my life and not stopping several times throughout the day to wake myself up to reality. I need to observe myself and when I see myself doing something that isn't as helpful as it can possibly be to my life, stop and shout "HEY! Stop that!".

Either today or tomorrow, I am going to buy a small notepad (although it can't be too small), and write down cheat sheets for challenging situations (social situations mostly), cheat sheets for things I am wanting to improve on, and affirmations.

 

[Rawz]

Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard. Why do I fight so hard when I most of what I do has such little effect? Why do I push myself to injury? Why do I try so hard at work? I don't get any more money than I usually would, I'm not going to get a raise. Why do I try to keep doing everything better? The biggest thing that stands in my way...I can't seem to fix.

Good Charlotte - Young and the Hopeless (Lyrics) - YouTube

It's just one of those nights...

 

[Rawz]

I hurt.

The Angelic Process - Crippled Healing - YouTube

 

[Rawz]

Am I alive or am I dead? Sometimes I don't know.

I don't need drugs to be detached from reality.

 

[Rawz]

Sleep...is screwed up... Brain power...is low... I am drained... I don't want this. I want to be productive. I want to learn.

Sigh...

 

[Rawz]

Recently I watched a recent video by Elliott Hulse called "4 Tools I Used to Succeed". Basically he shared 4 different things that he added into his daily routine that helped him accomplish what he wanted to accomplish.

One of them is affirmations/visualization. I have already mentioned that I was going to start doing this. What Elliott Hulse did was set a watch to go off (alarm) every hour, and every hour, on the hour, he would stop whatever he was doing (says he did this where ever he was pretty much) and read affirmations that he had written down/visualize his future--what he wanted it to be.

You're beliefs about yourself, your life, your future, affect you. And during my teenage years I started thinking lots of negative thoughts about myself, my body, my health, my life, and my future. And as I got older, I started believing these things, and I started to solidify them. They went deeper and deeper inside me. They caused me to imagine/visualize horrible things about myself, my health, and my future.

And so I am going to start doing exactly what Elliott Hulse has suggested with affirmations and visualization to replace all of these negative thoughts, beliefs, and visualizations with positive, empowering ones. Currently I only have my phone for an alarm and it only allows 10 different alarms (there is no repeating option allow for every hour), so I'm only doing this about 10 times a day. But still, 10 times a day I will be reading affirmations and also visualizing some and trying to really feel and believe these things. I think I do believe positive things on a superficial level, but I need to believe these positive things as strongly and as deeply as I can. I have to change my beliefs and thoughts down to my very core.

 

[Rawz]

Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster - YouTube

Harder, better, faster, stronger! More, more, more! I want more! I want to create more! I want to know more! I will put in the work.

Tonight will be the 5th or 6th night that I have done a full body massage. I am coming up on my record of 7 nights in a row. Massaging really helps me a lot. I seem to get a lot of stress built up in my body and massaging, if I keep doing it daily, gets rid of. So when the 8th night in a row comes--this time, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep going. And once I get my momentum, I will add in stretching. I'm already doing some meditating after my massaging, but I haven't been doing a good job with it, so I am going to have to correct that.

I haven't done hourly affirmations/visualization every day since I started, but I did some today and will get back on track tomorrow.

I will become who I want to be and accomplish what I want to accomplish, or I will die trying. Anything less is not an option.

 

[MikeyC]

^ Sounds great, mate. Keep it up! :thumbup:

 

[Rawz]

Thanks!

 

[Rawz]

♫ Pink Floyd - Wearing The Inside Out [Lyrics] - YouTube

PINK FLOYD - LOST FOR WORDS [ HQ ] - YouTube

I used to love these songs. Well...I still do. There's a "but" though...

Back in early 2013 I loved these songs. I had a trip planned to travel to another state and visit some online friends. It worked out okay, nothing bad happened...I just had hoped that I would be more social, less anxious, and act less like a frightened child and more like a confident adult.

I was very excited and happy leading up to this trip. I talked with these friends and other people online on forum with a chat feature a few times a week for hours each time. I listened to these songs a lot. Often times at night, looking up at the clear, starry night sky. Feeling better and calmer than I remember feeling...possibly ever. My sleep continued to improve.

That all ended after the trip. Hasn't happened since. I haven't really talked with any of the people since and vice versa.

Some of these memories are now sad, possibly painful. And they are associated with these songs. I've rarely listened to these songs, or any song of off the album since.

Back in January of this year when I had my period of...heaven. When I my strength was the highest it has ever been, I did a lot of deadlifting. Well as anyone who has read this thread and other posts of mine knows, everything that I had during that period went away--the strength, the restorative sleep, etc.

Well it didn't all go away over night. It faded away in about 2 weeks time, during which I continued to lift heavier weights. I probably weight lifted once more after it was gone, then I gave up. Well during the last few weeks my back became a little sore. Nothing weird or alarming. It wasn't long before it became worse and discovered that I had bulging/herniated/whatever term you want to use discs in my back. Or latest bones that were now bulging out some, and tenderness, possibly some nerve pain.

My body still needed good, restorative sleep, but didn't get it...and things went wrong.

Life just loves kicking me in the balls.

I keep saying I will become who I want, get the life I want, accomplish what I want, etc, or die trying....sometimes I fear that I will die trying.

 

[Rawz]

Sometimes I wonder if all the things that used to bother me strongly, that used to cause me a lot of anxiety, depression, worry, etc, still do. If deep inside me they are all still there causing all the same problems that they used to. There are some things about me that suggest this is not true. That, although all the same stressors that used to come up to the surface are still there, they aren't as strong; they don't have a strong hold on me and don't do as much damage as they used to. There are other things that suggest that everything is still the same.

For years now my lower teeth have been very crooked and messed up. When I was a kid I rarely brushed my teeth. I also rarely took baths/showers. My parents didn't enforce it or raise me in a way that made me do these things regularly like you are supposed to. I also had a terrible diet consisting of tons of junk food--I treated soda like it was water.

Anyway, my lower teeth are caved in, and the front teeth are very crooked. About a year or so ago I went to two different dentists and had x-rays taken. At one of the dentists they took as many x-rays in just one appointment as I had taken during my entire life. They took x-rays of the teeth, their roots, etc. Both dentists said that I didn't have any tooth decay and I didn't have ANY cavities. I only had a few cavities when I was a kid, fewer then my sister, who brushed her teeth more than me and ate almost no junk food of any kind.

But my teeth have always bothered me to some extent, and when I was a teenager I sometimes had dreams where my front teeth, along with some of the gums, would break off. Needless to say, these dreams cause stress, anxiety, and worry. I think one time I actually woke with up middream, frightened (extremely rare for me).

Well last night, I had a dream that three of my teeth fell out and one was very close to falling out. I was eating and when I bit down on something, two fell out. The dream felt very real. It has caused stress and anxiety. After I woke up I had to check the teeth that had fallen out in my dream. Of course they were VERY sturdy, wouldn't even budge, so they aren't going to fall out anytime soon.

Anyway, it just makes me wonder if deep down inside, everything is still the same. I don't believe that but, being who I am, I still can't help but wonder. And somethings may not have changed yet.

 

[MikeyC]

Maybe you have better processes to deal with all of those things that give you anxiety. It could be a result of counselling, getting older, getting wiser in general, or something else.

As for your teeth, well, I'm not sure how you can get through that. If those nightmares are few and far between, it might be manageable. If you're still worried, get second and third opinions from different dentists. Maybe even consider braces if you want to straighten out your teeth.

 

[Rawz]

It's definitely manageable.

At this point, I feel exactly the same as I did 2 months ago... Sigh...

Suicidal Tendencies - Smash It! - YouTube

I got bruises scars and broken bones
One of a kind I can't be cloned
Meditation would be a sin
I love my homie, adrenaline
I've had fears and doubts and lots of pain
Suffered lots of loss, for little gain
While your rules say I can never win
I still love my chances, adrenaline

I'm fired up today's the day!
I can't be stopped, there ain't no way!
The bodys used to get it done
But the mind is where this battles won

Smash It!

 

[Rawz]

Hans Zimmer - Time - YouTube

I'm going to use this sometimes (maybe all the time) when using affirmations and/or visualizations.

Recently had a scheduled blood test for vitamin D levels. Next week I have a doctor's appointment and will see what the results are and talk to my doctor about it. Hopefully I can get back what I had but lost.

 

[Rawz]

Seething rage.

 

[Rawz]

I...... ... I have lost it all. I am back to the way I was in November. Weak and tired all the time. Poor sleep. Poor cognition. Depressed. It's amazing all the things sleep deprivation, or non-restorative sleep does to a person. Who I was in January and who I am now are two very different people.

My empathy is...weak. It's not that I can't empathize with anyone or that I don't care about anyone. I do. Mostly my family. But all the things that not getting restorative sleep does ends up messing with empathy because of all that it causes.

There were so many things that I experienced in January that shocked me. I couldn't believe how strong I was. I couldn't believe how well my brain worked--I could think so much better, so much easier. It blew me away. I was so much happier. I can't remember the last time I was that happy. And I started to care more about people, to want to help them more. I seemed to be more empathetic. I felt some genuine empathy in different ways than I ever have before.

One reason I talk so little, and my involvement online isn't very big, is because a big part of interacting and connecting with people is being supportive when it's needed, is being able to empathize well/show it well. If I don't have an genuine feelings, genuine empathy, etc for a person and their situation, I say nothing. I just can't say or do anything if it isn't genuine. It doesn't feel right.

I don't know...maybe it's just the tiredness and weakness and depression and soreness and the injuries that won't go away and everything else that is wrong. And that I can't fix myself.

 

[Rawz]

What I have inside me...is stuck inside me... these hands, this brain...they cannot create what I have inside me. They cannot take what is within and put transfer it to canvas, or paper, or photo, or video, or audio... ...

 

[Rawz]

I went to my doctors appointment today. Tests results show that my Vitamin D level is now 49ng/mL (was 20ng/mL, considered borderline okay, possibly too low).

I'm back to square one.

I don't what cause my month of incredible energy, happiness, strength, muscle recovery, sleep, etc. I don't know if it was the vitamin D or not. If so, why did it stop? I don't know if it was reducing Lexapro to 2.5mg for a month and then going to 5mg (reducing dosage by half for a month, then going back to the previous does improves energy and mood for 2-4 weeks, not sure why). I don't know if it was all placebo. I don't know if it was a combination of these things. I don't if it was the universe toying with me.

I am left with no definitive answers. No fixes. No light at the end of the tunnel. I got nothing.

I'm frustrated, I'm mad, I'm depressed, I'm stressed, I'm tired. If I did something horrible to deserve this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry... just please, make it stop...heal me...

 

[Rawz]

I've never believed that I need medication.

I've always had external things that caused internal problems. I was always afraid to talk to my parents. They believed I needed medication. These things caused problems. During most of my teens years I was on and off medication. My parents never wanted me off medication though, so I had to lie and pretend I was taking my medication. I would be lazy and careless about it though, so problems arose. Then Paxil came along and screwed everything up.

But I have improved a lot during the past two or so years because of therapy and hard work. Anxiety seems low, and depression, as far as mental effects (I could still be experiencing physical effects of depression), mostly seems to be for reasons and solely for those reasons, although this is just a guess, I can't be positive.

I've been on very low doses of Lexapro before. Currently I am getting off of Lexapro. Anxiety and depression just isn't near as bad as it used to be. I may still have physical effects of chronic depression, but mentally it isn't that bad, and there are plenty of good reasons for any depression I have. And I feel confident in saying that I have very little anxiety now. It's not a constant thing either. I do have more stress than I need though.

I do still have social anxiety, but I am working again and will be able to work on my social anxiety and social skills. I recently had my first day back at work at the golf course and spent much more time talking with people. I also had my first day being trained for a different job there: cooking/restaurant work. So I ended up spending most of the time at work with another guy, being shown what to do, etc, and talking with him about music and stuff.

Back on the topic of medication...I'm sick of the side effects caused by SRRIs that never go away. And I'm sick and tired of Lexapro not doing enough. I'm and tired of being able to have it work fantastic for 2-4 weeks and then stop. I've read before online about some conditions/drugs, where if you take a medication that increases chemicals in the brain/body, the body can then end up producing less because of what the medication is giving your body.

My only guess at this point with Lexapro works for me is this: I reduce the dosage very low and the levels of it in my body becomes very low, my body goes back to producing the chemicals in my brain the way it's suppose to. I then increase the dose back to what it was, and for a little while my body continues producing the chemicals like it normally would, until it figures out it doesn't need to and stops. So I feel great until it stops and relies mostly on the medication. It's just a guess, I could be completely wrong. It's the only thing I can think of that makes sense.

But I do know that Lexapro just can't do enough for me consistently. I think it's time to give up on it. And I don't absolutely need it. My anxiety isn't bad enough and my depression isn't bad enough (mentally at least).

 

[Rawz]

So here I sit: beaten, battered, injured, and sore. Feeling frustration, anger, depression, worthlessness. Part of me just wants to succumb to the depression, to just give in. I've worked so hard and finally go what I wanted so badly, but after a month it was taken away from me. And in some ways I become more broken then before.

But it did show me that it is possible to be who I want to be, to get what I want. It left me with a question: how?

Here I sit, reading the things I wrote during that month. Remembering what I felt. I felt so happy, energetic, strong, and confident. I felt that I could accomplish everything I wanted to, the way I wanted to, in the time frame that I wanted to. And I still think that, had I not lost what I had, I would have accomplished all that I wanted to in the time frame that I had set.

On February 5th, I wrote something like this:

You have to ask yourself, "How badly do you want it?. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get it?" Am I willing to spend all my time working for it? Am I willing to do things not specific to it, but that could make me more capable at it in some way? What sacrifices am I willing to make to make it come true?

My answers to questions 2, 3, and 4 are: Yes, Yes, and Yes.

So far I haven't put those put those words into action since January. But the desires I have are strong. And the fear and pain of wasting my life, of never trying my hardest, and never accomplishing anything amazing are motivating to some extent. Will it ever be enough? I don't know.

With each passing day I get more and more sick and tired of living where I live. Of living so far from towns, cities, people. Of feeling separated from the world. I'm also getting really tired of living with my family, they cause me stress. Stress I don't have to have. Stress that doesn't motivate me. Stress that causes inaction, not action. Honestly, I'm starting to feel stronger about just up and leaving and living in a crappy car, or on the street, or whatever. I may not have money, I may be tired, sore, sluggish, etc all the time, but I'm am just sick of my current situation. It's time for a change.