Gateway To Rawz's Mind

[Rawz]

Depressed. Very tired. Sluggish. Brain dead.

I can't remember the last time I took a shower, and it sucks because showers make me feel a lot better.

I feel like there isn't any room left for me where I live.

We had a monitor installed for our water 1-2 years ago that limits water heating (how much you can water you can heat all the time, and at certain times as well). It wasn't a problem in the summer, but in the winter it has been a problem (for me at least). We use a dishwasher every day, one load of laundry every other day at least, my dad takes 3 showers a week, and then my sister takes AT LEAST 3 a week, sometimes 5-6. So there is rarely any hot water left for me or my mom.

To top it off, due to my own ignorance and stupidity when I was a kid and teen, I ended up needing to relocate my bedroom to another room in the house. In the winter, it is the coldest room in the house. During the winter it would often get down to about 50 degrees or colder. It took it's toll on me. And showering with cold water just wasn't tolerable. Sometime even when there was hot water left there wasn't enough and I had to turn the water off while I washed up and then rinse (something I'm pretty sure my sister would refuse to do).

Which brings up another thing that's bothering me: my sister. She has mental problems as well. Some that were, or are, worse. She has OCD. She doesn't like touching doorknobs, doors, or handles (at least when she will be handling clean laundry, etc). If a towel that we have for drying our hands (kitchen mostly) touched something that might have been dirty, she usually throws it in the clothes hamper, even if we have no other clean ones and aren't currently doing laundry. She seems to prefer to take a shower after she has gone somewhere and been around people, whether she really got dirty or not. I don't think I have EVER seen her sweaty, and she doesn't do anything that gets her dirty.

She doesn't do a whole lot of cooking and doesn't like cooking unless it's something simple. And often times she "doesn't know what to eat" or "is hungry but doesn't want to eat" and seems very lazy about eating. She's already skinny enough (she has a high metabolism).

She just seems very lazy. And it doesn't seem like she would ever do anything hard, especially if it was physical. She acts very weak (often times I have to open new jars of jam, etc, because she says she can't open it).

I'm worried that she won't be able to survive without having someone else to do lots of things for her, take care of problems, etc. And if she ends up poor when/if she moves out or the gloom and doom about climate change is real, then god help her.

I do love her, but I'm very different from her, have very different interests, and I don't want to have to live with her or close to her and be there for her. That might make me an ******* but I'm sick and tired of my family and I want to live on my own and travel.

But yeah, due to limitations of money and heating, and due to my tiredness and sluggishness, I'm having a very difficult time showering, and have a difficult time washing all my clothes/sheets/pillows/etc if I need a lot of hot water.

 

[Rawz]

No more Lexapro! You had your chance. Two+ years of use. I even tried different doses and such. But you couldn't do enough. I don't see any point in continuing, in not trying something different.

At this point, Lexapro should be completely out of my system. Am I worse off? Yes, but not much. My anxiety isn't any worse. My depression (mentally) isn't any worse. Mostly, I am more tired, more sluggish, and am not getting anything done.

I want coffee...

 

[Rawz]

I just don't want to put any more work in. I don't see any point. After all the work I already put in, all the things I tried, how I forced myself. And for what? For this? For what I have now? To end up almost as bad as before? To only get what I wanted for years, for 20 days? To lose it?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Depressed. Very tired. Sluggish. Brain dead.

I can't remember the last time I took a shower, and it sucks because showers make me feel a lot better.

I feel like there isn't any room left for me where I live.

We had a monitor installed for our water 1-2 years ago that limits water heating (how much you can water you can heat all the time, and at certain times as well). It wasn't a problem in the summer, but in the winter it has been a problem (for me at least). We use a dishwasher every day, one load of laundry every other day at least, my dad takes 3 showers a week, and then my sister takes AT LEAST 3 a week, sometimes 5-6. So there is rarely any hot water left for me or my mom.

To top it off, due to my own ignorance and stupidity when I was a kid and teen, I ended up needing to relocate my bedroom to another room in the house. In the winter, it is the coldest room in the house. During the winter it would often get down to about 50 degrees or colder. It took it's toll on me. And showering with cold water just wasn't tolerable. Sometime even when there was hot water left there wasn't enough and I had to turn the water off while I washed up and then rinse (something I'm pretty sure my sister would refuse to do).

Which brings up another thing that's bothering me: my sister. She has mental problems as well. Some that were, or are, worse. She has OCD. She doesn't like touching doorknobs, doors, or handles (at least when she will be handling clean laundry, etc). If a towel that we have for drying our hands (kitchen mostly) touched something that might have been dirty, she usually throws it in the clothes hamper, even if we have no other clean ones and aren't currently doing laundry. She seems to prefer to take a shower after she has gone somewhere and been around people, whether she really got dirty or not. I don't think I have EVER seen her sweaty, and she doesn't do anything that gets her dirty.

She doesn't do a whole lot of cooking and doesn't like cooking unless it's something simple. And often times she "doesn't know what to eat" or "is hungry but doesn't want to eat" and seems very lazy about eating. She's already skinny enough (she has a high metabolism).

She just seems very lazy. And it doesn't seem like she would ever do anything hard, especially if it was physical. She acts very weak (often times I have to open new jars of jam, etc, because she says she can't open it).

I'm worried that she won't be able to survive without having someone else to do lots of things for her, take care of problems, etc. And if she ends up poor when/if she moves out or the gloom and doom about climate change is real, then god help her.

I do love her, but I'm very different from her, have very different interests, and I don't want to have to live with her or close to her and be there for her. That might make me an ******* but I'm sick and tired of my family and I want to live on my own and travel.

But yeah, due to limitations of money and heating, and due to my tiredness and sluggishness, I'm having a very difficult time showering, and have a difficult time washing all my clothes/sheets/pillows/etc if I need a lot of hot water.

You have it rough! I need to shower every day or I'll go crazy! I seriously would have even more mental problems with skipping a day or more.

I wish I could give you some encouraging words. But, your situation makes me feel fortunate. You're very strong to continue to endure! I hope things get better for you!

 

[Rawz]

Thanks.

I fight and work the hardest during the toughest times.

 

[Rawz]

Since I've been off Lexapro, I have gotten worse. But. In some ways, I am still better than I was when I first got on Lexapro. Sure, I am depressed some and I do some have some constant anxiety, but it's not as worse as it was. So I have gotten better in a permanent way. What's the worse though is the increased tiredness, sluggishness, weakness, confusing at times, and poor cognition.

One interesting thing: Before I got on Lexapro, after I got off of Paxil, I had a problem where sometimes my heart would feel weak, beat softer and less, then I would feel some kind of pain, and then it was like my heart reset itself or something. I still had this on Lexapro. I kept having it less often and it stopped being as bad, but it never fully went away. Since being off Lexapro, I haven't had it happen.

I don't know what to try now. My psychiatrist recommended Zoloft. So I guess I go with that next.

I still have an infection that I can't get rid of. I've tried every antibiotic except for one, which is very similar to another that the infection gained a resistance to. There is one that seems, from the two days I used it, like it would get rid of the infection without problem, but it made me very weak.

For some reason, every time I have a negative reaction to something, it includes weakness, fatigue, circulation problems (decreased circulation, especially to my arms/hands/and sometimes brain, which causes confusion), lightheadedness/faintness, etc. No one knows why. No one seems to have any idea what's going on with me. I am a mystery.

Maybe one day I will find out how to fix myself.

Three Days Grace - Time Of Dying - YouTube

 

[Rawz]

Recently I tried Wellbutrin. It did some good, but the bad outweighed the good. It gave me insomnia, and the last day I took it I was probably more tired than I have ever been before. During the last hour of work I could barely stay awake and could barely finish work. I had a hard time keeping my eyes open and I had a hard time keeping myself from passing out. That night it took me a long time to get to sleep, and when I finally did, I only slept about an hour. It then took me a LONG time to get back to sleep and I still didn't get as much sleep as I normally would.

But one thing I did find out is that...I can handle more then I thought I could. In some ways I am stronger than I thought I was.

 

[Rawz]

So you have to take whatever it is that you want, whether it's one small thing, or a certain way you want to live your life. And you have to ask yourself: how badly do you want it? What are you willing to do to get it? Are you willing to spend all of your time and resources to get it?

Despite everything I have done in the past 3 years. Despite the routines I've had and all the questioning I've done about myself... Despite how badly I've told myself that I want to live life a certain way...I haven't done everything that I possibly can to make it happen. I haven't spent all my time and resources working towards my goals. I have allowed myself to be controlled. Controlled by depression and anxiety at times. Controlled by insecurities. Controlled by entertainment. Controlled by fear of failure--not just failure of small things but of everything, of life. Controlled by laziness.

So here I am, acknowledging that I haven't done everything I can. Acknowledging that I haven't been fully in control and that I been content with this most of the time.

So I ask myself again: how badly do I want this? How badly do I want to be good at drawing, at guitar, at socializing? How badly do I want to be stronger? How badly do I want to be smarter? Do I want it badly enough to give up things I enjoy for awhile? Do I want it badly enough to spend all my time doing it? Will it be worth it?

I'm not satisfied with who I am and how I live my life. I'm not satisfied with how everything I do is mediocre.

Ever since quitting Lexapro and being completely off medication I've been getting worse...but I think it's necessary. While on Lexapro, although I could function good enough, I wasn't able to function as good as I possibly can. My sleep, although better then than now, was still poor, and I spent too much time sleeping and laying around. I wasn't accomplishing enough in a day. I wasn't working enough. So I stopped taking it. I've fallen down. And now it's time to do some thinking, to get back up, and to work harder.

 

[Rawz]

Most of the time when I make a mistake--no matter how small--or say or do something that isn't received well by others present (like in a social situation) or do something wrong, I feel bad. I feel the worst, and always feel bad, when I do something wrong. I feel much worse about it then most people probably would, and sometimes I continue to feel bad about it for days, weeks, months, or years. There are some things I did around ten years ago that I don't think I've forgiven myself for and let go of.

I don't know why I can't let go of mistakes. I don't why I can't forgive myself, feel like a bad person, and feel like I deserve misery as punishment. I don't know why punishment myself for mistakes. I don't know why such small things have cause so much pain and tears. I don't know why anything that my mom or family has said hasn't helped me move past this.

I cause myself a lot of stress, pain, depression, and anxiety. And I don't know why. Maybe I was abused and/or traumatized by someone as a kid. I don't know. I have no proof or evidence of this. I can only assume that I was born with a screwed up brain.

Sometimes I think to myself "I'm sorry" over and over again. I'm sorry to...whoever. God...humans...the universe.... I'm sorry...I just want to be happy and healthy, and live a fun life... I'm sorry...

 

[Rawz]

Changing yourself, I mean truly changing yourself, is very hard. Changing your beliefs about yourself and the world, your thoughts and emotions, your habitual reactions to things... it's a hard, slow process...

But I am determined. I am determined to be who I want to be, to accomplish what I want to accomplish and to have what I want to have. I will get rid of my anxiety, my depression, and my sleep problems. I will change all of my negative beliefs, thought habits, etc. I will become a very strong, healthy, intelligent individual. I will do what I want to do. I will live. Everything else be damned. I will not give up. Ever. I will accomplish these things or die trying.

I am currently on no medication. I think that I am doing better now than all the other times I tried in the past 3-4 years. I will heal myself. I will am not going to need medicine forever. I know who I am going to become. I know that I am not going to continue to be the same person.



Recently at work I socialized better than I have in a long time. Talked to another guy my age for awhile. I'm going to talk to him and a friend of his--and maybe other guys my age that work there--and try to hang out with them/do things. I'm going to try to work more as well. I really need to save up money.

 

[TreeBones]

The way you sound so determined is really inspiring

..but do you really want to change everything about yourself?

 

[Rawz]

Not everything but there are a lot of things that I want--and need--to change about myself. I've been self destructive to some degree for many years. Not in physical ways, but in psychological ways. There are a lot of beliefs I created about myself without any good reasons and continued to solidify over the years. Along with these I thought a lot of negative thoughts about myself over the years. And of of course these things kept getting worse and worse, and caused emotional distress and stress, anxiety, and depression.

I recently had a glimpse of who I can be, how I can feel, and how capable I can be. I've experience what I was like when I was healthy, happy, productive, and functioning very well. It's the polar opposite of how I usually am. I want to be that person all the time. And I know what must change--and how deep the change has to be--to be that person.

Medicine can make me feel very good for short bursts, but it can't bring lasting change. I have to change what I am telling myself, thinking about myself, etc in order to have lasting change. I might not need medicine. Even if I do, I can't rely on it.

 

[TreeBones]

I recently had a glimpse of who I can be, how I can feel, and how capable I can be. I've experience what I was like when I was healthy, happy, productive, and functioning very well. It's the polar opposite of how I usually am. I want to be that person all the time. And I know what must change--and how deep the change has to be--to be that person..

^ This I am very glad to hear. Sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of something and end up surprising myself also, it feels so good to feel good and I don't ever want to let go of that feeling.
keep it up :thumbup:

 

[Rawz]

When I look back...at what life was when I was a kid...and what I thought my future was going to be, back then... I can't believe what life has become. When I think about how good my health was when I was 14, 15, 16... I can't accept what my health might be now. My current reality cannot be my permanent reality.

I do not accept this. I will not allow this. I will become so healthy, so strong, so intelligent, so skilled, that I will be almost unrecognizable from who I am now.

 

[Rawz]

And what do I get, for my pain?

And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat

Despite all my rage
Despite all my rage
my rage
rage
RAGE


RAGE

So here I am. I have tried almost every SSRI and one SNRI for me depression/anxiety. None are anywhere near perfect. Lexapro seems to be the best, but it gives me heart palpitations/flutter/arrhythmia. I had assumed it was just anxiety since I had started having a very similar problem before being on Lexapro (due to discontinuation of Paxil), but once I stopped taking Lexapro to start taking Zoloft, it went away.

I have very recently had some palpitations due to anxiety, but they aren't the same as what I experienced on Lexapro. The ones on Lexapro included having my heart feel weak and being a little hard to breathe for 30-60 seconds.

Heart arrhythmia problems like torsades de pointes (TdP)/prolonged QT interval (QTc). This happens more often than I had originally thought, as both Celexa (citalopram) and Lexapro (escitalopram) are on the list of drugs to totally avoid if you have a history of TdP/QTc/cardiac arrhythmia.

Wonderful. Did any of the doctor's ever mention this? No. I don't remember reading about it on the sheets that they give you when you get your prescription either, but it might have been on there.

So I seriously doubt I will be taking Lexapro again.

Zoloft makes me a little loopy and forgetful most of the time as well. I suspect it does this to my mom as well, and that it is the main reason why she changed and become sillier/more forgetful/etc. I really don't want to keep taking Zoloft because of this, but what other options do I have? Paxil is a last resort. I've never been the same since I stopped taking it--discontinuing it screwed me up. And I've read that it usually doesn't work as good the second time.

I wish I had never taken Paxil. I wish I that I didn't allow myself to be swayed and impacted by what my parents were telling me and trying to make me do. I wish I had tried therapy and changing my lifestyle much, much sooner than I did.

I sometimes wonder if I have screwed up my life.

I need to leave this place. These people. I need a better situation. A better environment.
I need friends. I am sick and tired of my current situation. But I feel trapped and powerless.

 

[Rawz]

I'm grateful to be alive. I never realized how wonderful and beautiful life is.

I never appreciated life as much as I should have before. I haven't appreciated a lot of the the things I have experienced enough. I have usually focused on any shortcomings, on how it could have been better, etc. I got that from my dad.

I don't know how much longer I will be alive, but I am glad when I wake up in the morning and am still alive. I hope I have a long, healthy life ahead of me.

I know one thing: I will NEVER give up. No matter what happens, I will fight to stay alive.

 

[Rawz]

When I was young (9-12), I would worry a lot about minor things. Bug bites, west nile virus, things I heard on the news, thunder storms and tornadoes, etc. Mostly I worried about tornadoes destroying the house and killing me, whenever there was a thunderstorm. Not sure why, but storms really freaked me out.

Anyway, when I was young, I worried a lot. And the older I got the more I worried about things related to my body (bug bites, sores, etc).

Then as I got older, along with worrying, I would think that there were things wrong. Or that a certain sore was actually something serious. And this became more frequent and more distressing each time.

Then I started thinking about me having serious problems--brain tumor, etc. I started worrying about getting skin cancer, etc. So I started worrying not only about minor things but also serious things. I started thinking that not only were there minor things wrong but there were serious things wrong. I started to become very obsessive. I started spending more time and brain power on these things. They started to become habits. Automatic.

Then I started to believe there was something seriously wrong with me. So now along with the worrying and thinking that was still going on (and worse), I now believed that something serious was wrong with me. I also started imagining horrible things happening to me, like dieing, or finding out I had a serious disease and then dieing. And I think I believed I had a horrible medical problem and was going to die someday soon.

All of this became automatic, subconscious, unconscious, habitual. My default reaction to finding a sore or having a weird pain or symptom was to think it was something serious, to worry about it, to believe it was something serious, and to imagine something horrible happening to me.

I believed that there was something physically wrong with me. Every time I had a test done and the results were normal and good, I would be relieved at first, but I would soon go back to believing that something was wrong with me. Eventually though, evening having a good test result wouldn't relieve me, I still believed something was wrong and the test couldn't reveal it. I continued to believe what wasn't true and ignored reality. I became delusional, it seems.

I never realized how bad all of this was. When I was younger I definitely never thought that my worrying and thinking could become this bad and cause negative beliefs that were this strong. I never imagined it could become this bad.

Recently I ended up going off all medication, ended up feeling absolutely horrible. Had scary symptoms and scary panic attacks. Had a extensive blood test done (tested for so many things that 3 containers of blood was needed) and everything was found to be normal. Some things were described as perfect. All the other tests I've had (3 other blood tests, 2 EKGs, xray for back, another I forget the name of, dental xrays) have had good results. Everything has been shown to be normal. Every doctor/spe******t I have seen believes I am very healthy. There has never been any proof, evidence, ect to the contrary.

In January, I had 20 days of great health. I more energy, happiness, strength, brain function, etc than ever before. I was functioning great. I was productive. I felt great. Nothing was wrong. I had no anxiety. No stress. No depression. I didn't think any negative thoughts, I didn't imagine anything horrible happening to me, I didn't believe anything was wrong with me or that anything bad was going to happen. So all the energy and brain power I would normally devote to those things was freed up for whatever I wanted to do. I didn't take any new medication to achieve this, or have any surgeries done, or change my diet, or change my environment.

My experience in January showed me that I can be healthy. I can be strong. I can be energetic. I can get good sleep. I can be normal. I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

But as I said my worrying, my thoughts, my beliefs, are deeply ingrained in me now. It's very hard to change. And even though putting conscious effort into thinking positively, believing reality, realizing these negatives thoughts and beliefs are delusions, illogical and irrational. It's like they are still going on subconsciously and still effecting me at all times, even when I am feeling better from consciously thinking positively.

I've talked a lot about changing my thoughts, thought habits, beliefs, etc, because it looks like that is the only thing wrong with me. Medicine can't change how I think and what I believe long term. Lexapro could work really well for me for 2-4 weeks, but not long term. I'm going to have to truly change myself, mostly by myself (unless I can find people that want to help excluding my family and therapist), to healthy, strong, energetic, productive, capable... to be who I want to be. To accomplish what I want to accomplish. To live the life that I want.

 

[Rawz]

I feel like I am slowly losing my sanity. Or consciousness.

I worry that I've done too much damage to my body. I feel very broken, very damaged. Sometimes I think it is too late for me. The end is near. I can't turn things around. I can't save myself. I have doomed myself. All the years of worrying, thinking negative things about myself, believing negative things about myself, imagining horrible things happening to me, imagining myself dieing, all the isolation, all the loneliness. I feel like I started slowly killing myself years ago. And now, it's almost complete.

I used to be suicidal. It was kinda of and off and on thing. I attempted suicide a few times. I could never go through with it. But I could tell myself horrible things about myself. I could imagine myself finding out I had a horrible disease and dieing. I could make myself believe there was something horribly wrong with me and that I was going to die young. I could put tons of stress on myself, tons of worry, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. And I could lie to my family and everyone else about how I was feeling.

I could make myself miserable. I could make myself sick. I could try to kill myself with my mind.

I want to be different now though. I want to think different things. Believe different things. I want to be happy and healthy and have fun. But it's so incredibly hard. And some things are impossible now due to how I am physically at the moment, with injuries that have never healed. Is it too late? At times, I certainly believe so.

 

[Rawz]

I don't want to feel the pain...of a lonely and wasted childhood anymore.

I wanted to go to school. I wanted to go to high school. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to hang out with other kids a lot. I wanted to go to parties. I was just paralyzed with fear. And there has been so much pain and sadness because of it
that I haven't been able to let go of.

I wish I could stop believing that I deserve misery. That I don't deserve friends or love or help or anyone or anything good. I wish I could stop believing that I should die.

I wish I could stop hurting and being sad long enough to make some friends.

 

[Rawz]

I wish that my problems and everthing that goes on in my mind didn't suck so much energy and happiness from me and didn't make it so difficult to interact with people. Even with therapy, lifestyle changes, and medication, I can't get any constistencey. I can't function well long enough to make friends. I feel so lonely and want friends so badly, but I can't interact well enough with people to become friends with anyone. I can't care enough about other people and what they are going through to be a real friend. I want to care. I really do. But I have so much fear and pain and worry and sadness and hate for myself inside, eating away at me, that I don't have anything left for anyone or anything else. And I guess because of my own lack of empathy, I believe that no one, other than my family, has ever truly been concerned or really cared about me.

It seems that everything that is wrong with me is always present, always eating away at me, no matter how good I feel.

I may live with my family, and they migh love me, but I feel completely alone.