If I only knew what I wanted to do, things would have been much, much easier. I think a lot, yet there are no answers. It is as if all the roads are kind of blocked. Whatever I come up with has some sort of obstacle. There is no way! Sometimes I feel I will just give up. There is no point trying to find answers. Let the world , my world be like it is. It is the best thing to do. There should be no change. There can be no change. It will just lead me to another breakdown. That will be something I will not be able to handle. What's the point in disturbing my world when there isn't a way out? It will only cause heartache to me and just a few people who bother about me. I will have to accept everything. I don't know what I want. So it seems right I should accept what I have and accept what I can't have. Day dreaming is not going to make things happen. There is no way to get what I want, I don't even know what I want. Depression seems a tiny word to describe what I feel. I am not even sure if I feel it, I must be my imagination. I may be making things up. I may not be in so bad condition as I feel myself to be in, may be I am used to exaggerate my feelings. There isn't any point in what I am writing anyway. It just feels good to let it out ! If someone hears my thoughts they will call me foolish. I often find myself wondering how foolish I am..how stupidly emotional , wanting , hurting , childish. I wanted a better me, but I don't seem to get anywhere near me. Everyday is the same..with the same routine of "doing nothing". Even if I get a mundane job, be a clerk or something or be a teacher if I could , nothing will change. I will still want a nicer job that will satisfy me and still I will have no idea what job I want. May be I will be married, who knows, and may be not. What's the point in dragging anyone in my life. I can be as sad as I want to, but why try to bring sadness in someone else's life. Its funny I can't even explain why I feel this way, why I feel so damn depressed and sad and empty. All the positivity is like a flicker. It lasts for seconds or minutes or hours .That 's it.
Again I am back to square one. I talk to people, I don't know what they think of me. In real life I can't really talk all this stuff. I don't think anyone will bother or even understand. I thought of writing out my thoughts, it lasted a few days. Its been like four-five days since I last wrote. I just don't know what to do anymore. Its been a really long battle with myself. I am tired. It will go on for forever. Sometimes life seems like a rubbish load that I have been destined to carry. I am no use to anyone. I am no use to myself. I am this ....whatever. May be will laugh on re-reading this . Laugh is not the word. I will be amazed I guess.
