Need guy advice

[bornshy]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and was hoping I could get some advice.

First, I'm a 26 yo female and have always been pretty shy, especially when it comes to men. I have a hard time holding a conversation with anyone except my mother most of the time. Small talk to me is like torture. I even get shy around my best friends that I've known since elementary school.

Here is my problem. There is a guy at work that thinks I'm cute and wants to get to know me better. His friend basically told me this and asked (without his permission) whether I was interested. I basically told her the truth. I thought he was cute, but I'm a loner. I like to be by myself. Well, she told him that he should ask me out anyways even though I told her otherwise. So he did try to ask me out and I told him that I didn't want to go out with anyone. Then about a week later he was bugging me about giving him my number and finally I just did because I was sick of him asking. About 15 minutes after giving him my number he called me. That was ok I guess, but then he told me to call him when I woke up later that day. (We work overnight so I sleep during the day) The next day he was texting me at work, but I left my phone home by accident. When I checked it he had sent "Hey sexy." I know this sounds weird, but it bothered me. A lot. I felt really uncomfortable and it made me instantly not like him. For the past couple of days he has been calling me, but I don't answer. Is that wrong? I am very, very, very naive when it comes to relationships and I just don't know how to deal with him. I have to see him at work in a couple of days and I am afraid I hurt his feelings. What do I say? He has had my number for 3 days and I already feel suffocated by him. I'm really freaking out about seeing him Saturday night at work. Help!

 

[klytus]

I find his behavior perfectly natural. Given that you told this mutual female friend of yours that you think he is cute and that you are a loner - that is, you are shy-ish and reclusive - it is almost obvious that he acts this way to make you feel better about yourself. First you reject him, but he anticipated that since he was convinced you like him, but are too shy to openly display the attraction, so he kept asking you for your number. The number eventually obtained, he texted you - naturally, because that's what cell phones are there for - and thought you might feel better about yourself if he told you that he finds you sexually attractive.

1. If you don't want him at all, why tell the girl you find him cute? It was clear from the situation that she was going to dispatch the news to him. By saying that you are a loner you basically told them to help you get together with someone. - They can't read your mind. Hence all their actions are based on the information you give them.

2. If you reject a guy only to later accept him by giving him your number, it's a clear sign that you are interested. All his deeds are based on his interpretation of the situation.

 

[PennyLane]

Maybe Klytus is right...but i'd find that a lot after 3 days too.. a couple of nice texts would have been good. I think he's gone about it the wrong way...he should have taken it slower.

If you like him, at least he's making it easy for you and you can be sure he's keen! If not I say calling and texting someone so much in a few days is a bit immature (i presume hes around your age) especially if you weren't answering. I don't know him so I could be way off though!

 

[Satine]

Ouch! Doesn't sound like a nice situation to be in, you have my sympathies.

1. If you don't want him at all, why tell the girl you find him cute? It was clear from the situation that she was going to dispatch the news to him. By saying that you are a loner you basically told them to help you get together with someone. - They can't read your mind. Hence all their actions are based on the information you give them.

To be fair, the OP could have thought it would just remain between her and the girl she spoke to. There is such a thing as a private chat. How obvious it was that the information would be passed on may depend on the tone the friend used when asking.

2. If you reject a guy only to later accept him by giving him your number, it's a clear sign that you are interested. All his deeds are based on his interpretation of the situation.

Although this is a grey area, there is such a thing as having a guy on your back relentlessly and not giving up ever, bothering you for one little bit of information over and over and over and never shutting up ever, so you end up giving him the info just to shut him up. To be honest, I've been there myself and while it may be perceived as teasing, frankly I wish more men would get the hint that, if a girl says no the first 500 times, she probably means it and any eventualy relenting and offering of said number is not a result of willing exchange of information.

The fact that the OP gave him her cell phone number also facilitates the blocking of his advances, so it's not a distaster, I feel.

The situation is pretty complicated, especially from his point of view.

His friend told him you were interested. This was a lie, but he didn't know that. He took an interest in you and you acted shy. He took that to mean you just find it difficult to chat, but because his friend had said you were interested, he's taken that to be the truth. This seems to be the basis on which he is bugging you.

I think there's something to be said in pushing a very shy person out of their comfort zone - I myself needed a handful of outgoing colleagues/friends to get me to do the same - but there is a fine line between doing that and blatantly pushing a shy individual into something they genuinely don't want to do.

He's crossed that line with you, but because of the dynamic his friend set up and probably also because of wishful thinking on his part, he's not going to take a rejection easily from you. He'll see it as just you playing hard to get and being cute for as long as he can.

It's tricky knowing just what to do in this situation, but what you might benefit from is learning how to do a smackdown on such a man. I'm afraid they can be a bit pushy sometimes, and as much as you might not want to hurt a man's feelings, learning the smackdown is vital to make sure you're not taken advantage of in the future.

Next time he sends you a text, reply saying you're not interested and please, will he leave you alone? Presumably it'll carry on after this, so be prepared to continue to say no. If he calls, say the same. If he meets you in person, do the same and then walk away. After you've said it a few times, refuse to answer his calls or speak to him face to face.

Other things you might want to do:

- Block his number on your phone. If he asks why you've done that, say it's because you're not interested.
- Socialise with other men. Might be tricky considering your confidence levels, but there's never been a better excuse to do this - it should give him a strong message.
- Remind him you have a dad and brothers who will happily 'have a word' with him if he keeps on deciding your no means yes.
- Loudly tell him you're not interested in front of other people if he collars you in public. If he's subjected to other people hearing that he's being a creep and harrassing you, that should embarrass him into giving up.
- You might benefit from reading a few stories from this blog: Psychotic Letters From Men. This isn't to say he'll get this bad, but if you want to get a sense of the essence of women who can push unwanted male attention away, that'll be a good (and entertaining) resource.

On another note, I understand perfectly when you say small talk is difficult. I've only ever really managed it when it's with someone I share an interest with. Try to talk socially with people you sare interests with - psychology, skiing, chess, whatever is your wont - and you might just find it's all easier.

 

[Jake123]

I wouldn't take "hey sexy" as offensive. I think you're overreacting a bit... Really these days it's more of a greeting. I'm sure he didn't mean it in a rude way. Not to mention it was only a text. His behaviour was perfectly normal, try to give him a chance!

 

[PennyLane]

I wouldn't take "hey sexy" as offensive. I think you're overreacting a bit... Really these days it's more of a greeting. I'm sure he didn't mean it in a rude way. Not to mention it was only a text. His behaviour was perfectly normal, try to give him a chance!

I dont think its offensive..but its not really normal either. Its a bit much right at the start and the constant calls and texts in 3 days. I wouldn't like it.

Even if I like a guy I would expect him to text or maybe call and then wait for a response and then react to that.

I guess it all comes down to if you are interested...

 

[klytus]

Its a bit much right at the start and the constant calls and texts in 3 days. Even if I like a guy I would expect him to text or maybe call and then wait for a response and then react to that.

Eh. It is normal to call again if the person didn't answer the phone. After all, he wants to speak with her. He is just giving her chances to respond.

 

[Satine]

I think 'hey sexy' is a bit borderline. I think maybe he should only start calling her that after she's shown a distinct sign of being interested. Again, he mistook some of her actions as interest, but still.

 

[klytus]

It really depends on his view of reality. There is nothing wrong with calling someone "sunshine" or "sexy" jokingly. They are young. It's just meant to make the person feel better about the presumably stressful situation. Of course, I agree that his overall way of dealing with this is immature.

 

[trouble8989]

As a guy, i can tell you that what he is doing is fairly normal. We tend to try and claim something or someone we like as ours, it's normal. The thing is if you don't like him ignore him or confront him about it. But on the other hand this could be a good learning experience for you if you do just take the step and go out with him. Now, that doesn't mean you need to have sex or even kiss him, but it would be good to put yourself in this new situation. Also, when i go out with the girl most of the pressure is on me, so don't worry about conveying anything. He'll try and find "commonalities"... just go with the conversation.