Ok I'm shy... SO WHAT?

[The_9th_passenger]

You know... it's always the same... last night I went to a job mates party (around 50 people) and all the girls I was with started saying I was so shy (one even said I was "getting afraid of them") and I became angry so I left after having supper, you know, I just didn't feel like spending all night long with that stupid lot of peole so I went back home.

This morning I though about it and something was in my mind all the time: ok... so I'm shy.... so what? Am i supposed to change?, am I supposed to suicide?, am I supposed to kill my parents in vengeance?
What the f*** hell can I do if I'm shy?
But the worst of all is that everytime they call me shy they are underestimating me and I feel like they don't have any respect for me. I just don't mind anyone telling me I'm shy. I already noticed it :roll: but what about underestimating me? They treat me like I'm inferior and I just can't let them do that. I think I'm a person and so I deserve the same RESPECT than any other person. Being shy does not mean having less brains, courage, heart, strength... so what?

 

[The_9th_passenger]

I forgot ssomething very imortant

Is it possible to change? Is it possible to stop being shy?
Anyway, nobody has a right to judge me that way like I was "an inferior living form".

 

[LibertadIlusoria]

Sometimes people at school or on the bus ask why I don't talk much.
My usual response is "I don't like to talk to people I hate." (since usually only assholes would even ask that, especially since they say it in such a sarcastic tone.)
Sometimes they go away, sometimes they don't. Maybe that isn't the best way to handle the situation, but at least sometimes it works. I don't know if I will ever be able to change, maybe with some kind of medication, but I am too afraid to go talk to a doctor.

 

[lucidity]

Hey 9th passenger !
I would have done the same thing. I don't mind being told that I am shy, but there is a certain tone that some people use that drives me mad.
I find it easier to accept that comment from girls rather than guys though. Cause when you are around guys you are suposed to be loud and silly and outgoing.
I can't say if it's wrong or right to be shy or even if you should try to change. Sorry.

 

[blight]

It is always the same 9th passenger. Why are some people so drawn to that question? What do they actually want to learn from asking it?? If someone asks me that I usually end up sort of smirking at them and just walking away becuase it is usually asked in almost a confrontational way. Don't try to stop being shy unless it is preventing you from achieving what you want to in life-- that is my advice.

 

[young]

I forgot ssomething very imortant

Is it possible to change? Is it possible to stop being shy?
Anyway, nobody has a right to judge me that way like I was "an inferior living form".

yes.. if your willing to make a conscious effort. and noone really judged you. you put out all the signs that you were shy. so they read your signs. not many people know of sa. and why you weren't being "shy". this day and age most women want the male to approach them. since they read you as being shy. they didn't approach you. most women want a man to take charge. to lead the way.

 

[4myself]

Hey, 9th passenger, you let them have it!. It is crap living in a world where shyness is treated as if its some horrible disease, or as if you are a criminal becasue you dont talk much.

 

[The_9th_passenger]

It's better that they think you are shy instead of stuck up and arrogant. At least you remain approachable. What evidence do you have to support what the girls thought of you. They said you were shy and one said you were afraid of them. And likely you were. (Okay perhaps 'afraid' was a poorly chosen word.)
The rest (being underestimated, inferior, less intelligent) could just be the SA. We will tend to believe others think less of us that they do. Shit, most of the time people don't really care. But, we attempt to mindread by interpreting actions one way that could have other interpretations.

You, without a doubt, deserve the same respect given anyone. Could whatever they did that made you think there was a lack of respect be interpreted any other way?

Can this all change? Certainly can. Will you become the life of the party? Likely not. That simply isn't you. But you can certainly learn conversation techniques and how to allow insentivities of others not to affect you allowing you to lead a more 'normal' life style.

Well, what to say?.... I just would prefer them to think I'm arrogant. I don't need assholes to aproach me that way.

I have been even close to go to jail so actually I'm supposed to be dangerous 8) . But if anyone thinks you are a nerd just because of your look... what the hell am I supposed to do? My response is to let go and walk away from such motherfuckers.

Shit! I'm almost 35 years old!!! Of course I've had enough of getting drunk in partys and such things! I grew up and now i'm more serious!
So... should i be afraid of two crazy and drunk girls who just go shouting aloud like bitches?? for gods sake!

About the lack of respect... ok... imagine you are 35 years old and a guy or a girl of about 22 says you are afraid of him/her and touches your shoulder like they are protecting you or something. For heavens sake! I'm not a child! I'm a man! And quite more than they are!
You know... I just can't be friend with someone who treats me like I'm a mentally handicapped person or something like that.

LibertadIlusoria I like your style :wink: and why did you choose such nick in Spanish?

Chavette : what does "chav" mean?

 

[The_9th_passenger]

Ok I'l, try to say it again just to ensure I make it ckear.

It's not only that I don't like the sound of the words "you are shy", but it's just that when they say so, they cut off my possibilities to be anything but shy. Ok? I mean they turn me into shy at the same second they say "you are shy". If they didn't take notice I'm shy i would not be shy and the party would end up with me being "the life of the party" or just being one more person in the party. But I would not have felt so uncomfortable with that people if they had not said I'm shy and all that staff. And at the same time I can't understand how is it that a couple of bad educated girls feel so important to tell me such things when I'm quite older than them.
Probably I've got a problem with my look because that shit happens to me all the time :roll: I even have tried out things like kissing a girl just to prove to her I'm not a puppet or what the hell they take me for :evil:

 

[lostboi]

I even have tried out things like kissing a girl just to prove to her I'm not a puppet or what the hell they take me for

So what happened? Did you feel any more confident than before? Maybe you need to first try being around people that are less judgemental if you can. Being around someone or a group of people that are constantly pointing out what we feel is our weakness is not going to help us overcome our fear.

 

[The_9th_passenger]

I even have tried out things like kissing a girl just to prove to her I'm not a puppet or what the hell they take me for

So what happened? Did you feel any more confident than before? Maybe you need to first try being around people that are less judgemental if you can. Being around someone or a group of people that are constantly pointing out what we feel is our weakness is not going to help us overcome our fear.

I bet it helped. A lot.

How right you are about judgemental people. The proof is that I never have that problem with my friends.

 

[LibertadIlusoria]

-----------------------------------

 

[The_9th_passenger]

LibertadIlusoria I like your style :wink: and why did you choose such nick in Spanish?

Thanks!
I was paranoid about people finding me on google, so I used the Spanish version of the screen name that I've been using for things when I signed up here (I'm not paranoid!) I just came up with "IllusoryFreedom" when I was trying to think of a new name to use online. There is no such thing as true freedom, it is all an illusion...

Well I just thought you were spanish like me
I disagree on what you say about freedom but it's ok. (Please don't lets discuss that here)

 

[The_9th_passenger]

Now that it's been explained I have a clearer idea of the situation.
It's pretty extrodinary that, at 35, someone 13 years younger than you would assume they can understand your circumstances. They are obviously so closed in their own situation that they can't step out to see a different point of view or see you as someone whose experience may have been useful.

And even if you didn't get angry and feel like swearing, you were right to leave the party...after eating of course.

I actually didn't get angry until I went away from the restaurant and as drived my car back home all those ideas came out and when I arrived home I realized I was angry about all that.
During the supper I told them I was "not in my natural element" and I think they undertood.
Yesterday I went to work and found three of those girls who think I should have stayed and go party with them. One of them -after I explained again that "I was not in my natural element"- told me it was my own fault for not integrating me with them. (I don't know if you say such thing in English but means I wasn't able to mix with them). Then when that girl told me taht I became angry again and furious because I know all that trobles come from Social Phobia. I am getting over it but there are still some moments like these that make me feel anxious again and make me go away from a social event just because I knew I would not be able to handle a good relation with these girls because they tend to not respect other people around and I don't want to stand that. So actually I do not even want to have the least relation with that kind of person. This is why I left and this is why I was "afraid". And even more... being 34 does not help soften the problem but just the oposite, because it makes me even more angry with myself about not being able of handing those situations.
In short: I saw it was a fight I wouldn't be able to handle so I run away.
The worst of all is that they were right: I was afraid.
Now... I still have the same question in my mind: what the hell do I do if I am shy and all that shit and I'm almost 35 and nothing seems to change no matter how hard I fight against it.
I feel like I have lost an important battle and have gone several steps backwards from the position I had reached with my constant efforts.
Today I need some comfort because all that shit makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
Something more happened yesterday that relates a little with that story but I'll explain it in a different topic.

 

[The_9th_passenger]

well if you go onto www.chavscum.co.uk im sure you'll understand, but i bet you'll hate me coz im a chav - everyone does

but also www.chavvie-chaz.piczo.com thats my website and has alot of chav things on it.

THANKS! What a fun! What a terrifying humor that chavscum page has!!
I really needed that to freshen my ideas.
Now I can see what a chav is and can tell you something about it.
Those girls I told about in this topic geting drunk and shouting aloud and telling me I was afraid of them were 125 % chavs :lol:
In Spain there's plenty of people like that who dress in sport style (although they practice nò sport but picking up beer pints :lol: ) yeah... they are almost sweet in their simple life.
I use to have problems with exactly that kind of people because they tend to be ordinary & have no respect for anyone (not mentioning when drunk), although there are some "chavettes" there at work who treatme really nice. There's some girls who are so sweet to me it makes me laugh as they tenderly smile to me to welcome me back to work with them. So sweet! So I don't hate chavs OK? (I hate chavettes even less :wink: )
Maybe it's just because I am too much well educated and they think of me as a "nice, shy guy", and a "rich boy" (I'm definetely not as I suffer to pay all my fees and have to work 6 days a week among chav people to make a living).

I'm just learning how to live with chavs around me jajaj

 

[The_9th_passenger]

I've had enough time to think about it all in a more quiet way and Ive' come to some conclusions I just want to tell you.
And here you are:

1.- I probably had an SA crises in that damn crhistmas work party

2.- That was due to a situation I felt I was not able to handle: drunk and crazy chav people going crazy because of alcohol effects

3.- They took me for a 18 years old shy boy

4.- I'm shy all right (thanks to them for remembering me such nice personal blessing) BUT I'm not a boy.

5.- I went away to avoid confrontation.

6.- I feel like losing a battle because of that (bc of going away) but at least I tried. They could have helped me instead of laughing at my shyness (although it all was joke... but I just don't like people putting their fingers in my shyness you know... I feel better if I don't feel like a freak or something)

7.- Actually... if I had followed my instinct nothing had happened. I should have never gone to that stupid party with people I know I'm not able to be friends with. I don't feel ok when I'm with them. (But I do feel alright when I go out with my friends so maybe it's not my problem)

8.- I don't like anybody calling me shy.

9.- WHY? (this question is of the utmost importance) as I told several times, I don't enjoy at all feeling like I'm a kind of "inferior form of life" just because when I was a little baby I took the decision "I'll never be a mentally healthy nice person"

10.- I have been thinking shyness is not so bad... you'll find it difficult to join others parties and to get yourself a chick but nothing much burden. Many shy people has a partner/bf/gf or are even married so it doesn't seem to be an obstacle.

11.- So then... what does shyness have that makes as feel so bad around it? Do we feel inferior? Do we feel ashamed of it? and why? Could it be society who push as to feel ashamed of our weakness?

12.- Is it shame? I seem to feel ashamed of myself whenever somebody realizes (how clever of them) that I'm shy and insecure cause I don't want others to see me that way.

13.- God knows it's not what I would have chosen if I'd had the chance to choose, would I?

14.- Is it possible to "cure" shyness? if answer is YES then good! I'm on my way to fix it up let's hope in some years. But what if answer is NO?

15.- ANd there you are... what you've been waiting for a thousand years: my militar response to shyness:

a) On one hand I'll keep on doing just what I was doing to "cure" my shyness bc it seems to work or at least it seemed until that f**** damn party... grrr!! :evil: (for more information on that shyness fighting method apply to me, but be patient... these are not easy things to explain)

b) on the other hand... in prevention of being the answer NO the right one to the above stated question... I've set my mind to accept my shyness and my lack of self-confidence and embrace it as a treasure because it's mine, it's part of what's me and so once I've accepted I'm shy and once I've accepted shyness is not so bad... nothing will happen when somebody calls me shy.


...and finally: I regret (just a bit) myself for being such an idiot and posting such despair words here just because some drunk silly girls thought they were doing right by telling me they've had discovered I was shy and that I was afraid of a bunch of drunken ordinary girls. Big Deal :roll:

...and to all that have tried to help me:
thanks

 

[Richey]

The last few parties i have been to lately i ended up leaving early because i just found it difficult enterring the conversation. I feel my weakness is keeping a conversation interesting and alot of the time the other people are speaking another language that they are all in tune with. I find it all a big clash of ego's and who is the funniest and i find it an extremely harrowing experiance sometimes. I just wonder how the hell these people are able to think of something funny so quickly. And then people try and put me down because i don't have much to say instead of helping me out.

 

[Whizz21]

Hello The_9th_passenger, You might have heard this saying before: perception is reality. That would be my answer to you when you say 'other underestimate you' They might well do but it is because you don't portray the full picture of who you are to them. Your shyness is preventing for this to happen through a lack of communication skills. Nothing that can't be improved with time and practice though; I should know.


This morning I though about it and something was in my mind all the time: ok... so I'm shy.... so what? Am i supposed to change?, am I supposed to ******?, am I supposed to kill my parents in vengeance?
What the f*** hell can I do if I'm shy?
But the worst of all is that everytime they call me shy they are underestimating me and I feel like they don't have any respect for me. I just don't mind anyone telling me I'm shy. I already noticed it :roll: but what about underestimating me? They treat me like I'm inferior and I just can't let them do that. I think I'm a person and so I deserve the same RESPECT than any other person. Being shy does not mean having less brains, courage, heart, strength... so what?[/quote]

 

[kalhan]

You know... it's always the same... last night I went to a job mates party (around 50 people) and all the girls I was with started saying I was so shy (one even said I was "getting afraid of them") and I became angry so I left after having supper, you know, I just didn't feel like spending all night long with that stupid lot of peole so I went back home.

This morning I though about it and something was in my mind all the time: ok... so I'm shy.... so what? Am i supposed to change?, am I supposed to suicide?, am I supposed to kill my parents in vengeance?
What the f*** hell can I do if I'm shy?
But the worst of all is that everytime they call me shy they are underestimating me and I feel like they don't have any respect for me. I just don't mind anyone telling me I'm shy. I already noticed it :roll: but what about underestimating me? They treat me like I'm inferior and I just can't let them do that. I think I'm a person and so I deserve the same RESPECT than any other person. Being shy does not mean having less brains, courage, heart, strength... so what?

i hate when people tell me when im shy. this girl at my school so doesnt do it that much (im glad for that) but ever once in a while she'll come up to me and say hey how come you dont talk. and mostly i give a stupid reply and i feel like i could sit a cry but i just hide my emotions at school but at home im pretty much fine but when i end up talking to a girl im scared to death. i feel like i could die of embrassment at any moment.

 

[Vero20]

Para el noveno pasajero:
En Aliens, el alien era el octavo verdad? Tu eres el noveno de la misma nave? Jeje. Sabes yo no soy de España, pero compartimos el idioma por ser ecuatoriana, seguro has de ver a muchos de los mios por alla, y bueno el fastidio de aquel comentario sobre la timidez. Bueno aunque yo solo tengo 18, he vivido gran parte de mi vida con esto que no se si llamar timidez o Fobia social, y con continuos comentarios de por que eres asi o d esta manera. Ultimamente he notado que he ido expresandome mas que de lo de costumbre, aunque hay otras veces que creo dar dos pasos hacia atras. La razon? Pues encontre bastant ayuda en este link, espero que te sirva http://www.shyrelease.com/default.asp
Por cierto yo creo que un hombre educado es siempre deseable