Unknown Sample

[Opaline]

I'm an English major and planning on most likely teaching in some way, but ^that sort of thing has made me think I should reconsider. A professor of mine said teaching is like performing. And I guess that should have been obvious to me - all of the issues with teaching for someone with social anxiety should have been obvious - but it's easy to overlook them when you're not actually in the field yet. I honestly wonder if teaching would end up being a nightmare for me. It's a lot of management of people, and I've always said I would never want to be a manager.

Sorry, that post was about me, but reading some of your posts on this has reinforced some of the doubts I've had about my intended career field.

And it sounds like you really struggle with it. Is there any way you can take classes or something and find a different sort of job?

 

[Odo]

^Well, it depends a lot on the age of the people you're teaching.

This is a university student we're talking about, not an 8 year old. I don't think I've ever been intimidated by younger children... though I have to admit, in some of the schools where I was teaching rich kids they could be pretty horrible-- in fact, some of the worst experiences of my career have been teaching classes with spoiled rich kids.

So yes, my advice would be to avoid teaching rich kids and avoid teaching really poor kids (though poor is better than rich)... aim for lower/middle-middle class (assuming there even is a middle class when you graduate!).

Plenty of poor kids have been really cool despite their issues... but rich kids will almost always suck. And even if all of them don't suck, the majority probably will. They are heartless little psychopaths whose parents don't know how to raise children and want successful little robots who basically recreate their evil parents entirely.

I taught rich kids once and I got the impression they didn't spend so much time just being kids, so they had this very adult way of tearing you down. I honestly couldn't even think of them as children, or even people... they had heaps of expectations and demands and if you didn't meet them they would go for the jugular without reservations or tact.

I can remember once I fell off my bike and had to have my arm in a sling, and I HATED having to go in there because I didn't want to show any weakness... and one of the little shits even accused me of faking it. When I mistakenly divulged my sister's job (NEVER tell rich kids anything about your personal life), they actually said to me 'why is she so successful while you're a BAD teacher?'.

To be fair, I wasn't doing so well at that school and wasn't really trying to get better... but that was mostly because I felt horrible about myself and hated pretty much every aspect of my life at the time. Being abused (and it was abuse) by children was just part of my misery.

Still, even though I wasn't the best teacher, good students wouldn't have behaved that way, so I really have no reservations about referring to them as demons... and if I heard that they were all killed when their school bus burst into flames on a field trip, I would smile. To be honest, just remembering them now, I seriously hope that at least one or two of them have died of leukemia, a few of them have contracted AIDS (from a cheating husband who takes business trips to Thailand on a regular basis)... and that some of the less demonic ones have developed alopecia or gotten bloody leaky hemorrhoids or contracted herpes from when their whoring businessman fathers kissed them goodnight in a drunken stupor when they were 13.

But the horrifying truth of the matter is that I'm sure they're very successful and probably very healthy... and even if they DO have AIDS, they're getting the best drugs possible, to the point where nobody even knows they have it, which sucks.

I guess the big irony here is that my anxiety/shyness wasn't a huge issue until I actually started to care about doing a good job. I think when I was a bad teacher I could just go in and not care about anything... and if the students didn't like it, tough. But at some point I got tired of being a fraud... I think it was right around the time I got a decent job with some really sweet kids (they were from a poorer area, actually) who made me realize that they deserved a lot better than the guy who doesn't give a shit.

So then I began the long, difficult process of becoming the patient, caring, attentive, sensitive, enthusiastic, energetic, morally upstanding and socially conservative fake human being that gets up in front of the class every day and actually acts the part and therefore deserves respect (of course deserve's got nothing to do with it-- kids can be superficial ****s and sometimes they just don't like the way you look).

But it also means I have a lot more to do and think about... and it really does wear you down just to be 'on' all the time, especially when students/people expect you to be the same way outside of work. And I'm not even a real teacher.

But yes, being a public figure means it's harder to be completely anonymous. You will run into your students in public... and not just the ones you have now, but the ones you had in previous years. And you will also run into their parents... and some of the parents might not like you. Sometimes you just want to be left alone but if you're a really good teacher and lots of students like you, you're more likely to be approached and then you have to be on again.

I can remember doing elementary school classes where I was goofy and full of energy and super popular to boot... but when the bell rang I would completely collapse and not want to talk to anyone. I would have my headphones on and usually fell asleep on the bus, then got home and spent the entire evening enjoying the quiet and not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone.

There is no telling what will happen to you if you become a teacher, Opaline... but there's a reason that teachers tend to be stressed a lot of the time and it is a job that lends itself to burnout and heart attacks. It's especially bad now that they aren't the authority figures they used to be and are more likely to get blamed for the student's failures than the students themselves. Oh, and they tend to bear the brunt of a lot of hostility from the public... some people just don't like teachers, probably because they have memories of their own school experience and it's full of teachers who wouldn't listen to their brilliant ideas or tell them how special they were, and now their lives are not what they should be because of it.

I'm not saying you can't do it, and I'm sure you could even excel... but things aren't getting better for teachers and you would probably make more money doing something else.

 

[Odo]

So they installed a security camera right outside the door to my room.

I have to admit, it has changed how I feel about being here. I didn't really expect them to trust me wholeheartedly, but I HATE the idea that they're observing my comings and goings. I've never experienced this in any other ESL job I've had... well, as far as I know. I guess Korea could have done the same thing.

I went running last night and couldn't sleep afterwards, so I took a walk late at night... and I guess that's when I started really noticing all the cameras on campus. I actually started to feel a little paranoid about them watching me or thinking I was up to no good just because I went for a walk so late at night.

Then I walked out of my room this morning and saw two men installing a camera that looks straight down the hallway where all of the foreign teacher's rooms are. Every time I walk by it, I project hatred from my eyes straight into its lens... I feel like Walter White in Gus Fring's meth lab.

I think it's probably connected to the fact that they're super paranoid about us sleeping with students... they made a special point of bringing that up in our meeting with the department supervisor person.

But I guess the good news is that if they have a camera there, then they probably don't have tiny cameras in my room watching me live my pathetic life.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Yikes! All of those cameras would make me so paranoid!

 

[BlueDays]

Yikes! All of those cameras would make me so paranoid!

^ Me too!
If they are so concerned about stopping the teachers sleeping with the students, I would be paranoid that they would put a hidden camera in the bedroom, in case they think you might try and sneak a girl passed the hallway cameras disguised as a guy!

Someone should invent a little contraption that can detect hidden cameras anywhere in a room, it could beep loudly the closer you get to the camera.
Then if you want to do anything personal, you could put something inconspicuous like a lamp shade or backpack in front of it when you want to do anything personal. :bigsmile:

 

[MollyBeGood]

Odo if you can make it though this teaching position successfully with SA and all then you will be my hero. I thought about substitute teaching in the US a few years ago but was talked out of it for obvious reasons.

When you combine teaching then the foreign country with it's cultures and traditions being so different and also add struggles we have with our mental issues on SPW (plus the damn cameras now!) I am rooting for you!

 

[MollyBeGood]

^ Me too!
If they are so concerned about stopping the teachers sleeping with the students, I would be paranoid that they would put a hidden camera in the bedroom, in case they think you might try and sneak a girl passed the hallway cameras disguised as a guy!

Someone should invent a little contraption that can detect hidden cameras anywhere in a room, it could beep loudly the closer you get to the camera.
Then if you want to do anything personal, you could put something inconspicuous like a lamp shade or backpack in front of it when you want to do anything personal. :bigsmile:

I think they do have one for a phone tapping device detector. There is some way to tell if your phones are being tapped but no one uses landlines anymore anyways and we all know our cell phones are not private.

I would worry they do have cameras in the rooms, too. I bet your right. My God what an insane country!

 

[Odo]

Odo if you can make it though this teaching position successfully with SA and all then you will be my hero. I thought about substitute teaching in the US a few years ago but was talked out of it for obvious reasons.

When you combine teaching then the foreign country with it's cultures and traditions being so different and also add struggles we have with our mental issues on SPW (plus the damn cameras now!) I am rooting for you!

Wow thanks Molly... that's really nice of you to say!

I mostly just throw myself into these situations without thinking too much about them because it's easier to keep following the demand for ESL than to stay at home and try to get a 'real' job. But yes, it was getting harder before my 'break' and I have to admit, a few weeks in and I'm asking myself exactly how long I will be able to last here. I'm lucky that I've managed to click somewhat with the other foreign teachers... that will definitely help with everything.

I've also decided to cut out as much processed food as I can, and try to dial down my sugar intake. I have been running and doing pushups as well, which is also helping... but sometimes in the morning I'm a pathetic, shivering nervous wreck. I know for a fact that if I was living in one of the cities as opposed to this bubble of a university out in the countryside, I would be packing to leave right now.

Even the small cities here are INSANE. It's an endless barrage of honking horns, e-bikes and scooters on the sidewalks, smoke, smog, and staring at the foreigner(s)... and they're always long, drawn-out stares as well. At least at the university most people are asleep at night.

But university life is insane in it's own way-- the classes are a lot bigger and all foreign teachers are extremely visible. It's like we're sort of trapped here with the students.

Also, there's all the extracurricular stuff that I've always dreaded-- today a guy was asking us if we played musical instruments because he expects us to be part of a concert for the whole university... my friend was about to explain that I play guitar but I stopped him just before he 'volunteered' me for a performance. I'm sure some people would love the audience and yes, I get that they want us to build rapport with the students/impress them... but I've never played in front of anyone ever. I have no idea what would happen if I played in front of an audience of 15 people, let alone a whole university!!!

The worst thing about it is probably that I really do wish I was brave enough to do it and I really hate the idea of disappointing my students, as well as looking like I'm scared in front of them. I've done this before with these kinds of events-- volleyball tournaments, basketball games, etc... I think they still like me, but I am also aching to be the 'cool' teacher who does these things and doesn't have anything holding him back... it's not a good example to set if I chicken out, but yeah, paralyzing fear and such.

I honestly think that since I'm teaching in a university now, people have it in their heads that there is simply no way that I could ever be shy about anything.

The camera thing is something that I think the Chinese are simply used to not asking questions about. They're supposed to just accept it all and not stand up to authority.

I've seriously been hit with so much information and so much new stuff I don't even know where to begin. Well, I guess I began with learning what the characters on some of the buses are... but yeah, it's going to take a while to get used to.

 

[Odo]

Tonight we had something called 'English Corner'.

I had no idea what it was, but was told that it merely involved talking to the students in small groups.

We arrived early and found that the room was crammed full of something like 60 students, and two other teachers were already doing it.

They were a couple from the US and they were both extremely extroverted. They had planned out a presentation and it involved lots of jokes and 'taboos'. I seriously cannot think of a worse topic to do in front of kids from a semi-repressive state who already half-suspect you're the devil/a sex pervert/deviant than polygamy, tattoos, homosexuality, etc. It's not that I have issues with these things, it's more that I don't want to come off as some sort of preachy champion of freedom or to be confrontational about these kinds of things... and I definitely wouldn't devote an entire lesson to a laundry list of things that nobody is supposed to talk about. I guess they didn't bring up the government though, so it's probably fine.

Their presentation also involved telling jokes and making funny noises. The kids laughed (well, in the beginning more than near the end), and said 'yes' or 'no' when they were asked if they wanted to get married or if they had tattoos... and for the full hour, that was the extent of their English practice.

If I remember correctly, I think they even asked the whole crowd if they were gay-- to which of course they all said 'no'. I can only imagine how the repressed homosexuals in the crowd felt at that moment. Or maybe they saw the foreigners as some sort of potential ray of hope in their lives when they made it seem like being gay in the west is easy. At one point they seriously told everyone they didn't want to have kids and the guy said babies weren't cute because they farted and pooped all the time, then actually made a pooping noise/pooping gesture (lifting his leg up)... he actually did it twice in case they didn't catch it the first time. I get that you want to tear down boundaries and share your culture with the world, but in that situation in this culture, I would be so afraid of appearing low class or coming off as a clown. I'm not saying I'm held in high regard (introverts never tend to shine), but I still want to feel like I have some dignity at the end of a lesson.

Still, I have to admit, they were getting a lot of laughs (an entire chorus, no less... people outside the room were actually interested in what was happening inside) and the kids seemed enthralled even if some of them were frustrated because they weren't practicing their English (I'm pretty sure that the majority already had 'yes', 'no' and 'hahaha' down at that point). I guess they were practicing their listening?

This just went on for an hour... they talked about all of these 'dangerous' and 'exciting' things and the guy made jokes. There was even another guy who just sat there in the audience and called things out in a really loud, humored voice... and then another teacher who had tattoos and was huge into tattoos talked about them with the kids. Maybe it's my cynical/conservative side, but I would never ever talk about things that I know are touchy subjects, especially in relation to myself. I actually do my best NOT to confirm all of the suspicions that Asians have about westerners.

It was really intimidating because I knew I would just be this shaky twitchy nervous guy and there is no way I could ever match their energy level. I'm not an entertainer, and in class my specialty is setting up activities and then getting the kids to do them while I go around and help. It takes their eyes off of me and I feel like I can get to know them much better if I talk to them one on one.

Anyways, when they were done I had this idea that we would just break them into groups and talk to them, which is what we were supposed to do in the first place. So we (there were 2 other teachers) moved the tables and chairs into 3 conversation groups and we just sat and talked to them. They actually had quite a few questions for us... but I felt guilty because some of them weren't talking at all and I'm not sure they understood. I definitely didn't match the energy level of the couple... not even close.

They knew I was nervous... and yes, I was constantly questioning whether or not what I was doing was of any value to any of them or whether they were disappointed or bored or upset. Of course, it's hard to get a read on that stuff anyways.

Someone asked me about the biggest difference between China and Canada and I said that Canada is new and China is old. I was trying to be really careful about what I said because I was terrified of saying something offensive or coming off as low class. I think I also said something about Canada being multicultural, but said it more like 'anyone can be Canadian, but not everyone can be Chinese'... which I think IS one of the biggest differences, really.

I thought that maybe they thought it was interesting, but I honestly couldn't tell. I have no idea what is in their textbooks or what they're told about other countries... so maybe it wasn't anything new.

I also ended up talking about Christmas in Canada and Christmas in Korea, because someone said that they didn't have Christmas in China. I think I said something about 'I wonder what Christmas in China would be like', because in Korea Christmas is about couples, not family. Maybe I could talk about that next week! But I'm not sure they understood what I was getting at.

Maybe I came off as a sort of old grandfather or something... but yeah, I guess at least I kept my dignity even if some of the students thought I was a little boring. But really, I think they wanted conversation, not entertainment, so I'm sure they were satisfied, if not enthusiastic. They definitely talked more in our half than in the first half!

 

[Odo]

All of these cameras, combined with this really great article I just read:

How to Protect Your Personal Data—and Humanity—From the Government - The Atlantic

have got me thinking about the ways in which just knowing you're being observed can be like a form of social engineering. And it's not just that I know I'm being observed, it's that I know I'm being observed by something that I do not fully understand.

A while ago I was reading about how particles behave differently when observed in the double-slit experiment... so observation actually changes the nature of reality.

I'm starting to wonder if the only real difference between a place like this and back home is that the surveillance style here is aggressively confrontational (obviously visible cameras pointed directly at you) that it PREVENTS the undesirable behavior and actually changes who you are. You eventually grow to accept that who you are while being watched is the 'true' you, I suppose.

But I wonder if there is a surveillance style so insidiously subtle that it doesn't even change your behavior... probably to provide the watchers with a much clearer picture of who you really are... something that can be exploited in potentially more profound ways.

I honestly wonder if a small group of people with a lot of power are changing the world into something so sinister that life itself becomes psychologically impossible and the only way out is to die. I wish I could dismiss these sorts of things as mere paranoia... but in some ways I worry that maybe if I don't kill myself soon, I won't even be able to die anymore... and I'll just keep coming back to this world until finally I'm forced to live in it forever, doing what it wants me to do... I suppose at the point where all technology is controlled by some future leader's irrational compulsion to subjugate.

 

[Odo]

So I had this idea for class that isn't in the book and since my classes are so enormous, it involved printing out 370 copies of something. I almost didn't do it because I figured it would take hours... so I asked around and was told that there was print room on campus.

When I got there, I was greeted by this horrible woman who was angry at me for waking her up. She asked me what I needed printed and I told her it was on a USB. She made this disgusted sound, opened the door, and I went to the computer while she turned on a Chinese TV show, which is apparently what she does all day besides sleep. There was seriously a day bed in there. I guess it can be pretty boring just sitting in a room that no one uses all day, but I honestly think they could do a lot better and save a lot of money with a helpful sign, keycard access and the honor system. This woman was seriously awful... I think she hated me for being a foreigner as well as disturbing her slumber.

So I get to the file, do the mandatory changes (they only have Excel 2003) and hit print 370 copies. Yes, this was a mistake... maybe a stupid one, I don't know.

Anyways, the machine starts going and I start asking myself 'is this it? I thought this was supposed to be a fancy copier that goes really fast?'... and then about 30 or so copies in the woman finally takes a break from her TV show and starts angrily trying to communicate with me. I guess the fancy copier wasn't connected to the computer, and I was using the regular one which was apparently a big deal.

So this fat little troll starts ranting and ranting angrily about it all... and yes, it was a mistake, but jesus **** if you could have pried your fat lazy *** away from the TV show for a few minutes and let me know how these things work in terms I can understand, maybe this unforgivably horrible disastrous sin of me printing about 30-40 copies in the regular copier could have been averted.

I was so pissed I started ranting back at her in English... stuff like 'you lazy bitch you get paid to do nothing all day and then you seriously get upset at me for THIS?'. When she finished the rest in the super fancy copier, I took the copies, said nothing to her except 'enjoy your TV shows', and then closed the door saying 'good night'.

I get that I don't speak Chinese so well yet (maybe I never will), but holy **** did that ever ruin my day. Here is someone who is supposed to be assisting with a SERVICE, and she is a nasty, miserable bitch who watches TV, sleeps all day, then gets pissed because someone else makes a mistake that was bound to happen since she took zero interest in helping me.

I seriously just complained about her to my boss-- hopefully the complaint will travel up the ladder, but I doubt it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

^so no Kinkos I take it?

 

[nodejesque]

That sounds infuriating. I hope that your week improves and that you no longer need copies.

 

[SoScared]

If you want something done ask a busy person.

 

[Odo]

If you want something done ask a busy person.

Yeah, really.

I guess it's harder to do stuff when you're not used to doing anything.

 

[Odo]

^so no Kinkos I take it?

I'm sure there's something like that somewhere around here, but this one's on campus and free.

 

[Odo]

That sounds infuriating. I hope that your week improves and that you no longer need copies.

Thanks!

Actually, she isn't the only one who watches TV for a living. There is also a 'dorm master' who looks after our building at night. She actually invites her husband to work so they can stream videos using the building wi-fi... at least, I think it's her husband. The daytime manager does the same thing but at least she handles things sometimes and is nice to talk to (she smiles a lot). Once she came to see me because she lost her internet and was bored because she couldn't watch TV.

Part of me thinks that this is left over from the communist period where everyone had to have a job, no matter how unnecessary... and you would get paid the same whether you were good at it or horrible at it.

 

[Odo]

So apparently the Liberals are probably going to form a majority government in Canada, which I'm not exactly over the moon about, but I'm SO glad that the ******* PM we had is going away.

Just to clear up some confusion because 'liberal' means different things in different countries-- the Liberals are actually our center-left party, led by the totally adorable, dreamy, sexy and cute Justin Trudeau.

Oh look, here he is wearing his luscious curls a little long like a bad boy:

To be fair, though... the Liberals have historically done some pretty great things for Canada, like universal health care and lots of great social programs. So yeah, they're not like the Aussie Liberals or the Danish Liberals. They're more like our version of the US Democrats, but more left.

But the important thing is that our old PM is GONE. He was an absolutely obnoxious twat who silenced climate science, made everything about the oil sands, sucked up to Israel for NO REASON, censored the media, ran on an ANTI-MUSLIM campaign (he seriously campaigned on the fact that he wanted to make it illegal for Muslims to wear traditional dress during citizenship ceremonies-- which is totally bullshit to begin with but the racism of it just makes it worse), was pushing hard for the Keystone pipeline, wanted Canada to be like some sort of warlike nation and acted like we're the new USA or something... basically, he was our George W Bush and because of our political system, we had to live with him for 11 goddam years.

I think that the thing I hated the most about him (besides his authoritarian dictator vibe) was how ugly and condescending he was. He was constantly saying the word 'obviously'. Apparently everything he said was so obvious that anyone who couldn't see it was a fool! He used it at the beginning of practically every statement he made. He ran ads that attacked Justin Trudeau as gay (not kidding), because he works out/boxes and is undeniably cute... there was seriously a campaign back in 2012 or 13 where he ran an ad featuring Justin's name in glittery pink letters, as if he was a ridiculous gay boy band candidate or something. Basically, he was a disgusting bully that Americanized our entire political process in the worst possible ways.

Now he's gone forever and I am incredibly relieved... and furthermore, the difference between the Liberals and the slightly more left NDP is so slight that it probably didn't matter which of them won.

Anyways, now our dollar is tumbling because all of the rich people are worried that Trudeau will actually care about the environment and they won't be able to make any money from the oil sands... which is dumb, because they weren't making any money from the oil sands anyways since the price of oil is already so low it's impossible to profit from the expensive process they use to extract it. This is a short term thing.

Also, he has what we call a 'majority government', which means his party has won enough seats that he's guaranteed to be in for 4 years, and will have enough power to make some real changes (minority governments don't give the PM much power and tend to collapse within a few years).

I REALLY hope he looks into re-regulating the environment-- now that oil prices are low it's the perfect time to do so. Getting back into Kyoto or a deal somewhat like it would be great, and he is DEFINITELY going to put emissions caps on the oil sands. I suppose a national carbon tax might be too much to hope for at this point, but if that happened I would be over the moon... he has been bringing it up in interviews, though. He is also going to bolster public works by running a short-term deficit-- which sounds pretty smart to me.

But seriously, our former PM was originally from a party called the Reform Party of Canada, which ended up devouring the center-right Progressive Conservative party so they could lend a credible brand name to their horrifying redneck right wing vision of Canada as this Alberta(our Texas)-centric free market warlike anti-immigration (WTF??? We don't have the space??) white person kingdom with Harper as its king.

This happened because in the 80s the center-right party gave us a TAX, which meant they were utterly destroyed in the following election and turned to the Reformers to survive. This was back when people didn't like trade agreements and were upset about NAFTA... which right wingers now love because it means all of our jobs go to Mexico and all of the hardworking rich Americans who deserve what they have get even more money than before, and they get to help themselves to our natural resources at bargain basement prices. So anyways, now we have a far-right crazypeople party, TWO center-left parties (who split the vote in the last election, helping crazy right wing ******* into power) and a true left wing party that isn't popular (The Greens).

Anyways, I'm glad to have the good Canada back-- the Liberals did well in the 90s too and that was when we were constantly topping the list of best living standards, etc.... now we're in 8th because of Harper. If Trudeau can hold onto power he might be able to reverse most of the BS.

 

[Nanita]

It's weird how the term liberal has different meanings. Where I live, liberal is very rightwing and I guess in the US it's not. But It could be because the whole political landscape is more to the left where I live. So******m here is only slightly to the left of the center, whereas in the US (and perhaps Canada) so******m is considered far left.

 

[Nanita]

Why was the word s o c i a l i s m just censored out of my post??!