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Odo
Banned
I think the Liberals started off with all of the free market stuff that is now associated with the right, but over the years came to represent other things... but they didn't want to change their name because they didn't want to lose their brand recognition.
So******m isn't THAT far left--the NDP was traditionally so******t and have governed provinces as well as being the second most popular Federal party in 2011, but now they've moved more to the center and they've dropped down to a distant third this time.
We're definitely NOT like the US-- our system is similar to the other constitutional monarchies, which have actually managed to do a much better job of being democratic and putting people over profit than the US.
The only real difference is that we tend not to have right or left wing coalitions like in Denmark and Germany... whichever party wins the election tends to lead without sharing power with the other parties, though they all have to work together in parliament.
There's no rule saying it can't happen, it just hasn't happened before so people aren't used to it. The last time the left-wing parties talked about a coalition it was seen as a power grab because the timing was really bad... but I think people would have been okay with it this time if the Conservatives had formed a weak minority (a government with the bare minimum of seats to win) instead of losing.
Odo
Banned
I really really really ****ing hate English Corner.
2 hours of me sitting there talking to a small handful of students, some of which can barely speak any English, is seriously agony.
Tonight I swore I wasn't going to repeat last week when I was seriously nervous as hell because I didn't know what to say a lot of the time, or was worried because there was laughter coming from other tables but not mine. It's seriously the worst when you feel like everyone else is being funny and sociable and you're this horrible nervous wreck who can't make anyone laugh.
So I did up a powerpoint and found another old one in case I had time left over... 2 hours is an extremely long period of time, after all. I brought in my laptop and showed them the PPTs... and I made it through the whole thing and there was more student talking time than probably at any other table, even though it meant less laughter. Still, I feel like I'm on the verge of coming in last place in a popularity contest.
Anyways, I have also started noticing patterns in my behavior that probably make me come off as really weak. I seriously said 'please' to a student who wouldn't go to the front of the classroom to make a speech... which I guess is being 'nice', but I think came off as weak. I do all kinds of things to sabotage myself and make myself appear weaker, less secure, and less confident than I actually am. People react to them as well.. they never say anything, but the sense of me being a weak person is there. It's probably a big part of why I've spent so many years alone, why I'm overseas instead of back home with a real life and a real job and a family. I really do want to believe that I've lived the life I've lived because of it's positive qualities, but I would say that the truth is probably more that I'm here because it was one of the easiest things I could do and even though I'm doing things that other people think would make them happy, I'm not completely sure that it's making me happy. But then, who even knows if I would be happy back home and married and all of that... but yes, I feel like in many ways I've been sabotaging myself from a very early age.
2 hours of me sitting there talking to a small handful of students, some of which can barely speak any English, is seriously agony.
Tonight I swore I wasn't going to repeat last week when I was seriously nervous as hell because I didn't know what to say a lot of the time, or was worried because there was laughter coming from other tables but not mine. It's seriously the worst when you feel like everyone else is being funny and sociable and you're this horrible nervous wreck who can't make anyone laugh.
So I did up a powerpoint and found another old one in case I had time left over... 2 hours is an extremely long period of time, after all. I brought in my laptop and showed them the PPTs... and I made it through the whole thing and there was more student talking time than probably at any other table, even though it meant less laughter. Still, I feel like I'm on the verge of coming in last place in a popularity contest.
Anyways, I have also started noticing patterns in my behavior that probably make me come off as really weak. I seriously said 'please' to a student who wouldn't go to the front of the classroom to make a speech... which I guess is being 'nice', but I think came off as weak. I do all kinds of things to sabotage myself and make myself appear weaker, less secure, and less confident than I actually am. People react to them as well.. they never say anything, but the sense of me being a weak person is there. It's probably a big part of why I've spent so many years alone, why I'm overseas instead of back home with a real life and a real job and a family. I really do want to believe that I've lived the life I've lived because of it's positive qualities, but I would say that the truth is probably more that I'm here because it was one of the easiest things I could do and even though I'm doing things that other people think would make them happy, I'm not completely sure that it's making me happy. But then, who even knows if I would be happy back home and married and all of that... but yes, I feel like in many ways I've been sabotaging myself from a very early age.
Odo
Banned
I swear that ever since I cut down on processed sugars I've been feeling a lot more depressed-- I don't think it's withdrawal necessarily, maybe it's just the shock that caused along with all the other shocks of living in a foreign culture and yes, no longer being in a relationship.
I honestly thought that China would be a country where I could get a lot of things, but it's not. From the way I kept hearing that it was one of the world's biggest economies and the fact that there's actually a Walmart in the smaller city (and several Walmarts in the big city), I was expecting there to be all kinds of innovative products and things from the future that would be available relatively cheap... if not everywhere, then at least available in the major centers-- but it's not like that at all.
I'm seriously starting to think that they just make things, then ship them away because very few people in China have enough money to buy them. Maybe in Beijing they have these things, I don't know. They're currently building a huge shopping complex with big neon lights just a little down the road from here, but it's completely empty and it's just sitting there in the middle of nowhere, amidst all the poverty, having no reason to exist other than its construction is keeping the economy growing. I can only imagine that the huge empty-looking apartment complexes just outside the town serve a similar purpose.
It's when I see shit like this that I realize China is in serious trouble and that the bubble is going to pop any day now. It's like this messed up need to grow that has almost no limitations and the end game is not to improve anything or try to succeed at anything or even to cater to any particular market... just to make sure that people think China is actually doing well. This must be why so many people here are convinced that China isn't the huge threat to US dominance that some people think it is. There are definitely people striking it rich here, but yeah... there's no future that I can see. They're just wrecking everything for short-term gain.
I went to a hospital in a city of 7 million people and it was run down and dirty. The nurse didn't use gloves when she drew my blood. The elevators smelled horrible and the bathrooms were seriously like construction site outhouses. I REALLY hope that I don't get any major illnesses when I'm here.
The internet is absolutely HORRIBLE. There is so much censorship that half of the time you can't even connect to websites. Sometimes I can't even connect to this one. They block youtube, google, facebook, all porn sites... and I can't get anything requiring captcha to work either. They say it's about cracking down on political/immoral activities, but it's mostly because they want to give their local businesses monopolies.
Then you see really weird shit like an antique roadster just sitting on the sidewalk beside the canal that moves the absolutely VILE river water through the city. The headlights were smashed the thing was filled with garbage... and it could have been a replica, but sufficed to say you don't see cars like that on the road anymore. I would imagine getting parts for an old foreign car in China would be extremely difficult, considering it's difficult to get a lot of things here.
I honestly thought that China would be a country where I could get a lot of things, but it's not. From the way I kept hearing that it was one of the world's biggest economies and the fact that there's actually a Walmart in the smaller city (and several Walmarts in the big city), I was expecting there to be all kinds of innovative products and things from the future that would be available relatively cheap... if not everywhere, then at least available in the major centers-- but it's not like that at all.
I'm seriously starting to think that they just make things, then ship them away because very few people in China have enough money to buy them. Maybe in Beijing they have these things, I don't know. They're currently building a huge shopping complex with big neon lights just a little down the road from here, but it's completely empty and it's just sitting there in the middle of nowhere, amidst all the poverty, having no reason to exist other than its construction is keeping the economy growing. I can only imagine that the huge empty-looking apartment complexes just outside the town serve a similar purpose.
It's when I see shit like this that I realize China is in serious trouble and that the bubble is going to pop any day now. It's like this messed up need to grow that has almost no limitations and the end game is not to improve anything or try to succeed at anything or even to cater to any particular market... just to make sure that people think China is actually doing well. This must be why so many people here are convinced that China isn't the huge threat to US dominance that some people think it is. There are definitely people striking it rich here, but yeah... there's no future that I can see. They're just wrecking everything for short-term gain.
I went to a hospital in a city of 7 million people and it was run down and dirty. The nurse didn't use gloves when she drew my blood. The elevators smelled horrible and the bathrooms were seriously like construction site outhouses. I REALLY hope that I don't get any major illnesses when I'm here.
The internet is absolutely HORRIBLE. There is so much censorship that half of the time you can't even connect to websites. Sometimes I can't even connect to this one. They block youtube, google, facebook, all porn sites... and I can't get anything requiring captcha to work either. They say it's about cracking down on political/immoral activities, but it's mostly because they want to give their local businesses monopolies.
Then you see really weird shit like an antique roadster just sitting on the sidewalk beside the canal that moves the absolutely VILE river water through the city. The headlights were smashed the thing was filled with garbage... and it could have been a replica, but sufficed to say you don't see cars like that on the road anymore. I would imagine getting parts for an old foreign car in China would be extremely difficult, considering it's difficult to get a lot of things here.
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Odo
Banned
So my latest obsession is with my gums, which have receded... probably due to a combination of gum disease, brushing too hard and grinding my teeth. It's not hideously ugly or anything, but I think it's noticeable and I can't stop looking at it and I can't stop thinking about it.
I don't even know why this concern just cropped up in the past few days... I mean, it must have been happening for a while now and I've had sensitive teeth for years because of recession from grinding and such. I guess I just never really paid much attention to it. It could be because of the lighting in my new mirror or because my new diet has helped make them healthier so they aren't as swollen.
Anyways, in my mind it's combining with my hair loss, the indestructible fat around my midsection, the lines around my eyes, my vision in general, and yes, the fact that I'm single again to make me feel really depressed.
I guess I just feel that as time goes on it's all going to get worse-- I'm going to lose all of my hair, my gums are going to recede until I have hideous teeth, I'm going to lose more and more of my vision (I seriously think that if it continues like this, I could easily go blind within 10 years) it's going to be harder and harder to stay in shape, I'm going to look more and more pathetic to potential partners... and yes, there's the fact that such things remind me of death and how I've already peaked as a human being and will now continue to decline for god knows how long. I still think I look young for my age and the exercise helps sometimes, but yeah... time is marching on and if I am going to have a family then I should probably start soon.
I know that finding someone isn't always about looks... but I guess I'm also doubting that there's many attractive things about my personality as well. The way I've been received in China is making me seriously doubt myself... I feel like I'm always falling flat with people and not being as charming or as funny or as exciting as they seem to think I should be... and my shyness makes it hard as always. Even when the girls stare at me in a sort of interested way, I feel like they're going to notice something about me eventually that will turn them off. I just can't find my confidence or relax around anyone, and I still feel like talking to people is still a chore.
I went out for drinks with some of the people I work with the other night and god it was boring. One of my co-workers seriously just goes on and on... he talks about his home country, the politics there, issues he has with the local industry and the local policies. I suppose I just find it really boring when someone has a lot of information about a topic I'm only marginally interested in, and does nothing to connect it back to anything I can really relate to. He dominates practically every conversation. I sat there growing more and more frustrated, desperate to leave... but of course I couldn't.
So today I've been hiding in my room all day, feeling sluggish and weak. I went running last night and could barely even make 3 laps of the 400 m track jogging... I ran a fourth one but it felt horrible and my legs were really sore afterwards... I guess I did a pretty sweaty workout beforehand though. Still, I felt absolutely pathetic-- and you can't just jog there without everyone watching you. There are always students around. Always!
I wish I could stay here all day, but I need to go out and buy food so I don't have to go to the cafeteria.
I don't even know why this concern just cropped up in the past few days... I mean, it must have been happening for a while now and I've had sensitive teeth for years because of recession from grinding and such. I guess I just never really paid much attention to it. It could be because of the lighting in my new mirror or because my new diet has helped make them healthier so they aren't as swollen.
Anyways, in my mind it's combining with my hair loss, the indestructible fat around my midsection, the lines around my eyes, my vision in general, and yes, the fact that I'm single again to make me feel really depressed.
I guess I just feel that as time goes on it's all going to get worse-- I'm going to lose all of my hair, my gums are going to recede until I have hideous teeth, I'm going to lose more and more of my vision (I seriously think that if it continues like this, I could easily go blind within 10 years) it's going to be harder and harder to stay in shape, I'm going to look more and more pathetic to potential partners... and yes, there's the fact that such things remind me of death and how I've already peaked as a human being and will now continue to decline for god knows how long. I still think I look young for my age and the exercise helps sometimes, but yeah... time is marching on and if I am going to have a family then I should probably start soon.
I know that finding someone isn't always about looks... but I guess I'm also doubting that there's many attractive things about my personality as well. The way I've been received in China is making me seriously doubt myself... I feel like I'm always falling flat with people and not being as charming or as funny or as exciting as they seem to think I should be... and my shyness makes it hard as always. Even when the girls stare at me in a sort of interested way, I feel like they're going to notice something about me eventually that will turn them off. I just can't find my confidence or relax around anyone, and I still feel like talking to people is still a chore.
I went out for drinks with some of the people I work with the other night and god it was boring. One of my co-workers seriously just goes on and on... he talks about his home country, the politics there, issues he has with the local industry and the local policies. I suppose I just find it really boring when someone has a lot of information about a topic I'm only marginally interested in, and does nothing to connect it back to anything I can really relate to. He dominates practically every conversation. I sat there growing more and more frustrated, desperate to leave... but of course I couldn't.
So today I've been hiding in my room all day, feeling sluggish and weak. I went running last night and could barely even make 3 laps of the 400 m track jogging... I ran a fourth one but it felt horrible and my legs were really sore afterwards... I guess I did a pretty sweaty workout beforehand though. Still, I felt absolutely pathetic-- and you can't just jog there without everyone watching you. There are always students around. Always!
I wish I could stay here all day, but I need to go out and buy food so I don't have to go to the cafeteria.
Odo
Banned
I've been standing in front of my students for the past few weeks and in some ways I feel like they like me (I'm pretty good with being sensitive and I'm not a complete ****up... I plan and organize things so they should be able to follow and I never raise my voice), but I'm not completely sure that I'm connecting with them... and while I'm sure language barriers and my general timidity around them is a big part of that, I'm starting to feel like the bigger problem is that I've actually become really boring.
I wouldn't say my classes were ever a laugh riot, but I did have my moments... now the best I seem to be able to manage is a muted chuckle every now and then.
But really, I look at my life over the past 5 or 6 years, and I haven't really done much to prevent myself from becoming dull. I coasted off of the energy of youth when I was cute enough for people to think I was great just because I was young and superficiality and people cared about things like taste in music and movies and such... then on into my late 20s and 30s where I wasn't exactly living it up but still got to travel every now and then and if I wasn't so interesting, at least the trips I was taking were and I was excited about it as well.
The last interesting trip I took was to Nepal, I think... back in 2010. Since then, nothing really stands out. Most of 2010-2013 was me not doing very much with my life except working... I took trips but between the trips I mostly just grew more and more addicted to the Internet and staying in.
The last half of 2013 and first half of 2014 was a total write-off that I could never actually speak about with anyone without feeling embarrassed-- living with my parents at age 35 and feeling like an absolute loser in every possible way.
Then I lived in Denmark, which was comfy but I didn't actually DO anything. Mostly I woke up late, Internet for hours, got up and walked to a nearby forest, went grocery shopping, then came home, ate and more Internet. Then I went to bed late.
My life now isn't so different... for the most part, it doesn't even matter that I'm in China. I guess I do work/plan, then teach a class... then I get on the Internet, watch a movie, take the bus to the ****ing supermarket, come home, eat and sleep. On weekends I stay up late watching TV/Internet, then I wake up late and Internet then grocery store and sleep.
Sometimes I work on my screenplay... but I'm starting to wonder if it's not much more than an endless black hole that I'm constantly throwing ideas into, then abandoning because of doubt or because I feel like I have a better idea.
So yes, it's not really a mystery as to why I might be growing incredibly boring. I suppose it's part of the general erosion of my social skills due to isolation, intellectual neglect and computer radiation. Sometimes it's like nothing really seems novel or entirely exciting anymore... in fact, I would say the last time I felt actual joy and wonder and excitement, or actually felt like I was genuinely interested in life and all it had to offer was when I did hashish... which is probably why it's such an enormously popular drug.
I guess I would be a lot more interesting if I was actually interested in other things.
I wouldn't say my classes were ever a laugh riot, but I did have my moments... now the best I seem to be able to manage is a muted chuckle every now and then.
But really, I look at my life over the past 5 or 6 years, and I haven't really done much to prevent myself from becoming dull. I coasted off of the energy of youth when I was cute enough for people to think I was great just because I was young and superficiality and people cared about things like taste in music and movies and such... then on into my late 20s and 30s where I wasn't exactly living it up but still got to travel every now and then and if I wasn't so interesting, at least the trips I was taking were and I was excited about it as well.
The last interesting trip I took was to Nepal, I think... back in 2010. Since then, nothing really stands out. Most of 2010-2013 was me not doing very much with my life except working... I took trips but between the trips I mostly just grew more and more addicted to the Internet and staying in.
The last half of 2013 and first half of 2014 was a total write-off that I could never actually speak about with anyone without feeling embarrassed-- living with my parents at age 35 and feeling like an absolute loser in every possible way.
Then I lived in Denmark, which was comfy but I didn't actually DO anything. Mostly I woke up late, Internet for hours, got up and walked to a nearby forest, went grocery shopping, then came home, ate and more Internet. Then I went to bed late.
My life now isn't so different... for the most part, it doesn't even matter that I'm in China. I guess I do work/plan, then teach a class... then I get on the Internet, watch a movie, take the bus to the ****ing supermarket, come home, eat and sleep. On weekends I stay up late watching TV/Internet, then I wake up late and Internet then grocery store and sleep.
Sometimes I work on my screenplay... but I'm starting to wonder if it's not much more than an endless black hole that I'm constantly throwing ideas into, then abandoning because of doubt or because I feel like I have a better idea.
So yes, it's not really a mystery as to why I might be growing incredibly boring. I suppose it's part of the general erosion of my social skills due to isolation, intellectual neglect and computer radiation. Sometimes it's like nothing really seems novel or entirely exciting anymore... in fact, I would say the last time I felt actual joy and wonder and excitement, or actually felt like I was genuinely interested in life and all it had to offer was when I did hashish... which is probably why it's such an enormously popular drug.
I guess I would be a lot more interesting if I was actually interested in other things.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I find personally, I don't care at all as i get older if other people find me interesting. It is so freeing. A positive of living longer.
For me though, I used to be way more active, too, like you. I spent all of my time outdoors and doing physically active things and going on adventures etc..
Now I am more of a hermit and keep to myself. I think depression really did a number on me being able to stay motivated to do things. The longer you are in a mental fog the harder it is to get out. I literally feel like I am made of lead most days. It s a constant fight.
Do things loose their luster as we mature or is it depression? That is what I struggle with a lot.
But as far as the boring aspect- I am not boring at all, my internal mind and imagination is vast and my dreams when I sleep are super interesting. If i could shake this depression and find a way to make some stupid money I would be anything but boring on the outside.
Try not to worry about what others think and work on your creative endeavors, is my advice.
I really enjoy your journal here btw! You are not boring! You should post some photos of your life there. Like the old car you mentioned. That sounded like a great photo op to me! Hang in there and keep writingerfect:
For me though, I used to be way more active, too, like you. I spent all of my time outdoors and doing physically active things and going on adventures etc..
Now I am more of a hermit and keep to myself. I think depression really did a number on me being able to stay motivated to do things. The longer you are in a mental fog the harder it is to get out. I literally feel like I am made of lead most days. It s a constant fight.
Do things loose their luster as we mature or is it depression? That is what I struggle with a lot.
But as far as the boring aspect- I am not boring at all, my internal mind and imagination is vast and my dreams when I sleep are super interesting. If i could shake this depression and find a way to make some stupid money I would be anything but boring on the outside.
Try not to worry about what others think and work on your creative endeavors, is my advice.
I really enjoy your journal here btw! You are not boring! You should post some photos of your life there. Like the old car you mentioned. That sounded like a great photo op to me! Hang in there and keep writing
erfect:
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I forgot to mention-hash is amazing! A friend left a bunch of it at my place a while ago and because I lived in the middle of no where at the time, he never came back for it. That was a blessing!
I want some mushroomsssss haha
I want some mushroomsssss haha
Odo
Banned
I just today learned that there is a legal mushroom in China that is a 'deliriant', which I also just learned is a form of hallucinogen that causes you to become delirious-- ie: have no real sense of what you're doing/imagine things.
On the other hand, ingesting a substance whose primary effect is that it makes you lose control of yourself/be confused... in a country like China while pretty much all eyes are trained on me as a public figure is probably not something I would ever enjoy. I honestly cannot think of anything worse than that.
Odo
Banned
My friend revealed to me that last night he had a nightmare that the students were in his room... they were behaving like the dream people from the movie 'Inception' (who were trying to force Leo D out of Juno's dream). He tried to get help from the Chinese staff, but as usual they were unsympathetic. I felt like it was a pretty solid expression of the sort of anxieties we have here.
I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I think that I sort of know how celebrities feel... and why they buy expensive houses in gated communities and beat up photographers and such. It's because being stared at and photographed and questioned and examined all the time is actually really stressful. I can't imagine how I would feel if the press were always discussing my bald spot or my teeth or my glasses or my haircut. I think I would seriously explode.
I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I think that I sort of know how celebrities feel... and why they buy expensive houses in gated communities and beat up photographers and such. It's because being stared at and photographed and questioned and examined all the time is actually really stressful. I can't imagine how I would feel if the press were always discussing my bald spot or my teeth or my glasses or my haircut. I think I would seriously explode.
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nodejesque
Well-known member
I often obsess over my teeth and gums too. Which is why I HATE showing teeth in pictures. I can absolutely relate to what you're going through. I feel like my teeth are getting thinner. And that despite years of torture with adult braces, they're still crooked.
I actually relate to everything you posted. About your hair thinning, lines around your eyes, everything. And especially the wanting to start a family soon.
I think it's great that you're exercising. Even though it is torture.
If you don't want to go out, maybe there is something you can try in your room? I'm supposed to be going to the gym everyday... But I think it's more mentally taxing than it is physically. So I do stuff at home to work out too.
Your colleague sounds difficult. On that aspect, I'd probably avoi him. Some people just love the sound of their own voice.
Hopefully grocery shopping will serve as a distraction... And allow you some kind of reprieve from the monotony of daily life.
Odo
Banned
Yes, I do workouts in my room like pushups and burpees and squats and crunches... but I like running outside and the track is made of a material that's good for running on. It really isn't so bad if I have a good day... it's when I have a bad day and can only do about 3 or 4 laps that I feel bad.
I guess that's an example of first world problems. I would never join a gym-- I think there's one on campus, but I think they're kind of disgusting in general and a waste of money. You don't need a lot of equipment to stay in shape, really... well, maybe some weights or something if you want to really go for it.
Yes, the aging thing isn't fun... yesterday I was talking about it with my friend and he said his dad actually told him the worst was when your testicles grow longer! I have to admit that sounds disgusting but in the meantime I'm more concerned with the more visible signs of aging.
Maybe if I was in a long-term committed relationship I wouldn't care, but yeah... as soon as you're single again you lose that sense of knowing that the other person might not find your aging sexy but at least they will probably accept it. Still, it's not like other people are as perfect as I sometimes make them out to be either.
Part of me thinks I should definitely have kids... that I would really be missing out if I didn't do it. Sometimes I seriously think that having/raising a child would be more satisfying than anything else I could ever do... and with all of my experience with kids of all ages, I think I could also be pretty good at it. On the other hand I'm worried about letting them down or not doing enough/being good enough for them... and money is a big issue as well.
nodejesque
Well-known member
Hehe. I don't know why your friends comment made me laugh, its actually a lil scary to think about.
Sigh. I definitely want kids too. I often think about it. I think I'd either be a great mom or a horrible mom, no in between. I love so fiercely, I can see how it can actually hinder a child... To love too much. I have seen it myself, how loving too much can enable a growing child. So I have baytled with the want for a child, but the fear associated with failing miserably at it. This is tied with my fear of aging... In a couple of years I may no longer have the option to have a child.
For the record, from what I have learned of you and your writing.... I think you'd be a great dad.
Odo
Banned
So tonight I heard a rumor that, according to one of the former teachers at this school, the administration has hired 'agents' to impersonate students and try to seduce the foreign teachers. I suppose they're doing this because it's so scandalous and teacher-student relationships have been something of a problem at this school. It seriously reminds me of 'To Catch A Predator'.
Meanwhile, the Taiwanese teachers down the hall were openly inviting students into their rooms earlier this evening, and I doubt that there will be any repercussions. They were apparently going out to sing karaoke together... and the thing about that is that karaoke always involves lots of alcohol and probably hooking up later on. Most of the times I went out for karaoke in Korea it involved being groped by some middle aged Korean woman, or holding hands with some Korean guy in the back of a taxi (it's not what you think).
So yes, I'm sure that some teachers are, as I write this, working up the courage to make some moves on their students. The students are gradually becoming more defenseless, and the teachers are gradually becoming less inhibited.
Apparently, it's pretty common here... but the only time it's controversial is when it happens with someone of a different race.
Meanwhile, the Taiwanese teachers down the hall were openly inviting students into their rooms earlier this evening, and I doubt that there will be any repercussions. They were apparently going out to sing karaoke together... and the thing about that is that karaoke always involves lots of alcohol and probably hooking up later on. Most of the times I went out for karaoke in Korea it involved being groped by some middle aged Korean woman, or holding hands with some Korean guy in the back of a taxi (it's not what you think).
So yes, I'm sure that some teachers are, as I write this, working up the courage to make some moves on their students. The students are gradually becoming more defenseless, and the teachers are gradually becoming less inhibited.
Apparently, it's pretty common here... but the only time it's controversial is when it happens with someone of a different race.
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Odo
Banned
For the past few days, the air has been horrible.
I think the wind carried the smog from west of here into our little area and combined with the dust from the construction projects just across from the university to create the toxic haze one typically associates with China.
My new phone shows me air quality reports alongside the weather reports for my city, and while it wasn't Beijing levels or the kind of horror stories you hear about in the more industrial areas, it was still pretty high. Of course, the only pollution it measures is the really dangerous kind (the smallest particles that can really get into your lungs), NOT the entire scope of the pollution.
This morning had to have been the worst pollution I have ever seen. Everything was bathed in white, the immediate horizon consisted mostly of ghosts of buildings barely visible and the sun wasn't shining so much as glowing through it all. It was actually eerily beautiful, but at the same time I had a horrible earache and sore throat by noon... and I was so tired. All of my students were lethargic, just sitting there being tired and sick because of it (though I'm sure they were tired for other reasons too).
We had a few days where the temperature was around 20C, but today it suddenly shot up to 31C... the students are complaining that this isn't like winter. It's really hard to take these extreme temperature shifts and they've really been wearing me down. I would usually run to get over this stuff, but I really don't want to run when the pollution levels are so high. And tomorrow is sports day!
I think the wind carried the smog from west of here into our little area and combined with the dust from the construction projects just across from the university to create the toxic haze one typically associates with China.
My new phone shows me air quality reports alongside the weather reports for my city, and while it wasn't Beijing levels or the kind of horror stories you hear about in the more industrial areas, it was still pretty high. Of course, the only pollution it measures is the really dangerous kind (the smallest particles that can really get into your lungs), NOT the entire scope of the pollution.
This morning had to have been the worst pollution I have ever seen. Everything was bathed in white, the immediate horizon consisted mostly of ghosts of buildings barely visible and the sun wasn't shining so much as glowing through it all. It was actually eerily beautiful, but at the same time I had a horrible earache and sore throat by noon... and I was so tired. All of my students were lethargic, just sitting there being tired and sick because of it (though I'm sure they were tired for other reasons too).
We had a few days where the temperature was around 20C, but today it suddenly shot up to 31C... the students are complaining that this isn't like winter. It's really hard to take these extreme temperature shifts and they've really been wearing me down. I would usually run to get over this stuff, but I really don't want to run when the pollution levels are so high. And tomorrow is sports day!
Odo
Banned
Today I had to 'march' in the parade for sports day.
This wouldn't have been such an issue... except for the fact that people here are constantly taking pictures and constantly sharing them with their friends on the various social networks in China. I was on the field for about an hour before my students worked up the nerve to ask me to take pictures with them, and then I was forcing a smile for about 20 minutes straight while they came up one by one and got their photos taken... and now they're sharing them all over the social media.
During our 'march', one guy was seriously waving and blowing kisses to the audience. I was trying to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other while fighting off my nervousness and trying not to shake too much, and behind me buddy guy is being a total ham. I try to receive the attention I get with modesty and humility and really downplay all the compliments I'm getting (unless I'm having a bad day, in which case I just try to tune it all out), but this guy just eats it all up, wallows in it, and then asks for more. I know it's not really about ME so much as the fact I'm a foreigner, which is exotic and unique to these people... I'm not sure if he knows it's not about him and he's just giving the people what they want, if he really does think he's that great, or what. And I honestly can't tell what the Chinese people think of him-- they do seem to smile a lot around him and he's pretty friendly, but smiling can mean a lot of different things here. They cut us a lot of slack because we're from a different culture but I doubt that anyone here appreciates a showoff, especially one whose primary 'gift' is not looking like everyone else. But then, I'd imagine that being distant and reserved is potentially worse.
But I have to admit, he sometimes grates on me. He's in his mid-late 40s and wears baseball caps backwards, and doesn't cut the price tag off. This is to cover his completely bald head. I'm balding too and sometimes like doing the hat thing, but I wouldn't wear hats as if people are getting their fashion cues from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He's suffering from that weird sort of arrested development where middle-aged people think being young is about doing whatever they did when THEY were young, not looking at what young people are doing and doing that. Of course, the Chinese don't know anything about this, so to them he's just a cool American guy instead of this weird out-of-place middle aged guy who doesn't realize how out of touch he is.
Also, he has been here for 4 years and can't speak or read any Chinese. This in itself isn't so uncommon, but it is going to have an effect on how he's received, especially since he does so much to call attention to himself. But he doesn't care, and if someone asks him about it, he acts like it doesn't matter even though he's still defensive about it.
I seriously think my half-*** studying on Anki, Pimsleur and this new app I have for my phone has put me slightly ahead of him, even though I think he could probably order in a restaurant because the situation would remove the need for accurate tones. I also have the compulsion to speak Korean every time I try to speak Chinese.
And for some reason, absolutely everything is funny to him. He reads some weird random bit of English nonsense on one of the students' shirts and it's hysterical. He laughs as loud as he can, starts moving his arms around, then says some other random thing and laughs at that too. And then the students laugh too!
I don't even think the students laugh because he's funny so much as laugh because he laughs so hard and so loudly at these things that they don't know what else to do. They're probably just responding to his energy level.
I have to admit though, he is still a pretty nice guy when it comes down to it... I mean, he's full of himself and full of shit, but he's not nasty about anything and generally means well. He gossips like a mofo but to be honest, when you work at a school like this, it's kind of expected.
Oh yeah, and today I heard that one of the teachers who slept with a student is still working here. This is a guy who had sex with a FIRST year student, got her pregnant, then made it all okay by marrying her. If she was in her first year, that means she could have been anywhere from 17-20 years old.
The thing is, I kind of get it. I'm not condoning taking advantage of young naive girls, but there really isn't a lot to do here... you can go out if you really make an effort, but for the most part the students are trapped here and you're trapped here with them. It's sort of like the small town where the kids don't have anything to do except smoke pot, drink, and have sex... but they don't have any pot and drinking alcohol is just for the guys.
This wouldn't have been such an issue... except for the fact that people here are constantly taking pictures and constantly sharing them with their friends on the various social networks in China. I was on the field for about an hour before my students worked up the nerve to ask me to take pictures with them, and then I was forcing a smile for about 20 minutes straight while they came up one by one and got their photos taken... and now they're sharing them all over the social media.
During our 'march', one guy was seriously waving and blowing kisses to the audience. I was trying to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other while fighting off my nervousness and trying not to shake too much, and behind me buddy guy is being a total ham. I try to receive the attention I get with modesty and humility and really downplay all the compliments I'm getting (unless I'm having a bad day, in which case I just try to tune it all out), but this guy just eats it all up, wallows in it, and then asks for more. I know it's not really about ME so much as the fact I'm a foreigner, which is exotic and unique to these people... I'm not sure if he knows it's not about him and he's just giving the people what they want, if he really does think he's that great, or what. And I honestly can't tell what the Chinese people think of him-- they do seem to smile a lot around him and he's pretty friendly, but smiling can mean a lot of different things here. They cut us a lot of slack because we're from a different culture but I doubt that anyone here appreciates a showoff, especially one whose primary 'gift' is not looking like everyone else. But then, I'd imagine that being distant and reserved is potentially worse.
But I have to admit, he sometimes grates on me. He's in his mid-late 40s and wears baseball caps backwards, and doesn't cut the price tag off. This is to cover his completely bald head. I'm balding too and sometimes like doing the hat thing, but I wouldn't wear hats as if people are getting their fashion cues from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He's suffering from that weird sort of arrested development where middle-aged people think being young is about doing whatever they did when THEY were young, not looking at what young people are doing and doing that. Of course, the Chinese don't know anything about this, so to them he's just a cool American guy instead of this weird out-of-place middle aged guy who doesn't realize how out of touch he is.
Also, he has been here for 4 years and can't speak or read any Chinese. This in itself isn't so uncommon, but it is going to have an effect on how he's received, especially since he does so much to call attention to himself. But he doesn't care, and if someone asks him about it, he acts like it doesn't matter even though he's still defensive about it.
I seriously think my half-*** studying on Anki, Pimsleur and this new app I have for my phone has put me slightly ahead of him, even though I think he could probably order in a restaurant because the situation would remove the need for accurate tones. I also have the compulsion to speak Korean every time I try to speak Chinese.
And for some reason, absolutely everything is funny to him. He reads some weird random bit of English nonsense on one of the students' shirts and it's hysterical. He laughs as loud as he can, starts moving his arms around, then says some other random thing and laughs at that too. And then the students laugh too!
I don't even think the students laugh because he's funny so much as laugh because he laughs so hard and so loudly at these things that they don't know what else to do. They're probably just responding to his energy level.
I have to admit though, he is still a pretty nice guy when it comes down to it... I mean, he's full of himself and full of shit, but he's not nasty about anything and generally means well. He gossips like a mofo but to be honest, when you work at a school like this, it's kind of expected.
Oh yeah, and today I heard that one of the teachers who slept with a student is still working here. This is a guy who had sex with a FIRST year student, got her pregnant, then made it all okay by marrying her. If she was in her first year, that means she could have been anywhere from 17-20 years old.
The thing is, I kind of get it. I'm not condoning taking advantage of young naive girls, but there really isn't a lot to do here... you can go out if you really make an effort, but for the most part the students are trapped here and you're trapped here with them. It's sort of like the small town where the kids don't have anything to do except smoke pot, drink, and have sex... but they don't have any pot and drinking alcohol is just for the guys.
Odo
Banned
So I met one of the former teachers at my school on the weekend-- wow.
He was one of the four who slept with a student. I was expecting him to be a young guy, but he was actually 52. The student was fourth year and they're no longer together. The thing is, despite how creepy it is, he was actually a pretty nice guy... and he looked like he was in his late 30s.
But apparently there was another guy at the school who not only seduced a first year student (and took her virginity), but also cheated on his wife while doing so, and told her he was going to leave his wife for her (but had no intention of doing so). Of course, as teenagers do she naively posted the whole story online, mentioning that he was black (the only other black teacher at the school was a devout Muslim) and when he was found out he said she was a crazy liar. He then changed his story and forced her to tell the school she would commit suicide if anything happened to him. THEN he dumped her. This guy was 59 years old. This happened last year, which means the student is still at the school.
Considering that pretty much everyone in the school knows that she lost her to a 59 year old married black man who manipulated her emotionally and psychologically before being kicked out of the school, I wonder just how horrifyingly damaged she feels right now.
He was one of the four who slept with a student. I was expecting him to be a young guy, but he was actually 52. The student was fourth year and they're no longer together. The thing is, despite how creepy it is, he was actually a pretty nice guy... and he looked like he was in his late 30s.
But apparently there was another guy at the school who not only seduced a first year student (and took her virginity), but also cheated on his wife while doing so, and told her he was going to leave his wife for her (but had no intention of doing so). Of course, as teenagers do she naively posted the whole story online, mentioning that he was black (the only other black teacher at the school was a devout Muslim) and when he was found out he said she was a crazy liar. He then changed his story and forced her to tell the school she would commit suicide if anything happened to him. THEN he dumped her. This guy was 59 years old. This happened last year, which means the student is still at the school.
Considering that pretty much everyone in the school knows that she lost her to a 59 year old married black man who manipulated her emotionally and psychologically before being kicked out of the school, I wonder just how horrifyingly damaged she feels right now.
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Odo
Banned
I also met up with the guy I bashed in my previous entry, and I have changed my opinion of him a lot. He is full of himself, but he is also brain damaged or something.
Apparently he was electrocuted when he was younger and his body is covered in scars... and he actually died and came back to life. He told me all of this other amazing stuff like his mother having been sold into slavery by his grandmother and having a lot of anger that she channelled into some sort of dark magic. He has actually started a little cult in China-- I'm not kidding, it's a cult. Apparently some Christians approached him because they knew he was Jewish, and asked him to tell them about the Torah... because it's forbidden knowledge or something. He interprets people's dreams and I think his superstitious nature really fits in here... so many people are superstitious here. He has the weirdest personality I've ever come across... but wow is he ever fascinating. Sometimes he will say things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, sometimes he'll be philosophizing in ways that actually make sense and force you to pay attention, and a lot of the time he'll just be 'chilling out' and/or having a good time laughing at things around him... and he really does seem to want people to be happy.
To be honest, he's one of the most fascinating people I've ever met, even though he is hard to take and doesn't really mesh with my vibe. I'm too uptight and sarcastic for him, I think... and I tend to roll my eyes at the kind of spirituality that most people buy into, especially when it involves astrology or numerology or anything where people are assigned extremely general characteristics based on some date-based classification. I mean, come on... the ****ing universe is influenced by the Gregorian calendar? I know it's not polite to overtly dismiss people's beliefs, especially since they tend to hold them so close to their hearts, but yeah... I think it's bullshit.
I've come to believe that spirituality is something that you don't really need to talk about or study... and is best appreciated as it is, which is as an inarticulable phenomenon that travels far beyond human understanding and cannot be reduced to concepts or truly unlocked by words-- in fact, I think words do more to obscure it than illuminate it. I suppose this leads certain people to assume I don't have a spiritual side, but it's more like I'm not interested in all of the self-improvement/mental masturbation.
I mean, that's pretty much the lowest form of spirituality there is-- but the majority of people still love it. It replaces the actually significant things that mystics pursue like enlightenment and transcendence with things like confidence, youthfulness, bodily health, romance and stress-free living. It's like reducing the universe to the capitalist dream of achieving perfection through your desires, which is probably one of the least spiritual ways you could ever live your life.
But whatever... we're living in the age of subjectivity so it's not like anyone is actually under any pressure to be truly self-critical about these things.
Apparently he was electrocuted when he was younger and his body is covered in scars... and he actually died and came back to life. He told me all of this other amazing stuff like his mother having been sold into slavery by his grandmother and having a lot of anger that she channelled into some sort of dark magic. He has actually started a little cult in China-- I'm not kidding, it's a cult. Apparently some Christians approached him because they knew he was Jewish, and asked him to tell them about the Torah... because it's forbidden knowledge or something. He interprets people's dreams and I think his superstitious nature really fits in here... so many people are superstitious here. He has the weirdest personality I've ever come across... but wow is he ever fascinating. Sometimes he will say things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, sometimes he'll be philosophizing in ways that actually make sense and force you to pay attention, and a lot of the time he'll just be 'chilling out' and/or having a good time laughing at things around him... and he really does seem to want people to be happy.
To be honest, he's one of the most fascinating people I've ever met, even though he is hard to take and doesn't really mesh with my vibe. I'm too uptight and sarcastic for him, I think... and I tend to roll my eyes at the kind of spirituality that most people buy into, especially when it involves astrology or numerology or anything where people are assigned extremely general characteristics based on some date-based classification. I mean, come on... the ****ing universe is influenced by the Gregorian calendar? I know it's not polite to overtly dismiss people's beliefs, especially since they tend to hold them so close to their hearts, but yeah... I think it's bullshit.
I've come to believe that spirituality is something that you don't really need to talk about or study... and is best appreciated as it is, which is as an inarticulable phenomenon that travels far beyond human understanding and cannot be reduced to concepts or truly unlocked by words-- in fact, I think words do more to obscure it than illuminate it. I suppose this leads certain people to assume I don't have a spiritual side, but it's more like I'm not interested in all of the self-improvement/mental masturbation.
I mean, that's pretty much the lowest form of spirituality there is-- but the majority of people still love it. It replaces the actually significant things that mystics pursue like enlightenment and transcendence with things like confidence, youthfulness, bodily health, romance and stress-free living. It's like reducing the universe to the capitalist dream of achieving perfection through your desires, which is probably one of the least spiritual ways you could ever live your life.
But whatever... we're living in the age of subjectivity so it's not like anyone is actually under any pressure to be truly self-critical about these things.
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