Worst part of SA

[Scottish_Player]

I am not sure if this has been spoken about before but i will ask anyway

What would you say is the worst part of having SA?

For me personaly i would say its not having a realtionship,this is one thing that realy gets to me.I do most stuff on my own and iam very independant at things (in my own way) but a relationship is something you have to do with someone else.This is probably the worst part for me.

 

[elparanoic]

Personally,the worst part is the job.I have so many problems to find a job and when I find it, I have difficulties to mantain because I can't adapt.
In the future I think I will work alone because presently the SA is wining the battle.

 

[ricky]

not havin a gud relationship is a pretty bad and it will worry b more when i get old but now i just get annoyed about not being able to go places with my friends

 

[Travis88]

How about never knowing whats its like to be in a relationship? Or have friends.

 

[Scottish_Player]

Ive never been in a relationship either Travis so that makes 2 of us

 

[maggie]

not being able to attempt to achieve anything I want, cause of these stupid feelings and quirks :x

 

[kattness]

seeing everyone else around you doing something you cant.
and just not being able to talk to new people or in fact anyone all happy happy joy joy.

 

[ColdAsIce]

Yeah the hardest part for me is watching everyone around me, getting on and enjoying there life, and not being afraid to take risks.

Oh.....Also having to deal with the fact that it always feels like everyone can see straight through you.....that really un-nerves me.....

 

[introvert]

It would have to be the fact, that was it not for SP, we could all be living an enjoyable fulfilling and fun life. It's times like when I'm sitting on the tram frozen, looking around, noticing that no one else has a bother in the world.

 

[clairet]

definately the fact that I can't hold down a job. It is a constant worry to me because I want to be independent. I can't rely on family or a partner nor do I want to. I would just like to be able to hold down a job and have a steady wage so that I can stabilise my life a bit.

I've been trying to think of stuff I can do alone but it all requires re-training and I am already really broke all due to bloomin SP. If I was a normal human being I wouldn't have financial problems!grrrr.

 

[Nightshade]

I think I'm with Scottish Player and Travis88 on this. It isn't being single, it is the never part of it, in my case never having had a boyfriend. There are so many things about this that depress me.

Partly it just really pisses me off when people who are in relationships say "oh but you have so much more independence when you're single, you have so much more freedom when you don't have children etc etc". That is true, but they have made the choice to be in a relationship/ have children etc. I haven't made the choice to be single. It isn't a case of not having met the right person or needing to look harder. It is about being unable to do this.

Partly it is simply not knowing what it might be like. Not everybody finds someone and gets married and lives happily ever after (ok, nobody does really), but I don't like the thought of never knowing and never experiencing relationships for myself.

Partly it is that I can't bear the thought of people knowing that I have never had a relationship. I was pretty embarrassed about it when I was 21. At 33, the thought of people finding out that I have never had a relationship now has its own separate phobia category (as opposed to the fear of interacting with single men which has prevented me having relationships). Funnily enough, finding out that social phobia exists and I have it has actually helped this a bit, because before I couldn't explain it, even to myself. I thought I was a freak and knew there as something wrong but couldn't understand or explain it. Now at least I know. (This is encouraging, it is progress).

Partly it is that I hate lying and I am a very honest person, but I have felt that I had to lie about relationships (mostly by omission, I don't invent boyfriends but I don't say anything on the subject). So I feel like I'm carrying around a dark secret and having secrets like that is isolating. When people make comments that assume I have had relationships I feel like a fake.

Partly, it is that at my age, even if I can get over the worst of my anxiety, I have left things a little bit late. If I have children, it will only be if I find the right man to have children with, I'm not doing it on my own. But time is slipping away, and I still have to get over enough of the social phobia to be able to cope, find the right man, and then start thinking about whether I want children with him. I know women who have had children in their late 30s and it is so much tougher than for younger women.

I know that even if (sorry WHEN) I get past the social phobia, life will not magically become rosy and effortless. That would just be setting myself up for disappointment. But even the improvements I have made so far show me that (a) I have been wasting a lot of time and energy being miserable and afraid, and (b) the efforts I put into getting over social phobia are totally worth it. (Sorry couldn't end on a pessimistic note - I'm a determined optimist despite everything.)

 

[pitkreet]

I know exactly what you mean, Nightshade. I've never had a relationship (except for a couple of strange, short-lived experiences in my early teens). As I entered my 20's, I realised things were not going to fall into place and the embarassment factor became almost as big a problem as the SA itself. The dark secret you carry around with you thing is definitely something I can relate to....it's always there, just waiting for someone to find out and the start laughing uncontrollably at the loser freak.

And like you, having recently discovered I have a recognised condition called SA, I have found that this helps me come to terms with why I haven't been able to form a relationship. To be honest, I've long since given up hope of ever having a normal married life with kids. I've set my targets much lower but at least now that I know what's wrong with me, I can at least set some targets, whereas before I knew I had SA, I had absolutely no idea what to do or hope for from life.

 

[beautiful_soul]

I cant do things by myself sometimes like going out to buy something for example
Little things that normal people can do

 

[maggie]

me too, the little simple stuff that's so easy for others is so monumental for me, I hate it!! :evil:

 

[james00]

Yeah, i know what you mean Nightshade & Pitkreet.

I get so embarrssed and scared that everyone will think I'm a loser cause i dont have a GF.

I did have one once, but im just as scared that she will find out that i havent had a GF since. My brother is in NZ and wants to visit her and i really dont want him to cause she will find out i havent had a realtionship since (she is happily attached). Its not jealousy, i just dont want her to think im such a loser. caused a bit of a problem cause i tried to pursuade him not to see her (i know, im a bastard)

I get pissed off sometimes when i see all the happy couples in the street.

Then again, i know some people who dont have social phobia and they have never had a relationship either. Theres one guy I know who has never had a GF and everyone thinks he's gay because of it. Really pisses me off how people can be so judgemental.

Does anyone else find that night time is the lonelyest? laying in bed alone is the worst.

 

[SolitarySoul]

I agree with Scottish.. the hardest part for me is relationships. I may know a lot of people but I have become very lonely because ive never actually been close to anybody. The fact that I dont have anyone to be with comfortably and that I can relate to. I don't just want anyone.. I would rather be with a pretty girl who is very sweet and shy herself so that we could relate to each other and understand one another and comfort each other and help each other pull through our shyness until we both overcome it. But that is probably just a dream that will never come true.. because my shyness makes it too hard for me to get into a relationship like that

 

[Italy10]

Worst Part of SA

For the longest time I thought I was shy. However, after reading about SA for a significant period of time I came to the realization that I was not. For example, whenever I am attending classes at university I feel very comfortable. I am so comfortable that I can speak freely in class, talk to strangers, have no fear of professors, exams, and the like. I also do not have any irrational thoughts circulating in my head whenever I am doing something associated with school. However, this confidence does not transfer itself to my private social life. Whenever I am in a social situation that is unfamiliar or am going out with friends from university, even if I have known them for years, I do not feel right. I feel tense and unable to relax and have fun because I am consistently thinking that I am being judged and making an idiot of myself. After the experience, I constantly ruminate over what I supposedly think I did wrong, which I believe was everything. This causes unwanted emotions to enter in my mind and a general depressed state because of constantly think about the perceived defects in my performance of the day before.

This leads to the worst part about being a socially anxious/phobic individual, which is the lack of any meaningful relationships. In reality, I have never had one and feel a sense of inferiority and spiritual dislocation because of it. In other words, at 21 going on 22 I have never had a GF and feel that if I do not get going in this aspect of my life I will end up living alone. I always think, as previously mentioned, that I did something wrong and that the people that I hung out with would never want to be with me again. This leads to frustration, despair, and a general malaise. This reaction occurs mainly during the initial stages of my relationship with individuals. However, by the time I do become comfortable my chances of actually growing the relationship ends because I have waited too long.

 

[Nightshade]

OK, for the others that feel humiliated that they have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend - I've got a question (or a couple of them).

This is what I'm working on at the moment with my fear of people finding out I've never had a relationship.

I'm trying to work out two things.

First, how bad would it be if someone that I knew found out my "dark secret"? I'm not going to tell them, but what if they worked it out (which could happen, in fact I'm pretty sure some people have suspicions). What do I actually fear about it? How bad would it be? Are my fears realistic?

Second, what would I say if someone found out, or asked me directly? (I'm a crap liar so if someone asked me directly they would know - the good thing is that it doesn't occur to most people that an outwardly normal(ish) 33 year old might have never had a relationship)

What could I say? How much information should I give? How do I answer without making them think I'm a freak? How do I face them again after that?

I've got some thoughts but would be interested to hear if anyone else had ideas. I'll tell you what I've come up with when I have a bit more time, but I'm interested to hear what others say on this.

 

[pitkreet]

I'm quite sure that people I know already have worked out that I probably have never had a relationship. To be honest, nobody ever questions me about it, probably because they either feel it's none of their business, they don't want to embarass me or they're simply not interested enough in me to care.

But I also know a few other people in their 30s who I stongly suspect have also never have relationships. I don't think any less of them because of it, nor do I get the impression that anyone else thinks any less of them. I guess because we're all adults and not obnoxious 15 year olds, desparate to brag to their mates when they lose their virginity and then slag off anyone who hasn't, that most people are just grateful that they didn't end up like me, so don't pester me about it.

But like I said before, I think knowing that it is in fact a medical condition which is to blame for my predicament (and yes, I really believe that it's the condition that is the main reason, albeit that I'm no gorgeous hunk), it somehow makes it easier to live with. I don't feel so paranoid about people finding out about my lack of experience because it really isn't that I'm a really ugly or unpleasant person, I just got really unlucky. So if someone asks me outright, I can legitimately blame SA.

Indeed, one person did ask me outright a few years ago (long before I knew I had SA) and I just told him straight. He was shocked at my answer but did not laugh, mock or reject me. But that is not to say I would happily answer the question to anyone, any day.

I guess the key now is not to stand still and just be happy to use SA as an excuse for getting nowhere. Now that I know I have a treatable problem, the important thing is to start working at getting better. I don't want to reach 50 having still having never had a meaningful relationship whilst having done nothing to try to resolve the problems. That would be a true failure.

 

[Horatio]

people I know figure out I have never had a relationship straight away cause Im so ugly