I have to agree with ColdAsIce. I used to believe that I was too fat and ugly for any man to be interested in me and that was why I had never had a boyfriend. Then I realised that actually I'm probably pretty average (I find it hard to judge myself objectively so I don't try so much now).
I used to expect people to insult me (I did get insulted and picked on a lot as a child and teenager). So when I didn't know what to say to people or felt uncomfortable (which was often) I used to say insulting things about myself to get in first. I still do it sometimes, but I'm conscious of it, I know that is destructive, and I try not to. I don't like hearing other people doing it either. It makes me want to say something to help but I'm not sure what I could say without being irritating or sounding superficial or whatever. Ideas?
Pitkreet said:
we're all adults and not obnoxious 15 year olds, desparate to brag to their mates when they lose their virginity and then slag off anyone who hasn't
This is a good point, and one I try to think of often, because a lot of my fear seems to be based around people acting like teenagers. Not that all teenagers are like that, but my experience as a teenager was that the majority of teenagers will reject those that don't conform, and a significant minority will mercilessly torment others based on the slightest deviation from their rules.
In the past if someone had found out and asked me why I had never had a relationship, I couldn't have answered them. Seriously, I have no idea what I would have said, but I would have been left in a terrible state and it probably would have driven me to self harm and even possibly close to suicide. Now I know I could cope better and maybe even tell the truth to some people but I'm thinking through that.
I know a couple of other people of my age or older who have probably never had a relationship. I think because I thought I was a freak for never having had a relationship I probably thought they were a bit strange too, but now I don't hate myself so much I'm also less harsh on other people.
I think it is harder for people to work this out about me because I've moved around a bit so they don't know what I've been up to elsewhere. I think some have though. But, yeah, nobody asks me. Not even my relatives ask. One or two ask if I have a boyfriend yet, but they live a long way away and ask by phone or letter, easier than in person. So I should lower the likelihood of that fear actually happening.
People are definitely curious about me and do drop hints which makes me uncomfortable. But it doesn't make them show any sign of wanting to avoid me. So maybe the consequences wouldn't be so awful either. NOw I just have try and believe it!
