Guilt over staying home

[PennyLane]

Hey, heres the thing.. I live with 4 other people and they're nice enough etc, we chat a bit and theres no arguments but im really conscious of the fact that I never go out and have no friends

We're all in uni and they go out a lot and have people over and I never do. I had some of the same flatmates last year and then I was never home as I was with my bf (who lives next door....nightmare!).

Anyway I feel like its such an added pressure that not only do I feel bad about staying in other than going to the shops, for a run or to uni...there is also the guilt of knowing that they see me sitting at home all the time.

I know I shouldnt care...but its just so embarrassing. 3 of my flatties are out tonight having fun..and as usual im watching the tv and praying for time to pass until end of semester. Its killing me!

 

[redski]

Hey, heres the thing.... Its killing me!

Yeah, I know the feeling.
Financially and socially I have it worse as I live with my parents and I am late 20's.
I do not get out much, no good freinds most of the time I study or do nothing.
Some of the people in my life know this and mock me about it.
Like: "So, did you get out of the house yet", "Really 'you' were in town".
I to get the sinking feeling when thinking that people are out there enjoyng
thier life and here I am sitting like a shut in. It drives me up the wall to
be honest sometimes.
I just try to get out when I feel like this take a walk or whatever. Just get out
and make those bad feelings go away.
Hey, atleast you have someone in your life. So be happy about that.

 

[klytus]

Mh. Have your mates ever asked you to go out with them?

 

[PennyLane]

Mh. Have your mates ever asked you to go out with them?

Hi Klytus

Yeah they have..so many times...that makes it even worse!! I come up with such lame excuses because i can't face the party or whatever they ask me to go to. They have stopped asking now, which i prefer (in a twisted way). It just makes it seem to them that I prefer to have no life because im choosing to sit in my room!

It just feels like a double whammy of feeling like a loser but also knowing the people around you are thinking the same!

 

[klytus]

Yeah they have..so many times...that makes it even worse!

Aye, that's not too good, I admit. On the other hand, it's much safer at home, so why go out and possibly risk your health. Heh. The negative interpersonal aspect of coming up with excuses every time is that people will eventually feel rejected. That is inevitable, since it's obvious to most that the excuses were only, well, excuses. The positive side of this is that they probably just think you don't like them. Seeing your staying at home as a sign of you being a loser would be quite irrational. One thing has nothing to do with the other.

 

[PennyLane]

Aye,

are you scottish?


To be honest im not hugely keen on one of the girls...i get tired of listening to her talk about, well, her!

 

[doesit]

On the other hand, it's much safer at home, so why go out and possibly risk your health
and what risk is that ?
Try to force yourself out couple times a month with your flatmates,because saying im sitting at home all the time and do nothing,and have no friends wont change your situation if every time you get asked by someone you will reject them,and live in your closed circle.

 

[Jimsie]

Ive been in the same situation for over 2 years now but it dosn't bother me as much anymore (probably worse for me because i avoided the other housemates and didnt speak to them). But i think if they can't accept that everyone is different and wants to do different things then thats their problem.

Just because the majority of people who do go to uni want to go out all the time dosn't mean you should. There will always be people who don't want to even if its a small minority, i think those people tend to avoid uni because of those things but you shouldn't have to.

 

[PennyLane]

On the other hand, it's much safer at home, so why go out and possibly risk your health
and what risk is that ?
Try to force yourself out couple times a month with your flatmates,because saying im sitting at home all the time and do nothing,and have no friends wont change your situation if every time you get asked by someone you will reject them,and live in your closed circle.

I know what your saying and I totally agree...its just thats the problem with SA, I want to join in and have friends desperately but it is so hard to say yes and go to these things. I become a nervous wreck!

If i did actually go with them I can just imagine when they realise how totally socially awkward i am!

 

[crestfallen.]

Guilt over staying home actually forces me to go out sometimes. I'd force myself to go out, saying to myself that the only thing worse than having anxiety ruin my night out is knowing that I gave up on myself by staying home. Besides, the one day I don't go out could've been the day where I took a lasting step towards being more comfortable in social environments.

PennyLane, what places do your flatmates usually go out to? I ask because it might be easier to push yourself to go to certain places with them, ones that where the pressure to be social isn't as strong. Just wondering.

 

[Off The Wall]

I live with my mum and her bf and my little brother.

I feel bad, not giving them time alone, i'm here all the time. I mean some weekends i go to my dads but then i feel bad being there incase he wants to go out, but he wouldn't he'd stay in with me i feel like i'm boring for him and he wants something fun to do.

The other day i go to my brother, oh i might go to the movies to see whatever it was. He is like with who? you have no friends.. ? I'm like um i have friends.. then he is like internet friends don't count, you need friends you actually hang out with you just stay home all the time?. I felt like such a loser my little brother is cooler then me n has more of a life. i feel so lame.

sometimes i go for walks and just sit at the park for hours then come home like i've actually been somewhere, pff.. so stupid. One year for new years eve, i pretended i went out and sat out the back all by myself so i didn't loook like a loser

 

[redski]

...
sometimes i go for walks and just sit at the park for
hours then come home like i've actually been somewhere,
pff.. so stupid. One year for new years eve, i pretended
i went out and sat out the back all by myself so i didn't
loook like a loser

I can relate to this. My advice would be (if you are interested)
is to plan your time. Maybe you can make a note the day before
of things you want and should do and then the next day follow
through on the note so you keep yourself busy.

It might sound strange but it has been working for me.
Sort of like you cannot sit around and wait for things to happen.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Guilt over staying at home hits me hard as well. I have to lie to myself all the time to keep from falling into despair over it.

Sometimes I'll be sitting at home watching something on TV that I would otherwise enjoy, but can't because of the feeling that I'm missing out on so much life out in the world.

When that happens, depending on the time of day, I end up either turning the program off and going to sleep, or just taking a really long late night drive or a walk.

I can't believe that this is the life I was meant to have. It's so ****ing tedious.

 

[flakeybark]

I can't believe that this is the life I was meant to have. It's so ****ing tedious.

Tell me about it. Not only do I have a time bracket for going on aimless walks, I have a time bracket for getting motivated to get motivated for going on aimless walks.


and I wonder why I feel crazy sometimes...

 

[iwanttogetbetter]

i moved out of my parents house because i feel like im alway beiing observed by them if i don't go out every weekend, stay at home, play on the computer too much etc.. like not doing the normal things people do. i don't want to seem like failure to my parents so i just moved out.

 

[Richey]

I live with my mum and her bf and my little brother.

I feel bad, not giving them time alone, i'm here all the time. I mean some weekends i go to my dads but then i feel bad being there incase he wants to go out, but he wouldn't he'd stay in with me i feel like i'm boring for him and he wants something fun to do.

The other day i go to my brother, oh i might go to the movies to see whatever it was. He is like with who? you have no friends.. ? I'm like um i have friends.. then he is like internet friends don't count, you need friends you actually hang out with you just stay home all the time?. I felt like such a loser my little brother is cooler then me n has more of a life. i feel so lame.

sometimes i go for walks and just sit at the park for hours then come home like i've actually been somewhere, pff.. so stupid. One year for new years eve, i pretended i went out and sat out the back all by myself so i didn't loook like a loser

i've done this exact same thing before for two new years eves in a row back in 05/06 except i drove around in my car, i used to never lie but started to make up stories to avoid going to parties and to make myself look better. and often to just get out of the house i would say that i'm going to a friends when really i was going somewhere alone just to get out of the house, because you have to explain yourself for every action when you live with certain types of people. if i was honest it would be: "oh i'm just going out alone because i want to get away from everyone and i don't know where yet?", if it was a friend i felt 100% comfortable around then i wouldnt mind saying it but around parents and family or certain people it just doesn't work. they think you are nuts, when really its just something to do but it seems a little unusual compared to "going out with friends to do stuff" etc

as was stated above its all about managing time with more clarity. its easy to wonder around without direction or interest and i've gone through periods where i simply couldn't decide on how to spend my time out of indecision and hesitation. sort of like:

"alright its 6 oclock, i'll watch a dvd now, but wait there is only one more hour of daylight i should go for a walk...hang on didn;t i want to go to the cinema tonight, hmm, i wonder what is on?...but then there is all that homework to start and finish..sratch that i'll go for a drive to escape the house" ....something along those lines.

 

[recluse]

I still live with my parents and i'm 28. It sucks because i am always staying in the house with nowhere to go. My parents ask me why i am so down and i say that i am bored and fed up being in the house, and they suggest i go for a drive in my car, but it's just no fun anymore to drive aimlessly without anyone to hang around with.

I actually show signs of cabin fever when it get's too much.

 

[PennyLane]

Oh i just went to the kitchen and I thought this pretty much summed up my big stress:

I was trying to be really friendly (I try and hide my SA from my flatties) so I was asking the guy I live with about this photography comp he just entered. The I was like im really impressed that your doing this towards the end of uni....you must have so much work to do as well..

..and he said "well you have to do things with your spare time. It can't be all about uni work and you can't just sit around here"

maybe im paranoid but that sounded like a huge dig to me....especially as I was trying to be nice!

Oh and I also know what you mean about the purposefully trying to stay out even when you have nowhere to go...i used to do that. Then one day I thought **** it im going home. Now i just stay in my room!

 

[Richey]

he is not being constructive or helping you by saying that, he is projecting negativity and arrogance onto you instead of being helpful and positive. from what i've noticed people seem to nag and condescend in a sort of "reverse psychology" method without even realising it and perhaps that is a by product of being confident and always going out, alpha males tend to adopt bullying lingo that can come from the conversations and wit exchanged with his other friends where he possibly uses sarcasm to joke around and whilst stirring with his friends... even so it shows his lack of communication and people skills for him to speak that way when you were showing interest and the like ...

he seems to be lacking empathy. for instance in my class i could walk up and say that i did this or that on the weekend and there is no prejudice because everyone feels more down to earth then usual and understanding of how personalities and peoples hobbies can differ and so forth.

 

[Mikefly]

I like staying at home 70-80% of the time and no one will tell me or persuade me different and i feel great about it.