How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

I really love this forum. It's the only place I know of where I can find other people who seem to find life similarly as hard as I do. it's such a comfort to know I'm not the only one who feels so weak and vulnerable and anxious all the time.

Aye, there's some comfort in knowin' it's not just you're not the only yin who struggle with this on a daily basis.

My boss told me I'm not allowed to wear my headphones at work yesterday and it's really bothering me. Listening to headphones is REALLY important to me. I know most people think it's a small thing, but it's my secret world where I learn and grow and get inspired.

Ah cun so relate to this. But, for me, my headphones are more a means of blockin' out tha people in ma family ah really don't want to talk to. Concentratin' on a book or starin' at ma laptop also helps...

Also, ma headphones were ma refuge from tha dysfuction around me. Ma escape, especially when ma older sister go off on yin her shouty, sweary temper tantrums.

Now I know what my options are and I've figured out a plan of action, but that still hasn't helped remove this unrest in my heart. I'm gonna carry on listening to my headphones, but I'm worried what will happen if I get caught again. I've planned all the arguments I could say, but I worry about my ability to deliver them effectively. I've made my peace with the possibility I might have to go headphone-less or look for another job. But still, this unrest.

It makes me wonder whether there's something deeper going on. Like I'm addicted to worrying or something?

Ah believe ma mum's like this, and passed it on to me. She's always quick to worry about something or think worst of a situation or person.

Or that I just need more faith in my plan of action. I dunno. I've just been having a tough time recently. The walls have all closed in on my life a little lately, and I've got this fear that my deepest shames will all be exposed at any moment. I fear that the whole world will reject me. They'll have no sympathy for me and my troubles. They'll say "it's your own fault". I burn bridges and hide away from people. Argh I dunno....mg:

Sorry yer going through a difficult time, lately. But huvin more fath in yer plan of action sounds like a great idea and mindset. Though, ah also huv that same fear you expressed about yer deepest shames being exposed at any moment. As well as a deeply routed fear of being judged on my appearance and publicly humilated.

 

[defiance]

:kickingmyself::kickingmyself::kickingmyself: It's just so bad....oh so bad and dark.

 

[worrywort]

Ah believe ma mum's like this, and passed it on to me. She's always quick to worry about something or think worst of a situation or person.

Sorry yer going through a difficult time, lately. But huvin more fath in yer plan of action sounds like a great idea and mindset. Though, ah also huv that same fear you expressed about yer deepest shames being exposed at any moment. As well as a deeply routed fear of being judged on my appearance and publicly humilated.

Thanks Graeme. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Like a scarecrow running out of straw.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thanks Graeme. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Eh, thanks... :shyness: Sorry, ah still feel self-conscious when ah get praise from sombuddy. mg:

But, aye, it's nice to know that yer not alone in strugglin' with anxiety an everythin' comes with it.

:kickingmyself: It's just so bad....oh so bad and dark.

Hang in there, defiance. Chin up! Remember these feelings will pass if ye don't dwell on them too much. Ah know, easier said than done when yer depressed and/or anxious. Anyway, hope ye find better soon, pal. :thumbup:
.

 

[Graeme1988]

^Get an in-ear, wireless, Bluetooth earphone that cant be easily seen

Hey, that's a really good idea! I don't know why I didn't think of it. Thanks! I might give that a go.:thumbup:

^probably because you were too busy worrying.

This wee back an forth is great. Mainly because of SoScared's witty contribution really made me laugh. :bigsmile: erfect: :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Cautiously optimistic, given tha recent life-changing event in ma life.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

So depressed I can hardly move. Life is too ****ing long.

 

[this_portrait]

Like something bad is going to happen.

 

[S_Spartan]

A bit tipsy..but thats ok

 

[vj288]

.............

 

[S_Spartan]

*Puts glass forward*

Cheers! Now I'm flyin' high!

 

[defiance]

Was hoping for a change...but nope. Still here and still suffering. Here is something that might sound weird. Today I read about a cop in Virginia that was killed on her first day on the job. I believe she was 28 years old if I remember correctly. I felt guilty that I'm still alive and she is now gone. Because the way I look at it is there was someone who had something to live for. I have nothing to live for and now she is gone while I'm still here. I don't know if anyone else does that but I feel so bad when I hear about things like this. Probably due to my desire to fade away from this existence. SIGH when will this nightmare end? Please let it end

 

[Graeme1988]

Was hoping for a change...but nope. Still here and still suffering. Here is something that might sound weird. Today I read about a cop in Virginia that was killed on her first day on the job. I believe she was 28 years old if I remember correctly. I felt guilty that I'm still alive and she is now gone. Because the way I look at it is there was someone who had something to live for. I have nothing to live for and now she is gone while I'm still here. I don't know if anyone else does that but I feel so bad when I hear about things like this. Probably due to my desire to fade away from this existence. SIGH when will this nightmare end? Please let it end

Sorry, yer goin' through a difficult time, pal. Ah get like this as well when ah read news stories like this. It makes me wonder why am still here as well, not really do much. :sad:

 

[this_portrait]

Unmotivated.

 

[Kenny1973]

Feeling a bit better today than of late. It was a beautiful sunny day here today and managed to get out into the sunshine for a while. The sunlight really lifted my mood.

 

[defiance]

AS IF I WASN'T HAVING A BAD ENOUGH DAY. MY PIECE OF SH*T FATHER JUST DID WHAT HE DOES BEST...PISSING ME OFF. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE THIS MAN. WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING. ALL HE DOES IS ANNOY PEOPLE AND PLAY ON HIS PHONE. OMG IF I COULD ONLY TURN BACK TIME ID MAKE SURE HE NEVER MET MY MOTHER. SHE IS A SAINT AND DESERVES MUCH BETTER THAN THIS FUC*ING LOSER. HELL LOOKING AT THE WAY I TURNED OUT, IT ISN'T THAT SURPRISING WHEN I CAN SEE WHO MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS. Needed to vent. If my mom wasn't in the picture, I wouldn't stick around very long myself and I wouldn't give two SH*TS as to whether my worthless father cared about me being gone or not. I TRULY TRULY WISH I WAS DEAD....i cannot emphasize this enough.:crying:

 

[Razzlecherry]

^Sorry man, I know what it's like having a pos father. Try to be better than he is. Don't let his damage consume you and change who you are.

 

[defiance]

^Sorry man, I know what it's like having a pos father. Try to be better than he is. Don't let his damage consume you and change who you are.

Here is the thing that gets me. He isn't a bad guy you know. He, in his own way, tries but my god when he starts to nag it gets annoying. He can be a good guy when he wants to be. I don't know if it's because he is getting older that makes him act out like this or what. I know that he could be a lot worse and we do have our good days but today he just got to me and I needed to write it out or else I had to bottle that up inside me as well. Sigh in a way it doesn't matter because ultimately it's about me not wanting to live anymore. Just for the record my anxiety and depression got me to that point he had nothing to do with it. Anyways thanks for taking the time to read what I had to say and thanks for the comment. I am also sorry to hear about your father being that way towards you:sad:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Struggling, aching, lonely, sad, disappointed, despairing.

The usual cheery stuff.